We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

You’re a bozo

I think the bozo is the person who wants to spend money they don't have, for something they can get literally for free ...

[Anonymous]

OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

Public schools are a jungle in moco. I’m with your wife

[Anonymous]

Do a very detailed spread sheet.

Show a lot of numbers in red.

It sounds like your wife works if she wants to reduce her retirement.

Show some cost cutting options: sell a car, no travel/vacations etc. Clothing from thrift shops etc.

Does wife want to get a second job ubering to cover the expenses.

Consider moving to an area with better public schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

Damn you are screwed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

That is our HHI and we cannot afford private for one kid. Private MS-HS for two kids is not affordable for you. Period. Unfortunately moving probably isn't a great solution now due to interest rates, but there are things like more affordable townhouses in Fairfax. You can put your money into tutoring and really nice summer camps instead of moving/private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a very detailed spread sheet.

Show a lot of numbers in red.

It sounds like your wife works if she wants to reduce her retirement.

Show some cost cutting options: sell a car, no travel/vacations etc. Clothing from thrift shops etc.

Does wife want to get a second job ubering to cover the expenses.

Consider moving to an area with better public schools.

Moving not an option with 7 percent interest rates

[Anonymous]

Nope, you say no.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to talk to your wife about her concerns and discuss affordable options. Other PPs have noted parochial schools as an option and I think you said it wouldn't make much of a difference. I would price out some options near you. I think they are way less expensive than $35K per year. Also, look at tutoring and dual enrollment high school classes if the concern is educational quality. You can also look at nearby enrichment opportunities. Does your county have any magnet schools or special interest schools (AP v. IB or school of arts) that would give you some choice within the public school system?

The bottom line is that you can't afford 6 years of private school for two kids. You just can't. And your wife is clearly going to have strong feelings about that for awhile. But I think you need to listen to her concerns, take them seriously, and then work together to figure out how best to address them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

That is our HHI and we cannot afford private for one kid. Private MS-HS for two kids is not affordable for you. Period. Unfortunately moving probably isn't a great solution now due to interest rates, but there are things like more affordable townhouses in Fairfax. You can put your money into tutoring and really nice summer camps instead of moving/private.

+1 Our income is similar and no way would we have considered private schools unless one of the kids was really failing in public schools and then it would have required substantial financial sacrifice. Certainly, if that's what was needed, we'd have figured it out, but not just for some vague "it's better" reason.

[Anonymous]

Something no one seems to have mentioned:

Sit down to review the numbers but agree that if you don’t both see a way to make it work, then you won’t do it. If you don’t agree here you are in for some serious marital trouble.

Then play with the spreadsheet and see if you can agree on enough changes to make it happen. If you cant, then talk about what you could afford that would address her concerns (tutors, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lock the wife up

Divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

Would love to hear your alternative solution, when somebody wants you to commit to an expense with money you literally do not have? It's not pretty, but there's not really any other way when one half of a partnership has drastically different ideas about money. You just start looking out for yourself.

Well 1. it isnt 50/50 unless they make the same amount. It would be percentages based on contribution to total income and youd have to make adjustments for who pays for health insurance, FSA, who gets retirement taken out vs who gets a SEP or other retirement plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

Would love to hear your alternative solution, when somebody wants you to commit to an expense with money you literally do not have? It's not pretty, but there's not really any other way when one half of a partnership has drastically different ideas about money. You just start looking out for yourself.

Well 1. it isnt 50/50 unless they make the same amount. It would be percentages based on contribution to total income and youd have to make adjustments for who pays for health insurance, FSA, who gets retirement taken out vs who gets a SEP or other retirement plan.

Well sure, OP can decide to pay a larger share of joint expenses based on any income differential. But after that (FSA, retirement, etc) it's all his decision what to do with his money. She gets no say in his retirement savings.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids now/how far off is this? Are you sure you would not qualify for aid? How about a parochial school that is more affordable or may be more generous with aid?

You need to have a cash buffer for emergencies, to your point. You also need to be able to fund the extras your child may need or want, like tutors or camp programs. Being in the red every month is not a way to live to make private school work. We are another family it will require sacrifices for, but will make it work. Retirement is really not an ideal sacrifice to make.