Vacation drama with mother

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you left, OP. One of the great things about being an adult and financially independent is that you no longer have to put up with their bad behavior towards you or others in your presence. You also can change dysfunctional interactions by altering how you react to them. You know your mother would have continued her criticism through the rest of the vacation. Better to leave the beach happy and pale than come home with a tan and battered self-image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you were a guest in your mother beach house. I am sure she went to a lot of trouble to host you and your young family and your sister and her family.

Yes, she said something a bit mean - but you made a huge deal by leaving and ruining the vacation.

Why couldn't you have simply called her out on it and said - hey Mom, I didn't realize these were for the kids; I'm starving. You should have said something right away.

Instead you let it fester and you embarrassed your family by storming out. (Even if you left quietly, it is essentiallly storming out.)

Also, you are probably an overly sensitive sleep deprived new mother so there is that to consider.

This is your mother who was trying to provide a nice family vacation for everyone. You say she has been "toxic" for years. It sounds like you are passive aggressive.

You should have let it go (or called her out on her words right away.)

Leaving made the whole thing 100x worse.

There is no embarrassment unless other people are present. Embarrassment requires spectators.

The first thing about providing a "nice family vacation for everyone" is to get enough fucking food in the house for everyone. Then she wouldn't have had to ration food by assigning it to different family members.

[Anonymous]

I was fat at one point of time in my life, and some of my friends and family took it upon themselves to point it out to me, repeatedly. I had a perfect comeback that made everyone shut up, and one or two people cry:

Father: "You're getting porky."
Me: "Yes, I am. Too bad for you. Go get a different daughter if you want".

[Anonymous]

Wow. Reading this thread had been really educational. OP gives what I believe to be a fairly straight forward story about dysfunctional family relationships, and some of the commenters think it's somehow about nutrition.
Here's some food for thought:
If you think the orginal post is about breakfast than you need to spend a little less time worrying about your ( and other people's ) waist lines and a little more time developing critical thinking skills, and your intellect in general.
Possibly try to gain more empathy- although I'm not sure that can be taught. Seems some peoples mothers handed down good eating habits and perhaps little else.

I have a similar dynamic within my extended family. Luckily not to the extreme OP described.
OP, I understand wanting to love someone and holding out hope things will change. Don't lose your optimism. Leaving, however was the right thing to do. If your mother has the personality I expect she has- even confronting her in the moment wouldn't have helped. Of course it's so hard to do in the moment. It's shocking behavior and we are caught off guard. When you start expecting it, and coming back hard and fast with responses to these things there is a down side. You've become hardened and it takes a toll on your other relationships. If you calmly walk away enough, she'll curb her behavior. Same as training a dog.

[Anonymous]

But people don't call you fat and selfish over one instance. Isn't it likely that OP reverted back into a child like role with her mom? Perhaps she did nothing but expect to be waited on hand and foot and provided for all her needs yet her mother was expecting her to behave like a guest or at least like an adult. I've seen this behavior from my sister well into her 40's where she would just be like a child, selfish and needy and not helpful in the least. I think dysfunctional goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But people don't call you fat and selfish over one instance. Isn't it likely that OP reverted back into a child like role with her mom? Perhaps she did nothing but expect to be waited on hand and foot and provided for all her needs yet her mother was expecting her to behave like a guest or at least like an adult. I've seen this behavior from my sister well into her 40's where she would just be like a child, selfish and needy and not helpful in the least. I think dysfunctional goes both ways.

I think you're projecting here. The above story we've been given doesn't support your theory. Even if the daughter in this intance wasn't being helpful, the mother's behavior is inexcusable. Sure there are two sides to every story, and the truth often lies in the middle. However, we are working from a certain set of facts and trusting we have a reliable narrator.
You are embellishing with your own narrative. Stick to what we've been told.


OP, if you are still around I'd love to know what your sister said about all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you were a guest in your mother beach house. I am sure she went to a lot of trouble to host you and your young family and your sister and her family.

Yes, she said something a bit mean - but you made a huge deal by leaving and ruining the vacation.

Why couldn't you have simply called her out on it and said - hey Mom, I didn't realize these were for the kids; I'm starving. You should have said something right away.

Instead you let it fester and you embarrassed your family by storming out. (Even if you left quietly, it is essentiallly storming out.)

Also, you are probably an overly sensitive sleep deprived new mother so there is that to consider.

This is your mother who was trying to provide a nice family vacation for everyone. You say she has been "toxic" for years. It sounds like you are passive aggressive.

You should have let it go (or called her out on her words right away.)

Leaving made the whole thing 100x worse.

There is no embarrassment unless other people are present. Embarrassment requires spectators.

The first thing about providing a "nice family vacation for everyone" is to get enough fucking food in the house for everyone. Then she wouldn't have had to ration food by assigning it to different family members.

Right because nobody noticed OP's family left.

[Anonymous]

Leave. Your mom is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: (My mom gained less than 25 lbs and I was a 7 lb baby)

Are you Asian? Otherwise you must be pretty old; that's no longer considered healthy except for women of a small build.

Actually, you are wrong pp. I was told to gain no more than 25 lbs when pregnant four years ago. Standards have changed. And no, I was not overweight to start. I was size 4.

I have a small build, only 5', normal weight size 0 and I was told to not gain more than 20. Gained 18 and had a 7.5 lb baby. Lost all the weight except for 2 lbs within 6 wks of giving birth. Gaining too much weight during pregnancy increases rate of gestational diabetes and/or preeclampsia.

Yes, Asian. And my mom was/is tiny, 5'1", even now and she's in her 50s. So the weight gain during her pregnancy with me was a large percentage of her body weight.

And yes, she ate a typical Asian diet throughout, which consisted of a lot of fatty meats, such as pork belly. And also rice and vegetables of course. She hardly ate bread though, or pasta, zero junk food, zero fast food, zero processed foods, very few sweets. And the sweets she did eat were not that sweet. I'm American, but I grew up with the same habits and I eat basically the same way, still.

Parents who have bad eating habits, addicting their children to sugar at a young age, and in many cases while they are still pregnant - I see that as child abuse. Those poor kids don't know any better.

Aside - I have one acquaintance, already fat, who gained 80 lbs while pregnant. She took it as license to eat whatever the hell she wanted, which seemed to be nachos non-stop and fast food. No kidding. The one food she stopped eating - sushi. She said didn't want to "harm baby."

People here come up with so many excuses why they are fat and how they should love their (fat, unhealthy) bodies. The fact is that very few people have medical issues where fatness is not a choice (and I feel for those people); most people are fat for the simple reason that they are stupid and/or lazy.

Oooh, too bad. Most Asians get very overweight living here in America. You may have kept up your mom's diet, but your kids, or their kids, won't. They'll start eating like Americans. And then it's FAT CITY. Asians are TERRIBLE at processing carbs and get gestational diabetes and type 2 diabetes super easily. Waaay easier than European Americans.

So please, keep crowing about how small you are. It's only a matter of time before your descendants are the fattest in the land.[/quote]


Yes. And original PP, when this happens, please remember to tell them directly to their faces that they are stupid and/or lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you were a guest in your mother beach house. I am sure she went to a lot of trouble to host you and your young family and your sister and her family.

Yes, she said something a bit mean - but you made a huge deal by leaving and ruining the vacation.

Why couldn't you have simply called her out on it and said - hey Mom, I didn't realize these were for the kids; I'm starving. You should have said something right away.

Instead you let it fester and you embarrassed your family by storming out. (Even if you left quietly, it is essentiallly storming out.)

Also, you are probably an overly sensitive sleep deprived new mother so there is that to consider.

This is your mother who was trying to provide a nice family vacation for everyone. You say she has been "toxic" for years. It sounds like you are passive aggressive.

You should have let it go (or called her out on her words right away.)

Leaving made the whole thing 100x worse.

There is no embarrassment unless other people are present. Embarrassment requires spectators.

The first thing about providing a "nice family vacation for everyone" is to get enough fucking food in the house for everyone. Then she wouldn't have had to ration food by assigning it to different family members.

Right because nobody noticed OP's family left.

They better have fucking noticed. Her mother was being a complete cunt. There are consequences when you behave badly. Mom is a misbehaving bitch= off spring don't have to put up with it. Simple. The only person who is embarrassed here is mother. She was called on the carpet. It's why she doubled down. What a piece of work. Op I think you wrote you are in therapy up thread. Good for you. Looks like we have a number of commenters here that may also be in need of some help. They can't recognize boundaries being crossed and abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Wow what a strange series of responses. Let's face it; OP is fat and selfish and a drama queen. Mooching off her mom for a free vacation and then trying to ruin it for everyone by making it all about her. I bet they have learned the hard way not to respond to drama queen's outbursts over every perceived slight. If OP can't or won't afford her own vacation then that's evidence enough she is selfish. She makes one excuse after another about why she is justified in taking three waffles but my guess is that there is a lot more going on and OP wants to come cry with the rest of the entitlement crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a strange series of responses. Let's face it; OP is fat and selfish and a drama queen. Mooching off her mom for a free vacation and then trying to ruin it for everyone by making it all about her. I bet they have learned the hard way not to respond to drama queen's outbursts over every perceived slight. If OP can't or won't afford her own vacation then that's evidence enough she is selfish. She makes one excuse after another about why she is justified in taking three waffles but my guess is that there is a lot more going on and OP wants to come cry with the rest of the entitlement crowd.

Are you an angry mother or mother-in-law? This response is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But people don't call you fat and selfish over one instance. Isn't it likely that OP reverted back into a child like role with her mom? Perhaps she did nothing but expect to be waited on hand and foot and provided for all her needs yet her mother was expecting her to behave like a guest or at least like an adult. I've seen this behavior from my sister well into her 40's where she would just be like a child, selfish and needy and not helpful in the least. I think dysfunctional goes both ways.

People who love you should not call you fat and selfish ever. There are kinder and more loving ways to help someone who has these traits, if help is warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a strange series of responses. Let's face it; OP is fat and selfish and a drama queen. Mooching off her mom for a free vacation and then trying to ruin it for everyone by making it all about her. I bet they have learned the hard way not to respond to drama queen's outbursts over every perceived slight. If OP can't or won't afford her own vacation then that's evidence enough she is selfish. She makes one excuse after another about why she is justified in taking three waffles but my guess is that there is a lot more going on and OP wants to come cry with the rest of the entitlement crowd.

Are you an angry mother or mother-in-law? This response is ridiculous.

+ 1 million. Hope its a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, you definitely did the right thing. A few years ago I was at my parents beach house and my parents kept saying such rude things to my DH (they have never ever liked him, why, I guess because he's an immigrant but he is a great dad and husband and he turns the other cheek), but I had had enough and said we're leaving, right there in the middle of the afternoon. I told my parents I wasn't going to listen to them bad mouth the father of my children ANYMORE, ever again. I didn't even speak to them for a while, but things got better. I finally went back this year to the beach house and they did not repeat any of that behavior. It is important to stand up for yourself at any age.

Also, where was your sister during all of this? My sister has my back and I have hers. Since my beach meltdown/showdown, my sister has met, married and had children with a man of a different race, which completely sent my parents over the edge. I backed my sister up 100%, that they needed to stop with the comments about interracial couples and babies, etc. That even if my sister wasn't there I didn't want to hear it either or my children hear it and if they couldn't control or censor themselves we wouldn't be around them either.

If I was your sister and knew or saw my mom do that to you I would have stepped in in support of you.