Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

So let me get this straight. When you got married, divorce was the ultimate end goal for you? And now you are happy to have reached the end goal?

I knew divorce was a possibility because I wasn’t sure about getting married to begin with. I’m a logical person not a halfwit who thinks divorce is impossible…
I am happy that, after a decade of sheer misery, that I was able to get past the judgment of you harpies on here and stop giving a crap what people think and was able to end a bad marriage. The term “I’m sorry” is not appropriate to say. I’m not sorry I’m divorced. I’m happy I’m divorced. I can’t believe that people can’t understand this.

NP. And I can’t believe that you don’t get that most people are sure when they get married, and that most people don’t see the simple sentiment of “I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out” is a sentiment, not a judgment. Well, look at that: I guess we, too, “can’t believe” you don’t understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone says “I’m sorry”. I say “you’re sorry you can’t too?

The reality is most marriages are terrible.

I know of 1 out of 10 that are good. Some are good enough. But most are not good at all, no physical abuse/cheating (that they know)/ alcoholism so they stay married.

The reality is most my friend must stay married due to $ and they are just making the best of a bad situation.

If you said that to me, I’d laugh in your face and tell you, “I have no desire to divorce. I love my husband, we’re a good team, and I tuck my kids in every night.” It would be fine for you to say, “Please don’t be sorry for me; this was for the best.” But if you try to imply that my marriage would be better off as a failure like yours, I would have no issue setting you straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone says “I’m sorry”. I say “you’re sorry you can’t too?

The reality is most marriages are terrible.

I know of 1 out of 10 that are good. Some are good enough. But most are not good at all, no physical abuse/cheating (that they know)/ alcoholism so they stay married.

The reality is most my friend must stay married due to $ and they are just making the best of a bad situation.

If you said that to me, I’d laugh in your face and tell you, “I have no desire to divorce. I love my husband, we’re a good team, and I tuck my kids in every night.” It would be fine for you to say, “Please don’t be sorry for me; this was for the best.” But if you try to imply that my marriage would be better off as a failure like yours, I would have no issue setting you straight.

You sound like a terrible person to be married to so most likely I would be saying to your H and he and I would agree.

Also we both were always there and still are more so than most men and Mom’s quite frankly.

You seem too defensive about your marriage to truly be happy.

You’re one of those martyrs that wear your terrible marriage like a badge of honor not because your happy but because you “took vows” or some other ancient reason .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

I'm not implying it PP. i'm saying it clearly and directly. If you got divorced and you have children, it did hurt them, regardless of whose fault the divorce is. Don't be in denial about that.

Children of married people also need therapy and the therapist starts with childhood no matter the marital status.

[Anonymous]

This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

[Anonymous]

I knew divorce was a possibility because I wasn’t sure about getting married to begin with. I’m a logical person not a halfwit who thinks divorce is impossible…
I am happy that, after a decade of sheer misery, that I was able to get past the judgment of you harpies on here and stop giving a crap what people think and was able to end a bad marriage. The term “I’m sorry” is not appropriate to say. I’m not sorry I’m divorced. I’m happy I’m divorced. I can’t believe that people can’t understand this.

You post on here a lot. Your posts reek of always being right, and you sound like a bitter harpy (to borrow your own term). If you are so happy about your divorce, why do you always jump on these threads and spew anger? You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

What does bread have to do with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because no matter what reason, it's a pain to go through the divorce process, no?

If you don't anyone to feel sorry for you, just indicate that it's the best decision for you. If someone tells me they're getting divorced without adding some qualifier or extra tidbit like that, I'd say sorry too.

No, it does not have to be a pain. I felt that divorce was easy. The marriage was horrible.

I hate it when people say this. It is astonishing they don't realize 1 person wanted the divorce and is far from sorry.

I say: "I'm not sorry. Why are you?" It shuts this crap right down.

That’s a pretty hostile response to someone just trying to be nice. Yikes. I bet it sure does shut them right down. Why be so abrasive to someone who hasn’t done anything other than try to be nice?

I don't think it is "nice" to say "I'm sorry."

“Something just happened in my life that is widely known to be the greatest stressor one can have in their lives, which is the end of my marriage which I , theoretically, hoped would be a happy one.”
“Oh, I had no idea, I’m sorry to hear that”
“That’s not nice to say why why on earth are you sorry?”

Yeah, you’re totally in the right here.

Everyone should be so lucky!

There is a chart of life events and how likely one’s health is to deteriorate within a year (or something) of that event. Divorce is much worse for someone’s health than death of a spouse, for example. It’s just facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

So let me get this straight. When you got married, divorce was the ultimate end goal for you? And now you are happy to have reached the end goal?

I knew divorce was a possibility because I wasn’t sure about getting married to begin with. I’m a logical person not a halfwit who thinks divorce is impossible…
I am happy that, after a decade of sheer misery, that I was able to get past the judgment of you harpies on here and stop giving a crap what people think and was able to end a bad marriage. The term “I’m sorry” is not appropriate to say. I’m not sorry I’m divorced. I’m happy I’m divorced. I can’t believe that people can’t understand this.

IM SORRY to hear that your marriage was a decade of sheer misery. I had no idea.

There is nothing rude about saying that , and if you perceive it as rude, I can promise I didn’t mean to offend, but I’m also not taking responsibility for your feelings on my benign, normal response to hearing that you just endured a miserable 10 year marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so disingenuous. They say it because your marriage failed and they’re trying to be polite.

Don’t be such an ass. If you want to let people know you’re happy and it’s for the best, then say that. But how could people possibly know that unless you told them?!

Come on. I can’t stand when people like you throw basic civility back in people’s faces. They’re trying to be nice and polite but you want even more. You want people to be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs moment to moment. You know that’s supremely unrealistic right?

It’s not polite or civil. It’s an ill-bread response.

How did we come to someone arguing that a simple “oh, I’m sorry to hear that” to someone announcing the end of their marriage is impolite, un-civil, and a sign of ill breeding? (Or ill bread)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

When I got divorced, one woman said “congratulations!” It was hilarious and so true. Now that’s what I say whenever someone tells me they’re getting divorced.

“Congratulations” is usually the more accurate thing to say, especially to a woman, since they are the ones who initiate most divorces.

Both things can apply.

It’s like if you ran into someone you hadn’t seen for 5 years and they said “Oh, I just finished chemo.” Obviously this is a wonderful thing, but it’s also an indication that things have, relatively recently, been bad. So, both “I’m sorry to hear you went through that.” And “Congratulations for coming out the other side and beginning to heal.” are appropriate.

This is a great analogy.

People still married have untreatable cancer and you are now cancer free.

I wonder how somebody who is cancer free feels when their terminally ill friend says “congratulations “.

DP. I gave no idea what the heck you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

This thread is maddening. The baggage!!

[Anonymous]

At some point you made public vows to this person along the lines of "till death do us part". Or at least, most people do.

So people assume you may be sad. If you aren't, I think it's ok to say "this is the best decision I've ever made" to them. Then I'd switch to "congratulations then!"