What is your deepest family secret?

[Anonymous]

#1-I think I was sexually abused by my stepfather. I only have recollection of dreams I had as a young child where a man would molest me while I was asleep. I've talked with my sister about this and she says she thinks she was abused too (she woke up once with no underwear on). During this time, my stepfather was addicted to drugs (crack). My mother has been told the general gist of what happened, but either doesn't believe us or is in denial. My stepdad and Mom are still together....it's never talked about...we pretend as if it didn't happen (except my sis and I will talk about it on very rare occassions). I don't know if my intuition is true or not....I prefer to just pretend it never happened (if it did).

#2-I was oversexed as a child (under 10). Use to hump my teddy bear, pillow, all sorts of stuff. I humped boys and my sister and I used to dry hump also. To my shame, when I was about 9 or 10 my sister and I once told a little girl that was staying with us, to put her mouth on my little brother's penis (he was about 6 at the time..so was she). To my even FURTHER shame, my sister and I once put a hot penny on this same little girl.

#3-I sometimes have really inappropriate thoughts and get aroused by things that are truly shameful. So much so, that I don't want to even write it here. I often cut my thoughts off or try to think of something else, but I'm truly ashamed by some of the sexual thoughts I have.....I feel I have a perverted mind....I'm thankful that I've never, AND WILL NEVER, act on these thoughts.

#2- One of my children has a different father. My husband knows this (we were young parents and weren't married until after the birth of this child). She doesn't know and I don't plan to tell her. Some family members know...if it ever comes to light, I plan to deny it to her......It may be selfish, but her bio-dad is a deadbeat w/ 10+ kids, so I know for a fact it is NOT her loss. And I wouldn't dream of having her feel different from her siblings and doubting her father's love (who ADORES her).

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP. Messed my numbering up...was gonna only post two things, then reconsidered.

[Anonymous]

12:03, there is a lot of shame going on in your post, and there should not be. Many people have perverted fantasies, which is actually HEALTHY, because it allows them to live out certain things without ever acting on them.

I experienced similar things to what you posted and realized I never thought to disclose them on this thread even though I already posted about other stuff! Research has shown that sexuality exists and is normal in children of all ages (read a sexual development book). I think many young children experience and act out all kinds of things, and as long as they do not hurt themselves or others, it is all part of harmless experimentation. The key point here that you have to teach your children is RESPECT for others, and the prohibition to hurt anyone.

As for your last point, I would absolutely tell my child of her origins, especially if others know (see feelings of betrayal earlier on this thread). The secret is bound to leak out! I would explain that your husband loves her, cares for her, and is thus her "real" father. No need to justify yourself or apologize for anything. Just let her know she is as beloved as all her siblings.

[Anonymous]

12:03 here. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

Re: my daughter. I know the right thing to do is to tell her. I'm terrified that she will feel different. She's young, entering puberty and is already so self-conscious about lots of things. She looks different from my other children, however luckily she looks a lot like my brother, so I say she takes after him. My main drawback to telling is that I think she will feel different, an outcast etc.. (we have children after her). When she's an adult, if it ever comes up, I will try to be brave and tell her...but as a child?...I just can't do it. I feel like it would harm..not help her. Thanks for your fb, though. Gave me something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Excuse my ignorance, but what is a hot penny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all forgiven for your family secrets! Let the great season of shamefulness be over!

Don't be facile. People are dealing with some real pain here.

I was attempting to be kind, not facile, in light of that "real pain." And I would suggest YOU stop being cynical about what motivates people.

Yes. Your kindness is just radiating in your response to me. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excuse my ignorance, but what is a hot penny?

I'm not the PP, but I presume she means it literally. Heating a penny until it is hot, then putting it on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:34- do you live in McLean? I swear most of the middle aged white guys I see in McLean (married or not, but especially the married ones) are so high strung they are gay. Flame all you want. But you will never see more gay guys in one place.

?

Weird comment.

[Anonymous]

It's so sad to hear about how many of us were sexually abused as children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad to hear about how many of us were sexually abused as children.

Almost universally by family members, I noticed. Whenever people get up in arms up about "stranger danger" and the possibility that posting pictures of one's children on facebook will enflame the pedophiles, I just want to scream at them. It's almost guaranteed that the perpetrator of eventual abuse of your kids is ALREADY in your life. Parents should look at the facts, and focus their energies in the right place.

[Anonymous]

13:23 -- please be less vague so we know the appropriate measures to take. How can we protect our kids? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad to hear about how many of us were sexually abused as children.

Almost universally by family members, I noticed. Whenever people get up in arms up about "stranger danger" and the possibility that posting pictures of one's children on facebook will enflame the pedophiles, I just want to scream at them. It's almost guaranteed that the perpetrator of eventual abuse of your kids is ALREADY in your life. Parents should look at the facts, and focus their energies in the right place.

True. It's also alarming how many mothers don't believe their daughters. Fucking do something!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad to hear about how many of us were sexually abused as children.

Almost universally by family members, I noticed. Whenever people get up in arms up about "stranger danger" and the possibility that posting pictures of one's children on facebook will enflame the pedophiles, I just want to scream at them. It's almost guaranteed that the perpetrator of eventual abuse of your kids is ALREADY in your life. Parents should look at the facts, and focus their energies in the right place.

True. It's also alarming how many mothers don't believe their daughters. Fucking do something!!!

If DD told me that a family member was touching her inappropriately you can be sure I will do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad to hear about how many of us were sexually abused as children.

Almost universally by family members, I noticed. Whenever people get up in arms up about "stranger danger" and the possibility that posting pictures of one's children on facebook will enflame the pedophiles, I just want to scream at them. It's almost guaranteed that the perpetrator of eventual abuse of your kids is ALREADY in your life. Parents should look at the facts, and focus their energies in the right place.

True. It's also alarming how many mothers don't believe their daughters. Fucking do something!!!

If DD told me that a family member was touching her inappropriately you can be sure I will do something about it.

This is a very interesting point. What do you think it is that makes these moms keep quiet? Why do they feel shame?

When I was about 19 or 20, I had 3 separate occasions of flashers (one very scary in a multi-storey carpark - he followed me for quite some time and showed his wears several times) and one phone stalker who eventually threatened to "get me". I lived with my mom at the time. She behaved as if this was kind of normal and as if I was bringing it on myself by, perhaps, dressing provocatively or something. I vowed that I would call the police immediately if my DD at any age told me she experienced something like that. My mom never even suggested reporting the incidences. But what interests me the most now is how she was thinking. I can't really bear to ask her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:23 -- please be less vague so we know the appropriate measures to take. How can we protect our kids? Thank you.

I dunno. But I'm pretty sure that a lot of energies are misdirected.

As a PP just noted, LISTENING to your kids is huge. If your child doesn't like Uncle Gary, don't make her play with him just because he seems to love kids so much. If you have knowledge or even suspicion of any prior misdeeds, watch your kid like a hawk around that person. I find that it's not black and white; that sometimes we might not be sure enough of our suspicions to rock the family boat with an accusation, but we can still be vigilant. And of course talk talk talk to your child about what is appropriate and what is not. It's so easy for children to convince one another of something, where the parents have left an information vacuum. Make sure your kid knows that no one is allowed to touch him without mom/dad in the room; that she won't get in trouble for "telling" after the fact; that anything that makes her uncomfortable is NOT "normal"; that he has the final say about his body. Etc. Perhaps victims of molestation could tell us how the adult in their life got away with it-- what was said or done to make the child submit-- and that would help other parents formulate the lessons to help their children protect themselves.