DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Another troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Uh, yes. Because he walked out the back door without a word or her knowledge.

Very curious who this singular poster is, parked on this thread, intent on bullying OP.

It's not about bullying OP but a try to give her another perspective.

Also, if her DH walked out without a word and left his car and phone, shouldn't it warrant any concern?

Yes. For the seven-year-old about to miss his Little League game because dad doesn’t know how to communicate.

Listen man, we totally get that you want a household scenario in which men come first and only their feelings matter. I’m sorry if you were born in the wrong decade. The 1950s might’ve been for you. But this is not how functional relationships worked, even back then. Women just didn’t have any other options at that time. We do now. I understand it’s a bummer for people like you.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want divorce, says they can't do therapy, what do you suggest then? May be her trying to see things from DH's perspective can give OP some empathy or insight into his issues and make their dynamic less dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs his space. And you're worried about him being gone for a couple of hours. He's may be close to making some big life decisions. And you might not be in it.

What you do is: you let him save face. He returns. He returns to a gentle, calm environment. He is telling you with actions and told you with words: it's too much. Too much stress. You expect too much emotional support -- go find friends, others to help with your emotional needs. He can't do it. It's too much for him, he's not wired that way. Likely too, you have the kids scheduled way too much. Especially revealing when, in the middle of a marriage crisis, *your* concern is how to get the kids to their activities and how you will get your errands accomplished. He's rethinking the marriage and you don't get what's important.

This, I think. He isn't a person who talks about his feelings and emotions? He has them, though. He just doesn't want to, or doesn't know how to without breaking down, or doesn't want to feel week. But he's got stresses and problems he doesn't let on about. Maybe big ones. And maybe those are at a critical point. Work? Job? Health?

He can't cope with his and listen to you "share" or "vent" or prattle on at the plant store.
In an ideal world, of course he should be able to.
But this is where he is now.

Ah yes, the DH is a man so he must just be operating on a higher plane of intelligence and emotional sophistication than OP can even imagine. He shouldn’t be expected to lower himself to polite interactions with people who have time on the weekend to look at plants. And OP should be seen and not heard, doesn’t she know that?

Really he is so superior that he shouldn’t have to interact with his family at all, right? OP is just a dumb little girl who doesn’t understand how the world works, right?

/s

Yes, OP. A dumb little girl is exactly what you’re acting like.

Misogyny. Or PP is taking out their crappy day on OP. What a disgrace.

Not misogyny. OP is acting immature and stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

+1. This is just martyr talk.

+ 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

BUT BUT BUT they had to go to Target to make some returns! Don't you understand how important OP's errands are?!?

And (for some inexplicable reason) the dog might have run into the street!!!

[Anonymous]

Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Yep. In true, DCUM tradition, I’m going to diagnose her: borderline personality disorder. Maybe histrionic. could be either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So there is some weird, threatening, misogynist troll on this thread, repeatedly posting. Ignore this, OP.

I’m the “I’ve been there before” poster. You could make yourself into the tiniest speck possible, and if you won his love that way, what is won? Men who want you to diminish yourself to be worthy of their love also have no ceiling and no floor for this, because it’s not about you. My ex was, and still is, deeply unhappy. Thankfully, I met him when I was old enough that I knew that what was going on between the two of us was deeply abnormal and not a “me” problem. But we didn’t have kids together, so the stakes were different.

If you haven’t been to counseling yet, this is the time. His behavior is not sustainable for a lifetime relationship. And the above poster trying to call you crazy, immature, and get you to break your neck making the environment more “calm and gentle“ for your husband is one of these many guys who believe that women only exist to prop up men. Unfortunately, there’s plenty of them out there.

I don't think so. I think it's different people.

No, I don't think it is. And it's probably you.

Also who cares? Any poster (one or multiple) trying to blame OP for wondering where her husband went when he left the house without a word to anyone (you don't do this when you have a family), or blame the kids for having activities ("they're overscheduled!"), is just looking for a reason to excuse her H's sh!tty behavior. Per this approach, everyone should tiptoe around the poor guy. No one should ask anything of him. Kids don't need activities. Yard doesn't need to be cleaned. Etc., etc.

Look, some guys just can't do life. They don't reveal it until they're already "life-ing" and they melt down and become 4 year olds. I don't know if OP's guy is one of them. I hope not. But excusing him and blaming her, yeah no thanks. Those marriages fail eventually, no matter what.

I'm not reading all 13 pages of this, especially since some of the posters are nuts. But OP, if you're still following: could be this. My ex was like this. Didn't realize he really didn't want to do married life/father life until we had a child, and he dipped. FF my DH adopted him, and we've been married 25 yrs with three kids who are all in or post college now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Uh, yes. Because he walked out the back door without a word or her knowledge.

Very curious who this singular poster is, parked on this thread, intent on bullying OP.

Definitely not a “singular poster” lol. But nice try at discrediting the 10 people who disagree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

OP does not want a solution; she wants to run frantic through her house and post on here with histrionics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work OP? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start thinking of leaving. I know it seems impossible and overwhelming but start taking small steps towards leaving. Empower yourself. We can do hard things!

I want to know the answer to this as well. I'm guessing the answer is no. Whether or not she admits that, though ...

Yes I work. I love how every post on DCUM about a spouse that is causing hurt and pain assumes a woman has earned that hurt and pain by bringing in insufficient income.

Just in case any woman out there is so arrogant as to believe that a job magically protects them from a dud spouse: it does not.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Some of these PPs want to think it’s your fault because they need to believe it won’t happen to them because they are such cool and chill wives. I am very chill and it happened to me. Years of abuse, similar to what you describe. You don’t fix your spouse’s anger issues by not being a harpy. They need to want to change and most of these guys don’t care.

Nothing wrong?! She went off the deep end because her husband took a walk. When he came back she verbally attacked him.

He didn't just take a walk. He was nasty to her and then left without telling her where he was going, and without any regard to his kids' and their needs/plans. That's just a dick move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

OP does not want a solution; she wants to run frantic through her house and post on here with histrionics.

I think you need to relearn the definition of histrionics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Uh, yes. Because he walked out the back door without a word or her knowledge.

Very curious who this singular poster is, parked on this thread, intent on bullying OP.

It's not about bullying OP but a try to give her another perspective.

Also, if her DH walked out without a word and left his car and phone, shouldn't it warrant any concern?

Yes. For the seven-year-old about to miss his Little League game because dad doesn’t know how to communicate.

Listen man, we totally get that you want a household scenario in which men come first and only their feelings matter. I’m sorry if you were born in the wrong decade. The 1950s might’ve been for you. But this is not how functional relationships worked, even back then. Women just didn’t have any other options at that time. We do now. I understand it’s a bummer for people like you.

Yes, in a functional set up, dad would drop the kid to his game, feed the dog and mow the yard so wife can go to Target and birthday and they would discuss their ongoing issues later but this isn't a functional set up so toxicity of contempt and resentment is clouding their judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work OP? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start thinking of leaving. I know it seems impossible and overwhelming but start taking small steps towards leaving. Empower yourself. We can do hard things!

I want to know the answer to this as well. I'm guessing the answer is no. Whether or not she admits that, though ...

Yes I work. I love how every post on DCUM about a spouse that is causing hurt and pain assumes a woman has earned that hurt and pain by bringing in insufficient income.

Just in case any woman out there is so arrogant as to believe that a job magically protects them from a dud spouse: it does not.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Some of these PPs want to think it’s your fault because they need to believe it won’t happen to them because they are such cool and chill wives. I am very chill and it happened to me. Years of abuse, similar to what you describe. You don’t fix your spouse’s anger issues by not being a harpy. They need to want to change and most of these guys don’t care.

Nothing wrong?! She went off the deep end because her husband took a walk. When he came back she verbally attacked him.

He didn't just take a walk. He was nasty to her and then left without telling her where he was going, and without any regard to his kids' and their needs/plans. That's just a dick move.

Yes but if he is depressed and being put in similar scenarios every day then its hard to rationally follow her strict and busy timetable. If there is mutual empathy in a couple, then both look for ways to make things work, if there is mutual hostility then expecting other partner to follow your timetable isn't a realistic expectation.