Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hope someone sees my question and can answer.

If you have been in a long term marriage with someone with HFASD, I realize that labels weren't as ubiquitous or clear decades ago. There were only limited descriptors of autism,  codes,  therapy, symptoms. In fact, men who were in math and science,  engineering,  were completely lumped into a behavioral category of their own- completely accepted as normal- but not at all for women, interestingly enough. It's still that way somewhat. That, I believed helped define what autism could look like when we realized women presented neurodivergence differently.  Why? Women were not accepted in the same way as men.

So, if you, though, are married to a man who would be or is dxed with an ASD descriptor, what was his relationship with his parents? What kinds of things did they do for their son, or was it more of a codependency  where it was what it was and he was thought of  just as quirky? Was one of the parents also ASD?

How did it look going forward after your marriage with his parents?[/quote]

His relationship with his parents is perfunctory and check the box. Communication is poor. I used to think he was just private but he doesn’t tell them anything. Society told him he must call them, yet they talk about nothing going on so start reading aloud a new article.

The dad, uncles, cousins and brother all had it. Brother was dyslexic and “couldn’t focus on things he didn’t want to do.” The dad was an “accident prone, absent minded professor.”  The mom is practically asd as well after 40 years of this. She quit her job to manage everything and tutor the youngest son. He is 40 and lives at home. Lots of codependency between the asd father and asd son, mother runs everything.

This is my spouses normal.  He thinks other families that socialize, have holiday traditions, have kids in sports or activities, are all crazy. Anyone that does things differently than how he and his parents did is “crazy.”

His parents and brother are far away.

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Wow, PP, I could have written much of your post. My ASD husband's family sounds very similar. One child lived at home into his 30s, and then moved to be near his parents when they retired, and still is not married in his 50s. My DH calls his parents regularly and talks about nothing. His mother is mentally ill, and the family did absolutely nothing about it, just accommodated her strange behavior, particularly DH's dad, who I'm certain is on the spectrum too. In DH's family, his mom made the money, and his dad did everything else, so it's the same situation, but flipped. No socializing, no one ever comes over, except other family members. No holiday traditions, no going out places, no travel. My in-laws were upset because DH and I got married in a city that was four hours away from their home. They couldn't wait to get back home after the wedding!

My DH's ASD went undiagnosed because there were too many other problems in his family. By comparison to his parents, DH appears NT to people who don't know him well. He hides it well. But if you live with him, you discover the truth. Our children think he's weird and kind of dismiss him, which I find sad. He does care about them, but he can't communicate with them very well.

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