Wife won’t sleep with me

[Anonymous]

OP, she just opened your relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to know how much each of these people earn, and how much they each brought into the marriage (assets/debts). If one spouse is providing the bulk of the household income, their contribution is the money that pays for that toilet and the water that flows through it. I'm a working mom and I always have been except for a few months of maternity leave. I earned less, and I carried more of the load at home. I don't see how this is considered unfair. If that's unfair, then it's also a problem that she isn't earning 50% of their family's income to match his financial contribution. You can't have it both ways.

"That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to know how much each of these people earn, and how much they each brought into the marriage (assets/debts). If one spouse is providing the bulk of the household income, their contribution is the money that pays for that toilet and the water that flows through it. I'm a working mom and I always have been except for a few months of maternity leave. I earned less, and I carried more of the load at home. I don't see how this is considered unfair. If that's unfair, then it's also a problem that she isn't earning 50% of their family's income to match his financial contribution. You can't have it both ways.

This. Work is work. You don’t need to scrub toilets to contribute. If it’s that big of a deal why wait 10 years to pay someone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to know how much each of these people earn, and how much they each brought into the marriage (assets/debts). If one spouse is providing the bulk of the household income, their contribution is the money that pays for that toilet and the water that flows through it. I'm a working mom and I always have been except for a few months of maternity leave. I earned less, and I carried more of the load at home. I don't see how this is considered unfair. If that's unfair, then it's also a problem that she isn't earning 50% of their family's income to match his financial contribution. You can't have it both ways.

This. Work is work. You don’t need to scrub toilets to contribute. If it’s that big of a deal why wait 10 years to pay someone else to do it.

You make the mess in a family home and are not a toddler - poop smears, garbage everywhere, crumbs galore, dirty dishes - you arrange to clean it or fix it. Find the vendor, set their schedule, pay them.

Or go live with your Mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to know how much each of these people earn, and how much they each brought into the marriage (assets/debts). If one spouse is providing the bulk of the household income, their contribution is the money that pays for that toilet and the water that flows through it. I'm a working mom and I always have been except for a few months of maternity leave. I earned less, and I carried more of the load at home. I don't see how this is considered unfair. If that's unfair, then it's also a problem that she isn't earning 50% of their family's income to match his financial contribution. You can't have it both ways.

This. Work is work. You don’t need to scrub toilets to contribute. If it’s that big of a deal why wait 10 years to pay someone else to do it.

You make the mess in a family home and are not a toddler - poop smears, garbage everywhere, crumbs galore, dirty dishes - you arrange to clean it or fix it. Find the vendor, set their schedule, pay them.

Or go live with your Mommy.

It’s ok to not like your husband and to want something else. You don’t need to over blow crumbs and dirty dishes. If you’re so bothered, hire someone, not necessarily for him, but for your kids so they grow up in a clean environment. The passive aggressive attitude is getting you nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to know how much each of these people earn, and how much they each brought into the marriage (assets/debts). If one spouse is providing the bulk of the household income, their contribution is the money that pays for that toilet and the water that flows through it. I'm a working mom and I always have been except for a few months of maternity leave. I earned less, and I carried more of the load at home. I don't see how this is considered unfair. If that's unfair, then it's also a problem that she isn't earning 50% of their family's income to match his financial contribution. You can't have it both ways.

This. Work is work. You don’t need to scrub toilets to contribute. If it’s that big of a deal why wait 10 years to pay someone else to do it.

You make the mess in a family home and are not a toddler - poop smears, garbage everywhere, crumbs galore, dirty dishes - you arrange to clean it or fix it. Find the vendor, set their schedule, pay them.

Or go live with your Mommy.

It’s ok to not like your husband and to want something else. You don’t need to over blow crumbs and dirty dishes. If you’re so bothered, hire someone, not necessarily for him, but for your kids so they grow up in a clean environment. The passive aggressive attitude is getting you nowhere.

Imagine being so vile that you come with these excuses to blame someone else because you are unwilling to clean up your own crumbs and poop.

[Anonymous]

Poop poster. Good god. I give you serious credit for trying to save your marriage and your family. It’s meaningless from an internet stranger but I just want to say I’m so sorry for how you have been treated. You deserve so much better and I truly hope that your man child of a husband gets his act together because he sounds abusive and not worthy of you in every way. If you end up having to separate to save yourself you and your children will survive and eventually thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might as well step outside the marriage for it. What's the worst that can happen, divorce? You'd end up there anyway.

This option is less of a risk financially.

Totally agree with this advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to know how much each of these people earn, and how much they each brought into the marriage (assets/debts). If one spouse is providing the bulk of the household income, their contribution is the money that pays for that toilet and the water that flows through it. I'm a working mom and I always have been except for a few months of maternity leave. I earned less, and I carried more of the load at home. I don't see how this is considered unfair. If that's unfair, then it's also a problem that she isn't earning 50% of their family's income to match his financial contribution. You can't have it both ways.

"That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them."

Oh for god’s sake. Every time my husband has wanted to change jobs, which he has done repeatedly, I beg him to look for something with less hours and less pay so he can spend more time with our kids. I’d love more help around the house but for me it’s the interactions with the kids that are really priceless and *I* cannot be an engaged father on his behalf. He has chosen many times not to do so, going for jobs that are prestigious sounding first, then well paying and making mild concessions to the hours away from home. I work too, because he’s terrified of losing his job and at this point I have a decent mommy tracked job that allows me to be on call for childcare pretty much all the time. If he told me that I needed to follow him around cleaning up his poop stains and debris because he’s insisted on making choices I don’t agree with but earn a bit more money, I think we would probably be divorced. Or I’d be in jail, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing: Everybody poops. Everyone makes a bit of a mess at some point in the toilet. Maybe it's a drop of period blood you didn't realize you left behind. Who cares?! You both are using the toilet and somebody has to clean it on a regular basis. I've cleaned my husband's poop off the toilet, and he's put up will all sorts of BS at work to be able to bring home a fat paycheck. It all evens out, unless you're looking for an excuse to reject him. Do you seriously expect him to clean the toilet after each time he uses it???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: Everybody poops. Everyone makes a bit of a mess at some point in the toilet. Maybe it's a drop of period blood you didn't realize you left behind. Who cares?! You both are using the toilet and somebody has to clean it on a regular basis. I've cleaned my husband's poop off the toilet, and he's put up will all sorts of BS at work to be able to bring home a fat paycheck. It all evens out, unless you're looking for an excuse to reject him. Do you seriously expect him to clean the toilet after each time he uses it???

Anyone who leaves poop stains in the toilet is responsible for cleaning up, yes.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Ain’t having sex with poop everywhere. No gracias

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Stop with this BS about the long game and start doing house work more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: Everybody poops. Everyone makes a bit of a mess at some point in the toilet. Maybe it's a drop of period blood you didn't realize you left behind. Who cares?! You both are using the toilet and somebody has to clean it on a regular basis. I've cleaned my husband's poop off the toilet, and he's put up will all sorts of BS at work to be able to bring home a fat paycheck. It all evens out, unless you're looking for an excuse to reject him. Do you seriously expect him to clean the toilet after each time he uses it???

Does he ever clean his poop?