Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Also, your family isn’t close if you only get together once a year. Getting together on Christmas isn’t going to make you close. My kids see their cousins on both sides more than that, and my SIL’s family lives in California. There is nothing that is going to make you guys close if you only see each other on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, sounds pretty shitty to announce to elderly MIL that this is the “last Christmas you’ll see us or your grandchildren.” Seems like there could be a more reasonable and sensitive way to say you’ll be on vacation. Also talk about rigidity. No more Christmases going forward? Not one? Sounds weird to me.

But PP brought up a good point OP. Your relationship with brother and SIL and your nieces and nephews are the future of your family. No matter how much it hurts, our elderly family members do leave us. Work on strengthening your relationship with brother and SIL if you can.

Oh I’m sure those were the exact words used by SIL; surely OP is not at all prone to exaggeration and twisting words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, sounds pretty shitty to announce to elderly MIL that this is the “last Christmas you’ll see us or your grandchildren.” Seems like there could be a more reasonable and sensitive way to say you’ll be on vacation. Also talk about rigidity. No more Christmases going forward? Not one? Sounds weird to me.

But PP brought up a good point OP. Your relationship with brother and SIL and your nieces and nephews are the future of your family. No matter how much it hurts, our elderly family members do leave us. Work on strengthening your relationship with brother and SIL if you can.

Oh I’m sure those were the exact words used by SIL; surely OP is not at all prone to exaggeration and twisting words.

Clearly that's not exact, bc of later said sil is nice and made the announcement nicely. It's "the premise" that is rude, whatever that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

Same poster. My family is actually pretty religious. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. We will still be flying back from London for Easter in 2024. We are prioritizing my husband singing in the Easter cantata, which is the weekend before Easter and when I’ve told my ILs I’m happy to host. The reality is that kids have limited breaks from school. This isn’t about “who is the best Christian.” And really, the multiple families could prioritize getting together some other time when it is easier to travel. Life will go on.

I don’t know why you (and others?) assumed they spend Easter with my mother. They don’t. They spend Easter with SIL’s family.

No one assumed that. We pushed back at your assertion that their choice to spend Christmas elsewhere was somehow an insult to your family's religious observance. It's not. But you know that. This is all about control.

I still don't understand why you think it's okay to live hundreds of miles away from your elderly mother and then make the demands you've made throughout this thread. We don't look for work elsewhere bc we prioritize family and have made every effort to stay close. You haven't, and I think that speaks volumes.

You yourself said your sil made the announcement in a nice way and that she's a nice person. She's being direct and honest so that the family can plan. Rather than your wishy washy brother who has evaded responsibility.

+1. If you gave a crap about your elderly mother who is on death’s door, you would move closer. Someone who lives four hours away from “the family hub” can keep her mouth shut about closeness, priorities, and who should be doing what, when.

[Anonymous]

You clearly are upset with the disconnect you feel with your brother. He's weak and makes little effort to connect with his own family, so sil has to do all the management of that. She's not the problem and there's nothing that you describe here that is rude or offensive.

Address what the real issue is, that your brother has shown repeatedly that you guys aren't worth the trouble to maintain a good connection. Then address that however you feel is best, either through a conversation with your brother, in therapy, or through simple acceptance that you don't have the relationship with him that you wished you had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is something that you can accept or decline. This is a demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is not a summons. If people decline your invitation, that’s an oh well. Not a gnash your teeth and rage against your SIL on DCUM (conveniently forgetting to assign any responsibility to your dear brother, of course).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this out of line?

SIL told my mother this is the last Christmas or Christmas Eve (or even Christmas Eve Eve) she’ll see them and their two kids as they’re planning family vacations next year and moving forward.

This is a thing at the private school their kids go to, so they are dropping out of participating in Christmas with our family; a tradition going back 20 plus years of all of us getting together for Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve Eve. Brother and SIL live near my mother, so no travel involved.

My mom was so sad. Can’t help but think how many more Christmases does she have left. They can’t go on their vacation a day or two later?

Public or private school is not relevant. The fact is when kids are off and when the parents do not have to use lots of personal time off to travel. Brother/SIL live near the mother. Where does OP live? Travel to mom for Xmas Eve and day? Flight, long drive, local or semi local? SIL had no relatives/parents/friends or did she have to placate OP family for over 20 years of Christmas?

Brother and SIL kids are in K-12. Guess what might happen when they are in college and are young adults for Thanksgiving and Christmas? We and other parents got the come home and have stuff locally to see their friends especially at Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Christmas celebrations are nice, but warm weather vacations are even better. I doubt SIL had to “strongarm” her husband into anything. Lol.

Also, they live nearby…this isn’t a “but it is the only time a year we see each other!” sort of thing. They can spend time with your mom any other time.

Their kids are getting older (and most likely less Santa-focused) and now have school breaks etc to work around also. Makes total sense for their family to consider traveling over break now, even though they didn’t before.

They are in the same region—ex Bethesda to Baltimore—not the same town. My mother only sees them a handful of times per year. Her parents live in their same town and see them practically every day.

If your mother only sees them a handful of times a year and it’s less than an hour of driving distance, then clearly seeing her is not that much of a priority to YOUR BROTHER, THE SON SHE RAISED, irrespective of holidays or travel plans.

Your. Brother. Doesn’t. Care. That. Much. About. Your. Family. Be upset about that, and stop bashing your SIL.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Also, your family isn’t close if you only get together once a year. Getting together on Christmas isn’t going to make you close. My kids see their cousins on both sides more than that, and my SIL’s family lives in California. There is nothing that is going to make you guys close if you only see each other on Christmas.

This. Families that make a huge deal about how everyone HAS to be there for certain events are often overcompensating for the fact that they are simply not that close and not that much in each other's lives. It's a desire to project the image of closeness, and for some people it's about the social media pictures and bragging rights ("oh ALL of my children and ALL of my grandchildren come to my home for Christmas Eve"). It's compulsory so they can prove to themselves and others that their family is so close.

But in an actually close, functional family, people don't freak out about someone spending Christmas elsewhere sometimes or about sharing kids with ILs, because there is love an acceptance generally. People are understanding that people might have other obligations and may be balancing different families, kids' needs, work, etc. But also they have faith that if someone spends a holiday somewhere else, it doesn't mean the love or connection is any less. It just means they spent Christmas somewhere else. The family makes time for one another in other ways and at other times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is something that you can accept or decline. This is a demand.

Where is the demand? The post said the SIL announced they would be going on vacation next year and for the foreseeable future and that her mother was very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

Sure you can invite but, you shouldn't guilt trip anyone to saying yes.

[Anonymous]

OP, when do you see your husbands family?