Hosting step-grandson for two weeks- how to deal with food fussiness

[Anonymous]

Step-Grandma-in-her-40s OP is mad that she married a super old guy for his money, and now has to deal with some of the fallout: his grown, adult children and their teenage children.

[Anonymous]

My ex dated a German woman right after our divorce. Vile woman. My children despised her. The OP sounds very much like her. I'm so thankful he didn't marry her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are way out of line. The kid is 12. You treat him this way, he won’t be in your life. And maybe the rest of his family too. And if your husband had any gumption he would run for the hills too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're right that children should be open to trying new things and that it is rude for a guest to criticize the food a host provides.

However, you asked about American expectations. Typically, Americans feel it is the parental role to enforce eating habits and manners. Grandparents generally just try to make visits as enjoyable as possible. While a frequent parental complaint is that grandparents spoil their grandkids, I think kids usually just adapt to different people have different rules.

I remember hearing once that "parents have to say no, grandparents get to say yes".

If you want to implement your original plan, you are well within your rights as the host. However, it is liable to breed resentment and detract from a fun visit. Since you're not actually responsible for raising the child, it would seem more pleasant to take a break from cooking full meals. Have some pizzas, sandwiches, etc. If you're really worried about nutrition, you can provide lots of fruit to ward off scurvy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step-Grandma-in-her-40s OP is mad that she married a super old guy for his money, and now has to deal with some of the fallout: his grown, adult children and their teenage children.

Yep.

It is not about the food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are way out of line. The kid is 12. You treat him this way, he won’t be in your life. And maybe the rest of his family too. And if your husband had any gumption he would run for the hills too.

She is a 40 year old step grandma with an almost teenager step grandson.

It sounds like that is probably the goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the OP's post it sounds like there are a lot of assumptions going on and no conversations. So at one meal OP observed her Step grandson picking out vegetables from the meal. From this everyone has assumed the kid won't eat any vegetables. Start my talking to the kid's parents. My kids each have their eating quirks. One thing they all have in common is they LOVE raw veggies but will not eat cooked veggies. So if they are served something with cooked carrots in it they will pick out the carrots. Give them some raw carrots and they will eat 2 pounds of them.

OP needs to step back and find out what typical meals are for the 12 year old and then figure out what the challenges really are. Maybe actually talk to the 12 year old and cook a meal together. My 12 yr old son is very picky but also loves to cook things and is amazing at taking a recipe and figuring out how to tweak it so that he would like it. Usually that means serving it 'deconstructed" so everyone can add what they like.

OP here. I had no idea that my initial post would generate 11 pages of replies! Anyway, to clarify some of the questions some of you have raised. The reason why I say 'step' is because that is the truth. I don't have children and I'm in my early 40s. I don't see myself as a grandma but that doesn't make me terrible. The kid calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

If you are his host, then act like a host! Clearly hosting means something totally different in Germany than in Europeans countries I lived in. And those are, Norway, former Yugoslavia and Czech Republic. In those countries, hosts make guests feel very welcome. Yes, even Norwegians!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. I had no idea that my initial post would generate 11 pages of replies! Anyway, to clarify some of the questions some of you have raised. The reason why I say 'step' is because that is the truth. I don't have children and I'm in my early 40s. I don't see myself as a grandma but that doesn't make me terrible. The kid calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

The kid is 12, not 2. He's definitely old enough to know better. The issue isn't just that he's a picky eater, it's that he's a picky eater who expects to be catered to. And he's completely rude about it when he's not. He didn't get this way overnight.

Where do people think that entitled adult picky eaters come from? It's because they were catered to as children and expect the same treatment as adults. There are definitely adults who talk this way. The adult picky eaters who are not this way- it's because the adults around them taught them better when they were kids.


Btw, I don't anyone who's on OP's "side" is saying force feed the kid. OP should do whatever she normally does. Once or twice week, she can do a pizza night or whatever he likes. And maybe they can go a restaurant once a week and he can order whatever he wants. But OP shouldn't change her entire dinner routine for 2 weeks just to cater to his pickiness. If the kid doesn't like what's being served for dinner, he should POLITELY decline. And if he's still hungry, he can make himself a sandwich or frozen pizza.

[Anonymous]

People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

You are not his parent, or even his grandparent, and it is not your job to "fix" his dislike of vegetables or picky eating. It is your job to host him while he's at your house, but you seem intent on making that more difficult and unpleasant for everyone than it needs to be. You are within your rights to tell him "we don't talk like that about food that someone prepared for us here" if he is complaining or saying "eeewww." Tell him he can say "no thank you" instead. Have bread, fruit, and sandwich fillings available for him to make his own meal if he is unwilling to eat what you served. This is not a big deal and you don't need to create drama about it.

[Anonymous]

This is surely how Hansel and Gretel became a fairy tale, except not so much a fairy tale as a reality in Germany!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person.

I'm sure you're Grandparent of the Year. *Slow clap*

"Make food you know your guest (and everyone else) likes, and don't make food you know your grandkid won't like" is not sufficient to be grandparent of the year. It's the bare minimum for decent behavior. No one is suggesting that you become a short order cook. What we are suggesting is that it'll be fairly easy to determine what meals he likes, and . . . make them for everyone. Make dinners that everyone likes. This is not rocket science.

Instead, your approach seems to be, "I am going to make what I want, even though I *know* he won't like it. And I'm going to use this opportunity to preemptively scold him for being a picky eater." And yes, this makes you a shitty host, and yes, a shitty person. That you either refuse to see or acknowledge this is a whole other issue.

The kid has an extremely limited list of items that he'll eat. Unless OP and her husband is willing to limit themselves to pizza (and no vegetables) every night, that's not going to work. If OP wants to eat normally and 100% accommodate kid's pickiness, then she basically has to make two separate meals. In other words, be a short order cook.

[Anonymous]

Just get a bunch of frozen pizzas and you're sorted. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

I wouldn't like it but it's better than cooking two meals.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person. [/quote]

I'm sure you're Grandparent of the Year. *Slow clap*[/quote]

"Make food you know your guest (and everyone else) likes, and don't make food you know your grandkid won't like" is not sufficient to be grandparent of the year. It's the bare minimum for decent behavior. No one is suggesting that you become a short order cook. [b]What we are suggesting is that it'll be fairly easy to determine what meals he likes, and . . . make them for everyone.[/b] Make dinners that everyone likes. This is not rocket science.

Instead, your approach seems to be, "I am going to make what I want, even though I *know* he won't like it. And I'm going to use this opportunity to preemptively scold him for being a picky eater." And yes, this makes you a shitty host, and yes, a shitty person. That you either refuse to see or acknowledge this is a whole other issue. [/quote]


The kid has an extremely limited list of items that he'll eat. Unless OP and her husband is willing to limit themselves to pizza (and no vegetables) every night, that's not going to work. If OP wants to eat normally and 100% accommodate kid's pickiness, then she basically has to make two separate meals. In other words, be a short order cook.

[/quote]

No, grandpa has already said to get some pizzas in the freezer, but OP doesn’t want to do that. It doesn’t take any special skills to throw a pizza in the oven, before, during, or after dinner, if GS doesn’t like dinner. I’m assuming OP would make dinner for herself and husband... is it that hard to make a frozen pizza (which can likely last 2 or more meals if only being eaten by GS) in addition to cooking her regular dinner?

My toddler often eats before we do. If she’s hungry, it hardly breaks me to make her some scrambled eggs, vegetables, and toast, before I make DH and I dinner. DH often works late. It hardly breaks me to throw in a pizza for him after DD and I have already had dinner.

Seems OP is so hung up on doing it “her way”, she’s expending all the energy she could spend just putting a pizza (or nuggets, or whatever) into the oven. Frozen meals require little prep or thought, and I’m sorry that these are so overwhelming for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here. I had no idea that my initial post would generate 11 pages of replies! Anyway, to clarify some of the questions some of you have raised. The reason why I say 'step' is because that is the truth. I don't have children and I'm in my early 40s. I don't see myself as a grandma but that doesn't make me terrible. The kid calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

The kid is 12, not 2. He's definitely old enough to know better. The issue isn't just that he's a picky eater, it's that he's a picky eater who expects to be catered to. And he's completely rude about it when he's not. He didn't get this way overnight.

Where do people think that entitled adult picky eaters come from? It's because they were catered to as children and expect the same treatment as adults. There are definitely adults who talk this way. The adult picky eaters who are not this way- it's because the adults around them taught them better when they were kids.


Btw, I don't anyone who's on OP's "side" is saying force feed the kid. OP should do whatever she normally does. Once or twice week, she can do a pizza night or whatever he likes. And maybe they can go a restaurant once a week and he can order whatever he wants. But OP shouldn't change her entire dinner routine for 2 weeks just to cater to his pickiness. If the kid doesn't like what's being served for dinner, he should POLITELY decline. And if he's still hungry, he can make himself a sandwich or frozen pizza.

You haven't read any of OPs posts, have you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m about your age with a son about the age of your step grandson. Please read this for a reality check on food. It is exactly what is going on in our house. My son can’t stop eating. It doesn’t mention the beginning puberty hormones and mood swings. Taking the hard line and lecturing about our way or else will not work. Pick your battles. If you really can’t manage to relax a little then plan a girls trip away and let Grandpa have alone time with his grandson.

Feeding my ravenous teen
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/740011.page