Pendente Lite Guideline vs Actual Spousal Support (in VA) -- How did it compare in your case? SAHM
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Anonymous
We all here have jobs now. It just depends WHICH jobs a woman can get after certain age and gaps on resume |
Anonymous
| Being a parent is a job. Get a clue. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Sorry my post was inserted mid-quote. I'll try again.
I'm the poster above who stayed home for a number of years. I want to clarify that I would never expect alimony in this situation even though my earning potential took a big hit. I'm doing ok now. Had I not stopped working I'd probably be making at least 200K at least. I left the workforce in 2008 90K came back full-time in 2018 at the same number and am now at 130K. What I'm concerned about is the 401(k) situation. I was so far behind when I went back to work that I'll never make up the ground that I lost. I have 400K and he has 2m. To the working spouses who were able to manage it all, kudos to you. I've had years to come to terms with the fact that I didn't choose my spouse very well. He would have never been mr. 50% and I couldn't see trying to hold it all together while working and having two small kids. He got to continue with his entitled behavior, advance in his career, make extremely limited contributions at home etc. etc. I'm back at work, doing all the cooking, 90% of driving kids, all household organization, and he is still sailing along. Covid has been a huge blessing to work-life balance for me at least! |
Anonymous
oh boo hoo. Get over it and move on. You have more in your 401k than I do. |
Anonymous
If you were to divorce tomorrow, your would get the 50% of totality of 401k accounts, e.g. $1.2mm. There are some caveats with appraising, better to take 50% in his pension upfront if you can "discount" some for him. But the largest problem is not your lost 401k DURING marriage: it's the damaged earning capacity and your ability to make new savings AFTER the divorce. All your future 401K contributions took a hit: you would save, for example, $1mm over the nest 20 years instead of $3mm should you continued working. I've done a lot of research during my divorce: basically, with such husbands who dont pick a slack it's better for a woman to hire a driver, a nanny and a live-in aupair and spend all salary on them, vs quitting your job. Because lost salary would be "made up" with joint earnings and 50/50 assets division but your future "after divorce" 401k contributions will never recover. It's a lifetime financial hit. You add to it that women often become care givers to aging parents. We never recover financially from the child birth, most of us and even with alimony. It is extremely important for SAHM to have additional investments with husbands during marriage: we did income producing real estate. So I did get 50% of these assets which "compensates" me for this lost future 401k contributions. But I am a very rare and lucky exception. Don't keep cash or brokerage accounts with large amounts of money during marriage: these are very easy to dissipate if he has control and you will spend hundreds of thousands trying to recover. Mine sent stocks to foreign trusts. And yes, postnups or prenups are not entirely protecting you: what if this wealthy husband has all his money tied up in trusts to which you have no access, and he claims no ability to pay or that all these trusts were pre-marital? Again, years of litigation just to get that alimony promised in prenup. You are very lucky to being able to return to the same salary level as in 2008: what is your field? Plus, you were able to increase your income to $120k, which is amazing! I could only get $60k in 2021 vs 86K in 2008. And it's nearly impossible for me to climb back to $100k+ in my company which takes 5-6 years on average. I will go back to grad school at 45 to obtain certifications to get into a better paying field. I honestly don't know if having children is even worth all these sacrifices but I just can't imagine my life without my son. |
Anonymous
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I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.
I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out. |
Anonymous
Not all women have degrees in sociology. I am an attorney, and my earning capacity certainly took a lifetime hit. |
Anonymous
This. Hardly being thrown into poverty. |
Anonymous
But she could have had a healthy salary of $100K and nice retirement of her own. PP, why didn't she work? How many kids did you have, did you help her around the house? What caused the divorce? |
Anonymous
That's true to some extent, but there are some things you can check in advance. My husband and I also met in grad school (not law but something similarly competitive) and we talked through all of this early on while dating. I was head over heels, but I also treated it like a job interview -- I was clear I didn't want to put my career second, and looked for someone who could support that. Dating is the perfect time to see how tidy his place is, how well he cooks, whether he dotes on his nieces and nephews, if he was raised with a working mom and understand what that entails, if he is selfish or giving. You want a man who prioritizes family and is clear that he values having a wife who is an equal. My husband supports my career and he also knows that's a non-negotiable to me. You have to also be willing to walk if you don't get the support you want. As always in life, it's about your leverage. |
Anonymous
Most wives are not "true equals" from the career standpoint and should not be considered as such. You are a case in point. You were making about half what he did when you started. Then when you got divorced he was making $1m a year. If you hadn't gotten married you would not be making $1m a year. Your career was in no respect equal to his, get outta here with that nonsense. "He should contribute equally even if she makes $50K and he makes $500K." -- another absolutely ridiculous example. These people are not even close to equal and it is absurd to insist that he should consider her one. If the genders were reversed, she was making $500k and him $50k, let's not even pretend she would consider him an equal. Indeed, they'd be so unequal that she'd never even consider marrying him in the first place. The cold hard fact is that women don't want to marry an equal - they want to "marry up" - but at the same time they want the man to pretend she is his "true equal". Which is fine if that makes her feel happy during the marriage, but when it comes to making a financial settlement during divorce, nope, forget that sht, you were NOT his equal and you shouldn't be treated as one. |
Anonymous
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I don’t think it’s reasonable to generalize about the SAH decision. In my larger circle alone I have examples of each of the below I can point to:
- SAH mutually agreed upon and supported by both spouses, WOH closely involved - ineffective SAH who quit against wishes of WOH who does a lot at home, deep resentment by WOH - SAH mutually agreed upon but WOH has become controlling jerk, SAH hides spending and has to ask for money - SAH who quit with mutual support, years later WOH is rewriting narrative as SAH was unilateral and unwanted - Reluctant SAH forced into that position by being traveling spouse who is appreciative - SAH who refused to go back to work after kids were in school despite earlier agreement - SAH of SN kid where there is disagreement on how to handle SN kid - SAH where WOH is so checked out he doesn’t know what grade his kids are in - SAH who is totally alcoholic and non-functioning, WOH hires nannies and scrambles all the time - SAH who quit with mutual support, WOH has uncontrolled rage issues and SAH won’t leave kids alone with WOH All married though I suspect a few will eventually fail. |
Anonymous
I disagree with all you said. I was making 85K while being 10 years younger when he was making 170K. He had 10 years already in his career thus he was making more (and he started at 25 at $35K vs my 85K). If I continued working in my field and he supported me equally at home, his income would be $500k and my probably around $350K by the time of divorce. He would have never made it to $1mm as it took him to travel extensively (100 days out of country every year), meet with business partners, attend conferences etc. He had this luxury thanks to ME. If he was driving around our child to massages and therapies in DC he would have grown in a different pace and won't be an executive business owner. He would be still working for others, at a high profile corporate career. Any man who thinks the way you think will be a "slacker" with household duties and kids and not a marriage material. I have friends where the husband is making 700K and she makes 70K and husbands still do their best to be with famlies |
Anonymous
I was these 3 combined:"- SAH of SN kid where there is disagreement on how to handle SN kid " "Reluctant SAH forced into that position by being traveling spouse who is appreciative" and, by the end of the marriage "SAH who quit with mutual support, years later WOH is rewriting narrative as SAH was unilateral and unwanted " |