Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sat my DH down one night and told him that since we both work and have a 50/50 modern relationship that we need to work out who's responsible for what household stuff and what we're going to outsource. This allowed me to walk through all the things that someone has to do and I was surprised that when given a choice about what his responsibilities would be, he's actually stepped up and owned them since this conversation.

Prior to this I was doing everything and feeling really resentful. He essentially must have thought that a fairy made everything happen or that I "wanted" to do it all to control it (he actually said this when we were talking about it calmly).

Anyway, now I cook and he cleans up/loads and unloads the dishwasher every day. He's in charge of garbage, yardwork and lining up handymen/electricians/plumbers, etc. to fix things. I do laundry, grocery shopping and set up family appointments/calendar stuff. We have a cleaning service come in. Sometimes I have groceries delivered if things are hectic.

I stopped asking about his things or suggesting that he do them a certain way. I just let go of them and I've been surprised that he actually has taken ownership and does them without prompting (before this I felt like his mother pestering him to do things all the time. Like the OP, I also got to a point where I needed to prioritize myself. I set up lunches and dinners with friends, I do the things that are important to me. I don't get wrapped up in what he's doing anymore.

I think it worked because that conversation was like a negotiation and he actually now feels that he has some ownership in how smoothly our family and home run.

But isn't this just what happens in healthy marriages? DH and I have had that conversation too and both have our areas. I wouldn't say I'm prioritizing myself or letting things go- I just talked to DH. Like you do. In healthy relationships....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay OP and others, I have one more question about this approach. How do you not get mad at him? Let's say you feel like you do more and he's lazy. How are you able to just let things go and not feel resentful?

I rarely ever get mad like that, I just don't. If he doesn't think mowing the lawn is a priority, I do it when I DO think it is a priority, or pay somebody to do it. But, my DH isn't lazy. If you think of what he does as an extra, a bonus, the side dollop of whipped cream next to your lovely cake of life, well, you get to enjoy that whipped cream. But I don't count on him to do more around the house because I am the one who cares about it. I care if the floors are clean? I wash them. I care if the cars are washed? I wash them. If I care that the children wash their faces before they leave the house? I ask them to wash them. Because if DH doesn't care about it, he just doesn't. And "forcing" him to do it ... not a good strategy.

He SHOULD care about that stuff. He would if you were truly 50/50 partners. You are lowering your standards and settling for something second rate. I don't know why you would do that let alone advise someone else to. Bad idea.

+ 1

New Poster here. I agree. If it matters to you, it should matter to him. It's really that simple. The fact that it doesn't shows disrespect to you. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't want you to run yourself ragged doing all this work for the family and house, he would *want* to help you in order to ease your burden. I really do not understand this thread. I'm getting the sense that there are a lot more "bad" marriages out there than I thought.

I think this is what it comes down to, ultimately. The women interjecting in here with their "I don't get it" or "I wouldn't put up with that" comments are not married to lazy, self involved jerks. So they really *don't* get it. They don't need to. They have husbands who either do all this stuff on their own without having to be asked or do it as soon as they are asked, no problem. If that is you, just be glad you don't get it. You're lucky you don't.

It's not "luck" not to marry or stay with a completely selfish man-baby. That is a CHOICE.

BS. You can do everything right and still find out your DH sucks once you have children. I don't care what you smug people say.

Live your choices.

We are living them. That's the point of this thread. Get off of it if you have nothing kind or meaningful to contribute.

Stop devaluing the hard work, difficult choices and active efforts of people who have forged better relationships and circumstances for themselves by writing it all off as "luck."

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."

+1

yes to this!

[Anonymous]

Great advice here, and I'm starting to use it today.

What about a husband who doesn't want to go away (day trip or weekend trip to visit friends/family), but doesn't want you& the kids to go either. He is controlling in a over safety conscience way (former law enforcement, expects the worst and the current events doesn't help). How would you approach? Trips to see family is 1x a year, not excessive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."

I hear you, but if "Donna" ends up going with me to everything, I am going to disconnect emotionally from my DH, basically fall out of love with him. That's what scares me about this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."

I hear you, but if "Donna" ends up going with me to everything, I am going to disconnect emotionally from my DH, basically fall out of love with him. That's what scares me about this approach.

Tell him that. Tell him that you've been working on making yourself happy by doing what you want to do, but that it scares you that you feel your connection to him weakening. You want to be happy, but you also want to do things with him. If he doesn't respond to that, then you might have to face the fact that you do have a really big challenge on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

Man I don't know. I would find it very hard not to take that personally and as a slap in the face. It's so cold and indifferent to your feelings. Is the relationship generally happy and good aside from this issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."

+1

yes to this!

See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

Man I don't know. I would find it very hard not to take that personally and as a slap in the face. It's so cold and indifferent to your feelings. Is the relationship generally happy and good aside from this issue?

Are you sure he wouldn't go if you set it up?

I mean maybe lead with - hey, I just signed us up for a (his favorite type of food) cooking class to take together. It's on Friday evenings.

Then see what he says.

If he grouses, then I'd say, "You don't want to go, really? Ok then, (so and so) will go with me.

And then do it with your friend.

I suspect that if you set it up and told him he might go. But if he says no, don't get in a fight about it. Be dissmissive of him and just act like it's no big deal - you have a zillion people who would love to spend time with you.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.


If DH can't be bothered to go, you have way bigger fish to fry. That's not something you can do anything about. At that point you'd really have to decide to just break up or go about your married life and do things just for you/on your own.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."

+1

yes to this!

See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."

+1

yes to this!

See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?

Yeah I think there is something I'm not seeing here in the general advice in this thread because over and over it seems to be - make choices that make you happy and if you have to live as if you are a single person, do that. Fine, fair enough. But then, my question is, if you're already living as a single person, what is the point in being married? Who wants to be married to someone who is basically indifferent to their feelings on a wide array of subjects from chores to sex and only wants to spend together time on their terms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great advice here, and I'm starting to use it today.

What about a husband who doesn't want to go away (day trip or weekend trip to visit friends/family), but doesn't want you& the kids to go either. He is controlling in a over safety conscience way (former law enforcement, expects the worst and the current events doesn't help). How would you approach? Trips to see family is 1x a year, not excessive

Go without him. It's to see family.