Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who says she cheated but she wouldn't tolerate a revenge affair, the thing is, you just never know until it happens to you, and then it depends on a lot of factors. I'm sure I would have said I would never stay after an affair, but when you have a chronic illness and two preschool aged kids, plus there's still love and your husband commits to changing, suddenly the "never" is out the window.

It seems odd to preach forgiveness for yourself but not for your spouse. I do agree that a tit for tat mentality is not healthy. But if your very human husband, in his grief and shock, made the very same mistakes that you made, would you really not consider staying?

You’re still not getting it. I wouldn’t leave because of any one thing. I would leave because of ALL THE THINGS. Because there were a lot of things that happened BEFORE the emotional affair that made the marriage super broken. If DH cheated instead of committing to the marriage it would just be the final piece of evidence that the marriage is not even salvageable.

The accepted narrative here is that people who commit adultery are self-indulgent babies who should be grateful that their angelic spouses ever look at them again and I certainly don’t think that was true in my case and I suspect it’s not true for a lot of cases.

I apologized to DH but I certainly wasn’t going to grovel. And DH was hurt but I don’t think he was traumatized, shocked, devastated, etc. He doesn’t wake up in a cold sweat obsessing or remind me about it. He thought the whole thing was kind of silly and in retrospect so do I. He’s a pretty happy person in general and was happy to rebuild the marriage. So am I. Reading that it seems like Esther Perel type nonsense but it’s what happened.

Did you confess to your DH or were you caught? You sound self-centered so guessing the latter.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to have a recent affair to even the score. If you don’t, you will always hold the moral high ground over your spouse, you will never be equal.

[Anonymous]

No. Why involve another human being in your personal drama?

[Anonymous]

No. Why involve another human being in your personal drama?

Wut.

PPs have posted several excellent reasons not to have a revenge affair uppost. However, the OP could easily find a man who was DTF and who would bring little to no drama to an NSA fling.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce them that will be the best revenge. Cheaters delusionally believe their inflated value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Why involve another human being in your personal drama?

+1. Please don't bring another person into your circus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce them that will be the best revenge. Cheaters delusionally believe their inflated value.

So true - my cheating ex was shocked that I ended our relationship. You could truly see the shock on his face. I'm not sure what exactly he thought would happen? Did he think he was so great that I wouldn't leave him even if he was cheating- wildly delusional, if so!

[Anonymous]

Not going to lie…..

It would be very, VERY tempting.

But the older I get > the less inclined I would be to actually do it.

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

It sounds like your grief is about staying in the marriage longer than you should have.

[Anonymous]

If having your own revenge affair evans the score and allows you to hold onto the marriage, I say do it--especially, if you want to keep things intact for the kids.

Europeans do not have this love of divorce that Americans have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

That's fair but, I'm pretty sure some of them would have been really great.

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I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

It sounds like your grief is about staying in the marriage longer than you should have.

Yes, that too.