What are the best years to stay at home (SAHM)?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

You are the one that is not hearing. That's great for you and your friends, but not every profession/industry can accommodate being at home "most days." Some jobs require you to choose between working and being at home in time to do all the driving.
Would you go to a dentist that had to leave mid filling to drive her kid to soccer practice?

My dentist closes at 4:30, so yeah. I literally don’t know anyone who stays home to “drive to activities.” The women I know who stay home with teens do so because they don’t want to work and no other reason. They don’t make up dumb excuses no one believes. But you do you.

So who is picking up your dentist's kid when band rehersal ends at 3:30, the way my kid's does?

Their spouse? The activity bus? A carpool? Lots of options. Not everyone has no friends and an absentee spouse. Use some imagination.

Doesn't the spouse have to work? What activity bus? Not all schools have an activity bus.
Carpool? Don't THOSE people work?

Lots and lots and lots of people can do a school run in the middle of a work day. You really don’t know ANY? Almost every family I know can do this. I’m an ES teacher and my work day ends at 2:45. Again, use your brain.

You are a teacher? I weep for our youth. Use YOUR brain teacher! Not every school gets out at 2:45.

DP - come on. This problem is solvable. I get that you want to throw out every hypothetical and tell us how we must not actually doing it, we must be failing our kids, but we’re not. It actually is possible to work FT and support your kids and be a good parent. If someone chooses not to work, super. Have at it. But stop cutting down those of us who do.

It is for you. Not for me at this stage in life. Everybody is different and has different circumstances, options, capabilities, etc.

I noticed that somebody said that those who can be with their kids while they aren’t at school and still have full-time jobs made choices/sacrifices that gave them that flexibility. When you talk about how SAHMs of kids in school are just making excuses for not working, think about the fact that not everybody made those same smart choices that you did.

I agree at this point you are lacking the problem solving skills most people are looking for. Sorry you are “forced” not work and didn’t “make smart choices.”

Thank you for your sympathy. I have been staying from the start of this thread that I wish I had established a career so that I would have more flexibility now. But BC failed when I was in law school, and there were a lot of non-traditional students who were getting their degrees and starting kick-A legal careers when their kids were in high school. They all highly recommended staying at home during the younger years because the teen years were so flexible. Well now here I am, with essentially fifteen years out of the workforce, two kids (including a teenager with severe mental health issues), and a husband with a really demanding job. That coupled with a chronic illness and a decently heavy schlepping schedule make it so that no, I personally cannot be the mom my kids need me to be and work full-time. I’m happy for you that you made different choices, and I am grateful that my husband makes enough money to enable me to focus the bulk of my energies on being a good mom.

I am sorry for your situation, but this is really a “you” problem and not a universal issue.

Well, the universal issue is that no two situations are and we all just have to make judgment calls about what best in any given situation or season of our lives. What is not universal is that anybody can work full-time and be a good mom, like PPs have been saying.

Nope, it actually is pretty universal. People figure it out, or make compromises, which is part of life. Only “special” people come up with excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

You are the one that is not hearing. That's great for you and your friends, but not every profession/industry can accommodate being at home "most days." Some jobs require you to choose between working and being at home in time to do all the driving.
Would you go to a dentist that had to leave mid filling to drive her kid to soccer practice?

My dentist closes at 4:30, so yeah. I literally don’t know anyone who stays home to “drive to activities.” The women I know who stay home with teens do so because they don’t want to work and no other reason. They don’t make up dumb excuses no one believes. But you do you.

So who is picking up your dentist's kid when band rehersal ends at 3:30, the way my kid's does?

Their spouse? The activity bus? A carpool? Lots of options. Not everyone has no friends and an absentee spouse. Use some imagination.

+1. Also, paid help like a FT nanny, college babysitter, or au pair.

But honestly, the school usually takes care of it. They either have a late bus, or an area where kids can do their homework while waiting to be picked up. The women in this region tend to be well educated and prefer to return to work after their kids start school. The schools get it and accommodate it.

[Anonymous]

My kids are in high school now. And in retrospect, here's how I would have done it

0-5 stay at home/part time

5-14 full time

14-18 part time

With three kids, your timing is going to be all over the map, but kids need full time parents the most ages 0-5 and then again in high school. O

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

You are the one that is not hearing. That's great for you and your friends, but not every profession/industry can accommodate being at home "most days." Some jobs require you to choose between working and being at home in time to do all the driving.
Would you go to a dentist that had to leave mid filling to drive her kid to soccer practice?

My dentist closes at 4:30, so yeah. I literally don’t know anyone who stays home to “drive to activities.” The women I know who stay home with teens do so because they don’t want to work and no other reason. They don’t make up dumb excuses no one believes. But you do you.

So who is picking up your dentist's kid when band rehersal ends at 3:30, the way my kid's does?

Their spouse? The activity bus? A carpool? Lots of options. Not everyone has no friends and an absentee spouse. Use some imagination.

Doesn't the spouse have to work? What activity bus? Not all schools have an activity bus.
Carpool? Don't THOSE people work?

Lots and lots and lots of people can do a school run in the middle of a work day. You really don’t know ANY? Almost every family I know can do this. I’m an ES teacher and my work day ends at 2:45. Again, use your brain.

You are a teacher? I weep for our youth. Use YOUR brain teacher! Not every school gets out at 2:45.

DP - come on. This problem is solvable. I get that you want to throw out every hypothetical and tell us how we must not actually doing it, we must be failing our kids, but we’re not. It actually is possible to work FT and support your kids and be a good parent. If someone chooses not to work, super. Have at it. But stop cutting down those of us who do.

It is for you. Not for me at this stage in life. Everybody is different and has different circumstances, options, capabilities, etc.

I noticed that somebody said that those who can be with their kids while they aren’t at school and still have full-time jobs made choices/sacrifices that gave them that flexibility. When you talk about how SAHMs of kids in school are just making excuses for not working, think about the fact that not everybody made those same smart choices that you did.

I agree at this point you are lacking the problem solving skills most people are looking for. Sorry you are “forced” not work and didn’t “make smart choices.”

Thank you for your sympathy. I have been staying from the start of this thread that I wish I had established a career so that I would have more flexibility now. But BC failed when I was in law school, and there were a lot of non-traditional students who were getting their degrees and starting kick-A legal careers when their kids were in high school. They all highly recommended staying at home during the younger years because the teen years were so flexible. Well now here I am, with essentially fifteen years out of the workforce, two kids (including a teenager with severe mental health issues), and a husband with a really demanding job. That coupled with a chronic illness and a decently heavy schlepping schedule make it so that no, I personally cannot be the mom my kids need me to be and work full-time. I’m happy for you that you made different choices, and I am grateful that my husband makes enough money to enable me to focus the bulk of my energies on being a good mom.

I am sorry for your situation, but this is really a “you” problem and not a universal issue.

Well, the universal issue is that no two situations are and we all just have to make judgment calls about what best in any given situation or season of our lives. What is not universal is that anybody can work full-time and be a good mom, like PPs have been saying.

Nope, it actually is pretty universal. People figure it out, or make compromises, which is part of life. Only “special” people come up with excuses.

It is possible to have 2 full time working parents, but it’s not actually easy. You give up most of your free personal time for years on end (working during the day, then shuttling kids around, making dinner, helping with homework in the evening.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can hire a nanny for the first few years, I would say the most important time is elementary school.
If you have a good nanny, it makes no difference who is taking care of them. Your nanny can change diapers, feed, burp, nap just as well as you do (in my case even better).

In K though is when I think a parent’s role becomes important. That is when you start really raising them, helping them grow, give emotional support, etc. My kids really need ME in elementary school. They did not need me specifically when they were younger, but just a loving and patient adult who took good care of their physical needs.

Just as long as she was stable, competent and loving. Few parents are so lucky. Most parents seems to be fixated on how to make the nanny keep working during child’s nap time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

I am the pp who said that busy kids stay out of trouble. I did not mention anything about working parents. My oldest is in middle school and the vast majority of his friends’ parents work.

My child hangs out with the high achieving crowd. Most of his friends seem to be very good at something whether it be orchestra, band, ice hockey, tennis, basketball, baseball or swimming. If you are a competitive gymnast or ice hockey player, you are going to practice 5+ times per week and practice times don’t cater to working schedules like a person posted above. Anyone with a teen who does any sport or activity at a competitive level knows they need to be driven.

I have kids who have done science Olympiad at 2:30, sports practice at 4, swim practice at 10am during summers, tennis matches at 9:30am or 2:00pm. Of course my kids could not do these activities but activities absolutely do not cater to working parents’ schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can hire a nanny for the first few years, I would say the most important time is elementary school.
If you have a good nanny, it makes no difference who is taking care of them. Your nanny can change diapers, feed, burp, nap just as well as you do (in my case even better).

In K though is when I think a parent’s role becomes important. That is when you start really raising them, helping them grow, give emotional support, etc. My kids really need ME in elementary school. They did not need me specifically when they were younger, but just a loving and patient adult who took good care of their physical needs.

Just as long as she was stable, competent and loving. Few parents are so lucky. Most parents seems to be fixated on how to make the nanny keep working during child’s nap time.

Do people really think a nanny can be a replacement for a mother and all they do is burp and change diapers? That is really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to be a SAHM for some portion of my kids’ childhood, probably 5-10 years total. We have two toddlers now and a third on the way. Both spouses work full time. Issues of re-entering the workforce aside, for those of you who have done it, what years are best for staying at home? Would you recommend staying home to savor the infant years with the last baby or wait for the middle school years when pre-teens/teens might need more parental support? Or elementary school years when there are more opportunities to volunteer at school and be involved with play/activities? Or other?

5th/6th/7th/8th/9th/10th/11th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. I’m not sure if it is a strategy but I think busy kids tend to stay out of trouble. My kids play sports, play an instrument, we travel, I help organize social gatherings since none of my kids can drive.

Starting in middle school, kids get into trouble with vaping and drugs. I don’t want my kids to do drugs as their extracurricular activities.

That's very, very sad. All I wanted to do at those ages was run around with my neighborhood friends and be a kid. I don't think busy equals better behaved. I'd kids want to do drugs/drink they will no matter what. Also, busy kids don't learn how to entertain themselves without causing trouble or excessive screen time.

So what does lead to vaping and drug use with teens? I think back to OP’s question, there could be an argument that being home during the middle school years would allow you to be more involved and have more knowledge as to what they are doing and curb the drug use if it starts.

But that’s what we are saying and you are not hearing. I am home when my kids are home. And I work. And same with all my friends. My husband works too and he’s home most days too. We are on it, don’t you worry.

You are the one that is not hearing. That's great for you and your friends, but not every profession/industry can accommodate being at home "most days." Some jobs require you to choose between working and being at home in time to do all the driving.
Would you go to a dentist that had to leave mid filling to drive her kid to soccer practice?

My dentist closes at 4:30, so yeah. I literally don’t know anyone who stays home to “drive to activities.” The women I know who stay home with teens do so because they don’t want to work and no other reason. They don’t make up dumb excuses no one believes. But you do you.

So who is picking up your dentist's kid when band rehersal ends at 3:30, the way my kid's does?

Their spouse? The activity bus? A carpool? Lots of options. Not everyone has no friends and an absentee spouse. Use some imagination.

Doesn't the spouse have to work? What activity bus? Not all schools have an activity bus.
Carpool? Don't THOSE people work?

Lots and lots and lots of people can do a school run in the middle of a work day. You really don’t know ANY? Almost every family I know can do this. I’m an ES teacher and my work day ends at 2:45. Again, use your brain.

You are a teacher? I weep for our youth. Use YOUR brain teacher! Not every school gets out at 2:45.

DP - come on. This problem is solvable. I get that you want to throw out every hypothetical and tell us how we must not actually doing it, we must be failing our kids, but we’re not. It actually is possible to work FT and support your kids and be a good parent. If someone chooses not to work, super. Have at it. But stop cutting down those of us who do.

It is for you. Not for me at this stage in life. Everybody is different and has different circumstances, options, capabilities, etc.

I noticed that somebody said that those who can be with their kids while they aren’t at school and still have full-time jobs made choices/sacrifices that gave them that flexibility. When you talk about how SAHMs of kids in school are just making excuses for not working, think about the fact that not everybody made those same smart choices that you did.

I agree at this point you are lacking the problem solving skills most people are looking for. Sorry you are “forced” not work and didn’t “make smart choices.”

Thank you for your sympathy. I have been staying from the start of this thread that I wish I had established a career so that I would have more flexibility now. But BC failed when I was in law school, and there were a lot of non-traditional students who were getting their degrees and starting kick-A legal careers when their kids were in high school. They all highly recommended staying at home during the younger years because the teen years were so flexible. Well now here I am, with essentially fifteen years out of the workforce, two kids (including a teenager with severe mental health issues), and a husband with a really demanding job. That coupled with a chronic illness and a decently heavy schlepping schedule make it so that no, I personally cannot be the mom my kids need me to be and work full-time. I’m happy for you that you made different choices, and I am grateful that my husband makes enough money to enable me to focus the bulk of my energies on being a good mom.

I am sorry for your situation, but this is really a “you” problem and not a universal issue.

Well, the universal issue is that no two situations are and we all just have to make judgment calls about what best in any given situation or season of our lives. What is not universal is that anybody can work full-time and be a good mom, like PPs have been saying.

Nope, it actually is pretty universal. People figure it out, or make compromises, which is part of life. Only “special” people come up with excuses.

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There are literally articles and books written on this every week by successful working moms talking about how hard this is: Mary Louise Kelly just wrote a great one: ‘it goes so fast’ about being stuck abroad with a very sick kid at home. She’s not a ‘special’ person and, yes, she took off for a few years on and off when she felt her kids needed her. And it was hard because she loved and obviously excels at her job!

Let’s not gaslight working or sahm moms and pretend it’s easy. It’s not.

In my experience public schools do not provide transport for after school activities and practices. It’s tough to find a sitter who will cover just those hours. Some aftercare programs are amazing and absolutely worth it, but not most. I think flexible, wfh, and/or part time options are essential for working moms and I am thrilled to see more companies doing that since the pandemic. Mostly these are for umc, highly educated women we should note.

I frequently tell people to buy a house on one salary if they want to have kids. Yes this usually means a townhouse/condo or long commute. Yet despite this for most women I also recommend you keep your foot in the working door but look for highly flexible jobs. Or even some independent contract work if that’s all you can manage for a few hours a week, or even volunteer work in a career building field. It’s important that you and your family have a second possible job track to fall back on and I think it also becomes an identity issue too when it feels like your mom/wife roles are swallowing you up or when your kids leave. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

0-5 (or until school starts) is the best bang for your buck as the kids are actually home all day.

You are saving on childcare costs (especially with multiple children) and you are still actively engaged in parenting responsiblity and contributing to the family - which is important for the kids and the marriage relationsihp.

Kids cost money to raise - they need housing and food and clothes and activities and families like cars and vacations and many wants that aren't needs. Both parents should be contributing to this. The idea that an adult shirks and absolves themselves of all financial responsibility for themselves and their children is no different to me than an adult who shirks and absolves themselves of all childcare or all domestic work in a family.

So to have 6 hours of free time / me time every day while the kids are at school while the other parent works full time to take on 100% of all financial responsibilities of having children isn't an example I would set for my kids nor one that would create an equal marriage.

[Anonymous]

I am a WFH mom of two elementary aged kids. I have stayed home all their lives with part time work from home and will be looking for full time work this fall however it fills me with anxiety to think of not being there when my kids get home from school in middle school and beyond. I need to find a work from home job that lets me receive them around 330, maybe work a little extra and then have the afternoon to take them to activities, Really focus in on them and be sure they have a Caring adult present. Your kids will never remember the babies they had as toddlers, the time in bar T or school before and after care the way they will coming home in middle and high school to empty houses and idle time they can fill with laziness, bad influences, drugs, and porn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0-5 (or until school starts) is the best bang for your buck as the kids are actually home all day.

…

So to have 6 hours of free time / me time every day while the kids are at school while the other parent works full time to take on 100% of all financial responsibilities of having children isn't an example I would set for my kids nor one that would create an equal marriage.

So I have been with my husband for 24 years and married for 15. As a SAHM let me tell you I do not have 6 hrs free time/me time every day. I get the kids off to school at 9:15 (late bell school) and it’s a race to do my part time job, clean up after breakfast, do all the housework be it laundry, Cleaning, organizing. Do our food planning, be it shopping prep or cooking, organize kids sports and activities and all kid related things (kids are insanely busy and need extra support that only I can provide), I manage important items for my elderly parents and manage our rental properties, get in a quick home improvement project or help at the kids school and they are home and we are ferrying them to activities. My husband helps with child care and housework as he is able to always but he also gets to go to every work dinner and event without worrying about coordinating childcare. With my small contribution and his rising salary we are in the high six figures and there is real peace and stability in our home. Not sure I see that as much in the two parent full time work out of the home scenarios. It gets crazy.

[Anonymous]

+1. I’m a SAHM and I definitely don’t have 6 free hours to myself. Usually 1-2, but not 6. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and pets don’t take care of themselves. Part of the value to me is that my family isn’t inconvenienced by chores and my stuff over the weekend (gym, lunch with friends, etc). I can take care of them on the weekend knowing I have time to go the gym and work on house projects while they’re at work/school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:0-5 (or until school starts) is the best bang for your buck as the kids are actually home all day.

…

So to have 6 hours of free time / me time every day while the kids are at school while the other parent works full time to take on 100% of all financial responsibilities of having children isn't an example I would set for my kids nor one that would create an equal marriage.

So I have been with my husband for 24 years and married for 15. As a SAHM let me tell you I do not have 6 hrs free time/me time every day. I get the kids off to school at 9:15 (late bell school) and it’s a race to do my part time job, clean up after breakfast, do all the housework be it laundry, Cleaning, organizing. Do our food planning, be it shopping prep or cooking, organize kids sports and activities and all kid related things (kids are insanely busy and need extra support that only I can provide), I manage important items for my elderly parents and manage our rental properties, get in a quick home improvement project or help at the kids school and they are home and we are ferrying them to activities. My husband helps with child care and housework as he is able to always but he also gets to go to every work dinner and event without worrying about coordinating childcare. With my small contribution and his rising salary we are in the high six figures and there is real peace and stability in our home. Not sure I see that as much in the two parent full time work out of the home scenarios. It gets crazy.

Guessing you don’t know many couples that both have cushy WFH jobs. Our neighborhood is full of them and nothing is remotely “crazy.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:0-5 (or until school starts) is the best bang for your buck as the kids are actually home all day.

…

So to have 6 hours of free time / me time every day while the kids are at school while the other parent works full time to take on 100% of all financial responsibilities of having children isn't an example I would set for my kids nor one that would create an equal marriage.

So I have been with my husband for 24 years and married for 15. As a SAHM let me tell you I do not have 6 hrs free time/me time every day. I get the kids off to school at 9:15 (late bell school) and it’s a race to do my part time job, clean up after breakfast, do all the housework be it laundry, Cleaning, organizing. Do our food planning, be it shopping prep or cooking, organize kids sports and activities and all kid related things (kids are insanely busy and need extra support that only I can provide), I manage important items for my elderly parents and manage our rental properties, get in a quick home improvement project or help at the kids school and they are home and we are ferrying them to activities. My husband helps with child care and housework as he is able to always but he also gets to go to every work dinner and event without worrying about coordinating childcare. With my small contribution and his rising salary we are in the high six figures and there is real peace and stability in our home. Not sure I see that as much in the two parent full time work out of the home scenarios. It gets crazy.

.

But this is not really sahm, you have a part time job and are a property manager.