Hosting step-grandson for two weeks- how to deal with food fussiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person.

I'm sure you're Grandparent of the Year. *Slow clap*

"Make food you know your guest (and everyone else) likes, and don't make food you know your grandkid won't like" is not sufficient to be grandparent of the year. It's the bare minimum for decent behavior. No one is suggesting that you become a short order cook. What we are suggesting is that it'll be fairly easy to determine what meals he likes, and . . . make them for everyone. Make dinners that everyone likes. This is not rocket science.

Instead, your approach seems to be, "I am going to make what I want, even though I *know* he won't like it. And I'm going to use this opportunity to preemptively scold him for being a picky eater." And yes, this makes you a shitty host, and yes, a shitty person. That you either refuse to see or acknowledge this is a whole other issue.

The kid has an extremely limited list of items that he'll eat. Unless OP and her husband is willing to limit themselves to pizza (and no vegetables) every night, that's not going to work. If OP wants to eat normally and 100% accommodate kid's pickiness, then she basically has to make two separate meals. In other words, be a short order cook.

How did you invent this from what OP posted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person.

I'm sure you're Grandparent of the Year. *Slow clap*

"Make food you know your guest (and everyone else) likes, and don't make food you know your grandkid won't like" is not sufficient to be grandparent of the year. It's the bare minimum for decent behavior. No one is suggesting that you become a short order cook. What we are suggesting is that it'll be fairly easy to determine what meals he likes, and . . . make them for everyone. Make dinners that everyone likes. This is not rocket science.

Instead, your approach seems to be, "I am going to make what I want, even though I *know* he won't like it. And I'm going to use this opportunity to preemptively scold him for being a picky eater." And yes, this makes you a shitty host, and yes, a shitty person. That you either refuse to see or acknowledge this is a whole other issue.

The kid has an extremely limited list of items that he'll eat. Unless OP and her husband is willing to limit themselves to pizza (and no vegetables) every night, that's not going to work. If OP wants to eat normally and 100% accommodate kid's pickiness, then she basically has to make two separate meals. In other words, be a short order cook.

That's ridiculous. OP said, "He also doesn't like anything other than American food and will make all sorts of remarks about how much he hates vegetables[.]" There's a wide range there. Roast chicken, hamburgers, steaks, pork chops, brats - and you can prepare chicken, beef, and pork any number of ways. Make vegetables and a starch separately, and if the kid doesn't eat it, so what? Throw in a pizza or two, and a few meals out, and it's pretty simple.

The real problem is this, from the OP - "I like to cook a variety of dishes from various non-American cuisines[.]" In other words, OP wants to make what she wants, despite the fact that she has a houseguest that she *knows* won't like quite a bit of it. She doesn't want to change, at all. Again, would that be OK if it were her husband's best friend coming to visit? Of course not. She's more than able to "eat normally" and prepare one meal for everyone. It may not be the exact meals she would prepare if the kid wasn't there, but part of being a good host is taking into account guest's preferences.

My parents don't particularly care for curry dishes. We typically make some kind of curry once a week. But when they visit, guess what? I skip the curry and make something else. What you are suggesting is that since we like curry, and usually make it, I should make it when they are here, even though I know they don't like it. How on earth is that an acceptable and considerate way to host someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title states...The kid in question is 12 yo and known for picking vegetables out of his meals for as long as I've known him. He also doesn't like anything other than American food and will make all sorts of remarks about how much he hates vegetables etc. DH said earlier today that "if he doesn't want to eat what we eat, then we can heat up something like a frozen pizza etc." while I disagree. I think that if we've taken the trouble of making a meal, he should be having what we're having and not be catered to. It's not like he's deathly allergic to vegetables. If the kid was just staying for a few days, I would let my husband just deal with it. However, it's two weeks so I will definitely be handling at least half of meal prep/cooking. I like to cook a variety of dishes from various non-American cuisines (FWIW, I'm German). Knowing how outspoken this kid will be about the food that is served, I plan on informing him at the start that his fussy ways won't be tolerated. That said, I wouldn't want him complaining to his parents that we were mean to him. Is my approach considered inappropriate to American parents?

Why isn't he just "your grandson".

[Anonymous]

Op you're a bitch. Sure, treat the kid that way and be prepared that he's never going to like you.

Feed the kid plain, simple food he doesn't hate, and if he doesn't eat it, he can have an apple, banana, whatever readily available food you don't have to prepare, or he can choose go to bed hungry. Don't make a big federal case out of it. Don't act like a big baby.

Make an effort to stock foods your GUEST and your husband's GRANDSON likes FFS.

[Anonymous]

Does he eat potatoes? I can think alot of different German dishes with potatoes.

[Anonymous]

Since OP seems to have a hard time accepting that she is wrong in her stubborn way, or, for that matter, that picking a fight with a 12 year old is beyond childish of her, I'll try to explain to her the outcomes of two choices she has.
Stick to her making the boy see the light and forcing him to eat what she cooks...
"Grandpa's wife is nasty, rude, and made me red cabbage that was stinky and gross, and when I said no, she called me a spoiled brat and forbid grandpa to take me out for ice cream. I hate her! (add a lot of preteen imagined drama and embellished retelling of how mean she was to him.)
Or,
"I wish you were more like grandpa's wife. She made me pizza every day, and made the best deserts with ice cream. She took me grocery shopping my first day and let me choose all the food I wanted to eat! Why can't you be more like her?!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former, picky eater here- heavy handed tactics don't work. It's the smell, texture, flavor of veggies or certain foods-- some kids can't abide it, and react more strongly. At twelve, I would sit and starve before eating a cooked carrot.
Sensory issues and inflexibility will calm down when they are adults as long as it's not linked to a lot of bad memories of being told to "clean their plate" or going hungry because the smell of cooked broccoli is overwhelming.
Introducing food to try without pressure or embarrassment works great. I was around twelve when I realized that food could be mixed up in a burrito and taste great- it was a no pressure family dinner at a Mexican restaurant. No one cared whether I ate my burrito or not.

Former picky eater here too. I will always be grateful to my mom for accommodating my bizarre eating habits. As a young woman, I started eating all kinds of things. Now I eat Mexican, Thai, sushi, you name it. When I was young the flavors of many foods were overwhelming and nauseating. How would anyone like to be forced to eat something they felt was gross?

I will never forget my dad getting tired of my pickiness and forcing me to eat fettucini alfredo. I barfed in my mouth. As I was getting ready to barf he told me that if I barfed he would punish me. I don't remember what kind of punishment.... I swallowed my vomit.

Yeah, I will NEVER forgive or forget that moment. Overall he was a good dad but this permanently left a black mark in my book. I would never do that to my kid. I have two, one is fussy, one is not. I will feed the fussy one bland foods until she's ready for more.

My ex husband is always giving the fussy kid crap about what she eats and she deeply resents him for it. Even the pediatrician has told him to cut it out. He won't listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former, picky eater here- heavy handed tactics don't work. It's the smell, texture, flavor of veggies or certain foods-- some kids can't abide it, and react more strongly. At twelve, I would sit and starve before eating a cooked carrot.
Sensory issues and inflexibility will calm down when they are adults as long as it's not linked to a lot of bad memories of being told to "clean their plate" or going hungry because the smell of cooked broccoli is overwhelming.
Introducing food to try without pressure or embarrassment works great. I was around twelve when I realized that food could be mixed up in a burrito and taste great- it was a no pressure family dinner at a Mexican restaurant. No one cared whether I ate my burrito or not.

Former picky eater here too. I will always be grateful to my mom for accommodating my bizarre eating habits. As a young woman, I started eating all kinds of things. Now I eat Mexican, Thai, sushi, you name it. When I was young the flavors of many foods were overwhelming and nauseating. How would anyone like to be forced to eat something they felt was gross?

I will never forget my dad getting tired of my pickiness and forcing me to eat fettucini alfredo. I barfed in my mouth. As I was getting ready to barf he told me that if I barfed he would punish me. I don't remember what kind of punishment.... I swallowed my vomit.

Yeah, I will NEVER forgive or forget that moment. Overall he was a good dad but this permanently left a black mark in my book. I would never do that to my kid. I have two, one is fussy, one is not. I will feed the fussy one bland foods until she's ready for more.

My ex husband is always giving the fussy kid crap about what she eats and she deeply resents him for it. Even the pediatrician has told him to cut it out. He won't listen.

No one is saying that the kid should be forced to eat anything. Just that his fussiness should not be accommodated beyond the bare minimum- he can make his own food if he doesn't like what's being served.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the OP's post it sounds like there are a lot of assumptions going on and no conversations. So at one meal OP observed her Step grandson picking out vegetables from the meal. From this everyone has assumed the kid won't eat any vegetables. Start my talking to the kid's parents. My kids each have their eating quirks. One thing they all have in common is they LOVE raw veggies but will not eat cooked veggies. So if they are served something with cooked carrots in it they will pick out the carrots. Give them some raw carrots and they will eat 2 pounds of them.

OP needs to step back and find out what typical meals are for the 12 year old and then figure out what the challenges really are. Maybe actually talk to the 12 year old and cook a meal together. My 12 yr old son is very picky but also loves to cook things and is amazing at taking a recipe and figuring out how to tweak it so that he would like it. Usually that means serving it 'deconstructed" so everyone can add what they like.

OP here. I had no idea that my initial post would generate 11 pages of replies! Anyway, to clarify some of the questions some of you have raised. The reason why I say 'step' is because that is the truth. I don't have children and I'm in my early 40s. I don't see myself as a grandma but that doesn't make me terrible. The kid calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

Shockingly, some kids are jerks, OP. Becoming not-a-jerk is often part of growing up. Just because the kid behaved like a jerk, doesn't mean you should too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person.

I'm sure you're Grandparent of the Year. *Slow clap*

"Make food you know your guest (and everyone else) likes, and don't make food you know your grandkid won't like" is not sufficient to be grandparent of the year. It's the bare minimum for decent behavior. No one is suggesting that you become a short order cook. What we are suggesting is that it'll be fairly easy to determine what meals he likes, and . . . make them for everyone. Make dinners that everyone likes. This is not rocket science.

Instead, your approach seems to be, "I am going to make what I want, even though I *know* he won't like it. And I'm going to use this opportunity to preemptively scold him for being a picky eater." And yes, this makes you a shitty host, and yes, a shitty person. That you either refuse to see or acknowledge this is a whole other issue.

The kid has an extremely limited list of items that he'll eat. Unless OP and her husband is willing to limit themselves to pizza (and no vegetables) every night, that's not going to work. If OP wants to eat normally and 100% accommodate kid's pickiness, then she basically has to make two separate meals. In other words, be a short order cook.

How did you invent this from what OP posted?

Because that is actually OP sock puppeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What OP describes is totally different from the PP's imagined scenario. The child is old enough to heat up a pizza. Don't do it for him. I personally find American children like him to be spoiled. I can't imagine my Vietnamese parents refusing vegetables in the refugee camp I was born in. Children like that need to have some sense drummed into them!

It’s actually not imagined, when I was young and living in, of all places, Germany, a host remarked on my rudeness for exactly that situation. It was true then and is true now, that it is ruder to comment on what someone has left on their plate, than for the person to have left it there.

Except you are not a host, a restaurant or the Gala at the Met. You are the dang grandparents. It's a picky kid, find and cook some sh*** he will eat. Let him know that he needs to eat at least one small serving of veggies at a few meals and keep it moving. You are not trying to problem solve you are trying to just make this kid wrong. Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I hope that even though OP is rigid and controlling and not entirely happy to be a grandmother at her age, step or not, that the kid takes a shine to her and calls her “Oma” out in public, loudly and often.

Get over yourself, OP. You are not that young and you married an old man. Own it, Oma OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person.

I'm sure you're Grandparent of the Year. *Slow clap*

"Make food you know your guest (and everyone else) likes, and don't make food you know your grandkid won't like" is not sufficient to be grandparent of the year. It's the bare minimum for decent behavior. No one is suggesting that you become a short order cook. What we are suggesting is that it'll be fairly easy to determine what meals he likes, and . . . make them for everyone. Make dinners that everyone likes. This is not rocket science.

Instead, your approach seems to be, "I am going to make what I want, even though I *know* he won't like it. And I'm going to use this opportunity to preemptively scold him for being a picky eater." And yes, this makes you a shitty host, and yes, a shitty person. That you either refuse to see or acknowledge this is a whole other issue.

The kid has an extremely limited list of items that he'll eat. Unless OP and her husband is willing to limit themselves to pizza (and no vegetables) every night, that's not going to work. If OP wants to eat normally and 100% accommodate kid's pickiness, then she basically has to make two separate meals. In other words, be a short order cook.

How did you invent this from what OP posted?

Because that is actually OP sock puppeting.

No, it's not. That's just I interpreted OP's statements. I read it to mean that the kid was only willing to eat a small list of stereotypical American foods (pizza, hamburger, chicken nuggets). Maybe OP can clarify exactly what she means. But I highly doubt that the kid willing to eat California or new American foods- both of which would fall under the umbrella of American cuisine.

[Anonymous]

My kid's best friend is extremmmmmmly picky. I have that kid in my house all the time, I feed this kid a lot. I make it a game to see what new foods I can get him to eat. I have been quite successful. His parents thinks it is awesome.
Part of my sucess is notacting like a jerk. Try it.

[Anonymous]

I would not indulge any nonsense from a 12 year old. I am also not from the US, but I would be ashamed to have raised half of my kids' friends. I was brought up to be polite about the food you were given and to eat what you could. I would expect the same.