How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope someone sees my question and can answer.

If you have been in a long term marriage with someone with HFASD, I realize that labels weren't as ubiquitous or clear decades ago. There were only limited descriptors of autism, codes, therapy, symptoms. In fact, men who were in math and science, engineering, were completely lumped into a behavioral category of their own- completely accepted as normal- but not at all for women, interestingly enough. It's still that way somewhat. That, I believed helped define what autism could look like when we realized women presented neurodivergence differently. Why? Women were not accepted in the same way as men.

So, if you, though, are married to a man who would be or is dxed with an ASD descriptor, what was his relationship with his parents? What kinds of things did they do for their son, or was it more of a codependency where it was what it was and he was thought of just as quirky? Was one of the parents also ASD?

How did it look going forward after your marriage with his parents?

My ex has four people in his family who have autism. The only one actually diagnosed is his sister's son, but it is pretty clear now looking back which family members had or have it. The family is very close to the point of being too close and fearful of the outside world and there is a lot of codependency in terms of just doing things for the men and being pretty strict with what they did. No one was allowed to leave home to go to college. The women kind of ran the show at home and the family was very traditional. The men worked and then watched TV after work or did some other singular task. It was just accepted that these men would be quiet and wouldn't do much around the house or much with their kids or wives. There might be one task a day they would do for the family and there would be a lot of praise for doing it. No one ever argued. Some of the other men in the family were very talkative making up for the quieter ones.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

That's not really a nice way to talk to anyone...

That’s not really a nice way to eat with anyone…

Then don't eat with him...

That’s rude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope someone sees my question and can answer.

If you have been in a long term marriage with someone with HFASD, I realize that labels weren't as ubiquitous or clear decades ago. There were only limited descriptors of autism, codes, therapy, symptoms. In fact, men who were in math and science, engineering, were completely lumped into a behavioral category of their own- completely accepted as normal- but not at all for women, interestingly enough. It's still that way somewhat. That, I believed helped define what autism could look like when we realized women presented neurodivergence differently. Why? Women were not accepted in the same way as men.

So, if you, though, are married to a man who would be or is dxed with an ASD descriptor, what was his relationship with his parents? What kinds of things did they do for their son, or was it more of a codependency where it was what it was and he was thought of just as quirky? Was one of the parents also ASD?

How did it look going forward after your marriage with his parents?

His relationship with his parents is perfunctory and check the box. Communication is poor. I used to think he was just private but he doesn’t tell them anything. Society told him he must call them, yet they talk about nothing going on so start reading aloud a new article.

The dad, uncles, cousins and brother all had it. Brother was dyslexic and “couldn’t focus on things he didn’t want to do.” The dad was an “accident prone, absent minded professor.” The mom is practically asd as well after 40 years of this. She quit her job to manage everything and tutor the youngest son. He is 40 and lives at home. Lots of codependency between the asd father and asd son, mother runs everything.

This is my spouses normal. He thinks other families that socialize, have holiday traditions, have kids in sports or activities, are all crazy. Anyone that does things differently than how he and his parents did is “crazy.”

His parents and brother are far away.

[Anonymous]

PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

Well then you and op should stfu and just speak to your husband's doctors and therapists instead of creating multiple threads to bash people with autism and getting mad when you're called out on your BS. The professionals have to tolerate your bs ( though I'm guessing they're tired of it too this your need to spee your hatred here) we don't have to tolerate your bs and we can call the lies out and I don't care if you don't like it

???

Classy but ???? Is this ASD Mom again you’re all talking about. Probably.

PP to whom this classy POS was responding. She’s lost her mind, and her super sensitive feels over someone else saying back off and let people talk it out shows how pathetically equipped she is to deal with this or any other crisis. Not a chance now that I’ll STFU, and my husband doesn’t have a doctor and isn’t on the spectrum NOR am I one of the posters alleging that he is! But if he was and I dared to raise it in this OPEN FORUM, she’d pitch a fit because it’s “advancing negative stereotypes” for asking about behaviors that she doesn’t think fit in the ASD bucket. I never even wrote anything about my spouse; I looked at the thread because I know several people on the spectrum and I was curious about the behaviors people are witnessing in their homes. There’s not an ounce of hatred or anger here, and she hasn’t “called me out” on one damn thing but she can keep trying. Good Lord, I simply said let people talk and stop controlling the dialogue. I’d ask how she thinks that that’s “spewing hatred” and “bashing people with autism” but I’d be foolish to expect a reasonable response from that harpy.

ok you sure seem like the sane one.

Thx ASD Mom. Luv ur last 6+ rapid fire posts. So spot on. Not.

I mean, “ASD Mom,” really? You make my point for me so well.

Anyway I’ve been on DCUM for quite awhile, and I don’t think I’ve ever read anything quite as unhinged as your screed. It honestly scared me a little.

Not sure which screed you’re referencing, as several people have responded to your screeching diatribes. You’ve lost all sense of reason in your frenzy to screech at everyone else. And Im not the one who called you ASD mom.

[Anonymous]

Plus she has a track record of harping the same slants on everything with adhd and asd. She once word searched those acronyms, carpet bombed all sorts of old posts on ASD with the same tropes (masking isn’t real!, how did you not know!?, that’s not ASD!), asks psychotic and then requests the old and new threads get deleted entirely.

She can’t stop herself. And she’s so predictable.

[Anonymous]

DH just got mad at me tonight because I needed something from him while he was working. He can’t multitask home and work, so when he’s working he has to be 100%. It’s super lonely and hard. I end up a the solo parent during those times PLUS doing my own work. He’s oblivious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plus she has a track record of harping the same slants on everything with adhd and asd. She once word searched those acronyms, carpet bombed all sorts of old posts on ASD with the same tropes (masking isn’t real!, how did you not know!?, that’s not ASD!), asks psychotic and then requests the old and new threads get deleted entirely.

She can’t stop herself. And she’s so predictable.

ok you’re getting really creepy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH just got mad at me tonight because I needed something from him while he was working. He can’t multitask home and work, so when he’s working he has to be 100%. It’s super lonely and hard. I end up a the solo parent during those times PLUS doing my own work. He’s oblivious.

That is annoying. Unless it's an emergency handle it yourself.
I think this is what some people are saying. You are here complaining about your husbands but you can't see your own flaws.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Shift gears, OP. You have to look out for yourself and your kids. I have seen posts like yours where the "Divorce, you idiot!" types come out, and they are relentless. In short, they want you to be AT LEAST as miserable as they are.

My best suggestion is to get help for yourself. Do for yourself. You are probably a doer and a giver, and certain types of people take advantage of that. Throw ASD in, and you could become overwhelmed very easily. You seriously need to watch out for you.

Most of our kids are older now, but through the years, DH has had his rages, and we know not to entertain them now. It was tough, because he would throw things and it would be bad. When he wasn't getting the attention he needed, he would drive recklessly with me in the car, once with one of the kids in the car. I told him he would lose everything, his job, his house, me, the kids - every last thing if that happened again, because I was going to the police. The older kids are totally in on his behaviors. His triangulation attempts did nothing for him.

You need someone on YOUR side.

DH is the most charming man I know - seriously, he should be a politician. No one in the community has any idea what we as a family go through, with DH. He will charm anyone, and he especially likes to be the good guy. Most of DH's behavior has to do with his uber dysfunctional family. They make my family look like Leave it to Beaver - it is crazy the sh*t that carries on, well into adult hood.

Now, DH knows that my respect for those who treated him the way they continue to do is zippo, zilch, zero, nada. And my tolerance for his shenanigans is exactly that, too. DH did not have any great, or even good role models growing up, and his parents were not close, warm or loving, they pretty much just existed. I rarely hear happy stories, just the same old stories ultimately making fun of....you guessed it...DH.

I try to plan for certain outings, and we are working our way up to small trips. Now that the kids are getting older, it will eventually be just me and him - he has to learn to deal with me, not the other way around.

If he is super charming while out and about, fine, but they are going to know what I have to deal with, too - eventually. He is not getting a free pass. That is what he responds to, so be it. He made his bed.

Your tolerance level has to decrease. Do not snap - do not fight fire with fire, do not harp, do not whine, beg or nag. Just be. Be factual, no nonsense: "I know what you are doing and it will not be tolerated". End story.

You are not alone, OP.

And as for the PP who is worried about their ASD kid being married - please, one thing at a time. Do not make another human their adult mother. Do YOUR job, be present, be attentive. Now.

This is OP
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I have been trying to do just what you suggested-look out for me.
It's hard because my nature is to care about others, but DH takes advantage of that.
I do love him, and he does try, but it's exhausting to have to explain everything to him over and over.
He does come from a dysfunctional family (narcissist mom, co-dependent dad).
He does put our kids' needs first, which his parents never did.
But my needs? Ha. When he remembers, but often he's so absorbed in work, he forgets I exist.
And yes, he is charming. He knows how to charm people. All my friends think he's a wonderful husband.
But they don't see him at home, completely ignoring me and the kids, letting me do everything and contributing nothing.
That's what I don't understand: Why does he present his best self to the outside world, but at home he sinks into himself? At some level he knows he's making the choice to value the feelings of strangers and acquaintances far more than members of his own family.

Our therapist helped us reframe it as actually valuing family over strangers because with family it feels like a safe, secure place to relax and not be on guard.

And what did this reframing accomplish? Allow you to detach from expecting manners or attention or help from your spouse?

Just think of it as the invisible disability that it is.

Yes! The key is to have lower expectations and get your needs, whatever they may be, meet elsewhere

But that's not a marriage!
if you get your sexual needs met elsewhere, that's an affair. Does your ASD husband also have an affair? And if so, why do you stay together? What's the point?

Everyone needs independence, but a marriage is interdependent, not two people living separate lives under the same roof.

Has anyone made a marriage to an aspie work? And if so, how? I mean how do you get them to connect with you emotionally? Does this ever happen?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this.
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them.
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

Why not open marriage? Your kids are young. I wouldn't divorce if he's bringing in the money and not mean. If I could do it again, I would move close to family and have them help out and treat him more like the grandpa who lives with you. On his better days that's what it was like. Living with grandpa.l

This is OP.
I do not want an open marriage, whatever that means. It's not for me. I want a real marriage, and I'm not getting that now. I love him, and he can't love me back in the same way I love him. I know he loves me, but he lives in his own world. Is there any way to break into that world? That's what I'm looking for. I know he has feelings and emotions, but he can't express empathy. He has no idea what empathy is, even when described to him in detail. He tries, but is baffled by emotions, making a true emotional connection with another human being.
I want a marriage that works, despite his ASD/HFA/Aspergers. I'm getting from most posters that such a thing is not possible with an ASD husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this.
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them.
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

Why not open marriage? Your kids are young. I wouldn't divorce if he's bringing in the money and not mean. If I could do it again, I would move close to family and have them help out and treat him more like the grandpa who lives with you. On his better days that's what it was like. Living with grandpa.l

This is OP.
I do not want an open marriage, whatever that means. It's not for me. I want a real marriage, and I'm not getting that now. I love him, and he can't love me back in the same way I love him. I know he loves me, but he lives in his own world. Is there any way to break into that world? That's what I'm looking for. I know he has feelings and emotions, but he can't express empathy. He has no idea what empathy is, even when described to him in detail. He tries, but is baffled by emotions, making a true emotional connection with another human being.
I want a marriage that works, despite his ASD/HFA/Aspergers. I'm getting from most posters that such a thing is not possible with an ASD husband.

No, it's not really possible. This is who he is.
You can try different therapies. Stem cells maybe. But I don't know that this will fix your situation because the more you try to fix him the more he will pull away. And then he will be the one leaving the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I already posted the Mark Hutton videos. He has hundreds of them. Take the time to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope someone sees my question and can answer.

If you have been in a long term marriage with someone with HFASD, I realize that labels weren't as ubiquitous or clear decades ago. There were only limited descriptors of autism, codes, therapy, symptoms. In fact, men who were in math and science, engineering, were completely lumped into a behavioral category of their own- completely accepted as normal- but not at all for women, interestingly enough. It's still that way somewhat. That, I believed helped define what autism could look like when we realized women presented neurodivergence differently. Why? Women were not accepted in the same way as men.

So, if you, though, are married to a man who would be or is dxed with an ASD descriptor, what was his relationship with his parents? What kinds of things did they do for their son, or was it more of a codependency where it was what it was and he was thought of just as quirky? Was one of the parents also ASD?

How did it look going forward after your marriage with his parents?

His relationship with his parents is perfunctory and check the box. Communication is poor. I used to think he was just private but he doesn’t tell them anything. Society told him he must call them, yet they talk about nothing going on so start reading aloud a new article.

The dad, uncles, cousins and brother all had it. Brother was dyslexic and “couldn’t focus on things he didn’t want to do.” The dad was an “accident prone, absent minded professor.” The mom is practically asd as well after 40 years of this. She quit her job to manage everything and tutor the youngest son. He is 40 and lives at home. Lots of codependency between the asd father and asd son, mother runs everything.

This is my spouses normal. He thinks other families that socialize, have holiday traditions, have kids in sports or activities, are all crazy. Anyone that does things differently than how he and his parents did is “crazy.”

His parents and brother are far away.

Wow, PP, I could have written much of your post. My ASD husband's family sounds very similar. One child lived at home into his 30s, and then moved to be near his parents when they retired, and still is not married in his 50s. My DH calls his parents regularly and talks about nothing. His mother is mentally ill, and the family did absolutely nothing about it, just accommodated her strange behavior, particularly DH's dad, who I'm certain is on the spectrum too. In DH's family, his mom made the money, and his dad did everything else, so it's the same situation, but flipped. No socializing, no one ever comes over, except other family members. No holiday traditions, no going out places, no travel. My in-laws were upset because DH and I got married in a city that was four hours away from their home. They couldn't wait to get back home after the wedding!

My DH's ASD went undiagnosed because there were too many other problems in his family. By comparison to his parents, DH appears NT to people who don't know him well. He hides it well. But if you live with him, you discover the truth. Our children think he's weird and kind of dismiss him, which I find sad. He does care about them, but he can't communicate with them very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this.
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them.
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

I posted about mine above. Also married 25 years

Same, OP.