6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP. I don’t think you have to force your kids to play with dolls, but you can prevent her from doing TikTok challenges and letting her a$$ hang out from her microskirt.

Then we are fine. She doesn't have TikTok and isn't interested when her friends do TikTok dances and I don't let her wear tiny dresses/skirts (and she has no interest in that). But, no I am not going to force her to play things that she doesn't enjoy just because other people think they are "age appropriate".

[Anonymous]

Puberty or not what's to gain from kids acting older? There are no real benefits. Parents like me are just trying to let our kids be kids for as long as they can. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

+1 🤮

That “social precociousness” is a totally normal stage of puberty.

Precocious in the sense that they are doing and wearing things that are not normal for 11 year olds.

Have you been in a middle school recently?

Oh please, adults have been rolling their eyes at the antics of middle school girls and their behaviors, language choices and style of dress forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Puberty or not what's to gain from kids acting older? There are no real benefits. Parents like me are just trying to let our kids be kids for as long as they can. Nothing wrong with that.

If your daughter feels like she is maturing and wants to act older, that’s ok too. We can all put healthy limits in place as parents, but some of the comments on here are borderline shaming girls for developing earlier and acting upon their sincere feelings as they grow up. If your daughter doesn’t feel like a kid anymore and doesn’t want to “be a kid for as long” as she can, that is acceptable too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. I don’t think you have to force your kids to play with dolls, but you can prevent her from doing TikTok challenges and letting her a$$ hang out from her microskirt.

Then we are fine. She doesn't have TikTok and isn't interested when her friends do TikTok dances and I don't let her wear tiny dresses/skirts (and she has no interest in that). But, no I am not going to force her to play things that she doesn't enjoy just because other people think they are "age appropriate".

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

+1 🤮

That “social precociousness” is a totally normal stage of puberty.

Precocious in the sense that they are doing and wearing things that are not normal for 11 year olds.

Have you been in a middle school recently?

Oh please, adults have been rolling their eyes at the antics of middle school girls and their behaviors, language choices and style of dress forever.

DP. Good middle school girls have been rolling their eyes at the wannabe-grown-ups’ bad behavior forever too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

I'm sorry that you find my daughter disturbing. I'm not sure what you'd like me to do about the fact that she is in the middle of puberty (she started on the early end of normal). She likes girls, not boys, but thinks the idea of kissing is gross. Other than that, she is much "older" than her age and isn't interested in hanging out with kids who are still playing with dolls or are playing pretend.

Honestly, she's what 11? I'd make her do at least some of that she's still a kid. I wouldn't want her to miss that just because she's trying to grow up too fast. It's not all puberty either. I hit puberty early too, now way was I about to give up being a kid that young.

Umm good luck "making" a pubescent and mature 11/12 year old play make believe or play with dolls. How would you do that?

This! And there is a stigma against the ones who feel too “grown up” for dolls and make believe. But, it’s not like the more “grown up” girls are acting like Kardashians or anything. At 11, my now teenage daughter would be embarrassed to play dress up or with dolls. When she had a friend over, they would bake cookies, “redecorate” her room (usually just moving posters around), listen to music, try on clothes, etc. All totally innocent activities but were more interesting to them than the toys and games they played with at 8-9.

There is no stigma, but why is it that any time someone mentions older kids should play everyone races to the idea that they need to act like they're 3? The activities you mention sound great, we did them too, but no reason why they can't or shouldn't run around and play with their friends especially at 11.

It’s pretty obvious that PP’s daughter is going to graduate towards friends that are no longer playing dress up or dolls, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her choice to do that. No one is saying she “shouldn’t run around and play with her friends.” We are saying that when some girls are done with dolls and ready to talk periods or boys or what have you, it’s natural her friendship circles will evolve to reflect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

+1 🤮

That “social precociousness” is a totally normal stage of puberty.

Precocious in the sense that they are doing and wearing things that are not normal for 11 year olds.

Have you been in a middle school recently?

Oh please, adults have been rolling their eyes at the antics of middle school girls and their behaviors, language choices and style of dress forever.

DP. Good middle school girls have been rolling their eyes at the wannabe-grown-ups’ bad behavior forever too.

And that’s fine! But the adult women in their lives can do their best to keep out of it all. Support your daughters but let them resolve things on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

+1 🤮

That “social precociousness” is a totally normal stage of puberty.

Precocious in the sense that they are doing and wearing things that are not normal for 11 year olds.

Have you been in a middle school recently?

Oh please, adults have been rolling their eyes at the antics of middle school girls and their behaviors, language choices and style of dress forever.

DP. Good middle school girls have been rolling their eyes at the wannabe-grown-ups’ bad behavior forever too.

And that’s fine! But the adult women in their lives can do their best to keep out of it all. Support your daughters but let them resolve things on their own.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

+1 🤮

That “social precociousness” is a totally normal stage of puberty.

Precocious in the sense that they are doing and wearing things that are not normal for 11 year olds.

Have you been in a middle school recently?

Oh please, adults have been rolling their eyes at the antics of middle school girls and their behaviors, language choices and style of dress forever.

DP. Good middle school girls have been rolling their eyes at the wannabe-grown-ups’ bad behavior forever too.

And that’s fine! But the adult women in their lives can do their best to keep out of it all. Support your daughters but let them resolve things on their own.

No.

You aren’t going to have a lot of options here. You can support your daughter’s feelings and encourage new friends and activities, but she is ultimately the one who has to take the initiative on those suggestions, and you can’t force the original group to include her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

Perfect example of a checked out parent.

Sounds like a perfect example of a normal, healthy parent-child relationship in middle school to me.

Maybe in 1980. Not now. Too many pitfalls and we know better than to hold up our parents' style of hands off parenting as some sort of aspirational goal.

Actually it is safer in 2022 than 1980. Less drugs, less drinking, less teen sex, less teen pregnancy, less kidnappings, etc..

You are rationalizing micro managing your teen friendships, over stepping, having 360, and coddling them instead of them learning mistakes and failures happen and how to bounce back. This is why anxiety and depression are so increased. The goal of perfection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

You didn’t read the post because it’s too long yet you still find yourself important enough to provide useless and rudely delivered advice.

lol - but the PP is right. Mom engineered friendships are toxic AF. I am not sure why parents and kids set themselves up for this

Because the parents are trying to redo their middle school years. They’re hoping if they push the “right” friendships, offer rides to soccer and swim, host play dates with no need for reciprocity, their kid will be a part of the “right” group. All I see are the parents teaching their kids to not be comfortable in their own skin, and to always to be social climbing.

YES!!!! And call it good parenting! smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not an answer to her question though.


Answer. One girl sure, maybe even two. But not her entire friend group. There’s something else going on here.

Right, but it may not be fixable. I remember distinctly in 6th grade that my group of friends and I were furious at another girl in the group because we felt she was boy-crazy and obsessed with boys and did not care about our softball team (which all of us were on) as much as she used to. At the time it seemed like the worst possible offense - but in reality, we were just at different places in life. There's nothing wrong with having less interest in softball and more in boys, but it is really, really hard for immature kids to see something like that in a reasonable light.

This happened to me at this age, except I was the late bloomer who was left behind when, seemingly overnight, all my friends became boy-crazy and we just couldn't relate to each other anymore. I don't think there's anything my mom could have said to the other moms to fix this.
It sucked, but I was able to connect with other kids through extracurricular activities (dance, art) so agree with all the advice to encourage DD to meet people outside of school.

This, and I had the exact same experience. 6th grade is really weird, in that half of the girls are like 11-going-on-16, while the other half are still little girls. The more mature girls are going to find the late bloomers immature and annoying, even if they previously were friends. OP, if you think this is what's happening, there's not much you can do other than encouraging other friendships. You can't make your DD more mature, and if the other girls are forced to include your DD, they will likely escalate from largely ignoring your DD to being quite mean.

The 11-going-on-16 girls are really disturbing, and their parents who think it’s totally great!

It really is ok for girls to develop sooner than other girls, both physically and in terms of their interest in the opposite sex. That is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is having a late bloomer something to be proud of.

Not sure exactly what PP meant but some girls in 6th are wearing very mature outfits, watching TikTok, speaking like a much older teen, etc.

It’s the social precociousness, not physical.

+1 🤮

Anyone who posts a vomit emoji for 6th graders that watch tik toks or wear crop tops have serious (and I mean SERIOUS) self esteem and mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP. I don’t think you have to force your kids to play with dolls, but you can prevent her from doing TikTok challenges and letting her a$$ hang out from her microskirt.

Oh wow. The Friday drunk mom moved from the elementary school board to here. Because ANY middle and high school parent know that zero teens are wearing “micro skirts” The style is baggy mom jeans, sweat pants, and crop or sport tops. Go too off your glass sweetie. Keep making a complete a$$ out of yourself.

And i don’t know one 6th grader playing with dolls. I sure didn’t either when I was in 6th grade. Stop babying teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Puberty or not what's to gain from kids acting older? There are no real benefits. Parents like me are just trying to let our kids be kids for as long as they can. Nothing wrong with that.

How about you let your kids decide what makes them happy and stop managing their every.single.move