Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

op, agree that you have a good emotional handle on this. I just want to underline that what this really exposes is your nephew's role within his own family. Please do what you can to make him feel included in your wedding--events earlier in the week or later, something. These events are important to families because of the symbolism of people being there or not, and because of a mistake the symbolism will be disrupted--so do what you can to counteract that by creating other symbols whereby nephew can know how important he is to you and that you accept whatever decision he makes.

signed, child of a stepfamily who has been on all sides of this wedding-as-symbol-of-where-you-are-in-the-family game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, I hope that it's the same few posters claiming missing a close relative's wedding for a sports tournament is ok. My kids are in elementary and I have close by nieces and nephews that are being recruited for D1 sports. No way would my SIL let a tournament take precedence over a wedding. If the kid is good enough to be a superstar post highschool, the coach won't care if he misses a tournament. If he's not, it doesn't matter in the larger scheme of life.

If the kid is a super-star, D1 recruitment material, then I agree it wouldn't matter much. Coaches at all levels make exceptions for kids like that.

But if, as OP has indicated, the kid is not a super-star? Missing the first games with the team could indeed have a major impact on the kid's team standing, which for kids whose end of the line sports goal is playing in high school, is a very big deal indeed. I highly doubt any of you who have made such dismissive comments about the sister and nephew have been in this precise situation. Even if you'd still end up sending the kid to the wedding, you'd have some empathy for the bad situation this puts the kid in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thing is ridiculous. 12 pages on this?? I don't see sports as more important than family. I grew up in a very close family and no way could I have missed an aunt's wedding.

+1 I can't believe there are people who are saying the commitment to a team trumps a commitment to your family. This explains to much about what is bad about our society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op, agree that you have a good emotional handle on this. I just want to underline that what this really exposes is your nephew's role within his own family. Please do what you can to make him feel included in your wedding--events earlier in the week or later, something. These events are important to families because of the symbolism of people being there or not, and because of a mistake the symbolism will be disrupted--so do what you can to counteract that by creating other symbols whereby nephew can know how important he is to you and that you accept whatever decision he makes.

signed, child of a stepfamily who has been on all sides of this wedding-as-symbol-of-where-you-are-in-the-family game.

Completely agree. Please be kind to him (sounds like you are), because what this has really done has shown him his value as compared to his sister's in the eyes of the family. Sports or not is less important than what he's learned about his own place in the family.

[Anonymous]

the important thing is that he honor your marriage and that he welcomes the new uncle into his family.

it is not important that he come to your party.

One could argue that it is only a game, or you could argue that it is only a wedding. You will still get married whether he is there or not...

The thing about team sports is that it is a TEAM thing and any one missing player lets everyone down. Yes, he can miss, but it certainly is the case that no one asked him when you set your date.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the mom would be doing the 14 year old a favor by, you know, being a parent and making the hard choice herself. The 14 year old needs support to overcome the unreasonable expectations of the sport, whether they are coming from the coach or from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence. I know that sports are important, the boy has been working hard for years, etc, but some things are more important and his close aunt's first wedding should be one of those things.

I was just going to say the exact same thing!

A funeral and a wedding are not the same thing.
Dead and married( which people can do multiple times)
Are not the same thing.
If you think they are, you are not too smart.

[Anonymous]

OMG!!!
Sometimes people cannot make it to your wedding!!!
It's your wedding, not your life!
Attendance at your wedding is not symbol of your entire relationship--- geez.
Some of you posters are cray, cray.
My DH favorite aunt and uncle could not co e to our weddi g do to a prior commitment. Should we write them off, say they are not committed to family? Should we have surveyed all of the "no" RSVP's to see if we approved of the reasons they were not coming???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next week, my 7yr old is going to miss her Aunt's wedding because she "made a commitment" to her rec basketball team. And I want to be sure she understands what commitment means. Her team mates need her and the coach expects here there.

Does it sound insane? Yeah, so does the 14yr old although you all keep talking about "commitment." It is total bullshit. The sister is teaching the kid to be selfish.

It actually is not the same thing and some of you are so "anti-sports" that you do not see it. Another PP asked whether people would feel different if was youth travel orchestra or youth ballet company. No one responded. [/quote

Nope, wouldn't miss the wedding for any of these things,,extracurriculars are not more important than a close family's members wedding, my kids play sports but I'm not delusional about the importance of sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you can believe in that sentiment and still think it is crazy not to attend the wedding. As a pp so nicely said, it's not about an attendance sheet, it's about sharing in your joys and sorrows with those closest to you. I would be disappointed if my nephew were not at my wedding, and as the sister it would be very important to me that my family and I be at my sister's wedding. Not because ai want to check some imaginary box, but because I'd want to share in her joy!

But in this scenario, your son doesn't want to go to the wedding at all. And if you make him go, he will be angry and disappointed. It won't be a joyous family scene at all.

By all means let what the 14-year-old wants to do run the family. God forbid a teenager should be angry because of a family obligation. What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, I wouldn't have missed a tournament for a family wedding either. I made a commitment to my team when I signed up and it would've been pretty unheard of for a player to miss a tournament. His schedule was set first and your wedding was set after. It was your sister's mistake. Also, he is just 14, but if he were even a little older, that tournament could be the difference between being recruited to play in college and not. I think it's important to teach kids the value of commitment. I do understand that family is important, but c'mon, it's not like he's missing the chance to say goodbye before you die, it's just your wedding.

This is nuts. Parent of multiple soccer players here, Varsity HS and beyond. If this one tournament (a high school not a club tournament, which means ZERO college coaches would be in attendance) makes the difference between the kid getting recruited or not, the kid isn't good enough. Trust me, the coaches know about the good kids and watch them for years.

Silly rationalization to make crazy sports parents feel better about their ludicrous choices.

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else struck by how the folks advocating letting the kid go to the tournament are by and large reasonable and respectful and folks on the other side keep shrilly calling us crazy and bad parents? I think I know whose kids I want my kids being around.

[Anonymous]

20:40, you are either a pot-stirrer or cray cray yourself. Op has set a great example for all on this thread of explaining her thoughts without getting overly dramatic or unreasonable or shrill. I have supported her position on this thread, but I think that most people on both sides of this debate have been respectful. Saying you don't agree doesn't mean you are being hysterical (actually, now that I think about it, you are probably a guy because that is a very typical male defense to an argument with a woman- as soon as she disagrees with him, she is hysterical and overly emotional).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the mom would be doing the 14 year old a favor by, you know, being a parent and making the hard choice herself. The 14 year old needs support to overcome the unreasonable expectations of the sport, whether they are coming from the coach or from her.

I'm indifferent to sports, but not to 14 year olds. What ever you think is right, the sad truth is, he's trying to be part of a team at a new school . He ditches, he could be burnt for the next 4 years. Sports jeep some Kids motivantes in School. Would I rather it not be set up this way? Of course. But I wouldn't slam a14 year old for my oversight. He'll suffer for that a lot longer than missing a wedding. None of this is his fault. Support the guy.

[Anonymous]

I am truly shocked that people think it's okay for a 14-year-old to miss his aunt's wedding for a high school soccer tournament! He is a FRESHMAN people - soccer teams are large and missing one tournament for an important family event is a no-brainer.