MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

In regard to the bolded, if this were their own mother, it would be one thing. We all try to get our own way with our own mothers , but it's not really fair to try to do that with a spouse's mom. If it were the family you grew up in that you want to change, have at it, but I wouldn't try to change the traditions of the family that is not my childhood family. It does come across as trying to exercise power over the mother of your husband.

It makes perfect sense to stay home if you don't want to travel, but it's not really fair play to try to move the party to your house. Not the same thing as saying that we need to stay home this year.

OP here and what part of DH and I discussed this together, HE called his mom, and WE sent an email is unclear? I didn’t do this; DH and I did this together.

Yeah, and what does your DH actually think? Is he as eager to use your china, show your hosting skills, and have it be THIS thanksgiving (as opposed to the Thanksgiving with your parents next year, Easter, Christmas, or 4th of July?)

You still haven't answered whether you think your MIL would have been ok with doing a different holiday, and if Thanksgiving is particularly special to her.

There were a LOT of ways you could have done this that were kinder and more cooperative, and respectful of your MIL, but you chose a bulldozer approach. Maybe you have justification for that, but I haven't seen it.

I'm someone who absolutely believes in standing up to problematic relatives and drawing clear lines about behavior ... but nothing you've described here really reflects that sort of situation.

I actually have answered: MIL has a monopoly on ALL holidays, and Thanksgiving is not her favorite. She expects to host Easter, 4th, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

DH loves to cook and wants to host, and make holiday memories in our home.

She does not have a "monopoly" on holidays because you don't spend all your holidays with her!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP

You hadn't actually clarified that, but ok. MIL knew you were about to invite everyone to your house instead of hers, but waited until after you did that to send a long email about why she disagreed. Seems odd of her to let you invite people when she still wanted to host, but maybe she's an odd person. Did your other invited guests know that your MIL was not on board with this change when the accepted your invitation? Not including your BIL/SIL who are clearly on your side. Did aunt/uncle know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.

My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.

OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?

People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

In regard to the bolded, if this were their own mother, it would be one thing. We all try to get our own way with our own mothers , but it's not really fair to try to do that with a spouse's mom. If it were the family you grew up in that you want to change, have at it, but I wouldn't try to change the traditions of the family that is not my childhood family. It does come across as trying to exercise power over the mother of your husband.

It makes perfect sense to stay home if you don't want to travel, but it's not really fair play to try to move the party to your house. Not the same thing as saying that we need to stay home this year.

OP here and what part of DH and I discussed this together, HE called his mom, and WE sent an email is unclear? I didn’t do this; DH and I did this together.

Yeah, and what does your DH actually think? Is he as eager to use your china, show your hosting skills, and have it be THIS thanksgiving (as opposed to the Thanksgiving with your parents next year, Easter, Christmas, or 4th of July?)

You still haven't answered whether you think your MIL would have been ok with doing a different holiday, and if Thanksgiving is particularly special to her.

There were a LOT of ways you could have done this that were kinder and more cooperative, and respectful of your MIL, but you chose a bulldozer approach. Maybe you have justification for that, but I haven't seen it.

I'm someone who absolutely believes in standing up to problematic relatives and drawing clear lines about behavior ... but nothing you've described here really reflects that sort of situation.

I actually have answered: MIL has a monopoly on ALL holidays, and Thanksgiving is not her favorite. She expects to host Easter, 4th, Thanksgiving and Christmas.


DH loves to cook and wants to host, and make holiday memories in our home.

She does not have a "monopoly" on holidays because you don't spend all your holidays with her!!

Every holiday celebrated by DH’s family is hosted in her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

BINGO! OP's agenda is to host her INLAWS to show off her fine china.

OP said she's already hosted her own family and they already rotate houses. Why should she give his family an extra year during her family's turn?

OP is claiming that her interest here is "hosting" in the abstract. It's obviously not, because she already gets the opportunity to host. She clearly has an agenda to take away the hosting of this particular holiday. If she wants to steamroller through her agenda, I guess that's her right. But she can't expect her MIL to be HAPPY about being steamrollered. Life doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

In regard to the bolded, if this were their own mother, it would be one thing. We all try to get our own way with our own mothers , but it's not really fair to try to do that with a spouse's mom. If it were the family you grew up in that you want to change, have at it, but I wouldn't try to change the traditions of the family that is not my childhood family. It does come across as trying to exercise power over the mother of your husband.

It makes perfect sense to stay home if you don't want to travel, but it's not really fair play to try to move the party to your house. Not the same thing as saying that we need to stay home this year.

OP here and what part of DH and I discussed this together, HE called his mom, and WE sent an email is unclear? I didn’t do this; DH and I did this together.

Yeah, and what does your DH actually think? Is he as eager to use your china, show your hosting skills, and have it be THIS thanksgiving (as opposed to the Thanksgiving with your parents next year, Easter, Christmas, or 4th of July?)

You still haven't answered whether you think your MIL would have been ok with doing a different holiday, and if Thanksgiving is particularly special to her.

There were a LOT of ways you could have done this that were kinder and more cooperative, and respectful of your MIL, but you chose a bulldozer approach. Maybe you have justification for that, but I haven't seen it.

I'm someone who absolutely believes in standing up to problematic relatives and drawing clear lines about behavior ... but nothing you've described here really reflects that sort of situation.

I actually have answered: MIL has a monopoly on ALL holidays, and Thanksgiving is not her favorite. She expects to host Easter, 4th, Thanksgiving and Christmas.


DH loves to cook and wants to host, and make holiday memories in our home.

She does not have a "monopoly" on holidays because you don't spend all your holidays with her!!

Every holiday celebrated by DH’s family is hosted in her home.

Yeah, why does OP care? She already made clear she doesn't actually go to every holiday at her MIL's house, and she already does get to host sometimes at her home. She also continues to refuse to answer whether there could have been a compromise holiday that would have had less significance to her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.

My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.

OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?

People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.

Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP

You hadn't actually clarified that, but ok. MIL knew you were about to invite everyone to your house instead of hers, but waited until after you did that to send a long email about why she disagreed. Seems odd of her to let you invite people when she still wanted to host, but maybe she's an odd person. Did your other invited guests know that your MIL was not on board with this change when the accepted your invitation? Not including your BIL/SIL who are clearly on your side. Did aunt/uncle know?

OP here. She didn’t seem unwilling to change or give any reasons why she couldn’t during the call. She knew we were inviting others. She was on the email. THEN she objected. No one “knew MIL wasn’t on board” because she got off board after invites she knew would be issued were issued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

BINGO! OP's agenda is to host her INLAWS to show off her fine china.

OP said she's already hosted her own family and they already rotate houses. Why should she give his family an extra year during her family's turn?

OP is claiming that her interest here is "hosting" in the abstract. It's obviously not, because she already gets the opportunity to host. She clearly has an agenda to take away the hosting of this particular holiday. If she wants to steamroller through her agenda, I guess that's her right. But she can't expect her MIL to be HAPPY about being steamrollered. Life doesn't work that way.

She wants to host her inlaws, not her own family. She's not steamrolling everyone. The rest of her inlaws seem happy with the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.

My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.

OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?

People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.

Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...

Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP

You hadn't actually clarified that, but ok. MIL knew you were about to invite everyone to your house instead of hers, but waited until after you did that to send a long email about why she disagreed. Seems odd of her to let you invite people when she still wanted to host, but maybe she's an odd person. Did your other invited guests know that your MIL was not on board with this change when the accepted your invitation? Not including your BIL/SIL who are clearly on your side. Did aunt/uncle know?

OP here. She didn’t seem unwilling to change or give any reasons why she couldn’t during the call. She knew we were inviting others. She was on the email. THEN she objected. No one “knew MIL wasn’t on board” because she got off board after invites she knew would be issued were issued.

Thanks for addressing. If this is the case, then it's MIL's own fault for not speaking up sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP

You hadn't actually clarified that, but ok. MIL knew you were about to invite everyone to your house instead of hers, but waited until after you did that to send a long email about why she disagreed. Seems odd of her to let you invite people when she still wanted to host, but maybe she's an odd person. Did your other invited guests know that your MIL was not on board with this change when the accepted your invitation? Not including your BIL/SIL who are clearly on your side. Did aunt/uncle know?

OP here. She didn’t seem unwilling to change or give any reasons why she couldn’t during the call. She knew we were inviting others. She was on the email. THEN she objected. No one “knew MIL wasn’t on board” because she got off board after invites she knew would be issued were issued.

Maybe she didn't think you would be making thanksgiving invitations IN APRIL because that's patently absurd. She may have had more to say but didn't think you were going to be so aggressive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.

My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.

OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?

People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.

Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...

Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?

Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.

My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.

OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?

People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.

Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...

Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?

Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.

OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP

You hadn't actually clarified that, but ok. MIL knew you were about to invite everyone to your house instead of hers, but waited until after you did that to send a long email about why she disagreed. Seems odd of her to let you invite people when she still wanted to host, but maybe she's an odd person. Did your other invited guests know that your MIL was not on board with this change when the accepted your invitation? Not including your BIL/SIL who are clearly on your side. Did aunt/uncle know?

OP here. She didn’t seem unwilling to change or give any reasons why she couldn’t during the call. She knew we were inviting others. She was on the email. THEN she objected. No one “knew MIL wasn’t on board” because she got off board after invites she knew would be issued were issued.

Maybe she didn't think you would be making thanksgiving invitations IN APRIL because that's patently absurd. She may have had more to say but didn't think you were going to be so aggressive about it.

I'm one of OP's skeptics, but this argument doesn't make sense. If MIL agreed, why would it make a difference if OP invited people in April or October? So what?