Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, OP, I am so sorry your dd experienced this. It is awful but it sounds like you handled it in a very appropriate and rational manner. I am curious, though, why you jumped to the conclusion (or confirmed your conclusion) that this dad is a racist because of his beliefs on illegal immigration. I'm a legal immigrant here and have been called slurs as well. But, I also think our country needs to change and fix our immigration laws and system. I just wanted to point that out not to say that the dad isn't racist (clearly he is by what he said to your dd) but to point out that not all people who believe in immigration reform are racist.

Hmmm, maybe you think it could be the confluence between calling a 5-year old a spic, and having virulent anti-immigrant facebook posts, that might just MAYBE lead to the conclusion of racism? No, that would be totally irrational ...

OP said the page had "anti-immigrant" posts, not just anti-illegal immigration stuff. I think immigration reform would be a topic of discussion better suited for another thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

That's how I read it. i.e. The people who keep trying to find excuses for the father may not know many people of color.

People weren't trying to find excuses for the father. They were asking for more information. Which was finally followed up with more information that explained the situation better and helped everyone understand that it truly was not a misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with asking for more information. In fact, it's really crappy to rush to judgement without all facts. It's not the same as sticking up for him or saying he isn't racist. Innocent until proven guilty. I think we've gotten enough info at this point to see the dude is a racist.

So the default is that a person of color has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they actually heard a racial slur? Because in the opinion of white people, racial slurs just aren't used openly anymore? Right ...

You're being obtuse (deliberately, I hope).

A five year-old's account of what they ate for breakfast is unreliable.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".

Given these facts, there was a reasonable possibility that this was a misunderstanding. OP's subsequent insight on father's political views made this (unfortunately) less likely. But given the facts here, further exploration was clearly warranted before jumping to conclusions.

That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

BTW, I'm white and no, of course I wouldn't laugh if someone called my kid a cracker However, my kids aren't white so it's not going to happen -- but there ARE shades to slurs and some aren't as bad as others, and might not be worth cutting off a friend whose parent used one for (if, for example, it was less offensive, I would consider talking with the parent and trying to resolve it).

honestly, I am white & would laugh if someone called me or my kid a cracker.

I'm white, and I've never heard this word used as anything but a vehicle for an appetizer. Must go google now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry this happened. I think your solution is the best one; unfortunately the husband is probably not going to be open to dialogue and frankly that just seems like a waste of time and mental energy. I would definitely try to have any future playdates at your house. What a terrible thing to say in front of children.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to spare myself from the torture of reading 12 pages of dcum racial discussion. I read the original post and the long follow up post. You're doing the right thing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

That's how I read it. i.e. The people who keep trying to find excuses for the father may not know many people of color.

People weren't trying to find excuses for the father. They were asking for more information. Which was finally followed up with more information that explained the situation better and helped everyone understand that it truly was not a misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with asking for more information. In fact, it's really crappy to rush to judgement without all facts. It's not the same as sticking up for him or saying he isn't racist. Innocent until proven guilty. I think we've gotten enough info at this point to see the dude is a racist.

So the default is that a person of color has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they actually heard a racial slur? Because in the opinion of white people, racial slurs just aren't used openly anymore? Right ...

You're being obtuse (deliberately, I hope).

A five year-old's account of what they ate for breakfast is unreliable.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".

Given these facts, there was a reasonable possibility that this was a misunderstanding. OP's subsequent insight on father's political views made this (unfortunately) less likely. But given the facts here, further exploration was clearly warranted before jumping to conclusions.

That's all.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.
You assume he even views the word as a slur.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".
I've been trying to see this point, and I just don't. How could the child mistake "Hispanic" for "a spic" if she'd never heard the latter before? If anything "a spic" would be mistaken for "Hispanic" (and she wouldn't have brought it up with her mother), not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

That's how I read it. i.e. The people who keep trying to find excuses for the father may not know many people of color.

People weren't trying to find excuses for the father. They were asking for more information. Which was finally followed up with more information that explained the situation better and helped everyone understand that it truly was not a misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with asking for more information. In fact, it's really crappy to rush to judgement without all facts. It's not the same as sticking up for him or saying he isn't racist. Innocent until proven guilty. I think we've gotten enough info at this point to see the dude is a racist.

So the default is that a person of color has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they actually heard a racial slur? Because in the opinion of white people, racial slurs just aren't used openly anymore? Right ...

You're being obtuse (deliberately, I hope).

A five year-old's account of what they ate for breakfast is unreliable.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".

Given these facts, there was a reasonable possibility that this was a misunderstanding. OP's subsequent insight on father's political views made this (unfortunately) less likely. But given the facts here, further exploration was clearly warranted before jumping to conclusions.

That's all.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.
You assume he even views the word as a slur.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".
I've been trying to see this point, and I just don't. How could the child mistake "Hispanic" for "a spic" if she'd never heard the latter before? If anything "a spic" would be mistaken for "Hispanic" (and she wouldn't have brought it up with her mother), not the other way around.

Quoted PP here. Your second point is really interesting and persuasive. I assumed possible confusion simply because the words sound alike, but you're absolutely right about implications of kid's prior lack of exposure.

Thanks for making me re-think.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand and agree that it's highly likely that a slur was used. I do think the mom would benefit from knowing. She would probably be mortified. If not, she would at least know why DD will no longer come for play dates.

I'm relieved that your daughter was young enough to not know what that was. Can you imagine that moment for a tween who is fully aware, yet on her own at a friend's place experiencing that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

Hmmm, I find it a bit unbelievable that a 5 yr old would recall this as a detail to repeat. She likely met the dad for a few seconds and then went off to play. My kid is also Hispanic. If someone had said that to her at 5, it would have meant nothing to her and she wouldn't have cared. She would have zero context for the term and would assume it applied to all kids not just her specifically.

Are you sure? Children are smaet and the daughter was repeating it because the whole experience was a wth to her. And no one knows what else was said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

That's how I read it. i.e. The people who keep trying to find excuses for the father may not know many people of color.

People weren't trying to find excuses for the father. They were asking for more information. Which was finally followed up with more information that explained the situation better and helped everyone understand that it truly was not a misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with asking for more information. In fact, it's really crappy to rush to judgement without all facts. It's not the same as sticking up for him or saying he isn't racist. Innocent until proven guilty. I think we've gotten enough info at this point to see the dude is a racist.

So the default is that a person of color has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they actually heard a racial slur? Because in the opinion of white people, racial slurs just aren't used openly anymore? Right ...

You're being obtuse (deliberately, I hope).

A five year-old's account of what they ate for breakfast is unreliable.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".

Given these facts, there was a reasonable possibility that this was a misunderstanding. OP's subsequent insight on father's political views made this (unfortunately) less likely. But given the facts here, further exploration was clearly warranted before jumping to conclusions.

That's all.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.
You assume he even views the word as a slur.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".
I've been trying to see this point, and I just don't. How could the child mistake "Hispanic" for "a spic" if she'd never heard the latter before? If anything "a spic" would be mistaken for "Hispanic" (and she wouldn't have brought it up with her mother), not the other way around.

Quoted PP here. Your second point is really interesting and persuasive. I assumed possible confusion simply because the words sound alike, but you're absolutely right about implications of kid's prior lack of exposure.

Thanks for making me re-think.

You still aren't seeing your own fundamental mistake: operating from the premise that racism does not exist and is not often expressed out loud. It i, and that is what the actual people of color on this thread are trying to tell you. You're approaching this like it is some bloodless logic puzzle, but you can't just assume all your assumptions are correct.

[Anonymous]

So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

Minorities do not exist for the enrichment or betterment of White people. White people are responsible for their own enlightenment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

Minorities do not exist for the enrichment or betterment of White people. White people are responsible for their own enlightenment.

*slow clap*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, PPs. "Well, I've never heard it, so..." Yeah, are you Latino? I'd never seen a cab not stop for black people before I was with my black friends, either.

+1 Some people on DCUM seem to have limited social circles.

We're such losers that we only are friends with people who would never such things to a child, and probably not to an adult. We should broaden our social circles to include bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, obviously.

You don't need to be friends with bigots, jerks, racists, and morons, but it would be nice if you at least acknowledged they exist. The (non-hispanic) PPs are like "Well, I've never heard it, so I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't hear it." Do you see the problem with that statement? Do you see why your response isn't warranted?

Limited social circles poster could also be referring to not knowing people who've been on the receiving end of bigotry too.

That's how I read it. i.e. The people who keep trying to find excuses for the father may not know many people of color.

People weren't trying to find excuses for the father. They were asking for more information. Which was finally followed up with more information that explained the situation better and helped everyone understand that it truly was not a misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with asking for more information. In fact, it's really crappy to rush to judgement without all facts. It's not the same as sticking up for him or saying he isn't racist. Innocent until proven guilty. I think we've gotten enough info at this point to see the dude is a racist.

So the default is that a person of color has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they actually heard a racial slur? Because in the opinion of white people, racial slurs just aren't used openly anymore? Right ...

You're being obtuse (deliberately, I hope).

A five year-old's account of what they ate for breakfast is unreliable.

Most people do not direct racial slurs to their children's friends.

It would be very easy for a five year-old to confuse "Hispanic" and "spic".

Given these facts, there was a reasonable possibility that this was a misunderstanding. OP's subsequent insight on father's political views made this (unfortunately) less likely. But given the facts here, further exploration was clearly warranted before jumping to conclusions.

That's all.

I agree. My DD tells me every day she got hit, she got time out. . . She told me for a month when questioned that she played soccer. She never played soccer. . .i never approached the alleged hitting kids parents because i know she is making it up 99% of the time. Or at least most.

Plus, why confrontation. It will not have any positive outcome, so why look like angry mom. I would lay low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So most people here are advocating shunning a 5 year old girl (the friend) because of the unproven comments of the father? I find that outrageous and beyond tragic for the girl. A girl in her situation (with a possibly clueless or worse, racist father) more than anything needs diversity in her life so that she can stand on a foundation of friendships her own making and tell her dad, one day, to shove it.

Minorities do not exist for the enrichment or betterment of White people. White people are responsible for their own enlightenment.

Continuing a friendship of a child is not enriching White people, it's being a friend.