BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^also, I had kids at 35 and 38, got pregnant within a few months. Same for my friends. Are there some women who have a hard time? Sure. I know women younger than me who had a hard time getting pregnant. It is not uncommon or unusual these days for women in their mid/late 30s to get pregnant for the first time.

I worked with 4 other ladies from after college till our 50's. Around age 30, we all tried to get pregnant. I was the only one who conceived right away, both times.
One went through years of trying, did invitro, and after several miscarriages (rx incompetent cervix) conceived twins but was on bedrest for 6 months.
One went through infertility treatments and finally conceived after 5 years of trying.
One had multiple miscarriages and could not carry, so her sister carried her and her husbands fertilized egg and had my co-worker's baby.
One went through over 5 years of unsuccessful infertility treatments and eventually adopted one child.

Luckily we were all paid well enough for them to afford the infertility and adoption costs. But the lesson I took away was start early. If any of them had waited until mid 30's to find out they had issues, they very well could have run out of time to conceive.

We are all still friends and get together occasionally, as some of us have retired early and some are just about to retire (we all stayed at the same company for 30+ years).

My message to young women is if having kids is really important, try not to wait much past early 30's to start trying if you can help it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t take this job are you out a career? Or is this just a cool opportunity that you’ll have to work to find again?

If the former, you truly lose your career if you don’t take it, then it’s important. If it’s just delaying a promotion to turn it down/there are other promotable opportunities nearby then it is very understandable he’s upset. You are not prioritizing the relationship.

I have been married 17 years. Both of us have turned down our “dream job” at various points because that would have harmed our marriage and later our family. Did I have a Really Cool Opportunity to work abroad at one point that I turned down to prioritize the marriage? You bet. Do I still have a great career stateside? Yes. Has he turned down promotions or roles that would have kept him away from home more? Yes. Has he found other promotions and roles with more money that still carved out the desired family time? Yes.

There will be more career opportunities (unless there is more to the story). If this guy is worth it, don’t threaten leaving for a job of all things.

And if you do, that’s a valid choice but it should be a clue that the relationship isn’t that important comparatively.

OP is not even engaged yet. It's not the same.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't put my career on hold for just a boyfriend. IMO if he hasn't proposed, then there's no choice for you to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t take this job are you out a career? Or is this just a cool opportunity that you’ll have to work to find again?

If the former, you truly lose your career if you don’t take it, then it’s important. If it’s just delaying a promotion to turn it down/there are other promotable opportunities nearby then it is very understandable he’s upset. You are not prioritizing the relationship.

I have been married 17 years. Both of us have turned down our “dream job” at various points because that would have harmed our marriage and later our family. Did I have a Really Cool Opportunity to work abroad at one point that I turned down to prioritize the marriage? You bet. Do I still have a great career stateside? Yes. Has he turned down promotions or roles that would have kept him away from home more? Yes. Has he found other promotions and roles with more money that still carved out the desired family time? Yes.

There will be more career opportunities (unless there is more to the story). If this guy is worth it, don’t threaten leaving for a job of all things.

And if you do, that’s a valid choice but it should be a clue that the relationship isn’t that important comparatively.

Would you have turned down your dream job for a bf of 1.5 yrs? Its not a marriage. He hasn't even put a ring on it. Your situation seems totally different.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

What you describe is controlling and codependent behavior, not romantic longing.

Does he have any friends or hobbies?

What babble. She keeps going on trips. He’s not controlling her.

He’s trying to control her with “pouty” behavior. It’s not locking her up but still manipulating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

"Not always smooth" "far from perfect" "pouty" "snide remarks."

No I don't want that. I have better than that.

If you tell me your 25 year relationship is always smooth and perfect, then I know you are a liar. If you tell me you are holding for always smooth and perfect, I know you have the maturity of a child.

We aren’t smooth and perfect, but definitely no pouting or snideness.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Let us know what you decide OP haha enjoy spending the next 3 years living alone in flyover country drinking wine by your lonesome while editing PowerPoints surrounded by fat people #careergoal

What a bizarre response

I mean. It’s probably true.

She also won’t be able to get serious with someone in flyover because she plans to move back in 2-3 years.

And the fat comment? And the dig about powerpoints? This is someone who thinks womens only purpose is popping out babies and anyone who deviates from that is a failure.

Maybe she does get serious with someone and ends up staying, who knows. COL is likely much lower, and if she makes a ton more it will be great for her savings account either way.

Unless she is going to CO, yes the average person is heavier.
https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data-and-statistics/adult-obesity-prevalence-maps.html

Okay maybe she doesn’t do PowerPoints? But she hasn’t told us another about her job? It sounds like standard corporate gig, not working at the cancer research labs at MS Anderson. She had told us nothing about her job except she “loves it” and it does jump scare cross stare moves.

Yes it can be cheaper to live there, but if her company lays her off the job market will be much thinner. There may not be any jobs for her current BF , and a future DH may have to move for his job.

She sounds like she desires marriage and a family, that’s why people are commenting on it. If she does not, then she can just tell her BF she is moving, and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t imagine many 30 something men accepting such an arrangement— that’s something you do out of college for a year or two while in law/grad school.

[Anonymous]

I know women who left their DH to do medical residency in different states for 4 years. Few actually left their kids in India with parents so they finish residency here. People make all kind of choices for career.

[Anonymous]

If two people love each other and are committed for life, they find ways to make things work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Let us know what you decide OP haha enjoy spending the next 3 years living alone in flyover country drinking wine by your lonesome while editing PowerPoints surrounded by fat people #careergoal

What a bizarre response

I mean. It’s probably true.

She also won’t be able to get serious with someone in flyover because she plans to move back in 2-3 years.

And the fat comment? And the dig about powerpoints? This is someone who thinks womens only purpose is popping out babies and anyone who deviates from that is a failure.

Maybe she does get serious with someone and ends up staying, who knows. COL is likely much lower, and if she makes a ton more it will be great for her savings account either way.

Unless she is going to CO, yes the average person is heavier.
https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data-and-statistics/adult-obesity-prevalence-maps.html

Okay maybe she doesn’t do PowerPoints? But she hasn’t told us another about her job? It sounds like standard corporate gig, not working at the cancer research labs at MS Anderson. She had told us nothing about her job except she “loves it” and it does jump scare cross stare moves.

Yes it can be cheaper to live there, but if her company lays her off the job market will be much thinner. There may not be any jobs for her current BF , and a future DH may have to move for his job.

She sounds like she desires marriage and a family, that’s why people are commenting on it. If she does not, then she can just tell her BF she is moving, and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t imagine many 30 something men accepting such an arrangement— that’s something you do out of college for a year or two while in law/grad school.

You sound like a project 2025 doomsdayer threatening women with a spinster life if they try to have a career. Her BF isnt serious about her, he's threatening her, as are you. Do what the man says, or else your eggs might dry up! This is just not true. Good partners support each other. Good partners want the best for each other. Good partners don't give ultimatums and throw a hissy fit when their gf gets offered a better job. He sounds insecure that she will be making better money. Harder to control a woman with her own career and income, I'm guessing that's why you discourage it so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let us know what you decide OP haha enjoy spending the next 3 years living alone in flyover country drinking wine by your lonesome while editing PowerPoints surrounded by fat people #careergoal

What a bizarre response

I mean. It’s probably true.

She also won’t be able to get serious with someone in flyover because she plans to move back in 2-3 years.

And the fat comment? And the dig about powerpoints? This is someone who thinks womens only purpose is popping out babies and anyone who deviates from that is a failure.

Maybe she does get serious with someone and ends up staying, who knows. COL is likely much lower, and if she makes a ton more it will be great for her savings account either way.

Unless she is going to CO, yes the average person is heavier.
https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data-and-statistics/adult-obesity-prevalence-maps.html

Okay maybe she doesn’t do PowerPoints? But she hasn’t told us another about her job? It sounds like standard corporate gig, not working at the cancer research labs at MS Anderson. She had told us nothing about her job except she “loves it” and it does jump scare cross stare moves.

Yes it can be cheaper to live there, but if her company lays her off the job market will be much thinner. There may not be any jobs for her current BF , and a future DH may have to move for his job.

She sounds like she desires marriage and a family, that’s why people are commenting on it. If she does not, then she can just tell her BF she is moving, and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t imagine many 30 something men accepting such an arrangement— that’s something you do out of college for a year or two while in law/grad school.

So you expect women to follow their man around for his job, but not the other way around? It also "sounds like" he desires marriage and a family. Why can't he make some sacrifices for it? Why must it always be the woman to make the sacrifice?

Who cares what her job is, it's none of your business. The dig about ppts was intentional, to make her sound like a no-good paper pusher. She loves her job, that should be enough to want to pursue it, whether power point or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his career situation/job prospects?

What will you want to do re: career and kids two years from now?

I’m a med-surg nurse. I want to take a travel job opportunity. This will help further my career with all this experience. It can open doors for a better job and pay down the road.

I still plan to work when I have kids. We will use daycare. Boyfriend works in finance.

[Anonymous]

I think the real issue has much less to do with whether OP should accept or decline the job and is much more about how they navigate difficult decisions as a couple.

OP, I recommend getting a few sessions with a marriage/ relationship counselor who can help you flesh out this ‘how to work together when facing tough decisions’ situation.

He may be 100% ready to marry you and he may be the right person for you, but if you are just scared to be single vs feeling he really is the right person for you long-term and he is demonstrating no willingness to engage in a real conversation, then these are big red flags.

The best case scenario is that you two *do* want to be together and that you have an honest and supportive conversation about options. And if you decide not to take the job, it’s because it’s what is best for how *you* feel about the relationship and not because you were given an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you do both?

This. Get married, do long distance relationship for 2 years. My kids did that. If you love the person, you will find a way to belong to each other as well as give each other the means to grow (education, career etc).

I find it weird that the BF has said to choose.

We can’t get married before I leave. We haven’t even gotten engaged. I want a real engagement and wedding. Very big wedding with lots of family and friends. That will take a lot of time to plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is his career situation/job prospects?

What will you want to do re: career and kids two years from now?

I’m a med-surg nurse. I want to take a travel job opportunity. This will help further my career with all this experience. It can open doors for a better job and pay down the road.

I still plan to work when I have kids. We will use daycare. Boyfriend works in finance.

Your bf is literally telling you NOT to make more money. He is cutting your earning potential for the rest of your life with his temper tantrum.