Love my wife, but she's getting seriously fat....
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Anonymous
Do you want to be a person who doesn't know "loose" from "lose"? There are lots of you out there! |
Anonymous
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I really understand the OPs situation from the DWs perspective. I was 5'1 and 110 when DH and I met, and gained about 15 pounds by the time I got pregnant with DS. After DS was born I was about 130 and by 6 mos PP with nursing and an elimination diet (NO EXERCISE) I was back down to 115. It was awesome and I felt somewhat smug. Once DS weaned and my diet was no longer restricted, I went back up to 130 within a year.
I admit that the first few months back to work I felt completely strung out and crazed by the constant sleep deprivation, pumping, watching my diet |
Anonymous
hit send too soon...anyway, all of the restriction and stress of those first few months led me to feel like I could "reward" myself once we weaned and DS was sleeping through the night. My DH is fitness obsessed and really does walk the walk. He loves me and tries to be supportive but he does come off as insensitive when it comes to diet and exercise. To me, it's easy for him. It's hard for me. I'm the default parent, I'm always the one focused on all the extras that need to get done in order to keep the household running...and it seems la-di-da simple for him to get his workout in and keep eating well. OP, I think the poster who suggested you try hard to support your DW in areas other than just eating/exercise was right on. If she's anything like me, she's focused on everything but and comforting herself with treats during a stressful week. Once I felt I had the latitude and time to focus on something other than work and parenting, the weight started to come off again. And of course, now I'm pregnant again. |
Anonymous
I'm the OP, and maybe it's time for this thread to die...there's been a lot of repetition. For the record (for those who've wondered) - I'm not an adonis, but I was 5'11" & 165 when we married and I still am today; I've got my hair and I am pretty good looking...none of that has changed. - I am the default parent - I do the majority of the cleaning and laundry - I do all the cooking - The baby sleeps for 10 hours uninterrupted - Despite still working my own 50 hours a week in a supervisory job and being the default parent, I manage to squeeze in workouts during my lunchtime. In short: the issue is not lack of support for my wife; that's mostly a distraction and excuse making. More things we know: - I'm a jerk - I'm a horrible and insensitive person - I should be blind - The baby is all that matters - I'm an asshole who's going to dump her at the next opportunity I wanted to vent - I'm not happy about being on the verge of being repulsed. I legitimately fear that will have an adverse impact on our relationship and I both love her and love our family. I don't care if she's a 3% body fat hot-yogi or not; that would be fine, but I know perfectly well that is not who I married - that is who I dated before I met DW and it just isn't that important to me. The looks didn't make up for the rest of the hassle. I do appreciate the insight about breast feeding. That makes complete sense. That was constructive and informative information that helps me better frame my expectations, and makes it easier to "be patient". I do not feel my wife, already dealing with another human being feeding off of her, should be toughing it out through massive hunger pangs and cravings. I'm OK with it. I'll still take her out for Ice Cream as a treat. She went out and bought lunch things (this week!) that she likes (not quite my salads) and started packing her lunch, precisely because I think she knows it's too hard to try to resist the french fries and the pizza and the soft serve if she goes out. |
Anonymous
OP, you are an honest man. Speaking the truth is not fashionable in America sometimes. Love and support your wife. But if her weight is something she can work on to improve, why can't this be a honest and respectful discussion? I gained about 25 pounds after giving birth to two children. My husband and I openly talk about this. I welcome any tips he gives me for weight management since he knows a lot about exercising. I also vent frequently to him how difficult to lose weight and admit I often don't have time or will of power to follow through my exercise and diet plan. This is what family is all about, to discuss things openly and honestly. |
Anonymous
I don't think you're a jerk, OP. I'm glad that the hormones discussion gave you additional patience (I found that convo informative for my own reasons and was grateful for it). Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
| OP, I haven't read the entire thread, so apologies if this is a repeat. But can you think about what YOU might find both kind and motivating if you were the one who needed to lose weight? I struggle with this, too. My DH was 5'9" 165 when we met and is now 215+. He knows he needs to lose weight to be healthy, and I know he feels unattractive, too. But my efforts to provide lower-calorie food or propose walks we can do together haven't been that successful. So the above is a question I'm asking myself, as well. |
Anonymous
OP again. It's not a repeat, but some good suggestions were offered by others in this regard: don't comment, don't badger, and model good behavior; help by providing good food and modelling good eating habits. Personally I think this kind of thing only goes so far: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I do think at some point you have to let the chips fall where they fall: if you aren't attracted, then your ardor shifts and the consequences are apparent. My sibling's husband was like your husband, and nothing she's done has really worked. |
Anonymous
| You are a nasty little bitch OP |
Anonymous
No, no he's not. He sounds quite reasonable. I on the other hand, have a husband for whom I will never be skinny enough. Never. There is always a little bit more to tighten up before I can look like Elle "The Body" McPherson at her prime. I'm 47, 5'8", 145, do Orange Theory 4-5 times a week. Not good enough. Need to be like his mom, who is open about her fasts to remain skinny, her running of stairs in the middle of the night, and who really does not do dinner at all. What she does is what it takes to be menopausal/post-menopausal and still underweight. Weight has been her 100% focus for many many years. She is single minded. I didn't know any of this until after we had been married a while. I just thought his mom looked great, although a little too skinny. |
Anonymous
| Op, I am 3 yrs pp and just finding the space and the mental capacity to lose the baby weight. Be in it for the long haul. Sometimes the weight is not the will to move, but the mental and emotional capacity to deal with the new life. |
Anonymous
I'm really sorry. That sounds terrible. |
Anonymous
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PP, please tell me you have a good therapist. I am in the same situation with a hypercritical fault-finding partner and it has helped me tremendously.
Journaling and visualization have saved my sanity. |
Anonymous
| I love all of these bitter women replying like it is super difficult to lose baby weight. It is called get off your ass and exercise. I lost ALL of my baby weight gain in two months. Bitches be makin' excuses for anything. |
Anonymous
I agree. I'm a body type that tends to gain weight and at my peak was 180#s at 5'9". I had to exercise and watch what I put in my mouth and lost it overy a long 6 months.. I'm doen to 147# for a few years noe where I look and feel great. Not only was all that excess fat horrible for me I felt tired and horrible always lugging it around. I lost it FOR ME. Why anyone would want to be out of shape and fat is beyond me. It doesn't feel good and anyone saying otherwise is a liar and lying to themselves. |