Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also didn’t the OP mention her marriage was on shaky ground? Sorry if that was a different post. Snowballs chance in hell I’d give up my house, stable job and 200k+ income to move somewhere I don’t have a job, that my income potential is way lower, they we may not like and that might not fix my marriage. Divorce in Vermont and you hate it? Have fun living there on a diminished income with a higher mortgage rate until the kids are 18.

Exactly. The risk is too high. She is giving up a substantial income. Think of the retirement she could build off of that. And college funds.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

the idea that OP should give up her well-paying, flexible job that she loves so her WFH husband can move to a rural area is just bonkers. Wrong on every level.

also the DC area is not “soul crushing.” we have access to lots of outdoor activities. if her DH isn’t getting out that is his fault. he’s blaming his malaise on DC (and now setting up a scenario where he gets to blame OP). he’s not 20. he needs to take responsibility for himself.

+1 so tired of these DMV haters. I didn’t grow up here but I love the DMV. Great food, lots of diversity, smart and ambitious people, mountains and ocean within a fairly reasonable drive, and four seasons. This is a fabulous area for runners too.

Sorry, I guess the DMV area can be okay if you are fabulously wealthy, enjoy being in your car for significant chunks of your day, and are hyper competitive in all aspects of your life. Oh, and also enjoy swamp like weather in the summer, cold gray winters, and the most sprawling development as far as the eye can see.

For everyone else it’s just one step up from a hell hole.

You just sound like a very negative person who would be unhappy anywhere.

I AM actually a generally negative person, but we moved out of the DMV and I have never been happier.

I am really glad so many of you enjoy that lifestyle, but for many of us it is truly awful. For example, the “fun places to hike and bike” generally necessitate that you first DRIVE to those places (unless as mentioned before you are wealthy enough to live in one of the genuinely walkable safe areas, which obviously most people are not). Some of us don’t want to commute to our leisure activities as well as our jobs.

Again, good for you if you like the DMV. A lot of people hate it for very good reason, and it sounds like OP’s husband is one of them, so taking the attitude that he is obligated to just suck it up and spend the next couple decades of his life in an area that makes him miserable is completely unfair.

Luckily it sounds like OP is far more reasonable than most of the DMV apologists on this thread, so they might have a chance.

Most of the people I know who live in rural/vacation areas drive a lot. And I’m sorry, if you have a burning need to live right on a lake or the beach, you should not have put down roots in a city and shaped your life around that.

Life is long, my friend. Feelings change. Circumstances change. Have you never tried anything thinking you’d enjoy it and then realized that you didn’t? Have you ever genuinely enjoyed something for awhile, but then slowly stopped enjoying it?

Because his wife has a job she loves in DC, that means he has to stay here forever no matter how much he hates it? There is absolutely no room for compromise because he decided to live in this area however many years ago?

This is rigid thinking and I suspect it is coming from a place of deep anxiety. The same kind of anxious thinking that would lead someone to think that 160K “doesn’t go far anywhere” as one PP said. And while the husband says he wants rural, there are of course many options in between city/suburb and completely rural that could potentially satisfy both of them (small town in a nice location, maybe?)

Yes, to all of this. The people who are adamant that this guy should just "suck it up" for the next 10-15 years either have marriage issues or are overly defensive of the DMV. OP doesn't even feel that way and she's the one who would actually have to move.

It is incredibly hard to live in a place where you just don't feel happy or like you belong. I have felt that way in the DMV for about a decade, and it's really hard. My DH very much wants to stay but we have finally started talking about leaving and trying to find a compromise elsewhere that meets both our needs, because it's just incredibly hard on my mental health to be somewhere that doesn't feel good to me. That doesn't mean this is a bad place. It means it's not right for me.

There is sometimes an attitude here (you find it in NY too) that if you don't like some aspect of the DMV, the problem is YOU. But come on. One of the biggest things I struggle with here is the weather. I come from a dry climate with real winters. I actually like rain and inclement weather, but before I moved here I had no idea that "hot rain" was a thing, having never lived in a very humid or tropical environment. This is not a knock on people who live here and love it -- I think many of you are just more acclimated to this weather and maybe have bodies that deal better with it? I am uncomfortable much of the year and then get depressed in the winter when it's just gray and bleak but there is no snow. Every year, year after year.

There are other things about the area that are hard for me. But like the weather, that doesn't mean I'm saying this is a horrible area for everyone. I'm not Type A, I'm not career driven, I struggle with people who have "sharp elbows" and that stuff is part of the culture here. That's fine if that's you, but it's hard to live and work among it for decades when it's very much not you. I think I need to be in the Upper Midwest or New England. This is just not my place.

Thankfully my DH doesn't think these feelings are unreasonable, and even though he's pretty tied to this area for work, we are starting to work on a plan to move in the next 6 years or so, because while there are good things about his job, it is not worth me being miserable for decades.

You’re going to be miserable wherever you go. People with a capacity for happiness adapt and make the best of things. DC is not some hellish sh-hole. It’s hot and the mosquitoes suck. But insisting you will be miserable here for DECADES due solely to DC … well that’s about your mental health, not DC.

It would be one thing if a move is fairly low-risk and the other spouse isn’t missing much. But that’s not what OP describes.

NP. I loved where I grew up. I loved where I went to college. I moved to DC post college and hated it for 15 years. So did DH (who moved from somewhere else). It just felt like a place where we were passing 30 years until we could retire and move to the place we really wanted to be (and fwiw, both of us are highly successful DC type people). Anyhow, we moved to a fairly random place that was a total gamble, and I remember on the fourth day after we moved, having lunch with DH and saying that I loved the new place and unless something bizarre happened, I'd like to never move. Anyhow, 16 years later and we're still here and happy.

So no, I actually give a lot of credence to people who say they aren't happy in DC. It's a real thing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

the idea that OP should give up her well-paying, flexible job that she loves so her WFH husband can move to a rural area is just bonkers. Wrong on every level.

also the DC area is not “soul crushing.” we have access to lots of outdoor activities. if her DH isn’t getting out that is his fault. he’s blaming his malaise on DC (and now setting up a scenario where he gets to blame OP). he’s not 20. he needs to take responsibility for himself.

+1 so tired of these DMV haters. I didn’t grow up here but I love the DMV. Great food, lots of diversity, smart and ambitious people, mountains and ocean within a fairly reasonable drive, and four seasons. This is a fabulous area for runners too.

Sorry, I guess the DMV area can be okay if you are fabulously wealthy, enjoy being in your car for significant chunks of your day, and are hyper competitive in all aspects of your life. Oh, and also enjoy swamp like weather in the summer, cold gray winters, and the most sprawling development as far as the eye can see.

For everyone else it’s just one step up from a hell hole.

You just sound like a very negative person who would be unhappy anywhere.

I AM actually a generally negative person, but we moved out of the DMV and I have never been happier.

I am really glad so many of you enjoy that lifestyle, but for many of us it is truly awful. For example, the “fun places to hike and bike” generally necessitate that you first DRIVE to those places (unless as mentioned before you are wealthy enough to live in one of the genuinely walkable safe areas, which obviously most people are not). Some of us don’t want to commute to our leisure activities as well as our jobs.

Again, good for you if you like the DMV. A lot of people hate it for very good reason, and it sounds like OP’s husband is one of them, so taking the attitude that he is obligated to just suck it up and spend the next couple decades of his life in an area that makes him miserable is completely unfair.

Luckily it sounds like OP is far more reasonable than most of the DMV apologists on this thread, so they might have a chance.

Most of the people I know who live in rural/vacation areas drive a lot. And I’m sorry, if you have a burning need to live right on a lake or the beach, you should not have put down roots in a city and shaped your life around that.

Life is long, my friend. Feelings change. Circumstances change. Have you never tried anything thinking you’d enjoy it and then realized that you didn’t? Have you ever genuinely enjoyed something for awhile, but then slowly stopped enjoying it?

Because his wife has a job she loves in DC, that means he has to stay here forever no matter how much he hates it? There is absolutely no room for compromise because he decided to live in this area however many years ago?

This is rigid thinking and I suspect it is coming from a place of deep anxiety. The same kind of anxious thinking that would lead someone to think that 160K “doesn’t go far anywhere” as one PP said. And while the husband says he wants rural, there are of course many options in between city/suburb and completely rural that could potentially satisfy both of them (small town in a nice location, maybe?)

Yes, to all of this. The people who are adamant that this guy should just "suck it up" for the next 10-15 years either have marriage issues or are overly defensive of the DMV. OP doesn't even feel that way and she's the one who would actually have to move.

It is incredibly hard to live in a place where you just don't feel happy or like you belong. I have felt that way in the DMV for about a decade, and it's really hard. My DH very much wants to stay but we have finally started talking about leaving and trying to find a compromise elsewhere that meets both our needs, because it's just incredibly hard on my mental health to be somewhere that doesn't feel good to me. That doesn't mean this is a bad place. It means it's not right for me.

There is sometimes an attitude here (you find it in NY too) that if you don't like some aspect of the DMV, the problem is YOU. But come on. One of the biggest things I struggle with here is the weather. I come from a dry climate with real winters. I actually like rain and inclement weather, but before I moved here I had no idea that "hot rain" was a thing, having never lived in a very humid or tropical environment. This is not a knock on people who live here and love it -- I think many of you are just more acclimated to this weather and maybe have bodies that deal better with it? I am uncomfortable much of the year and then get depressed in the winter when it's just gray and bleak but there is no snow. Every year, year after year.

There are other things about the area that are hard for me. But like the weather, that doesn't mean I'm saying this is a horrible area for everyone. I'm not Type A, I'm not career driven, I struggle with people who have "sharp elbows" and that stuff is part of the culture here. That's fine if that's you, but it's hard to live and work among it for decades when it's very much not you. I think I need to be in the Upper Midwest or New England. This is just not my place.

Thankfully my DH doesn't think these feelings are unreasonable, and even though he's pretty tied to this area for work, we are starting to work on a plan to move in the next 6 years or so, because while there are good things about his job, it is not worth me being miserable for decades.

You’re going to be miserable wherever you go. People with a capacity for happiness adapt and make the best of things. DC is not some hellish sh-hole. It’s hot and the mosquitoes suck. But insisting you will be miserable here for DECADES due solely to DC … well that’s about your mental health, not DC.

It would be one thing if a move is fairly low-risk and the other spouse isn’t missing much. But that’s not what OP describes.

That's not fair. We left DC because I was so miserable with the weather, and my husband was just miserable, and we are actually much happier in our new place. It's not even new anymore = we've been here for almost 9 years. It just suits us better, day to day. And it's certainly, CERTAINLY not without its own issues - but, yes, we are happier. We're just lucky that we were on the same page about wanting to move, and on the same page about where we wanted to move to - and were both able to move with remote jobs we could take with us. Being aligned like that makes it much less of a hard choice! I just don't know how you do this if only one person wants to go, one person really wants to stay - and also that person can't take a job they love with them. I don't know if there is a good option, basically!

I will say - if we were staying in DC, we'd considered moving to Fredericksburg, because it seemed smaller and more relaxed, and closer to a lot of nature. It's not Vermont, but it might be worth looking at. Or Harper's Ferry.

Good luck, OP - this sounds hard, and I think it's really good of you to even consider this move.

Did one of you give up a career you loved and more than half of your HHI?

No, and that's exactly what I said. That our situation was much easier. I ws just responding to the person who basically said if he's unhappy in DC, he'll be unhappy everywhere. That may or may not be the case for OP's husband. It wasn't for us. But perhaps his happiness isn't the most important thing, since he has a family to consider here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also didn’t the OP mention her marriage was on shaky ground? Sorry if that was a different post. Snowballs chance in hell I’d give up my house, stable job and 200k+ income to move somewhere I don’t have a job, that my income potential is way lower, they we may not like and that might not fix my marriage. Divorce in Vermont and you hate it? Have fun living there on a diminished income with a higher mortgage rate until the kids are 18.

Yeah I feel like this is the real crux here. If she and her husband aren't solid, then no way. Too much of a gamble for her.

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

the idea that OP should give up her well-paying, flexible job that she loves so her WFH husband can move to a rural area is just bonkers. Wrong on every level.

also the DC area is not “soul crushing.” we have access to lots of outdoor activities. if her DH isn’t getting out that is his fault. he’s blaming his malaise on DC (and now setting up a scenario where he gets to blame OP). he’s not 20. he needs to take responsibility for himself.

+1 so tired of these DMV haters. I didn’t grow up here but I love the DMV. Great food, lots of diversity, smart and ambitious people, mountains and ocean within a fairly reasonable drive, and four seasons. This is a fabulous area for runners too.

Sorry, I guess the DMV area can be okay if you are fabulously wealthy, enjoy being in your car for significant chunks of your day, and are hyper competitive in all aspects of your life. Oh, and also enjoy swamp like weather in the summer, cold gray winters, and the most sprawling development as far as the eye can see.

For everyone else it’s just one step up from a hell hole.

You just sound like a very negative person who would be unhappy anywhere.

I AM actually a generally negative person, but we moved out of the DMV and I have never been happier.

I am really glad so many of you enjoy that lifestyle, but for many of us it is truly awful. For example, the “fun places to hike and bike” generally necessitate that you first DRIVE to those places (unless as mentioned before you are wealthy enough to live in one of the genuinely walkable safe areas, which obviously most people are not). Some of us don’t want to commute to our leisure activities as well as our jobs.

Again, good for you if you like the DMV. A lot of people hate it for very good reason, and it sounds like OP’s husband is one of them, so taking the attitude that he is obligated to just suck it up and spend the next couple decades of his life in an area that makes him miserable is completely unfair.

Luckily it sounds like OP is far more reasonable than most of the DMV apologists on this thread, so they might have a chance.

Most of the people I know who live in rural/vacation areas drive a lot. And I’m sorry, if you have a burning need to live right on a lake or the beach, you should not have put down roots in a city and shaped your life around that.

Life is long, my friend. Feelings change. Circumstances change. Have you never tried anything thinking you’d enjoy it and then realized that you didn’t? Have you ever genuinely enjoyed something for awhile, but then slowly stopped enjoying it?

Because his wife has a job she loves in DC, that means he has to stay here forever no matter how much he hates it? There is absolutely no room for compromise because he decided to live in this area however many years ago?

This is rigid thinking and I suspect it is coming from a place of deep anxiety. The same kind of anxious thinking that would lead someone to think that 160K “doesn’t go far anywhere” as one PP said. And while the husband says he wants rural, there are of course many options in between city/suburb and completely rural that could potentially satisfy both of them (small town in a nice location, maybe?)

Yes, to all of this. The people who are adamant that this guy should just "suck it up" for the next 10-15 years either have marriage issues or are overly defensive of the DMV. OP doesn't even feel that way and she's the one who would actually have to move.

It is incredibly hard to live in a place where you just don't feel happy or like you belong. I have felt that way in the DMV for about a decade, and it's really hard. My DH very much wants to stay but we have finally started talking about leaving and trying to find a compromise elsewhere that meets both our needs, because it's just incredibly hard on my mental health to be somewhere that doesn't feel good to me. That doesn't mean this is a bad place. It means it's not right for me.

There is sometimes an attitude here (you find it in NY too) that if you don't like some aspect of the DMV, the problem is YOU. But come on. One of the biggest things I struggle with here is the weather. I come from a dry climate with real winters. I actually like rain and inclement weather, but before I moved here I had no idea that "hot rain" was a thing, having never lived in a very humid or tropical environment. This is not a knock on people who live here and love it -- I think many of you are just more acclimated to this weather and maybe have bodies that deal better with it? I am uncomfortable much of the year and then get depressed in the winter when it's just gray and bleak but there is no snow. Every year, year after year.

There are other things about the area that are hard for me. But like the weather, that doesn't mean I'm saying this is a horrible area for everyone. I'm not Type A, I'm not career driven, I struggle with people who have "sharp elbows" and that stuff is part of the culture here. That's fine if that's you, but it's hard to live and work among it for decades when it's very much not you. I think I need to be in the Upper Midwest or New England. This is just not my place.

Thankfully my DH doesn't think these feelings are unreasonable, and even though he's pretty tied to this area for work, we are starting to work on a plan to move in the next 6 years or so, because while there are good things about his job, it is not worth me being miserable for decades.

You’re going to be miserable wherever you go. People with a capacity for happiness adapt and make the best of things. DC is not some hellish sh-hole. It’s hot and the mosquitoes suck. But insisting you will be miserable here for DECADES due solely to DC … well that’s about your mental health, not DC.

It would be one thing if a move is fairly low-risk and the other spouse isn’t missing much. But that’s not what OP describes.

NP. I loved where I grew up. I loved where I went to college. I moved to DC post college and hated it for 15 years. So did DH (who moved from somewhere else). It just felt like a place where we were passing 30 years until we could retire and move to the place we really wanted to be (and fwiw, both of us are highly successful DC type people). Anyhow, we moved to a fairly random place that was a total gamble, and I remember on the fourth day after we moved, having lunch with DH and saying that I loved the new place and unless something bizarre happened, I'd like to never move. Anyhow, 16 years later and we're still here and happy.

So no, I actually give a lot of credence to people who say they aren't happy in DC. It's a real thing.

Of course it is. Just like there are people who move to rural areas or small towns and discover it's really not for them and don't feel good until they move.

For some reason PPs have just decided that the DMV hits some perfect sweet spot where anyone can be happy here. There's no such place. And also: I was happy here for many years, but once I had kids I realized it's jut not where I want to raise my kids. I changed, my priorities changed, and now I feel confident I'd be happy somewhere else. We actually know a number of people who have made that shift and are happy now. This isn't some rare situation.

I wonder if it's something people tell themselves because they aren't happy but know they don't have the guts to move.

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

the idea that OP should give up her well-paying, flexible job that she loves so her WFH husband can move to a rural area is just bonkers. Wrong on every level.

also the DC area is not “soul crushing.” we have access to lots of outdoor activities. if her DH isn’t getting out that is his fault. he’s blaming his malaise on DC (and now setting up a scenario where he gets to blame OP). he’s not 20. he needs to take responsibility for himself.

+1 so tired of these DMV haters. I didn’t grow up here but I love the DMV. Great food, lots of diversity, smart and ambitious people, mountains and ocean within a fairly reasonable drive, and four seasons. This is a fabulous area for runners too.

Sorry, I guess the DMV area can be okay if you are fabulously wealthy, enjoy being in your car for significant chunks of your day, and are hyper competitive in all aspects of your life. Oh, and also enjoy swamp like weather in the summer, cold gray winters, and the most sprawling development as far as the eye can see.

For everyone else it’s just one step up from a hell hole.

You just sound like a very negative person who would be unhappy anywhere.

I AM actually a generally negative person, but we moved out of the DMV and I have never been happier.

I am really glad so many of you enjoy that lifestyle, but for many of us it is truly awful. For example, the “fun places to hike and bike” generally necessitate that you first DRIVE to those places (unless as mentioned before you are wealthy enough to live in one of the genuinely walkable safe areas, which obviously most people are not). Some of us don’t want to commute to our leisure activities as well as our jobs.

Again, good for you if you like the DMV. A lot of people hate it for very good reason, and it sounds like OP’s husband is one of them, so taking the attitude that he is obligated to just suck it up and spend the next couple decades of his life in an area that makes him miserable is completely unfair.

Luckily it sounds like OP is far more reasonable than most of the DMV apologists on this thread, so they might have a chance.

Most of the people I know who live in rural/vacation areas drive a lot. And I’m sorry, if you have a burning need to live right on a lake or the beach, you should not have put down roots in a city and shaped your life around that.

Life is long, my friend. Feelings change. Circumstances change. Have you never tried anything thinking you’d enjoy it and then realized that you didn’t? Have you ever genuinely enjoyed something for awhile, but then slowly stopped enjoying it?

Because his wife has a job she loves in DC, that means he has to stay here forever no matter how much he hates it? There is absolutely no room for compromise because he decided to live in this area however many years ago?

This is rigid thinking and I suspect it is coming from a place of deep anxiety. The same kind of anxious thinking that would lead someone to think that 160K “doesn’t go far anywhere” as one PP said. And while the husband says he wants rural, there are of course many options in between city/suburb and completely rural that could potentially satisfy both of them (small town in a nice location, maybe?)

Yes, to all of this. The people who are adamant that this guy should just "suck it up" for the next 10-15 years either have marriage issues or are overly defensive of the DMV. OP doesn't even feel that way and she's the one who would actually have to move.

It is incredibly hard to live in a place where you just don't feel happy or like you belong. I have felt that way in the DMV for about a decade, and it's really hard. My DH very much wants to stay but we have finally started talking about leaving and trying to find a compromise elsewhere that meets both our needs, because it's just incredibly hard on my mental health to be somewhere that doesn't feel good to me. That doesn't mean this is a bad place. It means it's not right for me.

There is sometimes an attitude here (you find it in NY too) that if you don't like some aspect of the DMV, the problem is YOU. But come on. One of the biggest things I struggle with here is the weather. I come from a dry climate with real winters. I actually like rain and inclement weather, but before I moved here I had no idea that "hot rain" was a thing, having never lived in a very humid or tropical environment. This is not a knock on people who live here and love it -- I think many of you are just more acclimated to this weather and maybe have bodies that deal better with it? I am uncomfortable much of the year and then get depressed in the winter when it's just gray and bleak but there is no snow. Every year, year after year.

There are other things about the area that are hard for me. But like the weather, that doesn't mean I'm saying this is a horrible area for everyone. I'm not Type A, I'm not career driven, I struggle with people who have "sharp elbows" and that stuff is part of the culture here. That's fine if that's you, but it's hard to live and work among it for decades when it's very much not you. I think I need to be in the Upper Midwest or New England. This is just not my place.

Thankfully my DH doesn't think these feelings are unreasonable, and even though he's pretty tied to this area for work, we are starting to work on a plan to move in the next 6 years or so, because while there are good things about his job, it is not worth me being miserable for decades.

You’re going to be miserable wherever you go. People with a capacity for happiness adapt and make the best of things. DC is not some hellish sh-hole. It’s hot and the mosquitoes suck. But insisting you will be miserable here for DECADES due solely to DC … well that’s about your mental health, not DC.

It would be one thing if a move is fairly low-risk and the other spouse isn’t missing much. But that’s not what OP describes.

NP. I loved where I grew up. I loved where I went to college. I moved to DC post college and hated it for 15 years. So did DH (who moved from somewhere else). It just felt like a place where we were passing 30 years until we could retire and move to the place we really wanted to be (and fwiw, both of us are highly successful DC type people). Anyhow, we moved to a fairly random place that was a total gamble, and I remember on the fourth day after we moved, having lunch with DH and saying that I loved the new place and unless something bizarre happened, I'd like to never move. Anyhow, 16 years later and we're still here and happy.

So no, I actually give a lot of credence to people who say they aren't happy in DC. It's a real thing.

Can I ask, where did you move? Your post really resonated with me. I loved my home town, college town, grad school town. But I feel like I'm just waiting until I can retire and leave the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

I’m not so sure. One thing about DC is that there are jobs here that simply don’t exist elsewhere, and once you are in them for a while your resume doesn’t really have an appeal to a traditional market. This goes double for certain federal jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Same exact job, no. But there are labs all across the US. Especially near research hospitals. There are also labs at colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

I’m not so sure. One thing about DC is that there are jobs here that simply don’t exist elsewhere, and once you are in them for a while your resume doesn’t really have an appeal to a traditional market. This goes double for certain federal jobs.

I disagree. This is the typical opinion of someone who has lived in DC a long time and is mostly living around government workers.

At the very least, you can look into state government jobs or jobs at local colleges and universities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

:D I mean she has yet to land a job out of bumblef*ck or launch a business in bumblef*ck, but she thinks it should be sooo easy to make $150k there. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

:D I mean she has yet to land a job out of bumblef*ck or launch a business in bumblef*ck, but she thinks it should be sooo easy to make $150k there. Lol

I didn’t see her salary. What is it?

The fact you keep referring to other lovely places as bumble*ck makes me think you’re extremely biased and are unaware of opportunities outside of DC based jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would be best for your child, though? Would your child have as many opportunities in these rural areas as they do here?

In the right rural area they could have more opportunities. More outdoor activities and easier access to sports without wait lists. Perhaps there are better in-state school options. It really depends on where OP is looking to move.