Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone says “I’m sorry”. I say “you’re sorry you can’t too?

The reality is most marriages are terrible.

I know of 1 out of 10 that are good. Some are good enough. But most are not good at all, no physical abuse/cheating (that they know)/ alcoholism so they stay married.

The reality is most my friend must stay married due to $ and they are just making the best of a bad situation.

If you said that to me, I’d laugh in your face and tell you, “I have no desire to divorce. I love my husband, we’re a good team, and I tuck my kids in every night.” It would be fine for you to say, “Please don’t be sorry for me; this was for the best.” But if you try to imply that my marriage would be better off as a failure like yours, I would have no issue setting you straight.

You sound like a terrible person to be married to so most likely I would be saying to your H and he and I would agree.

Also we both were always there and still are more so than most men and Mom’s quite frankly.

You seem too defensive about your marriage to truly be happy.

You’re one of those martyrs that wear your terrible marriage like a badge of honor not because your happy but because you “took vows” or some other ancient reason .

No one forced you to "take vows" if doing so is such an "ancient" practice.

You do you. I know divorce is best for some people, and good for you if it was best for you. But yes, I'm sorry that your marriage failed--I'm sorry for the pain and difficulty that led up to that decision.

Feel free to respond to "I'm sorry" with "Please don't be sorry for me--this is what's best for me, and I'm happy." That's great. But if you try to project your unhappiness and failure on to me with the "You're sorry you can't, too" line, you will get a smile and the straightforward truth from me. I won't accept your projection. My marriage is happy, it's best for me and my family, and I don't care how at peace you are with your decision--our interaction will only make me go home and be even more happy and grateful that I have a good husband and that I'm with my kids each and every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

NP. Do you mean "bred"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

Children of married people also need therapy and the therapist starts with childhood no matter the marital status.

You are in denial again, whoever you are. Children of married people need therapy for lots of reasons - but one thing they do not need therapy about is the damage caused by their parents' divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

How did we come to someone arguing that a simple “oh, I’m sorry to hear that” to someone announcing the end of their marriage is impolite, un-civil, and a sign of ill breeding? (Or ill bread)

Because it is and it’s been explained over and over. Don’t say sorry, it’s rude.

A well educated person knows to not say sorry to something that is not bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

NP. Do you mean "bred"?

Voice 2 text

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

Children of married people also need therapy and the therapist starts with childhood no matter the marital status.

You are in denial again, whoever you are. Children of married people need therapy for lots of reasons - but one thing they do not need therapy about is the damage caused by their parents' divorce.

Yea it’s the damage done from their parents marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

Children of married people also need therapy and the therapist starts with childhood no matter the marital status.

You are in denial again, whoever you are. Children of married people need therapy for lots of reasons - but one thing they do not need therapy about is the damage caused by their parents' divorce.

Yea it’s the damage done from their parents marriage.

If you were to have a destination divorce party, I would totally congratulate you and go.

[Anonymous]

I say "I'm sorry" because obviously you once had a dream of a life with someone if you married them, and that dream has died. It's not to say it's a bad decision, rather, sorry that the situation you had hoped for didn't' work out as planned.

[Anonymous]

I know this conversation is a bit old now, but I hear you OP. I'm not divorced but I have friends whose husbands I thought were awful who divorced and internally I thought "oh thank goodness." I didn't want to presume to know deep down how they are feeling about it, so I just said "how are you doing?" Fifty percent of the time they said "great!" and then I say something like "I'm so happy for you and this new phase of your life, I know there will be hard times and I'll be there for you." And I check in and offer to bring dinner or wine or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

We are so sorry that your life was not peaceful. That you put up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. That your marriage was not the best decision but your divorce is.
We are sorry that you think we give a damn. That's all.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

Children of married people also need therapy and the therapist starts with childhood no matter the marital status.

You are in denial again, whoever you are. Children of married people need therapy for lots of reasons - but one thing they do not need therapy about is the damage caused by their parents' divorce.

Yea it’s the damage done from their parents marriage.

OP, you have to come to grips with the impact of your divorce. It was the best thing for you, because your marriage was awful. I get it. But it has impacts. Kids with parents that have happy marriages don't have to come to grips with their parents divorce and unhappy marriage. But yours will. That's OK - they will probably be fine. Many kids have to go through worse. But your denial will not help them or you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

How did we come to someone arguing that a simple “oh, I’m sorry to hear that” to someone announcing the end of their marriage is impolite, un-civil, and a sign of ill breeding? (Or ill bread)

It is impolite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say "I'm sorry" because obviously you once had a dream of a life with someone if you married them, and that dream has died. It's not to say it's a bad decision, rather, sorry that the situation you had hoped for didn't' work out as planned.

Again, not everyone marries for a "dream" of a specific life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say "I'm sorry" because obviously you once had a dream of a life with someone if you married them, and that dream has died. It's not to say it's a bad decision, rather, sorry that the situation you had hoped for didn't' work out as planned.

Again, not everyone marries for a "dream" of a specific life.

Well, do they marry with a hope to be able to go through a divorce? are they like, I can’t wait to get married so I can get divorced it’s gonna be awesome? I love this man and I can’t wait to divorce him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

How did we come to someone arguing that a simple “oh, I’m sorry to hear that” to someone announcing the end of their marriage is impolite, un-civil, and a sign of ill breeding? (Or ill bread)

Because it is and it’s been explained over and over. Don’t say sorry, it’s rude.

A well educated person knows to not say sorry to something that is not bad.

This is hilarious. So, does this mean I should send a condolence card to my friend who is getting married? If the point of marriage is to do it so you can then go on to have a beautiful divorce later that friends and strangers alike should congratulate you on? Please go on