We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?

[Anonymous]

I’m the DW and I had an issue like this once in my marriage. I wanted to send DS to the same expensive Montessori school DD went to, but doing so would have meant we couldn’t max out our 401K. I thought it was still worth it.

DH read up on the importance of early childhood education and offered me a compromise : we send DS to a much less expensive preschool and he reads to DS twenty minutes every night. That’s what we did and seven years later DH still reads to DS every day, and DS is thriving.

Be creative, OP. You and your wife can figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

I don't see how the wife thinks this is even remotely a possibility based on your current income. My husband and I make about $250K a year and we have two children. We made closer to $220K when our children were still in daycare, and it felt like we were being crushed financially when we were paying about $40K a year for both of their daycare tuition. The only way this is possible is if either or both of you start making significantly more money. I'd say you need to make at least an additional $100K a year, and even then your finances would feel tight.

Another thing to consider is that people who send their kids to private schools that are around $30K a year will be on a VERY different level then you from a financial perspective. You and your kids will feel pressure to keep up with the jones. You will feel pressure to put your kids in the best activities, to go on expensive trips, buy expensive clothes, and send them to expensive camps. None of that will be possible on your current salary.

If you can't significantly increase your income, and quickly, do not do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle school private is the best education dollar of all

College can be cheap. 2 years cc and 2 years commuting state school

But being forced to do tons of homework in middle school sets a kid up for life

I totally agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Something your DW is not taking into account is all the costs that go along with private school outside the tuition. If your kids have never been in private school, it can be sticker shock.

Then your kids will clothes and accessories that their friends have. Not everything but at least some. Then wait until you hit junior year with Test prep and college essay tutors and counselors. Driving instruction, a car so they can drive to school, it all adds up.

I would say a modest estimate would be $10k on top of tuition per child per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

This is inaccurate in my experience. Public schools do not do better in college admission. Not by a long shot. My kids graduated with 4.7 GPA, so many APs, leadership, ACT of 35 and ended up at a state college. I’m just not sure what you mean. College advising is essentially not offered. In the well regarded public schools here, it is much more difficult to stand out as a superstar academically.

Asian or white male. these are run-of-the-mill stats.

Your victim complex is showing. Males have an admissions advantage at almost every school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

I don't see how the wife thinks this is even remotely a possibility based on your current income. My husband and I make about $250K a year and we have two children. We made closer to $220K when our children were still in daycare, and it felt like we were being crushed financially when we were paying about $40K a year for both of their daycare tuition. The only way this is possible is if either or both of you start making significantly more money. I'd say you need to make at least an additional $100K a year, and even then your finances would feel tight.

Another thing to consider is that people who send their kids to private schools that are around $30K a year will be on a VERY different level then you from a financial perspective. You and your kids will feel pressure to keep up with the jones. You will feel pressure to put your kids in the best activities, to go on expensive trips, buy expensive clothes, and send them to expensive camps. None of that will be possible on your current salary.

If you can't significantly increase your income, and quickly, do not do it.

The social aspect is always ignored for some strange reason. Class matters no matter how hard americans try to deny this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need an outside arbiter. A financial advisor or marriage counselor, maybe?

NP. I had a consult with financial advisor today to discuss savings plan. We just started making a comfortable income and are behind on savings due to paying off student loans, house purchase, etc. he said absolutely don’t pay for private. It’s nutty for our financial picture, and I believe we make more than OP

Op, get a consult with fixed fee financial planner. Have DW on the zoom, too. That should solve it

[Anonymous]

Stay in public and hire a tutor.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. You can’t do something with a shortfall every month.

My ex husband and I have a combined income of 400k. Obviously, there are two houses and it would be hard to afford private for two kids…Catholic school would be doable. Even if we still lived in one home, we still would not (as much as I would like to) because we want to pay for our kids college. We can’t do both. My salary alone is close to your combined income, and I would not do it.

[Anonymous]

If wife insists upon this, she needs to raise her income (post any childcare) by at least $1,000-$1,500 a month. Either change jobs or get a second job. Then you’ll see just how important it really is to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

If you could possibly afford $35K/year there is no need to save more for college. College is mostly < $35K/year.

Um, what? Are you writing from 1996?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

If you could possibly afford $35K/year there is no need to save more for college. College is mostly < $35K/year.

Um, what yesteryear are you living in where college is under 35k a year?

I’m a different poster, but I have two kids in college in-state and both are under that. So…a student who gets some merit and goes in-state? How much do you think in state tuition is?

Do you not understand what “mostly” means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

+1. We have a high HHI of $600K, can afford private (not in DC area), kids go to a good public school (not the best in the area). We spend a ton of money on enrichment, tutoring. Feels like we get better ROI vs. paying for privates.

+1. We are in the same boat. Applied to private last year but turned it down bc the $50K/year is just stupid. Instead, we save money, spend on enrichment and live a stress-free life. It is so nice to not worry about a tuition bill that would hamstring us.

OP, I went to a fancy private school. I had a wonderful experience and credit a lot of my life experiences to that private school. However, my younger sibling who went to a public school is pretty on par with salary and career as myself. I make $450K (attorney) and he makes $450K (doctor). One in private and the other in public. WE also both went to the same state flagship school.

I think way too much stock is put in private school. If your kid is in a good public with parents who support and foster education, your DC will be just fine. Save the money,

This just occurred to me, reading your post. I wonder if a family with a $900k HHI feels less pressure to go to private because you've already proved your worth and you might not have class anxiety. I wonder if OP's wife doesn't feel as secure, and so she's pushing to send the kids to private because she feels she needs the validation of the kids being in private - and also I wonder if she feels the kids need to be socialized around the super rich kids in a way you don't because you're so wealthy.

Sort of the same way that rich people can bang around in a sh***y car because they don't have to prove anything to anyone, but someone who is more middle class feels the need to drive a good car in order to prove they belong.

(And I believe anyone with a HHI of $220k is doing awesome and should feel very good about what they've gotten in this hard life, but it may be that OP's wife feels like she wants to open up a different world to her kids or feels some class anxiety.)

Just to correct, our HHI is not $900K - it's about $650K. The $450 and $450K was the example of how my younger brother and I - despite going to private v public school - both make the same salary.

That said, I recognize that at $650HHI we still likely feel less pressure to validate our decisions and/or standing. 6 years ago, our HHI was around $200K and I did struggle with public v private - in part because it seemed like the shiny, out of reach option that we could not afford. After we went through the application process and I realized that private schools were not what I thought they were, I feel a bit more confident in our decision. Plus, the benefit of time and experience is that you see how things are turning out. My DD in 8th is doing great and the math enrichments have really paid off.

All that said, OP's wife should not bankrupt them for private school. It's a long road and hopefully they can gain wealth through savings and come out ahead.

Ah sorry, I read your post too quickly. But I do wonder if that idea stands - that someone with a very high HHI is free of class anxiety in a way that someone like OP's wife is not.

And again, $200k is a very very very nice HHI - but maybe the thing is it's just on the cusp of wealthy, and that provokes some of this stuff OP and his wife are going through.

Then again I can easily picture someone with an HHI of $900k feeling anxiety that they aren't bringing in a million, and needing to prove themselves to THAT group of people or whatever.

I think that mentality likely drives 90% of private school admissions. It's a keeping up with the Joneses parade.

Are some of you unaware of what is going on in some school systems? My older kids went to public and I assumed my younger ones would, too. Then Covid happened and they’re now in private. It’s not a keeping up with the Joneses for many people. Have you seen the latest scores from MCPS? It’s concerning.

Yawn. Yes, I have. We have all read the same things that you do. I still don't think the private schools are worth anywhere near $50K per kid. If it were $25K, maybe. What I found, in our application process, that the private school kids were not more academically inclined than the other AAP or honors public school kids, but they were richer. I don't think it is worth it for our family to pay $150K per year for the next 6 years just for my kids to go to school with rich kids. We do math enrichment, among other things. My children have all tested great, do well in honors/AAP, and have a ton of other extracurriculars. All for less than what I would've spent on one kid at private. Instead of bleeding the $150K in private school, I invest it and can gift to kids when they're older. They'll get far more use out of the cash than spending a decade trying to keep up with the uber-rich trust fund class.

So it might be worth it to you but - been there, and it wasn't worth all that.

You applied to a school with $50k tuition and determined the student body would be richer and this was a surprise to you?
You sound super out of touch. There are a lot of choices in between a bad public school and a $50k school. There is a whole lot more to school than math enrichment and test scores. My kids left MCPS and could barely write a paper. The English curriculum is terrible. But they sure could take a standardized test!

Potomac and FHS are around $45K for MS and HS. Add the bus fees, lunch, tech/compu fees, books, uniforms and you're at $50K. There are no other real choices other than Catholic schools. Those are cheap, yes, but they are not better than public schools. the only reason to choose Catholic is if you want religious instructions. Otherwise, academics are clearly better in public as most Catholics are not worth paying for.

That may have been true in the past (that catholic aren't that much stronger academically), but it's not true in the current climate IMO. At least in MCPS.

When the test scores were released recently, Catholic schools nationwide way outperformed every state in the country. Yes, they have an advantage in that they can select their students, but that should put to rest the old “their not better than public schools” canard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

Public school was so bad my child wasn’t even getting out of bed. Private school turned that around. It was absolutely worth it.

Blaming public schools for your parenting failure. Not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just rent a room in Langley school pyramid so that your kids can go there and your problem is solved.

If that room is not your primary residence, that’s a crime.