Married and infatuated with coworker

[Anonymous]

I mean, remember that his farts don’t smell of roses either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

They’re fine with it because they feel like they’re the ones ultimately in control of the situation.

Yep and they know the conversation hasn’t crossed into no go zones like complaining about spouses etc

Ughh, this is exactly what I mean. God forbid, your ‘hubby’ make a real friend who happens to be female. It’s all so possessive and restrictive. I must seek therapy to change my outlook.

Your outlook is that some man you know nothing about is your soulmate and you’ve never had passion in your life. Do you really want to keep living like this? Also the odds are stacked against this ending well for you if you keep pursuing it. At best he rejects your advances and tells you he’s not interested in you. At worst your world is ruined and you lose your kids, job, and he blocks you or comes after you for harassing him when you keep bothering him.

No I won’t keep living like this. I will go back to being a workhorse mother and wife for the rest of my days. I have a dh w aspergers and zero passion or sparks or anything ever. But my kids love their dad, and divorcing would bring too much drama for everyone. I am just on here to vent, and try to look at it from a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this such a taboo, forbidden thing? Why can’t I go on a date with another man and still have an intact family at home? Why can’t we have both? I feel that I can love more than one person in different ways, but it’s still love. If my dh had a gf on the side who was discrete and trustworthy and healthy I honestly don’t know if I would care or feel anything at all.

That’s something you can discuss with your DH but in reality most people could not tolerate such an arrangement.

I told my DH about a coworker crush and he practically went insane with insecurity and jealousy.

No, you’re right, it wouldn’t work, but it’s all because of feelings, jealousy and possessiveness. My dh would throw me and my belongings out into the street if I merely suggested this arrangement, I could never even mention a crush to him. On the flip side, I am terribly jealous of my crush’s wife, and constantly compare myself to her and wonder what drew them both together. I want to be better than her.

Said: every.otherwoman.out there.

Just disgusting. Every OW I know wants to be the wife and is in a secret competition with someone that doesn't even know they exist. She already won. She's not a disgusting cheater banging (or lobbying ) to bang other people's husbands. She is above you...and that's why, even if he banged you, he would never respect you enough to be with you because you are tainted, and a lying cheat, unlike his wife.

Ha! I know his wife and honestly, sadly she seems to be not all there…or heavily medicated or something. It’s so bizarre. She barely speaks.

Oh yeah you are so much better than her This post just reinforces what the pp said about these ow (and ow wannabes) constantly focusing and denigrating his wife. It’s a sick game and how they try to get self esteem.

Usually everyone in these situations is a mess.

I am unhappy in my marriage and super attracted to a married man but I am far from a mess. My intuition is strong and I feel a definite connection with him. His wife seems to be one of those women who’s main goal in life was to land a successful dude and have a fairytale wedding. she got what she wanted, and now just sits back and enjoys all the fruits of his labor. Her identity is wife to her DH and a mommy and that’s it. She seems to lack any substance. Of course I could be wrong or he may very well be a mindless drone himself.

How are you different from her? You posted here you got married because You couldn’t support yourself, you felt like you needed to have a nice marriage and have kids and live in the suburbs. Aren’t you pretty drone-y too?

My main goal in life wasn’t to land a rich dude, have a fairytale wedding and have ‘his babies’. I never ever wanted that. Yes, i wanted companionshipand to connect with someone of substance, someone intelligent, sharp. I found that, but without any chemistry, my dh is most likely on the spectrum as well. Not that I believe I am better than his wife, just different. I am not so cookie cutter in my ideas and values. But again, he may be more boring than she appears to be.

So how well do you actually know him and his “ideas and values” if you have to guess about them? This sounds like just limerence. It isn’t someone crushing on their best friend at work that they’ve gone through a lot of crap with and seen angry, or a childhood friend that grew up with them

I don’t know too much about him, I would like to get to know him better but I can’t. He seems to be intelligent, has a decent career, seems to be a great dad. I talk with him occasionally, at school functions etc., albeit very briefly, and I like him. Maybe it’s limerance or whatever, but who cares. Don’t many successful relationships begin with limerance?

Are you the op or a new poster? Op’s crush was a plane ride away? Not someone she saw at school functions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

They’re fine with it because they feel like they’re the ones ultimately in control of the situation.

Yep and they know the conversation hasn’t crossed into no go zones like complaining about spouses etc

Ughh, this is exactly what I mean. God forbid, your ‘hubby’ make a real friend who happens to be female. It’s all so possessive and restrictive. I must seek therapy to change my outlook.

Your outlook is that some man you know nothing about is your soulmate and you’ve never had passion in your life. Do you really want to keep living like this? Also the odds are stacked against this ending well for you if you keep pursuing it. At best he rejects your advances and tells you he’s not interested in you. At worst your world is ruined and you lose your kids, job, and he blocks you or comes after you for harassing him when you keep bothering him.

No I won’t keep living like this. I will go back to being a workhorse mother and wife for the rest of my days. I have a dh w aspergers and zero passion or sparks or anything ever. But my kids love their dad, and divorcing would bring too much drama for everyone. I am just on here to vent, and try to look at it from a different perspective.

You’ll be an even more miserable workhorse if you pursue this. Your best chance is therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this such a taboo, forbidden thing? Why can’t I go on a date with another man and still have an intact family at home? Why can’t we have both? I feel that I can love more than one person in different ways, but it’s still love. If my dh had a gf on the side who was discrete and trustworthy and healthy I honestly don’t know if I would care or feel anything at all.

That’s something you can discuss with your DH but in reality most people could not tolerate such an arrangement.

I told my DH about a coworker crush and he practically went insane with insecurity and jealousy.

No, you’re right, it wouldn’t work, but it’s all because of feelings, jealousy and possessiveness. My dh would throw me and my belongings out into the street if I merely suggested this arrangement, I could never even mention a crush to him. On the flip side, I am terribly jealous of my crush’s wife, and constantly compare myself to her and wonder what drew them both together. I want to be better than her.

Said: every.otherwoman.out there.

Just disgusting. Every OW I know wants to be the wife and is in a secret competition with someone that doesn't even know they exist. She already won. She's not a disgusting cheater banging (or lobbying ) to bang other people's husbands. She is above you...and that's why, even if he banged you, he would never respect you enough to be with you because you are tainted, and a lying cheat, unlike his wife.

Ha! I know his wife and honestly, sadly she seems to be not all there…or heavily medicated or something. It’s so bizarre. She barely speaks.

Oh yeah you are so much better than her This post just reinforces what the pp said about these ow (and ow wannabes) constantly focusing and denigrating his wife. It’s a sick game and how they try to get self esteem.

Usually everyone in these situations is a mess.

I am unhappy in my marriage and super attracted to a married man but I am far from a mess. My intuition is strong and I feel a definite connection with him. His wife seems to be one of those women who’s main goal in life was to land a successful dude and have a fairytale wedding. she got what she wanted, and now just sits back and enjoys all the fruits of his labor. Her identity is wife to her DH and a mommy and that’s it. She seems to lack any substance. Of course I could be wrong or he may very well be a mindless drone himself.

How are you different from her? You posted here you got married because You couldn’t support yourself, you felt like you needed to have a nice marriage and have kids and live in the suburbs. Aren’t you pretty drone-y too?

My main goal in life wasn’t to land a rich dude, have a fairytale wedding and have ‘his babies’. I never ever wanted that. Yes, i wanted companionshipand to connect with someone of substance, someone intelligent, sharp. I found that, but without any chemistry, my dh is most likely on the spectrum as well. Not that I believe I am better than his wife, just different. I am not so cookie cutter in my ideas and values. But again, he may be more boring than she appears to be.

So how well do you actually know him and his “ideas and values” if you have to guess about them? This sounds like just limerence. It isn’t someone crushing on their best friend at work that they’ve gone through a lot of crap with and seen angry, or a childhood friend that grew up with them

I don’t know too much about him, I would like to get to know him better but I can’t. He seems to be intelligent, has a decent career, seems to be a great dad. I talk with him occasionally, at school functions etc., albeit very briefly, and I like him. Maybe it’s limerance or whatever, but who cares. Don’t many successful relationships begin with limerance?

Are you the op or a new poster? Op’s crush was a plane ride away? Not someone she saw at school functions

I am not op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

They’re fine with it because they feel like they’re the ones ultimately in control of the situation.

Yep and they know the conversation hasn’t crossed into no go zones like complaining about spouses etc

Ughh, this is exactly what I mean. God forbid, your ‘hubby’ make a real friend who happens to be female. It’s all so possessive and restrictive. I must seek therapy to change my outlook.

Your outlook is that some man you know nothing about is your soulmate and you’ve never had passion in your life. Do you really want to keep living like this? Also the odds are stacked against this ending well for you if you keep pursuing it. At best he rejects your advances and tells you he’s not interested in you. At worst your world is ruined and you lose your kids, job, and he blocks you or comes after you for harassing him when you keep bothering him.

No I won’t keep living like this. I will go back to being a workhorse mother and wife for the rest of my days. I have a dh w aspergers and zero passion or sparks or anything ever. But my kids love their dad, and divorcing would bring too much drama for everyone. I am just on here to vent, and try to look at it from a different perspective.

You’ll be an even more miserable workhorse if you pursue this. Your best chance is therapy.

I have had therapy in the past, it was very pricey and did not help one bit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

They’re fine with it because they feel like they’re the ones ultimately in control of the situation.

Yep and they know the conversation hasn’t crossed into no go zones like complaining about spouses etc

Ughh, this is exactly what I mean. God forbid, your ‘hubby’ make a real friend who happens to be female. It’s all so possessive and restrictive. I must seek therapy to change my outlook.

Your outlook is that some man you know nothing about is your soulmate and you’ve never had passion in your life. Do you really want to keep living like this? Also the odds are stacked against this ending well for you if you keep pursuing it. At best he rejects your advances and tells you he’s not interested in you. At worst your world is ruined and you lose your kids, job, and he blocks you or comes after you for harassing him when you keep bothering him.

No I won’t keep living like this. I will go back to being a workhorse mother and wife for the rest of my days. I have a dh w aspergers and zero passion or sparks or anything ever. But my kids love their dad, and divorcing would bring too much drama for everyone. I am just on here to vent, and try to look at it from a different perspective.

What do you want people to tell you? That it’s going to work out with someone married that you don’t know (and you think is on drugs) that is much younger and is your limerent object?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

I hear you, I have never once checked my dh’s phone, not once.

No one really knows anyone else's marriage. I was in a similar situation with a male friend colleague. We had chemistry, too. It was a lot of fun going to work. I enjoyed his company. As I got to know him, though, it became apparent his wife had big time trust issues with him. He started to let it be known that she was controlling. And yup, the phone was an issue.

So, if she sees the female friend/colleague as a threat, it's over. If that colleague is a rock star-- successful, attractive, speaks four languages, yoga instructor on the side, whatever- there goes the friendship. Again, it comes down to what's really going on in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

They’re fine with it because they feel like they’re the ones ultimately in control of the situation.

Yep and they know the conversation hasn’t crossed into no go zones like complaining about spouses etc

Ughh, this is exactly what I mean. God forbid, your ‘hubby’ make a real friend who happens to be female. It’s all so possessive and restrictive. I must seek therapy to change my outlook.

Your outlook is that some man you know nothing about is your soulmate and you’ve never had passion in your life. Do you really want to keep living like this? Also the odds are stacked against this ending well for you if you keep pursuing it. At best he rejects your advances and tells you he’s not interested in you. At worst your world is ruined and you lose your kids, job, and he blocks you or comes after you for harassing him when you keep bothering him.

No I won’t keep living like this. I will go back to being a workhorse mother and wife for the rest of my days. I have a dh w aspergers and zero passion or sparks or anything ever. But my kids love their dad, and divorcing would bring too much drama for everyone. I am just on here to vent, and try to look at it from a different perspective.

What do you want people to tell you? That it’s going to work out with someone married that you don’t know (and you think is on drugs) that is much younger and is your limerent object?

I don’t know, maybe that they’ve been through this before? I am looking for advice, I know what the answer is already. It’s just confusing and I wish I could either start a relationship with him or just completely forget about him forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

Thank you. I have no idea where people get these ideas from. Womrn can be platonic friends with married men. Many women I know have close married male friends from their childhood. It's usually not a problem, except for cases where the man has cheated before. In these cases, you can't blame the wives for being paranoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

I hear you, I have never once checked my dh’s phone, not once.

No one really knows anyone else's marriage. I was in a similar situation with a male friend colleague. We had chemistry, too. It was a lot of fun going to work. I enjoyed his company. As I got to know him, though, it became apparent his wife had big time trust issues with him. He started to let it be known that she was controlling. And yup, the phone was an issue.

So, if she sees the female friend/colleague as a threat, it's over. If that colleague is a rock star-- successful, attractive, speaks four languages, yoga instructor on the side, whatever- there goes the friendship. Again, it comes down to what's really going on in the marriage.

Lol. Yeah, that's it. I bet he forgot to tell you that he has crossed boundaries before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

They’re fine with it because they feel like they’re the ones ultimately in control of the situation.

Yep and they know the conversation hasn’t crossed into no go zones like complaining about spouses etc

Ughh, this is exactly what I mean. God forbid, your ‘hubby’ make a real friend who happens to be female. It’s all so possessive and restrictive. I must seek therapy to change my outlook.

Your outlook is that some man you know nothing about is your soulmate and you’ve never had passion in your life. Do you really want to keep living like this? Also the odds are stacked against this ending well for you if you keep pursuing it. At best he rejects your advances and tells you he’s not interested in you. At worst your world is ruined and you lose your kids, job, and he blocks you or comes after you for harassing him when you keep bothering him.

No I won’t keep living like this. I will go back to being a workhorse mother and wife for the rest of my days. I have a dh w aspergers and zero passion or sparks or anything ever. But my kids love their dad, and divorcing would bring too much drama for everyone. I am just on here to vent, and try to look at it from a different perspective.

This is the reality for a lot of people out there, men and women. People change into something better, or worse. It's bound to happen during most marriages. If you're 40 and this is your life now, well, then what? You may have another 40 years. If your spouse is easy to communicate with then yeah, maybe you can approach him and say I need to do XYZ to be happy and keeps this status quo (for him, not for you). If not and he's happy but doesn't want to open himself up to you taking your life in a direction that doesn't disrupt the family but allows you to grow as a person--traveling more on your own on the weekends, taking on new hobbies, and who knows, even having a close male friend on the side you can enjoy your time with, then you're just going to be held hostage by his inertia. Again, that's why talking to someone can help so you can approach things in a reasonable way, not lob a grenade at him and say I've had it I hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

This is dead on. OP, read this. And then read it again.

I say this as a married man who cheated in a similar situation. I liked my AP, I cared about her but there was zero chance I was leaving my marriage for her (I am still married). It was mostly about having sex with someone new and someone interested in me as my wife lost interest. But if I was going to leave my wife, I was going to leave to be SINGLE so I could play the Tinder game and all that.

Or as my recently divorced friend told me when I asked him why he broke up with his AP when he left his marriage: who tries to break back into jail?

Your fantasy object may have sex with you if you show interest, but don't expect more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

I hear you, I have never once checked my dh’s phone, not once.

No one really knows anyone else's marriage. I was in a similar situation with a male friend colleague. We had chemistry, too. It was a lot of fun going to work. I enjoyed his company. As I got to know him, though, it became apparent his wife had big time trust issues with him. He started to let it be known that she was controlling. And yup, the phone was an issue.

So, if she sees the female friend/colleague as a threat, it's over. If that colleague is a rock star-- successful, attractive, speaks four languages, yoga instructor on the side, whatever- there goes the friendship. Again, it comes down to what's really going on in the marriage.

Lol. Yeah, that's it. I bet he forgot to tell you that he has crossed boundaries before.

Well, yes. Someone who is going to pursue an affair is going to withhold a lot of info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sure, fantasize, enjoy his company at work. But honestly, based on what I've seen and experienced, men who go down that road with you and cheat on their wives are sorry sacks. They literally are cowards who can't afford to leave their wives even if they wanted to. Most are not some multi-millionaire exec who can afford the younger attractive woman who makes him feel 25 again, who he wants to replace his old wife with. These pathetic losers are scared of leaving their wives and upsetting their lives-- and probably also scared of losing a particular lifestyle. They'll get into an affair to save their marriages-- they want to stay married, but they want variety. The affair is marriage life support for them.

For most women who are terribly unhappy, it's a way out and hopefully into a new marriage and life. That's why these things are usually called "exit affairs" for women. But please, keep in mind, the men aren't looking for exits. Even if they're unhappy and their wife is a controlling harpy who forces him to spend every weekend with her miserable parents he detests, HE, WILL, NOT, LEAVE, HER. He'll say he loves her, too. And my guess is that he may love her in some way, but he's more in love with his stable life in a nice house and not having to move into a crappy apartment without room for all of his toys.

So, where does that leave you? Talk to a counselor and figure out what is really, truly wrong. Divorce isn't the end of the world. People get divorced all the time and go on to live better lives. If you're miserable, talk it out, and then if you need to, get out. But don't go down the affair road because you'll most likely be the one who gets hurt.

Eveb if he was a man looking for an upgrade to replace the dud wife with, men like that typically go younger from what I’ve seen, and op is 5-10 years older.

Look, I don’t want to ‘replace’ the wifey. I just want to be able to get to know him better, even just as a friend first, but I am forbidden to do that.

PP here. I get it. Yes, women are unfortunately forbidden to even be friends with married men. Unless you’re frumpy 60-year-old Marge who wears kitten sweatshirts. Even if you’re the best of buddies at work and all you do is drink coffee together at the Starbucks downstairs. As soon as wifey gets wind that her husband has a female friend he enjoys talking to, she’s going to shut that down or at the very least keep tabs on the relationship. And start checking his phone.

Umm this is not true. I am friends with married men. I do not want to sleep with them. Their wives know this and are fine with the friendship.

Thank you. I have no idea where people get these ideas from. Womrn can be platonic friends with married men. Many women I know have close married male friends from their childhood. It's usually not a problem, except for cases where the man has cheated before. In these cases, you can't blame the wives for being paranoid.

I can’t become friends with a married man at this point in life, it’s different if you grow up with the guy. I mean, establishing new friendships with a man, it’s impossible if they were married before you met.