Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

Your FILs "stinginess" is not for you to decide. He's a self-made man compared to you, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. You have no idea what it took for your FIL to reach his 8-figure wealth. I personally came to the US with one suitcase and have plenty of wealth now as well as a doctorate degree. There's no way in hell I'd be paying for my adult kids' vacations and meals. I already gave them plenty of opportunities by coming here and living in poverty at the beginning of my studies and career. If I have any money left over at the end of my life, I intend to donate it to trusts that I establish in my home country for smart students there. I'd not paying for the likes of you to stuff your face.

Your FIL is not asking you for money for HIM. He's expecting you to pay your own share, which you should do, as an adult. What is embarrassing is you expecting your spouse's father to pay for your vacations and meals. Also, if you only work 0.8 FTE, this 0.2 FTE is a lot of money for a doctor, so you are subsidizing your own family (which you're entitled to). Hopefully you're not putting people's names on publications who have contributed nothing, it's already painful to referee current "research" as it is (maybe that's the reason).

OP here. I am utterly unbothered by your “silver spoon” comment. I immensely proud of my grandparents and parents hard work. I am proud of my own hard work currently as well as in medical school and residency. I look forward to sharing my success with my children and grandchildren and would love it if they were even more privileged than me!

As my family enjoys wonderful trips together, dinners, and enjoying life together you will deny your own family that pleasure. My family will only continue to grow more prosperous as yours withers because you apparently have a chip on your shoulder over the fact your kids had an easier life. What a shame for you. I am so thankful that my parents and grandparents are nothing like you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

Your FILs "stinginess" is not for you to decide. He's a self-made man compared to you, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. You have no idea what it took for your FIL to reach his 8-figure wealth. I personally came to the US with one suitcase and have plenty of wealth now as well as a doctorate degree. There's no way in hell I'd be paying for my adult kids' vacations and meals. I already gave them plenty of opportunities by coming here and living in poverty at the beginning of my studies and career. If I have any money left over at the end of my life, I intend to donate it to trusts that I establish in my home country for smart students there. I'd not paying for the likes of you to stuff your face.

Your FIL is not asking you for money for HIM. He's expecting you to pay your own share, which you should do, as an adult. What is embarrassing is you expecting your spouse's father to pay for your vacations and meals. Also, if you only work 0.8 FTE, this 0.2 FTE is a lot of money for a doctor, so you are subsidizing your own family (which you're entitled to). Hopefully you're not putting people's names on publications who have contributed nothing, it's already painful to referee current "research" as it is (maybe that's the reason).

OP here. I am utterly unbothered by your “silver spoon” comment. I immensely proud of my grandparents and parents hard work. I am proud of my own hard work currently as well as in medical school and residency. I look forward to sharing my success with my children and grandchildren and would love it if they were even more privileged than me!

As my family enjoys wonderful trips together, dinners, and enjoying life together you will deny your own family that pleasure. My family will only continue to grow more prosperous as yours withers because you apparently have a chip on your shoulder over the fact your kids had an easier life. What a shame for you. I am so thankful that my parents and grandparents are nothing like you!

There's something off with you. This is not how normal people think or talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

Are you a bot or someone whose first language isn't English?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

Your FILs "stinginess" is not for you to decide. He's a self-made man compared to you, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. You have no idea what it took for your FIL to reach his 8-figure wealth. I personally came to the US with one suitcase and have plenty of wealth now as well as a doctorate degree. There's no way in hell I'd be paying for my adult kids' vacations and meals. I already gave them plenty of opportunities by coming here and living in poverty at the beginning of my studies and career. If I have any money left over at the end of my life, I intend to donate it to trusts that I establish in my home country for smart students there. I'd not paying for the likes of you to stuff your face.

Your FIL is not asking you for money for HIM. He's expecting you to pay your own share, which you should do, as an adult. What is embarrassing is you expecting your spouse's father to pay for your vacations and meals. Also, if you only work 0.8 FTE, this 0.2 FTE is a lot of money for a doctor, so you are subsidizing your own family (which you're entitled to). Hopefully you're not putting people's names on publications who have contributed nothing, it's already painful to referee current "research" as it is (maybe that's the reason).

OP here. I am utterly unbothered by your “silver spoon” comment. I immensely proud of my grandparents and parents hard work. I am proud of my own hard work currently as well as in medical school and residency. I look forward to sharing my success with my children and grandchildren and would love it if they were even more privileged than me!

As my family enjoys wonderful trips together, dinners, and enjoying life together you will deny your own family that pleasure. My family will only continue to grow more prosperous as yours withers because you apparently have a chip on your shoulder over the fact your kids had an easier life. What a shame for you. I am so thankful that my parents and grandparents are nothing like you!

You sound childish and immature. I'm sorry for you.

Looks like your family is not enjoying anything as it's you who's complaining here that your FIL is not paying for your expenses.

I don't have a chip on my shoulder at all. You don't understand what I sacrificed in order for my kids to have an easier life. My children are gifted and I have no doubt they'll excel, and they already have. I'll make sure they'll not marry the likes of you.

I'm proud of my own hard work and it didn't require someone to put my name on the publications. My publications are my own. I've been to places that most people will never be and done things that most people will never do. I know how to manage. My parents and grandparents were not as lucky as me because of wars; they worked hard, but it was all destroyed. You'll never know what will happen down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

Your FILs "stinginess" is not for you to decide. He's a self-made man compared to you, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. You have no idea what it took for your FIL to reach his 8-figure wealth. I personally came to the US with one suitcase and have plenty of wealth now as well as a doctorate degree. There's no way in hell I'd be paying for my adult kids' vacations and meals. I already gave them plenty of opportunities by coming here and living in poverty at the beginning of my studies and career. If I have any money left over at the end of my life, I intend to donate it to trusts that I establish in my home country for smart students there. I'd not paying for the likes of you to stuff your face.

Your FIL is not asking you for money for HIM. He's expecting you to pay your own share, which you should do, as an adult. What is embarrassing is you expecting your spouse's father to pay for your vacations and meals. Also, if you only work 0.8 FTE, this 0.2 FTE is a lot of money for a doctor, so you are subsidizing your own family (which you're entitled to). Hopefully you're not putting people's names on publications who have contributed nothing, it's already painful to referee current "research" as it is (maybe that's the reason).

This was a read sir 🔥

[Anonymous]

My FIL takes the loan repayment money and puts it into a trust to give back to his daughter and her future kids, but not OP, since he's not a blood relative. Saying this because I once borrowed money from the family trust for a house down payment, and the interest payments went back to the family trust, of which I am a beneficiary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL takes the loan repayment money and puts it into a trust to give back to his daughter and her future kids, but not OP, since he's not a blood relative. Saying this because I once borrowed money from the family trust for a house down payment, and the interest payments went back to the family trust, of which I am a beneficiary.

*Maybe FIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

This is a good point about FIL. A lot of people with backgrounds like his have cash now but may not have retirement secured and have decent medical. That is where a lot of blue collar wealthy get in trouble.

Then OP should be willing to pay the debt owed and not expect the FIL to pay for their expensive vacations and dinners.

FIL probably thinks he worked hard to build his wealth and would like to enjoy it, and since the daughter is married to a rich man who seems to be willing to share his wealth with his side of the family, he should also be willing to share his wealth with his wife's side of the family via dinners and holidays. Or are her side of the family not considered "family"?

If you read OP post carefully you’ll notice he doesn’t share wealth with extended family, he plans to share it with his children and grandchildren. He points out that he helps manage elderly relatives housing, medical or helps secure internships and research for nieces and nephews not that he is paying for them. This is classic WASP where money flows downward not upward. My mother would be beside herself if she knew how often MIL stuck us with the bill, gave her DS nothing yet expects stuff from him despite her now sitting on money. I don’t say anything because my mother would forever think DHs extended family are a bunch of trashy grifters. DH and I agree that they kind of are low class in their behavior similar to OPs FIL.

Advice to OP. Draw boundaries where money never comes up! Do not let them maneuver you into spending money that you don’t wish to spend. Never invest with them and avoid taking gifts or money though this will probably never be offered. Don’t expect anything from them.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe anyone can possibly agree with OP. It’s clear that the wife was paying her father back because there previously were payments to be stopped. However, OP and his wife decided she would stop having an income, which their decision to make, but OP refused to accept one of the results of that decision which is that he would need to foot all of his wife’s bills, which includes the one to her parents, whether he likes it or not. Instead he decided her father didn’t deserve to be paid back, so he just wouldn’t. His FIL is not choosing not to cut off his daughter over this but is upset.

OP sounds like a physician with a god complex who enjoys having his wife dependent on him so he can call the shots and force his own agenda based on how he views her family. He clearly enjoys feeling like a benefactor and still doesn’t understand that it’s easy to be generous when you have a ton of money and resources and have never had to struggle.

The father in law sounds like an interesting person who has done a lot with very little. I am not going to make the same decisions but I have a lot of respect for someone who likely really hustled and sacrificed in a way OP will probably never understand.

[Anonymous]

I'm part of a money flows downward, pay it forward family, but suspect we aren't getting the whole story from OP.

His parents bought him a house. Is wife on the deed? Is there a prenup? Does the wife have any money of her own, now she doesn't work. How does wife feel about not paying back the loan?

Who paid for the wedding and how much did it cost?

In some pay it forward families, the family would pay this debt. Did OP's parents discuss that with him?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine nickel-and-diming family like this? Who thinks this way? Anyway, given that you seem to think this was, consider paying a more than what you think your share should be as paying back the loans you don't think your wife should have to pay. My guess is that the math is in your favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

This is a good point about FIL. A lot of people with backgrounds like his have cash now but may not have retirement secured and have decent medical. That is where a lot of blue collar wealthy get in trouble.

Then OP should be willing to pay the debt owed and not expect the FIL to pay for their expensive vacations and dinners.

FIL probably thinks he worked hard to build his wealth and would like to enjoy it, and since the daughter is married to a rich man who seems to be willing to share his wealth with his side of the family, he should also be willing to share his wealth with his wife's side of the family via dinners and holidays. Or are her side of the family not considered "family"?

If you read OP post carefully you’ll notice he doesn’t share wealth with extended family, he plans to share it with his children and grandchildren. He points out that he helps manage elderly relatives housing, medical or helps secure internships and research for nieces and nephews not that he is paying for them. This is classic WASP where money flows downward not upward. My mother would be beside herself if she knew how often MIL stuck us with the bill, gave her DS nothing yet expects stuff from him despite her now sitting on money. I don’t say anything because my mother would forever think DHs extended family are a bunch of trashy grifters. DH and I agree that they kind of are low class in their behavior similar to OPs FIL.

Advice to OP. Draw boundaries where money never comes up! Do not let them maneuver you into spending money that you don’t wish to spend. Never invest with them and avoid taking gifts or money though this will probably never be offered. Don’t expect anything from them.

I read it, and I think OP is still helping family members financially. Why else did he bring up the fact that he "helps" his extended family members in relation to a situation about money.

Maybe the FIL "helps" his extended family with "managing elderly relatives housing, medical or helps secure internships and research for nieces and nephews". Maybe, since he's from a blue collar background, he actually pays for medical bills for his extended family. How fortunate for OP that he was born wealthy, and his parents and grandparents are wealthy such that they don't need to help each other with money (if that's the case) but with other things because having money frees you to do that.

[Anonymous]

One of you is cheap and it's not your father in law.

[Anonymous]

Your family = you and your wife. So yes, your family is paying for your family's expenses.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Blue collar boomers assume all physicians are very wealthy. FIL sees his SIL as having deep pockets and being blue collar expects the deep pocket guy to pay. It’s a scarcity mindset. Even though FIL has unexpectedly made a lot of money, he doesn’t want to share it and he wants others to give him more money. Generational wealth building is something very foreign to him. FIL would probably also love to get his fingers into some of the OPs parents’ money.

FIL may also lose his money or not be as solidly wealthy as he lets on. If he is a tradesman who became a contractor, he could very well blow up at some point. Real estate developers who can come from blue or white collar backgrounds often skate between being worth millions and being bankrupt. If he’s built a successful plumbing or HVAC company and sells to PE he could make a lot but then invests it poorly with a developer friend where he could lose it.

OP is wealthy.

So is FIL.

Everyone is mocking the wife's usless degree as a probable justification for why her father wants her to pay the money back but did OP even say what the degree was? Because relative to his career as a physician I'm sure everything seems low paying.

Regardless of what the undergrad degree is in, by OP's admission, she is going to get a masters in an area that is low pay. So, she is making one bad decision after another knowing that she would not be able to pay her father back like she promised she would.

OP is an elitist who thinks how he uses his wealth is the right way (look at me, aren't I great for helping my extended family), and the FIL is a tightwad a$$ (who made his wealth rather than inherited it) for expecting his daughter to pay back money she agreed to.

OP's wife is kind of an idiot and a leech for expecting the men in her life to keep subsidizing her so she can do whatever she wants. If she weren't married to a rich man, how would she pay back the loan and get a masters in a low paying field?

FIL is a bit harsh, but he built his wealth by himself and knows how hard it is to make that money. IMO, him letting his daughter pay back the loan with no interest and no maturity date signals to me that this isn't about money but about teaching his adult daughter the value of money and the consequences of her choices. Seems to me that she has yet to learn that lesson.

As for the expensive dinners and trips, OP can say no, but why should FIL subsidize OP's choice in using his wealth to help his extended family members (while kind), and then OP turns around and says to the FIL that they will no longer be paying the debt owed.

OP here. I am not providing financial help to my family. They do not need it. I have obtained prestigious research internships and gotten their names on publications for when they apply to medical school. I also help elderly family members with managing their affairs - I work 0.8 FTE to make time for this.

I don’t consider my wife’s degree useless. I encouraged her to go back school and if she wants to stay at home after school I am happy with that as well.

Ultimately, I find my FIL’s stinginess embarrassing. He has a mid eight figure net worth and is still a poor tipper. He will gobble up all the bread at the table. In my family we are generous with our time, money, and other resources. FIL has the opposite mindset. If he were less fortunate I would happily pay for his dinner and vacation. I paid for the last semester of college for a friend who is in a tough spot so I consider myself very charitable. But, a wealthy old man who is stingy with their own family and the less fortunate will never receive money from me.

Your FILs "stinginess" is not for you to decide. He's a self-made man compared to you, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. You have no idea what it took for your FIL to reach his 8-figure wealth. I personally came to the US with one suitcase and have plenty of wealth now as well as a doctorate degree. There's no way in hell I'd be paying for my adult kids' vacations and meals. I already gave them plenty of opportunities by coming here and living in poverty at the beginning of my studies and career. If I have any money left over at the end of my life, I intend to donate it to trusts that I establish in my home country for smart students there. I'd not paying for the likes of you to stuff your face.

Your FIL is not asking you for money for HIM. He's expecting you to pay your own share, which you should do, as an adult. What is embarrassing is you expecting your spouse's father to pay for your vacations and meals. Also, if you only work 0.8 FTE, this 0.2 FTE is a lot of money for a doctor, so you are subsidizing your own family (which you're entitled to). Hopefully you're not putting people's names on publications who have contributed nothing, it's already painful to referee current "research" as it is (maybe that's the reason).

OP here. I am utterly unbothered by your “silver spoon” comment. I immensely proud of my grandparents and parents hard work. I am proud of my own hard work currently as well as in medical school and residency. I look forward to sharing my success with my children and grandchildren and would love it if they were even more privileged than me!

As my family enjoys wonderful trips together, dinners, and enjoying life together you will deny your own family that pleasure. My family will only continue to grow more prosperous as yours withers because you apparently have a chip on your shoulder over the fact your kids had an easier life. What a shame for you. I am so thankful that my parents and grandparents are nothing like you!

As someone wealthy and an adult you pay your own way and your wife’s education. And, be decent and treat them to a meal.