17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

^ And you don't need to go to court for that.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, would your ex make your son miss playing in every other football game this fall, or the homecoming dance? Just so he can physically have his son sitting inside his house? Would this jerk really make his son miss important high school events? It’s just so sad. He didn’t ask his father to move so far away. I really feel for your son. And I also feel some level of sadness for your ex because he can’t seem to save him from himself. He’s well I. His way to making his son truly have feelings of hate towards him. And I’m sure he’ll never see the role he played in that. It will be much easier for him to tell himself and the world that OP turned his son Against him. Such a cliche.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

How much extra child support do you think you'd get by him losing two days a month? You already have full custody. It does sound like there is more to this.

I already said any impact would be negligible, which is why I explained I would never seek more child support.

I was trying to preempt anyone accusing me of wanting to get more money, or accusing my ex of not wanting to pay more money. I'm saying this isn't a factor, at all. CS hasn't changed in over 4 years, even when I was laid off, and I don't care at this point. It isn't worth the fight.

It sounds like this really is about more, possibly money. You aren't going to get a huge amount of child support extra for those two days a month. It does sound like a big factor as you are the one raising child support.

The issue is Dad has 4 days a month with his child. You are now at best reducing it to two days, possibly none. He wants to be a father and you're not supporting it. Come up with an alternative schedule so he keeps his 4 days a month.

I’m not op but you have the worst reading comprehension I’ve ever seen. She’s saying she will not ask for more child support even if visitation decreases. Go back to your incel basement

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

Op, I hate to break it to you but CSS schools take both parents income into account despite custody status.

FAFSA schools will be willing to calculate based on just your income, but they are changing that so junior and senior year your son may not get as much aid.

Your ex husband sounds like a dick on so many levels. I think you need to tell him that you will drive the son home from his house and he needs to come there and be the one to make the son get in the car. You can’t force a teenager to get in a car.

[Anonymous]

Maybe say to your kid, look, I understand, and I agree with you. But I don’t have enough money to fight this in court. See going to your dads every weekend as a way to save more money for college.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

Op, I hate to break it to you but CSS schools take both parents income into account despite custody status.

FAFSA schools will be willing to calculate based on just your income, but they are changing that so junior and senior year your son may not get as much aid.

Your ex husband sounds like a dick on so many levels. I think you need to tell him that you will drive the son home from his house and he needs to come there and be the one to make the son get in the car. You can’t force a teenager to get in a car.

It depends on the state. Some include both income, and some just include the custodial parent. Dad has no custody.

He is not being a D@@K by keeping his visitation schedule. Yes, you can force a kid to go if you give other consequences. If she does not push or encourage it, she is just as much a problem as the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say to your kid, look, I understand, and I agree with you. But I don’t have enough money to fight this in court. See going to your dads every weekend as a way to save more money for college.

You don't say this either. You say its important to have a relationship with both of us and you will be going to visits.

And, OP is not saving more money by not fighting this. OP doesn't have the money to fight it and its a silly battle. Kid sees dad 4 days a month. Its not a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

The dad is not making his relationship with his son a priority by refusing to compromise on the current visitation schedule. The mom is not taking anything away. A 17 year old is old enough to decide whether or not to spend weekends at his dad's house. Quit punishing the kid for having divorced parents.

They're trying to punish the mom. The kid is their weapon of choice.

No one is punishing the mom. Child is court ordered to have two visits a month. Dad is making it a priority by enforcing the visits. If Dad refused the visits he'd be vilified to. No matter what Dad does he is wrong and the bad one. A 17 year old legally is still a child. If a child doesn't do what is asked, as a parent you have consequences. So, if this kid wants to stay out all night, mom will say yes? All weekend to party with friends, mom will say yes. Of course not.

If mom does not bring the child to the visits as ordered/scheduled, she is refusing to cooperate and taking away the visits. This is equally on Mom and Dad. Mom can offer an alternative schedule and see if it works for Dad as another option.

No he's not. Has he offered to come pick up his son? No. He won't even talk to his son about it. Dad's picking on mom to try to make her deal with an issue that he should deal with himself.

Visitation shouldn't be optional.

yes it should

Then, so should child support. Why should a parent have to financially support a child they don't have a relationship with.

Bottomline is this is court ordered child support. Mom needs to stand up to her kid and tell him he's going or give consequences. Its called parenting.

So they're not left destitute? So they're not draining the public coffers when one of their parents has money? Wouldn't you feel bad knowing your kid isn't having their basic needs met?

Dad is such an A and the son is so reluctant I have to wonder if something else is going on, like dad is a closet alcoholic.

OP is not alleging any abuse or neglect or other issues. You are making up stuff.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe say to your kid, look, I understand, and I agree with you. But I don’t have enough money to fight this in court. See going to your dads every weekend as a way to save more money for college.

You don't say this either. You say its important to have a relationship with both of us and you will be going to visits.

And, OP is not saving more money by not fighting this. OP doesn't have the money to fight it and its a silly battle. Kid sees dad 4 days a month. Its not a lot of time.

Your words have no power here and OP is probably not your ex.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

The dad is not making his relationship with his son a priority by refusing to compromise on the current visitation schedule. The mom is not taking anything away. A 17 year old is old enough to decide whether or not to spend weekends at his dad's house. Quit punishing the kid for having divorced parents.

They're trying to punish the mom. The kid is their weapon of choice.

No one is punishing the mom. Child is court ordered to have two visits a month. Dad is making it a priority by enforcing the visits. If Dad refused the visits he'd be vilified to. No matter what Dad does he is wrong and the bad one. A 17 year old legally is still a child. If a child doesn't do what is asked, as a parent you have consequences. So, if this kid wants to stay out all night, mom will say yes? All weekend to party with friends, mom will say yes. Of course not.

If mom does not bring the child to the visits as ordered/scheduled, she is refusing to cooperate and taking away the visits. This is equally on Mom and Dad. Mom can offer an alternative schedule and see if it works for Dad as another option.

No he's not. Has he offered to come pick up his son? No. He won't even talk to his son about it. Dad's picking on mom to try to make her deal with an issue that he should deal with himself.

Visitation shouldn't be optional.

yes it should

Then, so should child support. Why should a parent have to financially support a child they don't have a relationship with.

Bottomline is this is court ordered child support. Mom needs to stand up to her kid and tell him he's going or give consequences. Its called parenting.

So they're not left destitute? So they're not draining the public coffers when one of their parents has money? Wouldn't you feel bad knowing your kid isn't having their basic needs met?

Dad is such an A and the son is so reluctant I have to wonder if something else is going on, like dad is a closet alcoholic.

OP is not alleging any abuse or neglect or other issues. You are making up stuff.

I have been on this earth long enough to learn that cynics are: 1) unliked 2) usually right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has DS tried saying to Dad: "hey Dad, I'm looking forward to our visit this weekend. I have football practice Saturday afternoon, and dinner with the team afterward. Since I don't have a car yet, will you drive me to those events, or do I need to find someone to pick me up?". (The "someone" could be you, but don't specify that up front).

Basically, make it about attending the specific activities on any given weekend, not a battle over visitation in general. Dad might be willing to be a d*CK to you, but hopefully he'll be nicer when he has to face his son directly.

I like this idea.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

Op, I hate to break it to you but CSS schools take both parents income into account despite custody status.

FAFSA schools will be willing to calculate based on just your income, but they are changing that so junior and senior year your son may not get as much aid.

Your ex husband sounds like a dick on so many levels. I think you need to tell him that you will drive the son home from his house and he needs to come there and be the one to make the son get in the car. You can’t force a teenager to get in a car.

It depends on the state. Some include both income, and some just include the custodial parent. Dad has no custody.

He is not being a D@@K by keeping his visitation schedule. Yes, you can force a kid to go if you give other consequences. If she does not push or encourage it, she is just as much a problem as the child.

We heard you a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe say to your kid, look, I understand, and I agree with you. But I don’t have enough money to fight this in court. See going to your dads every weekend as a way to save more money for college.

You don't say this either. You say its important to have a relationship with both of us and you will be going to visits.

And, OP is not saving more money by not fighting this. OP doesn't have the money to fight it and its a silly battle. Kid sees dad 4 days a month. Its not a lot of time.

Your words have no power here and OP is probably not your ex.

LOL thank you. This guy is fixated. I pity his actual ex.

[Anonymous]

OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

How much extra child support do you think you'd get by him losing two days a month? You already have full custody. It does sound like there is more to this.

I already said any impact would be negligible, which is why I explained I would never seek more child support.

I was trying to preempt anyone accusing me of wanting to get more money, or accusing my ex of not wanting to pay more money. I'm saying this isn't a factor, at all. CS hasn't changed in over 4 years, even when I was laid off, and I don't care at this point. It isn't worth the fight.

It sounds like this really is about more, possibly money. You aren't going to get a huge amount of child support extra for those two days a month. It does sound like a big factor as you are the one raising child support.

The issue is Dad has 4 days a month with his child. You are now at best reducing it to two days, possibly none. He wants to be a father and you're not supporting it. Come up with an alternative schedule so he keeps his 4 days a month.

Good grief. I've said several times now. This is not about money, at all. I do not want more CS, nor do I expect it, nor would I even take it if it was offered to me. It. Isn't. A. Factor. Sorry for preemptively trying to clarify that. I'm sorry I even mentioned it. I just didn't want to be accused of trying to get more money, as moms so frequently are on these boards.

Don’t bother, OP. Every thread that even tangentially relates to custody or CS is endlessly, repetitively hammered by the same angry divorced MRA dudebros and their angry second wives, who resent them paying child support. Just ignore them.