asking for money for hosting teens tacky?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I would call it “tacky” but I do think if you’re going to ask someone to pay, you need to tell them when you invite. The only clear breach of etiquette here imo is inviting someone and then LATER telling/asking them to contribute $X.

If my kid were invited to this I would send her with money and instructions to offer to take everyone out to eat at least once and/or do a grocery run. I would be…well, not quite taken aback by a straight request, and I would just send it immediately, but I do think doing it after you invite is not ideal.

Did OP invite or did the boys make the plan and the son said "hey, what do you think if the 7 of us go to the beach house for a week..."

It sounds like the later..? Although it’s unclear. If the later, it’s fine to ask.

The only way it’s tacky is if a family decides to invite a bunch of kids to their vacation home and then asks parent to contribute. That would be weird.

Nuance matters!

Even if the son organized it, there’s a moment when the owners of the house make it an official invite and that’s the last time you can ask people to chip in. You can say “that sounds great, Bobby! Make sure all the parents are on board and everyone is okay with contributing $100 for groceries.” You can’t say “that sounds great, Bobby!” and then a month later send Venmo requests.

I mean you can, but it’s less polite.

Are you sure? There doesn't have to be an "official invite" this can all be organized by the kids. My younger teen goes on a group trip every year and there is nothing official about it at all. The dads are friends and coordinate the logistics and that's about it.

Yeah there is, it’s not about the stationary but there’s a point when the owners (parents) say it’s okay and that’s when you need to communicate any expected $.

This can all go through the 17yr olds. The parents don’t even need to talk at all. The kids should just ask his friends for money.

You’re nuts. I wouldn’t send my kid on a 5 day beach vacation with another family without even talking to the parents. Wow.

Because your kid is about 8. At 17 i would have driven myself with friends and there probably wouldn’t even be parents there. A 17 yr old is capable of handling this without you.

Here’s the ultimate checked out parent. That would be a hard no for me.

Helicopter parenting will just set your kid up for failure... reaching out to the hosts is fine, but thats about it... My friends and I did all kinds of overnight trips on our own and survived - and thived, learning to take care of things without mommy is important

Stay blessed. You live a charmed life.

Why are your kids so untrustworthy? You failed them.

[Anonymous]

I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I would call it “tacky” but I do think if you’re going to ask someone to pay, you need to tell them when you invite. The only clear breach of etiquette here imo is inviting someone and then LATER telling/asking them to contribute $X.

If my kid were invited to this I would send her with money and instructions to offer to take everyone out to eat at least once and/or do a grocery run. I would be…well, not quite taken aback by a straight request, and I would just send it immediately, but I do think doing it after you invite is not ideal.

Did OP invite or did the boys make the plan and the son said "hey, what do you think if the 7 of us go to the beach house for a week..."

It sounds like the later..? Although it’s unclear. If the later, it’s fine to ask.

The only way it’s tacky is if a family decides to invite a bunch of kids to their vacation home and then asks parent to contribute. That would be weird.

Nuance matters!

Even if the son organized it, there’s a moment when the owners of the house make it an official invite and that’s the last time you can ask people to chip in. You can say “that sounds great, Bobby! Make sure all the parents are on board and everyone is okay with contributing $100 for groceries.” You can’t say “that sounds great, Bobby!” and then a month later send Venmo requests.

I mean you can, but it’s less polite.

Are you sure? There doesn't have to be an "official invite" this can all be organized by the kids. My younger teen goes on a group trip every year and there is nothing official about it at all. The dads are friends and coordinate the logistics and that's about it.

Yeah there is, it’s not about the stationary but there’s a point when the owners (parents) say it’s okay and that’s when you need to communicate any expected $.

This can all go through the 17yr olds. The parents don’t even need to talk at all. The kids should just ask his friends for money.

You’re nuts. I wouldn’t send my kid on a 5 day beach vacation with another family without even talking to the parents. Wow.

Because your kid is about 8. At 17 i would have driven myself with friends and there probably wouldn’t even be parents there. A 17 yr old is capable of handling this without you.

Here’s the ultimate checked out parent. That would be a hard no for me.

Helicopter parenting will just set your kid up for failure... reaching out to the hosts is fine, but thats about it... My friends and I did all kinds of overnight trips on our own and survived - and thived, learning to take care of things without mommy is important

Stay blessed. You live a charmed life.

Why are your kids so untrustworthy? You failed them.

Not the kids untrustworthy. Stay charmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I would call it “tacky” but I do think if you’re going to ask someone to pay, you need to tell them when you invite. The only clear breach of etiquette here imo is inviting someone and then LATER telling/asking them to contribute $X.

If my kid were invited to this I would send her with money and instructions to offer to take everyone out to eat at least once and/or do a grocery run. I would be…well, not quite taken aback by a straight request, and I would just send it immediately, but I do think doing it after you invite is not ideal.

Did OP invite or did the boys make the plan and the son said "hey, what do you think if the 7 of us go to the beach house for a week..."

It sounds like the later..? Although it’s unclear. If the later, it’s fine to ask.

The only way it’s tacky is if a family decides to invite a bunch of kids to their vacation home and then asks parent to contribute. That would be weird.

Nuance matters!

Even if the son organized it, there’s a moment when the owners of the house make it an official invite and that’s the last time you can ask people to chip in. You can say “that sounds great, Bobby! Make sure all the parents are on board and everyone is okay with contributing $100 for groceries.” You can’t say “that sounds great, Bobby!” and then a month later send Venmo requests.

I mean you can, but it’s less polite.

Are you sure? There doesn't have to be an "official invite" this can all be organized by the kids. My younger teen goes on a group trip every year and there is nothing official about it at all. The dads are friends and coordinate the logistics and that's about it.

Yeah there is, it’s not about the stationary but there’s a point when the owners (parents) say it’s okay and that’s when you need to communicate any expected $.

This can all go through the 17yr olds. The parents don’t even need to talk at all. The kids should just ask his friends for money.

You’re nuts. I wouldn’t send my kid on a 5 day beach vacation with another family without even talking to the parents. Wow.

Agree, but I wouldn’t except if I knew them super well.

Agree. I’d want to know what kind of supervision they would have. And my kids are 16 and 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

They sound like spoiled rich white kids honestly. Going to a friend’s beach house is typical white privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

That’s exactly what I said I’m doing. If they want to go buy lobsters and cook them I’m happy to tell them where to find the seafood store. I think it’s great that they’re already planning meals for themselves and don’t think anyone is expecting I’ll buy them lobster - but I’m asking DS to make sure that’s clear from the start because teen boys can be clueless (and I’m also not asking parents to shell out $$$$ for lobster).

At this age it’s interesting because as others have said, it’s kind of borderline between “a group trip planned by friends” and something parents host. My strategy is to let them make it mostly the former with age-appropriate guard rails (and calories). So the boys are planning it, but I’ll reach out to parents and let them know the basic deal and level of supervision they can expect, give my son guidelines and support to plan things like food and activities with his friends, and set ground rules and expectations with the kids when they arrive (cleaning up after themselves and respecting the house, no drugs/alcohol, driving rules, etc) and we’ll make sure they’re following them during the week.

It’s not a family vacation. It’s a chance for them to have a great time with friends, us to get to know them all, and my son (and his friends) to practice some adulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty tacky. On the other hand, if I were one of the teens' parents, I would have proactively asked for your Venmo and insisted on sending a contribution.

This is how i feel. I'd never ask. But, if I were a parent of a teen guest, I would have asked you about sending money or sending food.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Tacky to ask. But we also have a similar set up and every time, the friend has arrived with money that their parents have told them to give us. As well as spending money.

Like, how much money do the kids give you?

I seriously want to know what the etiquette is and how much to send with my kid who is likely to get these invites as she gets closer to high school.

"As she gets closer to high school?" You really don't need to be sweating this years in advance on the off chance some friend will take her to a beach house for several days.

I wouldn’t allow it. You don’t know the parents or how much supervision these kids will have. Alcohol could be a factor. No way.

Good lord. 17 year olds go to college. Get a grip.

No, they go to college at 18 and alcohol and the beach means potential drowning. Not smart.

I went to college at age 17 (skipped a grade). My high school friends and I—a group of 8 girls—organized an entire week at the beach without a single parent involved. Did all the planning, shopping, packing, everything.

Now I have a 17 year old about to graduate from high school. To be honest, I’ve been way more involved in her teen life than my parents ever were in mine. But even she and her friends are planning both a beach trip in a few weeks with zero input or assistance from parents. I’ve never met the parents who own the beach house and I’m totally fine with that. I don’t even know if they’ll be at the house, and I’m fine with that, too. I trust my kid and I know her friends and that’s enough for me. (I will pony up money, though.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

They sound like spoiled rich white kids honestly. Going to a friend’s beach house is typical white privilege.

You mean people spending their money as they see fit without seeking your validation? Oh no!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I would call it “tacky” but I do think if you’re going to ask someone to pay, you need to tell them when you invite. The only clear breach of etiquette here imo is inviting someone and then LATER telling/asking them to contribute $X.

If my kid were invited to this I would send her with money and instructions to offer to take everyone out to eat at least once and/or do a grocery run. I would be…well, not quite taken aback by a straight request, and I would just send it immediately, but I do think doing it after you invite is not ideal.

Did OP invite or did the boys make the plan and the son said "hey, what do you think if the 7 of us go to the beach house for a week..."

It sounds like the later..? Although it’s unclear. If the later, it’s fine to ask.

The only way it’s tacky is if a family decides to invite a bunch of kids to their vacation home and then asks parent to contribute. That would be weird.

Nuance matters!

Even if the son organized it, there’s a moment when the owners of the house make it an official invite and that’s the last time you can ask people to chip in. You can say “that sounds great, Bobby! Make sure all the parents are on board and everyone is okay with contributing $100 for groceries.” You can’t say “that sounds great, Bobby!” and then a month later send Venmo requests.

I mean you can, but it’s less polite.

Are you sure? There doesn't have to be an "official invite" this can all be organized by the kids. My younger teen goes on a group trip every year and there is nothing official about it at all. The dads are friends and coordinate the logistics and that's about it.

Yeah there is, it’s not about the stationary but there’s a point when the owners (parents) say it’s okay and that’s when you need to communicate any expected $.

This can all go through the 17yr olds. The parents don’t even need to talk at all. The kids should just ask his friends for money.

You’re nuts. I wouldn’t send my kid on a 5 day beach vacation with another family without even talking to the parents. Wow.

Because your kid is about 8. At 17 i would have driven myself with friends and there probably wouldn’t even be parents there. A 17 yr old is capable of handling this without you.

Here’s the ultimate checked out parent. That would be a hard no for me.

Helicopter parenting will just set your kid up for failure... reaching out to the hosts is fine, but thats about it... My friends and I did all kinds of overnight trips on our own and survived - and thived, learning to take care of things without mommy is important

Stay blessed. You live a charmed life.

Why are your kids so untrustworthy? You failed them.

Not the kids untrustworthy. Stay charmed.

It's ok if your kid isn't mature enough to handle it. Some are late bloomers.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's tacky. But the way this is supposed to work is: 1) the other kids' parents insist on contributing, 2) you politely decline, and then 3) they venmo you a modest sum anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not tacky. Cooking for 10 people, guests and your family, takes a lot of time and money. I’d expect everyone to help, with money and effort.

You can send an email to all the parents saying you’ll have eat at a restaurant once a day which they’ll need money for, what kind of entertaining budget is needed, and ask for a meals contribution, I’d think $250 is reasonable.

Just because you invited someone to your beach house is not an excuse for freeloading and an all expenses paid vacation, it only means you’ll provide rooms. If parents don’t have the decency to offer, it’s ok to remind them, and they are free to excuse their teen out of the whole trip.

I agree with this whole heartedly. We have a pool and host regular drop off pool parties for older ES kids. No parents ever contribute anything or even offer to unless I explicitly state that they need to. People in this area are so entitled. Like heating the pool and buying pizza and drinks for the kids adds up!!! Especially when we do it almost weekly. We love hosting AND expect people to contribute in some way. It's not a lot to ask!!

Completely disagree. I host a lot and almost everyone asks what they can bring. I tell them just themselves but some inevitably bring a hostess gift or a bottle of wine. Always appreciated but never expected.

Ok so? That’s your prerogative to host however you like. Other people want to receive a contribution towards the food. Nobody cares what you think is tacky and don’t send your kids if you object to that.

You’re not better than the other person who can’t afford to cover the meals of 7 other kids, but nonetheless still offers her house to host them. The fact that you invited a kid over to a restaurant half a year ago has no bearing on anything.

You seem to have both anger issues and a lack of reading comprehension. I’ll pray for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hosting an almost identical trip this summer. Food costs for seven 17-18 year old athletes for 6 days are no joke! (And I’m no I’m not rich - I just have family house I can get free access to for the week). The kids are already talking about the lobster boil they want to have and the steaks they want to grill…

My plan was to tell my kid to tell his friends that I’m going to stock up on basic food but they should bring cash if they want to go out or buy fancy food to cook. If parents want to Venmo me something that would certainly be appreciated but I’m not going to ask.

You cook basic food and if they don’t like it too bad. That’s crazy to expect those things.

They sound like spoiled rich white kids honestly. Going to a friend’s beach house is typical white privilege.

Enough with white privilege non-sense. So, if a minority has a beach house and kids go its ok, but not white kids. These are spoiled kids but that's on their parents not their race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's tacky. But the way this is supposed to work is: 1) the other kids' parents insist on contributing, 2) you politely decline, and then 3) they venmo you a modest sum anyways.

If you decline, you don't get venmo money.