Reply to Custody Issue - Pendente Lite VS. Divorce Decree

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]/\ I'm a female married PP BTW. [b]My husband rises to the expectations set for him. [/b]I don't bail him out and therefore he takes them seriously. He's a grown up, I'm a grown up, and when I feel myself getting irritated at him for something like what you've all described. I tell him about it and we reshuffle something and I mentally let something go. Being happy is more important than any load of laundry, milk gallon left on the counter or birthday present unshopped for. [/quote]

The bolded part is key, and not every spouse will do that. For some people, no matter how they address it, their spouse will always be a freeloader. The process of coming to recognize that, accept it and decide what to do about it for yourself can be a long and painful one. Telling someone who's in the middle of it that it wouldn't be an issue if they just didn't get upset isn't helpful because their spouse isn't your spouse and doesn't respond the same way.[/quote]

I don't believe that every spouse is in that bucket. Some are, they should get divorced. But I also know people that lose their minds over how their spouse folds sheets. And those people are as responsible for their marital problems as the lazy spouse. [/quote]

This is evident early in a marriage. People do not become lazy after 10 years of marriage with NO signs beforehand unless there is a mental or health issue. [/quote]

It's a gradual change.  Think death by a thousand cuts/nags.  Those first 100 might be bearable but by the time the 1000th rolls around, you're kind of done with it all.[/quote]

Marriage takes work. To the PP before you I would say, why didn't you have a conversation about the cup? Fight it out about the cup and then your expectations and limits are clear when you get to teething. My DH knew he was doing half the night wake ups when I got pregnant. It was an expectation. And then when I would wake up and he didn't and it was his turn I'd push him and make him get up. Everytime you 'just do it' in a marriage erodes the other party's adulthood and allows them to slowly transform into a teenager. Once you have a teenager, its hard to turn them back into an adult. And I'm not absolving guys who allow this to happen, they are just as culpable in the demise of the marriage. But it is literally impossible to come back from the brink unless both sides understand how they have contributed. And the infantilization of men is SO prevalent across SO many of my friend and relative's marriages.

It is in fact a common bonding moment with women complaining about their hilariously inept husbands. I have a friend say something like, 'ugh David barely even knows how old the kids are'. And everyone goes around with their stories and I say, 'Tom knows how old his kids are, if he didn't we'd have problems.' And they roll their eyes at me like I'm bragging or like I'm lucky or whatever. And I do consider myself lucky because I have an engaged husband. But it was not all luck. I made sure I didn't marry a David. And when my husband starts doing David-like things I call him on it and we have it out right then and there and so instead of having 10 years worth of bitterness built up around why he left his mug in the office, we are literally just discussing whatever it is that happened. That takes work, we work at it every day. I consciously let things go. If he ruins a sweater every once in awhile? Well he does all the laundry. So I'm not going to complain. Just like he doesn't complain if I make a crappy dinner one night. If he empties the dishwasher for me, I don't complain if he puts the colander in the wrong place. I let things go, he lets things go, but if anything begins to accumulate, we address it. And that doesn't happen magically, it happens intentionally.[/quote]

You sound like a dick. I too am partnered to a "Tom," but when other moms start complaining about their partners I just stay quiet. No need to rub it in their faces. I bet you don't have a ton of friends....[/quote]

+1[/quote]

You are making a big assumption that I respond to my friend's marital woes by talking about my great husband. I don't because yes, that would make me a dick. The above is more like, in response to the kind of communal complaining about little things where everyone laughs about their idiot husbands that happens when women get together. Not someone expressing serious distress/concern about something. And most of the time I will just stay silent. But I feel like that is just contributing to this belief that most men are idiots.  I have tons of friends. They think I have a great marriage and they are right but they also like to say stuff like, 'I got lucky' and 'I got a good one' and that frustrates me, although I wouldn't say that in the moment. It is frustrating because while I DO think my husband is great and I DO feel lucky to have found him, our marriage is great because we both work at it and do regular relationship 'maintenance'.

I am sure there are a bunch of real Toms (if Tom means exceptional here, which isn't what I meant above) and real Davids (a loser who will never do anything no matter what you do). But I think more often you get into a role in your relationship and become a Tom or a David because the family just naturally falls into a David or Tom rhythm. My point above was that Toms aren't exceptional, or they shouldn't be, Toms are treated like grown ups and are therefore act like an equal partner to their spouses. And that creating a dynamic of equality is the responsibility of both parties in a marriage. And if more women were of the mindset that they need to hold their partners accountable, rather than the mindset that men are bumbling fools and they should just do it to get it done, then they would probably have better relationships.

All stuff that yes, would be super offensive if I said it at my girl's lunch but it's what I'm thinking inside![/quote]

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