Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when do you see your husbands family?

Bet you $100 and a box of donuts she won’t answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

I'm surprised we're 12 pages in, there's so much focus on SIL spending the day itself with her family, and no one has connected this with her plan to go ON VACATION in the future. Maybe she's sick of trying to please two local families even while at least one is clearly seething about adjusting their plans by one day, during one of very few school breaks when they could travel. I assume vacation means she's opting out of BOTH families.

[Anonymous]

I grew up staying at resorts on Christmas. I mentioned it to dh the other day how lovely it would be once the kids don’t believe anymore and he flipped out. I don’t think he even cares about seeing family he just knows it would upset his mom. I’m not sure why family on Christmas is such a big deal. I can remember sleigh rides in Colorado and beautifully decorated cities in Europe.

Similarly I’d like to take the kids on mini weekend trips for their birthdays instead of parties. But we’re not allowed because I have to host a big party and dinner for in-laws.

I think people get really weird about tradition and they use it like a bludgeon to make people submit to their will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this out of line?

SIL told my mother this is the last Christmas or Christmas Eve (or even Christmas Eve Eve) she’ll see them and their two kids as they’re planning family vacations next year and moving forward.

This is a thing at the private school their kids go to, so they are dropping out of participating in Christmas with our family; a tradition going back 20 plus years of all of us getting together for Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve Eve. Brother and SIL live near my mother, so no travel involved.

My mom was so sad. Can’t help but think how many more Christmases does she have left. They can’t go on their vacation a day or two later?

Public or private school is not relevant. The fact is when kids are off and when the parents do not have to use lots of personal time off to travel. Brother/SIL live near the mother. Where does OP live? Travel to mom for Xmas Eve and day? Flight, long drive, local or semi local? SIL had no relatives/parents/friends or did she have to placate OP family for over 20 years of Christmas?

Brother and SIL kids are in K-12. Guess what might happen when they are in college and are young adults for Thanksgiving and Christmas? We and other parents got the come home and have stuff locally to see their friends especially at Thanksgiving.

My kids go to private and it’s certainly a “thing” for the “cool” Catholic private school cliques to travel together and booze and spam all the photos on social media every school break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this out of line?

SIL told my mother this is the last Christmas or Christmas Eve (or even Christmas Eve Eve) she’ll see them and their two kids as they’re planning family vacations next year and moving forward.

This is a thing at the private school their kids go to, so they are dropping out of participating in Christmas with our family; a tradition going back 20 plus years of all of us getting together for Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve Eve. Brother and SIL live near my mother, so no travel involved.

My mom was so sad. Can’t help but think how many more Christmases does she have left. They can’t go on their vacation a day or two later?

Public or private school is not relevant. The fact is when kids are off and when the parents do not have to use lots of personal time off to travel. Brother/SIL live near the mother. Where does OP live? Travel to mom for Xmas Eve and day? Flight, long drive, local or semi local? SIL had no relatives/parents/friends or did she have to placate OP family for over 20 years of Christmas?

Brother and SIL kids are in K-12. Guess what might happen when they are in college and are young adults for Thanksgiving and Christmas? We and other parents got the come home and have stuff locally to see their friends especially at Thanksgiving.

My kids go to private and it’s certainly a “thing” for the “cool” Catholic private school cliques to travel together and booze and spam all the photos on social media every school break.

NP. Don’t want to see “spam”? Stay off social media, or unfollow the people you clearly dislike.

Going on a vacation is not something other people do to make you feel jealous. They don’t think of you, actually. People who are friends aren’t “cliques.” Really do get over yourself. My family stays home for the holidays and always has parents or ILs, but great for people who travel. I know that my neighbors’ vacation is not, actually, about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Christmas celebrations are nice, but warm weather vacations are even better. I doubt SIL had to “strongarm” her husband into anything. Lol.

Also, they live nearby…this isn’t a “but it is the only time a year we see each other!” sort of thing. They can spend time with your mom any other time.

Their kids are getting older (and most likely less Santa-focused) and now have school breaks etc to work around also. Makes total sense for their family to consider traveling over break now, even though they didn’t before.

They are in the same region—ex Bethesda to Baltimore—not the same town. My mother only sees them a handful of times per year. Her parents live in their same town and see them practically every day.

Np don’t you think that family you see daily and who chose to live next to has more claim on holidays? One side of our family moved to our zip code to help us when we had kids. We rely on them a lot and they also rely on us. I can’t imagine abandoning them for every holiday. We do travel often to the other family on holidays but it’s hard. I wish the other family would let us host some so that both parents could be with family on holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up staying at resorts on Christmas. I mentioned it to dh the other day how lovely it would be once the kids don’t believe anymore and he flipped out. I don’t think he even cares about seeing family he just knows it would upset his mom. I’m not sure why family on Christmas is such a big deal. I can remember sleigh rides in Colorado and beautifully decorated cities in Europe.

Similarly I’d like to take the kids on mini weekend trips for their birthdays instead of parties. But we’re not allowed because I have to host a big party and dinner for in-laws.

I think people get really weird about tradition and they use it like a bludgeon to make people submit to their will.

Sort of like the villagers in Fiddler on the Roof (Tradition!). They cling to their traditions ignoring the changes going on in the world around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your mom and 3 of 4 siblings all live with in the same region- or a weekend’s drive in your case? And this is the ONE time of year you can all get together? If you are going to be assigning “fault” (not that I agree it is anyone’s fault- but you obviously do) about this- the fault lies more with the sibling who moved to Seattle. Next in line would be YOU- who moved 4hrs away.

It isn’t your brother and SIL’s fault that siblings have moved away. Why should they have to be the ones to accommodate this? Ridiculous. They can see your mother anytime.

Why does everyone even have to get together at the SAME time? This is a control issue. Yuck!

My in-laws are like this. We are celebrating Hanukkah several weeks late this year because they wanted all three adult kids present at the same time, and although we could all celebrate during actual Hanukkah with them, none of us could do it the same night. So instead of celebrating during the actual holiday separately, we are doing it in a few days from now. It’s odd to me. We are all semi local so it’s not like we don’t get together at other times too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your mom and 3 of 4 siblings all live with in the same region- or a weekend’s drive in your case? And this is the ONE time of year you can all get together? If you are going to be assigning “fault” (not that I agree it is anyone’s fault- but you obviously do) about this- the fault lies more with the sibling who moved to Seattle. Next in line would be YOU- who moved 4hrs away.

It isn’t your brother and SIL’s fault that siblings have moved away. Why should they have to be the ones to accommodate this? Ridiculous. They can see your mother anytime.

Why does everyone even have to get together at the SAME time? This is a control issue. Yuck!

My in-laws are like this. We are celebrating Hanukkah several weeks late this year because they wanted all three adult kids present at the same time, and although we could all celebrate during actual Hanukkah with them, none of us could do it the same night. So instead of celebrating during the actual holiday separately, we are doing it in a few days from now. It’s odd to me. We are all semi local so it’s not like we don’t get together at other times too.

Isn’t their solution pretty reasonable, though? If they’re willing to wait a few weeks so that everyone’s calendars synch up to celebrate the holiday, that seems pretty fair, no?

[Anonymous]

Seems fair to me. They are letting people know now so no hard feelings next year when they follow through with their plan of going on vacation for xmas. Totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up staying at resorts on Christmas. I mentioned it to dh the other day how lovely it would be once the kids don’t believe anymore and he flipped out. I don’t think he even cares about seeing family he just knows it would upset his mom. I’m not sure why family on Christmas is such a big deal. I can remember sleigh rides in Colorado and beautifully decorated cities in Europe.

Similarly I’d like to take the kids on mini weekend trips for their birthdays instead of parties. But we’re not allowed because I have to host a big party and dinner for in-laws.

I think people get really weird about tradition and they use it like a bludgeon to make people submit to their will.

What culture is this that requires a big party and dinner for a kid's birthday? American-style is just a kid's party for a few hours with maybe something simple like pizza for lunch.

[Anonymous]

So party on without them! Eat your favorite things and having your usual traditions. Take the photos without them. Basically just enjoy the holiday as usual.

Bonus that now you can buy their gifts at after-Christmas sales and they can pick them up in January.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your mom and 3 of 4 siblings all live with in the same region- or a weekend’s drive in your case? And this is the ONE time of year you can all get together? If you are going to be assigning “fault” (not that I agree it is anyone’s fault- but you obviously do) about this- the fault lies more with the sibling who moved to Seattle. Next in line would be YOU- who moved 4hrs away.

It isn’t your brother and SIL’s fault that siblings have moved away. Why should they have to be the ones to accommodate this? Ridiculous. They can see your mother anytime.

Why does everyone even have to get together at the SAME time? This is a control issue. Yuck!

My in-laws are like this. We are celebrating Hanukkah several weeks late this year because they wanted all three adult kids present at the same time, and although we could all celebrate during actual Hanukkah with them, none of us could do it the same night. So instead of celebrating during the actual holiday separately, we are doing it in a few days from now. It’s odd to me. We are all semi local so it’s not like we don’t get together at other times too.

That's odd that the three kids couldn't find one night out of eight to get together. Clearly not a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family. [/quo

You have fallen for op’s dig at private school families which is an irrelevant detail.

Why assume this is about keeping up with the joneses? Crazy but maybe she just wants a fun vacation during tge limited time her kids are available and it is easier to get away from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up staying at resorts on Christmas. I mentioned it to dh the other day how lovely it would be once the kids don’t believe anymore and he flipped out. I don’t think he even cares about seeing family he just knows it would upset his mom. I’m not sure why family on Christmas is such a big deal. I can remember sleigh rides in Colorado and beautifully decorated cities in Europe.

Similarly I’d like to take the kids on mini weekend trips for their birthdays instead of parties. But we’re not allowed because I have to host a big party and dinner for in-laws.

I think people get really weird about tradition and they use it like a bludgeon to make people submit to their will.

I absolutely LOVE going away for christmas but my husband is the same. His family barely celebrates it, but if we happen to miss it because of a vacation (has happened twice in 17 yrs) BOY OH BOY is it ever a big deal. Made out to be the villians for the whole year and DH ends up getting guilt tripped non-stop while we are away. So frustrating.