asking for money for hosting teens tacky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

That’s exactly what I said I’m doing. If they want to go buy lobsters and cook them I’m happy to tell them where to find the seafood store. I think it’s great that they’re already planning meals for themselves and don’t think anyone is expecting I’ll buy them lobster - but I’m asking DS to make sure that’s clear from the start because teen boys can be clueless (and I’m also not asking parents to shell out $$$$ for lobster).

At this age it’s interesting because as others have said, it’s kind of borderline between “a group trip planned by friends” and something parents host. My strategy is to let them make it mostly the former with age-appropriate guard rails (and calories). So the boys are planning it, but I’ll reach out to parents and let them know the basic deal and level of supervision they can expect, give my son guidelines and support to plan things like food and activities with his friends, and set ground rules and expectations with the kids when they arrive (cleaning up after themselves and respecting the house, no drugs/alcohol, driving rules, etc) and we’ll make sure they’re following them during the week.

It’s not a family vacation. It’s a chance for them to have a great time with friends, us to get to know them all, and my son (and his friends) to practice some adulting.

No, this is parenting. My kids would not to ask or demand it and know when they go out with friends whose parents pay to get one of the cheaper menu options. I would not say to kids, if you buy the lobster, I'll cook it. This is what we are serving, if you have objections, you can have a sandwich, cereal, etc. Done. You take into account dietary preferences and allergies and cater to that but not $$$ meals.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I would call it “tacky” but I do think if you’re going to ask someone to pay, you need to tell them when you invite. The only clear breach of etiquette here imo is inviting someone and then LATER telling/asking them to contribute $X.

If my kid were invited to this I would send her with money and instructions to offer to take everyone out to eat at least once and/or do a grocery run. I would be…well, not quite taken aback by a straight request, and I would just send it immediately, but I do think doing it after you invite is not ideal.

Did OP invite or did the boys make the plan and the son said "hey, what do you think if the 7 of us go to the beach house for a week..."

It sounds like the later..? Although it’s unclear. If the later, it’s fine to ask.

The only way it’s tacky is if a family decides to invite a bunch of kids to their vacation home and then asks parent to contribute. That would be weird.

Nuance matters!

Even if the son organized it, there’s a moment when the owners of the house make it an official invite and that’s the last time you can ask people to chip in. You can say “that sounds great, Bobby! Make sure all the parents are on board and everyone is okay with contributing $100 for groceries.” You can’t say “that sounds great, Bobby!” and then a month later send Venmo requests.

I mean you can, but it’s less polite.

Are you sure? There doesn't have to be an "official invite" this can all be organized by the kids. My younger teen goes on a group trip every year and there is nothing official about it at all. The dads are friends and coordinate the logistics and that's about it.

Yeah there is, it’s not about the stationary but there’s a point when the owners (parents) say it’s okay and that’s when you need to communicate any expected $.

This can all go through the 17yr olds. The parents don’t even need to talk at all. The kids should just ask his friends for money.

You’re nuts. I wouldn’t send my kid on a 5 day beach vacation with another family without even talking to the parents. Wow.

Because your kid is about 8. At 17 i would have driven myself with friends and there probably wouldn’t even be parents there. A 17 yr old is capable of handling this without you.

Here’s the ultimate checked out parent. That would be a hard no for me.

Helicopter parenting will just set your kid up for failure... reaching out to the hosts is fine, but thats about it... My friends and I did all kinds of overnight trips on our own and survived - and thived, learning to take care of things without mommy is important

Stay blessed. You live a charmed life.

Why are your kids so untrustworthy? You failed them.

Not the kids untrustworthy. Stay charmed.

It's ok if your kid isn't mature enough to handle it. Some are late bloomers.

I trust my kids and they tell me most things, it's the other parents I don't trust as I work/worked in a field where I saw the worst of the worst in terms of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

That’s exactly what I said I’m doing. If they want to go buy lobsters and cook them I’m happy to tell them where to find the seafood store. I think it’s great that they’re already planning meals for themselves and don’t think anyone is expecting I’ll buy them lobster - but I’m asking DS to make sure that’s clear from the start because teen boys can be clueless (and I’m also not asking parents to shell out $$$$ for lobster).

At this age it’s interesting because as others have said, it’s kind of borderline between “a group trip planned by friends” and something parents host. My strategy is to let them make it mostly the former with age-appropriate guard rails (and calories). So the boys are planning it, but I’ll reach out to parents and let them know the basic deal and level of supervision they can expect, give my son guidelines and support to plan things like food and activities with his friends, and set ground rules and expectations with the kids when they arrive (cleaning up after themselves and respecting the house, no drugs/alcohol, driving rules, etc) and we’ll make sure they’re following them during the week.

It’s not a family vacation. It’s a chance for them to have a great time with friends, us to get to know them all, and my son (and his friends) to practice some adulting.

No, this is parenting. My kids would not to ask or demand it and know when they go out with friends whose parents pay to get one of the cheaper menu options. I would not say to kids, if you buy the lobster, I'll cook it. This is what we are serving, if you have objections, you can have a sandwich, cereal, etc. Done. You take into account dietary preferences and allergies and cater to that but not $$$ meals.

I would think 17 yr olds have experience going to a restaurant and paying for their meals by splitting the bill. Or going to a store and bringing home what they want to eat. OP is just suggesting she would help with some basic cooking but the kids are going to have to fend for themselves to some degree.

[Anonymous]

Are they guests?

If so, yes, tacky to ask for money.

But, those parents should be offering up front, what can we send our teen with? Can we send/give you money.

If I had a beach house and could host friends, I would. I would not proactively charge anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

That’s exactly what I said I’m doing. If they want to go buy lobsters and cook them I’m happy to tell them where to find the seafood store. I think it’s great that they’re already planning meals for themselves and don’t think anyone is expecting I’ll buy them lobster - but I’m asking DS to make sure that’s clear from the start because teen boys can be clueless (and I’m also not asking parents to shell out $$$$ for lobster).

At this age it’s interesting because as others have said, it’s kind of borderline between “a group trip planned by friends” and something parents host. My strategy is to let them make it mostly the former with age-appropriate guard rails (and calories). So the boys are planning it, but I’ll reach out to parents and let them know the basic deal and level of supervision they can expect, give my son guidelines and support to plan things like food and activities with his friends, and set ground rules and expectations with the kids when they arrive (cleaning up after themselves and respecting the house, no drugs/alcohol, driving rules, etc) and we’ll make sure they’re following them during the week.

It’s not a family vacation. It’s a chance for them to have a great time with friends, us to get to know them all, and my son (and his friends) to practice some adulting.

No, this is parenting. My kids would not to ask or demand it and know when they go out with friends whose parents pay to get one of the cheaper menu options. I would not say to kids, if you buy the lobster, I'll cook it. This is what we are serving, if you have objections, you can have a sandwich, cereal, etc. Done. You take into account dietary preferences and allergies and cater to that but not $$$ meals.

I would think 17 yr olds have experience going to a restaurant and paying for their meals by splitting the bill. Or going to a store and bringing home what they want to eat. OP is just suggesting she would help with some basic cooking but the kids are going to have to fend for themselves to some degree.

Yup. I'm not even cooking the darn lobsters! The kids have grand plans for a lobster bake. They think it will be fun. I will think teens planning a lobster bake is a good wholesome activity. And I think teens realizing how much lobsters costs and deciding whether or not to spend their money on it is a learning opportunity. Nobody is demanding anything. I'm just there to answer their questions, direct them to the store, and teach them how to grab them by the tails and not splash boiling water on themselves when they drop them into the pot. (But I'm also a nice mom, so I'll also happily make some pancakes and stock the fridge with taco meat). And yeah, my own kid knows not to order lobster when someone else is footing the bill (including me!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's tacky. But the way this is supposed to work is: 1) the other kids' parents insist on contributing, 2) you politely decline, and then 3) they venmo you a modest sum anyways.

I hate this game.

You either decline, and mean it. Or, graciously accept a dollar amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they guests?

If so, yes, tacky to ask for money.

But, those parents should be offering up front, what can we send our teen with? Can we send/give you money.

If I had a beach house and could host friends, I would. I would not proactively charge anyone.

They appear to be guests of the son. So let the money talk go through him to his guests. It's not like he has a job and can afford to feed them all week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's tacky. But the way this is supposed to work is: 1) the other kids' parents insist on contributing, 2) you politely decline, and then 3) they venmo you a modest sum anyways.

I hate this game.

You either decline, and mean it. Or, graciously accept a dollar amount.

+1. They insist, you graciously accept unless you are loaded and host people in this manner regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

They sound like spoiled rich white kids honestly. Going to a friend’s beach house is typical white privilege.

Angry much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they guests?

If so, yes, tacky to ask for money.

But, those parents should be offering up front, what can we send our teen with? Can we send/give you money.

If I had a beach house and could host friends, I would. I would not proactively charge anyone.

They appear to be guests of the son. So let the money talk go through him to his guests. It's not like he has a job and can afford to feed them all week.

Perhaps, but these are minors and OP and husband are supervising. I would pay for normal meals and household supplies for the stay and expect them to come up as a group for extras like lobster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they guests?

If so, yes, tacky to ask for money.

But, those parents should be offering up front, what can we send our teen with? Can we send/give you money.

If I had a beach house and could host friends, I would. I would not proactively charge anyone.

They appear to be guests of the son. So let the money talk go through him to his guests. It's not like he has a job and can afford to feed them all week.

Perhaps, but these are minors and OP and husband are supervising. I would pay for normal meals and household supplies for the stay and expect them to come up as a group for extras like lobster.

Do you often have a group of 17yr olds at your beach house or is this just a super hypothetical for your 6yr old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they guests?

If so, yes, tacky to ask for money.

But, those parents should be offering up front, what can we send our teen with? Can we send/give you money.

If I had a beach house and could host friends, I would. I would not proactively charge anyone.

They appear to be guests of the son. So let the money talk go through him to his guests. It's not like he has a job and can afford to feed them all week.

Perhaps, but these are minors and OP and husband are supervising. I would pay for normal meals and household supplies for the stay and expect them to come up as a group for extras like lobster.

Do you often have a group of 17yr olds at your beach house or is this just a super hypothetical for your 6yr old?

Is this OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty tacky. On the other hand, if I were one of the teens' parents, I would have proactively asked for your Venmo and insisted on sending a contribution.

Same, I find it extremely tasteless and tacky to not acknowledge said contribution or a gift in kind…but DMV does what DMV must do.

[Anonymous]

I feel like if you have a beach house that can fit that many people, yeah, asking would be really tacky. But as a parent I would offer.

[Anonymous]

Good god, no. I also think it’s awkward when kids or their parents offer me money when I’m hosting them. If I’m hosting, I’m paying.