We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?

[Anonymous]

Have you visited your local elementary? Have you talked to families in the neighborhood who have kids in the school? Our’s doesn’t look great but we’ve had an excellent experience there so far (kid in 4th). Families in the neighborhood seem to love the school too. Scores on sites like Great Schools only tell a part of the story. A school that has huge HHI disparities will likely take a hit on scores on those sites. It doesn’t mean that the school isn’t doing right by certain subgroups, but closing gaps is a constant uphill battle.

A friend’s partner is insisting on private for their kid. They can’t afford it.-He’s underemployed by choice to avoid needing childcare for their toddler. He’s eaten up all the media propaganda about public schools. My friend will bring up things like, “What about the unions pushing their agendas?” What unions? VA teacher associations have zero say in how schools are run. “What about trans children or teachers?” The chance that her kid will meet someone in school who is trans is extremely slim. If they do—who cares? Interacting with people who are different from you might teach some tolerance and empathy. I have a few friends who have chosen private for various reasons (one family is zoned for a school with a really rough reputation. Another family’s child was struggling with behavior and academics in public, and the pandemic was the last straw for them. They didn’t return to public after schools reopened because their child is happy and thriving in their current school). Those families can easily afford private. We could afford private, but we’d rather put the money into enrichment activities and college savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you visited your local elementary? Have you talked to families in the neighborhood who have kids in the school? Our’s doesn’t look great but we’ve had an excellent experience there so far (kid in 4th). Families in the neighborhood seem to love the school too. Scores on sites like Great Schools only tell a part of the story. A school that has huge HHI disparities will likely take a hit on scores on those sites. It doesn’t mean that the school isn’t doing right by certain subgroups, but closing gaps is a constant uphill battle.

A friend’s partner is insisting on private for their kid. They can’t afford it.-He’s underemployed by choice to avoid needing childcare for their toddler. He’s eaten up all the media propaganda about public schools. My friend will bring up things like, “What about the unions pushing their agendas?” What unions? VA teacher associations have zero say in how schools are run. “What about trans children or teachers?” The chance that her kid will meet someone in school who is trans is extremely slim. If they do—who cares? Interacting with people who are different from you might teach some tolerance and empathy. I have a few friends who have chosen private for various reasons (one family is zoned for a school with a really rough reputation. Another family’s child was struggling with behavior and academics in public, and the pandemic was the last straw for them. They didn’t return to public after schools reopened because their child is happy and thriving in their current school). Those families can easily afford private. We could afford private, but we’d rather put the money into enrichment activities and college savings.

*Look great on paper

[Anonymous]

I'm sure I have the minority opinion here...but I WOULD send my kids to the private school by any means possible. I am a teacher in a county school that is rated poorly and I can say that the quality of education is not there. MY opinion is the priority financially is the private school and I would have no problem using college funds to do so. The education at many public schools are fantastic but others are very much sub par. There are numerous financial options for college expenses so I would not hesitate to use that money now. You have college savings to cover education and right now it sounds as though this should be the focus...again...just MY personal opinion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I have the minority opinion here...but I WOULD send my kids to the private school by any means possible. I am a teacher in a county school that is rated poorly and I can say that the quality of education is not there. MY opinion is the priority financially is the private school and I would have no problem using college funds to do so. The education at many public schools are fantastic but others are very much sub par. There are numerous financial options for college expenses so I would not hesitate to use that money now. You have college savings to cover education and right now it sounds as though this should be the focus...again...just MY personal opinion!

Exactly what I said earlier as well. But DCUM would rather spend on expensive houses and travel I’ve seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

I don't see how the wife thinks this is even remotely a possibility based on your current income. My husband and I make about $250K a year and we have two children. We made closer to $220K when our children were still in daycare, and it felt like we were being crushed financially when we were paying about $40K a year for both of their daycare tuition. The only way this is possible is if either or both of you start making significantly more money. I'd say you need to make at least an additional $100K a year, and even then your finances would feel tight.

Another thing to consider is that people who send their kids to private schools that are around $30K a year will be on a VERY different level then you from a financial perspective. You and your kids will feel pressure to keep up with the jones. You will feel pressure to put your kids in the best activities, to go on expensive trips, buy expensive clothes, and send them to expensive camps. None of that will be possible on your current salary.

If you can't significantly increase your income, and quickly, do not do it.

The social aspect is always ignored for some strange reason. Class matters no matter how hard americans try to deny this.

Ya, your kids will be miserable even if you could figure out the finances (you can’t). We would hesitate and we have a seven figure HHI. Consider people like us are average at privates in this area.

That’s just not true. Maybe if you pick the most expensive private school it is.
There is a huge range within privates in terms of tuition and parent incomes. I can guarantee you a seven figure HHI is NOT average at our private.

Yeah, that’s a ridiculous take. My kid is at the fanciest independent in town. When he started in K, we made $80k and got a lot of FA. Now, 10 years later, we make $220k and are full pay. At no point has he ever been “miserable” because of our (gag) “poverty”. He has friends with more and less money than we have. It just doesn’t matter to kids, or at least not to the nice kids he wants to be friends with.

Well if you’re not going to Sidwell you’re literally flushing money down the toilet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

I don't see how the wife thinks this is even remotely a possibility based on your current income. My husband and I make about $250K a year and we have two children. We made closer to $220K when our children were still in daycare, and it felt like we were being crushed financially when we were paying about $40K a year for both of their daycare tuition. The only way this is possible is if either or both of you start making significantly more money. I'd say you need to make at least an additional $100K a year, and even then your finances would feel tight.

Another thing to consider is that people who send their kids to private schools that are around $30K a year will be on a VERY different level then you from a financial perspective. You and your kids will feel pressure to keep up with the jones. You will feel pressure to put your kids in the best activities, to go on expensive trips, buy expensive clothes, and send them to expensive camps. None of that will be possible on your current salary.

If you can't significantly increase your income, and quickly, do not do it.

The social aspect is always ignored for some strange reason. Class matters no matter how hard americans try to deny this.

Ya, your kids will be miserable even if you could figure out the finances (you can’t). We would hesitate and we have a seven figure HHI. Consider people like us are average at privates in this area.

That’s just not true. Maybe if you pick the most expensive private school it is.
There is a huge range within privates in terms of tuition and parent incomes. I can guarantee you a seven figure HHI is NOT average at our private.

Yeah, that’s a ridiculous take. My kid is at the fanciest independent in town. When he started in K, we made $80k and got a lot of FA. Now, 10 years later, we make $220k and are full pay. At no point has he ever been “miserable” because of our (gag) “poverty”. He has friends with more and less money than we have. It just doesn’t matter to kids, or at least not to the nice kids he wants to be friends with.

Well if you’re not going to Sidwell you’re literally flushing money down the toilet.

Lol this is so not true. Not every private is going to be better for a kid than the public alternative but when a parent has to look at the options they have, plenty of situations where a less-expensive private is absolutely going to be better for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

I don't see how the wife thinks this is even remotely a possibility based on your current income. My husband and I make about $250K a year and we have two children. We made closer to $220K when our children were still in daycare, and it felt like we were being crushed financially when we were paying about $40K a year for both of their daycare tuition. The only way this is possible is if either or both of you start making significantly more money. I'd say you need to make at least an additional $100K a year, and even then your finances would feel tight.

Another thing to consider is that people who send their kids to private schools that are around $30K a year will be on a VERY different level then you from a financial perspective. You and your kids will feel pressure to keep up with the jones. You will feel pressure to put your kids in the best activities, to go on expensive trips, buy expensive clothes, and send them to expensive camps. None of that will be possible on your current salary.

If you can't significantly increase your income, and quickly, do not do it.

The social aspect is always ignored for some strange reason. Class matters no matter how hard americans try to deny this.

Ya, your kids will be miserable even if you could figure out the finances (you can’t). We would hesitate and we have a seven figure HHI. Consider people like us are average at privates in this area.

That’s just not true. Maybe if you pick the most expensive private school it is.
There is a huge range within privates in terms of tuition and parent incomes. I can guarantee you a seven figure HHI is NOT average at our private.

Yeah, that’s a ridiculous take. My kid is at the fanciest independent in town. When he started in K, we made $80k and got a lot of FA. Now, 10 years later, we make $220k and are full pay. At no point has he ever been “miserable” because of our (gag) “poverty”. He has friends with more and less money than we have. It just doesn’t matter to kids, or at least not to the nice kids he wants to be friends with.

Well if you’re not going to Sidwell you’re literally flushing money down the toilet.

Lol this is so not true. Not every private is going to be better for a kid than the public alternative but when a parent has to look at the options they have, plenty of situations where a less-expensive private is absolutely going to be better for the kid.

Or maybe just maybe the kid isn’t cut out for higher education. Nothing wrong with learning a trade. The cream rises to the top provided the opportunity is there and everyone on this thread by virtue of giving a crap about this topic is giving their kids enough opportunity.

Sometimes you have to accept that your kid is subpar. Stop throwing good money after bad, or not substantially better.

[Anonymous]

Say no.

[Anonymous]

Have you been on a cruise ship? There’s a cost to get on the ship and have a room — and then there’s everything else.

Similar, in fancy privates, there’s the tuition and then there’s everything else. It’s no big deal to 50%+ of the parents, and then there are the rest of us…

Kid having problems with math? Need to hire a tutor. Kid wants to play soccer on the school team? Need to hire a private coach. Kid having a birthday? Needs to be as good as the others. Kid friends love to ski or ride horses or have an iPhone 26? Pay up!

[Anonymous]

Tell her to ask her parents to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

Yikes, you cannot afford this on $220K. Trust me, as I know from experience. Our kids are now 18 and 20, but I was hell-bent on sending them to private starting in elementary. We did so (at a similar HHI), but then had to bail out and switch them to public in 4th and 6th grades.

Then my in-laws offered to return them to private school at their expense. We said sure, but then they've had to pull back a bit over the years. We still kept the kids in private, but it has been kind of a financial disaster for us. (We now have a higher HHI, and so that helps, but we have almost no non-retirement savings, at ages 51-52.)

If you do decide to go private, you may even qualify for financial aid. It's worth a try.

But consider moving to a good public district. Then once you've made up your mind, embrace the schools and invest in them (with your time and PTA contributions). It can make you miserable to be at a public school, and always pining for private. Better to just embrace it and help to support it.

[Anonymous]

Now that your kids are 18 and 20, was the private school worth it? Where did they end up for college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that your kids are 18 and 20, was the private school worth it? Where did they end up for college?

I think it was a good experience for them, even if it created stress for my DH and me for a good 10 years (which we tried not to let the kids see). (We're still hoping to be able to save enough to give each of them a down payment in a decade.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

Yikes, you cannot afford this on $220K. Trust me, as I know from experience. Our kids are now 18 and 20, but I was hell-bent on sending them to private starting in elementary. We did so (at a similar HHI), but then had to bail out and switch them to public in 4th and 6th grades.

Then my in-laws offered to return them to private school at their expense. We said sure, but then they've had to pull back a bit over the years. We still kept the kids in private, but it has been kind of a financial disaster for us. (We now have a higher HHI, and so that helps, but we have almost no non-retirement savings, at ages 51-52.)

If you do decide to go private, you may even qualify for financial aid. It's worth a try.

But consider moving to a good public district. Then once you've made up your mind, embrace the schools and invest in them (with your time and PTA contributions). It can make you miserable to be at a public school, and always pining for private. Better to just embrace it and help to support it.

Yikes indeed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

I don't see how the wife thinks this is even remotely a possibility based on your current income. My husband and I make about $250K a year and we have two children. We made closer to $220K when our children were still in daycare, and it felt like we were being crushed financially when we were paying about $40K a year for both of their daycare tuition. The only way this is possible is if either or both of you start making significantly more money. I'd say you need to make at least an additional $100K a year, and even then your finances would feel tight.

Another thing to consider is that people who send their kids to private schools that are around $30K a year will be on a VERY different level then you from a financial perspective. You and your kids will feel pressure to keep up with the jones. You will feel pressure to put your kids in the best activities, to go on expensive trips, buy expensive clothes, and send them to expensive camps. None of that will be possible on your current salary.

If you can't significantly increase your income, and quickly, do not do it.

The social aspect is always ignored for some strange reason. Class matters no matter how hard americans try to deny this.

Ya, your kids will be miserable even if you could figure out the finances (you can’t). We would hesitate and we have a seven figure HHI. Consider people like us are average at privates in this area.

That’s just not true. Maybe if you pick the most expensive private school it is.
There is a huge range within privates in terms of tuition and parent incomes. I can guarantee you a seven figure HHI is NOT average at our private.

Yeah, that’s a ridiculous take. My kid is at the fanciest independent in town. When he started in K, we made $80k and got a lot of FA. Now, 10 years later, we make $220k and are full pay. At no point has he ever been “miserable” because of our (gag) “poverty”. He has friends with more and less money than we have. It just doesn’t matter to kids, or at least not to the nice kids he wants to be friends with.

Well if you’re not going to Sidwell you’re literally flushing money down the toilet.

Lol this is so not true. Not every private is going to be better for a kid than the public alternative but when a parent has to look at the options they have, plenty of situations where a less-expensive private is absolutely going to be better for the kid.

Or maybe just maybe the kid isn’t cut out for higher education. Nothing wrong with learning a trade. The cream rises to the top provided the opportunity is there and everyone on this thread by virtue of giving a crap about this topic is giving their kids enough opportunity.

Sometimes you have to accept that your kid is subpar. Stop throwing good money after bad, or not substantially better.

Im really curious about your thought process here. You’re saying that unless a kid is in Sidwell, any private school will be a waste of money, because if they don’t do well at public they aren’t fit for college?

If I’m following you there, that is hilarious. I guess to you, quality of education just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how well a teacher teaches writing, because kids should be able to learn to write excellent essays themselves. Doesn’t matter whether or not they can take AP classes; the good students will be able to pass those tests with self-study. If a teacher isn’t able to teach math well because of a class full of disruptive kids, and a student can’t just teach himself math, trade school it is!

If that’s the case why would you even pay for Sidwell? If a kid needs a good school to learn things, they are probably sub-par and should become electricians.