Reply to 19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dad and his wife (she's wife #3) have a 15-year gap. It was totally fine for a while! She got a lot in the "deal"-- US citizenship for herself and her tween son, and he adopted and very much parented her son including through some difficult post-college failure-to-launch and substance use years. (Which my dad was super unhappy about, but he did it). Anyway, now she's 65 and he's 80, and though he's really quite healthy for 80, he can't do anywhere near the activity level that he used to do. She travels without him for maybe 10-12 weeks a year, since he's not willing/able to do much traveling anymore. He's already had one heart attack, but it won't be the last.

She never really made friends of her own in the area, and his friend group sort of tolerates her but they and their same-age wives don't really see her as a peer. (This is of course more complex because she's of a different culture too). Now that his friends are aging, dying, and/or moving away, she's pretty socially isolated. It's no fun being the healthier spouse long-term and it's even less fun being the youngest/healthiest person in a friend group with everyone asking you to help them with their crises. Her son married but isn't having children, so my kids are the only grandkids and while she is very nice to my kids, I know it just isn't the same and it makes her sad.

Most of all, nobody has that much sympathy for her. The age gap is exactly as big as it was on the day they met, and everything has played out exactly as one would expect re: their health.  So what did she think was going to happen?

The best thing about it is that they truly love each other and get along. For me, it's great, because she's my dad's primary caregiver and she does a terrific job. I don't know if she regrets it or not. [/quote]

Sounds like your mother in law is smart and caring woman. She ensured that she gets something of real value from her second husband and not actually for the money. She's in for stability, father figure for her son, family life.  He took care of her son, gave her green card with her likely being from a less fortunate country. She loves him back and cares for him and your kids. It's not like she ran producing new set of kids and fighting with you over inheritance because she's not after your dad's money.[b] It's a fair partnership, although she will be miserable when your dad dies. [/b]

OP is in a different situation. I don't see any future for a partnership forming there.[/quote]

Well, she is smart. And she did get a lot of things of real value. Although she's not from a less-fortunate country, she's a well-educated person from Asia and she was already here on a work visa when they met.

But this is so important to understand-- she's pretty unhappy *now*, and I think she'll actually be relieved when he dies because then she can leave the rural area where he lives, which he will never agree to leave. The benefits to her in their "deal" were heavily front-loaded, and the benefits to him are back-loaded, so it was easy for her to focus on the near term and not think too hard about the later years. But eventually we all have to pay the piper. I don't think she'll actually leave him, but anyone can see that she's really unhappy. [/quote]

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