How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

I see that. She did say the other person is a peer. This is an important day of my life (though it's my DD's wedding), and the *only* friends I'm inviting are these 4 women and their SOs. It's a small wedding. My DD babysit for Sue's kids for a few years.

I also don't see how our friendship will recover. I hear what you're saying and appreciate the gut check.

This is over the top, op.

Disagree.

OP, I would be hurt and pissed too. Would I get over it and move to with a friendship with Sue as part of this group? Probably, because it's easier than being a drama queen and causing confrontations and problems with the other friends. BUT I would never forget it and I would assume that in the future, Sue can't be counted on when the chips are down. Some people are just like that. You know now where you stand and that's OK, but forget this.

The chips weren’t down. Wtf are you even talking about? Another drama queen here.

No, the chips aren't down in this particular case, but if they ever were, I would hesitate to get this particular friend too involved, or to expect much from her. It's pretty clear that the relationship does not mean as much to Sue as it does to OP. And that is fine - people show their true colors, you accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

OP said she could discuss it with her friend, but I didn’t see OP acknowledging she owed the friend an apology, which many of us believe.

You are right that she did not specifically say she owed an apology (and I never said otherwise), but she did say she recognized she was being unreasonable and needed to reach out to her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

I see that. She did say the other person is a peer. This is an important day of my life (though it's my DD's wedding), and the *only* friends I'm inviting are these 4 women and their SOs. It's a small wedding. My DD babysit for Sue's kids for a few years.

I also don't see how our friendship will recover. I hear what you're saying and appreciate the gut check.

This is over the top, op.

Disagree.

OP, I would be hurt and pissed too. Would I get over it and move to with a friendship with Sue as part of this group? Probably, because it's easier than being a drama queen and causing confrontations and problems with the other friends. BUT I would never forget it and I would assume that in the future, Sue can't be counted on when the chips are down. Some people are just like that. You know now where you stand and that's OK, but forget this.

The chips weren’t down. Wtf are you even talking about? Another drama queen here.

No, the chips aren't down in this particular case, but if they ever were, I would hesitate to get this particular friend too involved, or to expect much from her. It's pretty clear that the relationship does not mean as much to Sue as it does to OP. And that is fine - people show their true colors, you accept it and move on.

DP. People who have such unbending litmus tests for friendships tend to not have very many good friends. Although I'm sure you'll come back to proclaim yourself the exception.

[Anonymous]

It seems like "Sue" had what she felt was a pretty big conflict and made a choice - that a friend's wedding trumped a friend's daughter's wedding. Difficult for someone outside the conflict to assess which is the correct choice but a case could be made either way. Perhaps she thought OP's daughter's wedding was about the younger generation mostly and she wouldn't be missed.

It also sounds like she tried to compromise when she realized how upset OP was, but it ultimately wouldn't work. In the end, both "Sue" and OP did not communicate very well with each other given a 20 year friendship - both not particularly understanding.

The weird part for me is "Sue" not letting OP know in any way until the last minute - no RSVP card, no phone call? Maybe she knew OP would have a big reaction and was just hoping to avoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

OP said she could discuss it with her friend, but I didn’t see OP acknowledging she owed the friend an apology, which many of us believe.

You are right that she did not specifically say she owed an apology (and I never said otherwise), but she did say she recognized she was being unreasonable and needed to reach out to her friend.

I took that to mean OP would be willing to accept her friends apology…whereas before the DCUM thread even that was off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Oh for gd's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Given what we've seen of OP, do you really think OP would have handled that gracefully?

Quite probably, but it is the right way to handle the conflict. What was "Sue" planning to do, just not RSVP and not show up? Eventually OP was going to find out, why not at least try to explain the situation and take the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Given what we've seen of OP, do you really think OP would have handled that gracefully?

Quite probably, but it is the right way to handle the conflict. What was "Sue" planning to do, just not RSVP and not show up? Eventually OP was going to find out, why not at least try to explain the situation and take the high road.

Right? The whole no-RSVP/trying to ignore the situation is so weird and really the most infuriating part of the whole story. Every friend has a flake, but this is so strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need a gut check.

My DD is getting married next week. I have 4 close girlfriends. We see each other weekly & have done so for 20+ years (all our kids are now grown); we take trips together, have a group text, and generally are a fun & drama-free set (which I've always found remarkable). All 4 friends have known about DD's wedding for well over a year, and we've continually talked about how exciting it all will be.

This is about 1 of those friends, whom I'll call Sue. When the RSVP date came & passed late last month, and my DD hadn't received the RSVP card from Sue, I called Sue to double check that both she & her DH would be coming. I thought it was a pro forma call, since we'd talked about my DD's wedding for so long, and she'd offered to help. She said she wouldn't be coming. Another friend (from her workplace) was getting married on the same day at the same time, and she felt she needed to go to that other wedding, because she'd helped introduce the couple.

I explained I was hurt and disappointed, and I needed some time to process. She immediately changed course, said she had made a certain calculus, and she'd felt wrong about it. So then she said she would be coming to my DD's wedding, but her husband would go to the other person's wedding. Okay.

Next (sorry this is long), she called me again earlier this week. She talked about splitting the day for herself - coming to my DD's ceremony & then driving an hour to the other person's reception. I was confused, and I told her I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I thought we'd talked it all out. She'd known about my DD's wedding first, we've been incredibly close for over 20 years, and she'd already said she'd be there. My DD paid the final deposit, etc. (not that it's about money, but just a point of fact). After we talked for half an hour, she said she'd stay at my DD's wedding for a few hours...and I reiterated that I wanted to be sure this was something she wanted to do. Yes, it was. Again, okay.

Then I get a text a few days ago. She wrote that her DH was putting his foot down (something he actually wouldn't have done), and she regretted not being able to be in two places at one time, but she was only going to attend the other wedding. WTAF?

I texted back something along the lines of...seriously? I texted that she was going to do what she was going to do, nothing much I could say, but I clearly understood where I stand in terms of her feelings about our friendship.

Since then, radio silence. The painful part is we're all part of a group, and I don't care to introduce drama to it. The other friends & I will all be at my DD's wedding. I'm sure Sue and I will still be together quite a lot. But I have zero interest in opening up to her again in any honest fashion, I don't care to extend much grace to her, and I'm hurt. Am I wrong here? What am I missing? Did I apply to much pressure by being honest about how I felt? If you were me, would you brush it off? Please help me figure this out.

This is a viewpoint difference. You view weddings as centering the parents (who are celebrating/sending off their children). Sue views weddings as centering the person getting married. She chose to attend the wedding of the bride and groom she personally is closer to — not the wedding of the parents of the bride and groom she is closer to.

I’m on Sues side.

[Anonymous]

How did your daughter react? Honestly is my daughter was not irked, it would not faze me in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Given what we've seen of OP, do you really think OP would have handled that gracefully?

Quite probably, but it is the right way to handle the conflict. What was "Sue" planning to do, just not RSVP and not show up? Eventually OP was going to find out, why not at least try to explain the situation and take the high road.

Right? The whole no-RSVP/trying to ignore the situation is so weird and really the most infuriating part of the whole story. Every friend has a flake, but this is so strange.

It quite clearly shows that Sue is afraid of OP. Sounds like OP is used to setting the tone and temperature of every interaction, is a known bean-counter, and sucks the energy out of the room. OP has gotten her way, gotten attention, has enjoyed all the benefits of being Queen Bee…but guess what? When you set up a dynamic like that, your friends become afraid of upsetting you or having conflict with you, because they know you aren’t a mature, trustworthy, reasonable person.

Want your friends to be forthright in real-time? Don’t intimidate, bully, judge, and run the show at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Given what we've seen of OP, do you really think OP would have handled that gracefully?

Quite probably, but it is the right way to handle the conflict. What was "Sue" planning to do, just not RSVP and not show up? Eventually OP was going to find out, why not at least try to explain the situation and take the high road.

Right? The whole no-RSVP/trying to ignore the situation is so weird and really the most infuriating part of the whole story. Every friend has a flake, but this is so strange.

It quite clearly shows that Sue is afraid of OP. Sounds like OP is used to setting the tone and temperature of every interaction, is a known bean-counter, and sucks the energy out of the room. OP has gotten her way, gotten attention, has enjoyed all the benefits of being Queen Bee…but guess what? When you set up a dynamic like that, your friends become afraid of upsetting you or having conflict with you, because they know you aren’t a mature, trustworthy, reasonable person.

Want your friends to be forthright in real-time? Don’t intimidate, bully, judge, and run the show at all times.

It quite clearly shows that Sue is a rude selfish dolt.

As for the bolded -- OMG, there's no evidence of that anywhere in what OP posted. That's the inside of your head, PP! Be careful what you expose to a bunch of strangers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize before the wedding, not after.

You owe her a BIG apology. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You made an AWFUL mistake by treating her like that. Sounds like you are used to getting your way in your friend group. YIKES.

DP. OP came back several pages ago and acknowledged that her reaction was inappropriate and that she needed to make things right with her friend. Whoever is going on the attack now is not OP, unless she is sockpuppeting.

She said she neeeededddddd timmmmmmmeeeeee but was sure it would get back on track when the dust settled blah blah blah. She should not delay, she should apologize NOW, she is very much in the wrong.

Oh brother. The delicate flower thinks OP expressing that she wants her close friend to be at her DD's wedding warrants an apology. She should apologize so she can continue with some crumbs of what she thought was a close friendship? That friendship is over.

Expressing a want is fine; bullying is not. Pushing back once she received a “no” and then keeping on harping and continuing on with “seriously” was bullying. OP is beyond selfish and should apologize NOW, not after she deems the other person has suffered enough.

The so-called friend didn't even bother to RSVP. She made OP reach out to her. She owes OP an apology for treating her like she means nothing to her. Not even worthy of a "sorry but we can't attend."

I really think you're misreading Sue's response/non-RSVP. I don't believe for a second it's because she doesn't care. I believe it's because she does care, was trying to make it work - and also knew that OP was going to explode, and was trying to avoid that.

But also if you're wililng to cut off a 20 year friendship over something like this, then it wasn't much of a friendship.