Pendente Lite Guideline vs Actual Spousal Support (in VA) -- How did it compare in your case? SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

Sounds like you cheated and are blaming her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

This thread and all the others on here. Financial predators.

Then don’t. Don’t have kids, don’t get married, go play XBox. No one needs you.

Interesting how some grown women think that they should be taken care of financially. Be a feminist and get a job.

This is because you don't see work outside of the house as work. It's actual work. More work most of the time. It never ends. And yes stay at home parents have more time to shop and cook for you, take care of your kids (a nanny alone charges $15 an hour per kid around here), and pets, clean your room and do your laundry. Handle finances and pay taxes, and handle appointments and vacation planning. Buy gifts. Coordinate friend get-togethers. This is also why men want another women right after. They know they don't want to handle this work. But it's actual work. There are actually ways you can outsource this stuff and you can see how it all adds up financially.

I’m a WOHM. You need to be a bit more objective. The childcare part, yes. You covered — his half. You would have had to cover your half from your paycheck if you worked because it’s your child also. So take that $15 and make it $7.50. The rest of the stuff WOHMs do too. You think someone else buys the gifts? Plans the vacations and holidays? I’m folding a load of laundry every other night.

It is not a good financial deal for women to SAH. Not for the husband, not for the wife. There are other intangibles but if you get divorced recognize you had the privilege of not working for many years and that’s what it was. I am not saying there should not be child support and bridge alimony. But a man is not a plan. You can’t plan to live off someone else’s job and never support yourself in life.

100% this.

I 100% recognize this now but I didn't at the time. Since that is the situation, should I forever be up against a financial wall? My earning potential suffered while he never had to miss a meeting, a work dinner, or a business trip. His continued to contribute to retirement while I stayed at home. I took a job earning the same amount as I was making 8 years prior when I left the workforce. I'm happily working full-time now and would not expect spousal support but what about the 1/2 of the retirement contributions and interest for the period that I was at home?

Yes, that’s what you chose when you decided to SAH. I’m not being mean, that’s just life. It’s a trade off and the woman assumes a lot of the risk in that scenario. I would never recommend it to my daughter unless she had a great prenup and even then — why? Life is uncertain, don’t put your eggs in one basket.

It is always important for women to look out for themselves. Many women sell themselves down the river for a Hallmark card slogan one day of the year. If it was such a good deal to stay at home and so valuable and important, men would do it.

I mean sort of except alimony DOES exist for women who make this choice, and rightfully so.

Permanent alimony is only available in 14 states. Taking alimony means you're depending on your ex to pay. My only point is that it's a position of relative vulnerability, which is why you rarely see men taking it. Men look out for themselves. The whole thing is very tricky. I will advise my daughter never to marry someone who isn't willing to make career sacrifices to the same extent that she does. Both parents need to be involved in raising the kids, and both need to take the career hits. Otherwise you're taking a real risk with your financial future, unless you are independently wealthy.

I totally agree with the statement above. A man who is not willing to equally sacrifice his career for kids is not considering his wife an equal. He should contribute equally even if she makes $50K and he makes $500K. It's not about the money, it's about considering the wife a true equal and valuing her work in the office and at home.
My income was not that far from my exH when I was 25 ($85K at 25 vs his $170 at 30+). But when I took the setback, he did not and by the end of the marriage I had zero independent income while he had a $1mm/year. And he decided he was god and I was nobody, cheated on me and we divorced.

This shows in fact how much professional women can loose if they sacrifice themselves for kids and receive no support.

Most wives are not "true equals" from the career standpoint and should not be considered as such. You are a case in point. You were making about half what he did when you started. Then when you got divorced he was making $1m a year. If you hadn't gotten married you would not be making $1m a year. Your career was in no respect equal to his, get outta here with that nonsense.

"He should contribute equally even if she makes $50K and he makes $500K." -- another absolutely ridiculous example. These people are not even close to equal and it is absurd to insist that he should consider her one. If the genders were reversed, she was making $500k and him $50k, let's not even pretend she would consider him an equal. Indeed, they'd be so unequal that she'd never even consider marrying him in the first place.

The cold hard fact is that women don't want to marry an equal - they want to "marry up" - but at the same time they want the man to pretend she is his "true equal". Which is fine if that makes her feel happy during the marriage, but when it comes to making a financial settlement during divorce, nope, forget that sht, you were NOT his equal and you shouldn't be treated as one.

I disagree with all you said. I was making 85K while being 10 years younger when he was making 170K. He had 10 years already in his career thus he was making more (and he started at 25 at $35K vs my 85K). If I continued working in my field and he supported me equally at home, his income would be $500k and my probably around $350K by the time of divorce. He would have never made it to $1mm as it took him to travel extensively (100 days out of country every year), meet with business partners, attend conferences etc. He had this luxury thanks to ME. If he was driving around our child to massages and therapies in DC he would have grown in a different pace and won't be an executive business owner. He would be still working for others, at a high profile corporate career.

Any man who thinks the way you think will be a "slacker" with household duties and kids and not a marriage material. I have friends where the husband is making 700K and she makes 70K and husbands still do their best to be with famlies

You're just further supporting my point that you were not equal to the man you married. He was older and making more, so of course you were not his equal. That undoubtedly contributed to your decision to marry him. If you married a guy the same age and salary as you, then you would have been equal. But you didn't. And sorry, if he hadn't married you then he'd still be making $1m now. He might not have kids or he'd have them with a different woman but he'd be there. You are grossly exaggerating your importance as bitter ex-wives invariably do.

"I have friends where the husband is making 700K and she makes 70K and husbands still do their best to be with famlies" -- ok that's great but it has absolutely nothing to do with them being equals. And in those cases they are clearly not "true equals", the husband is superior to the wife for all that he takes time to "be with his family".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

Being the “woman behind the power” is the most misogynistic of all positions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

Being the “woman behind the power” is the most misogynistic of all positions.

I’ll add that teamwork should include household duties and which job responsibilities a spouse takes on and how that will affect the marriage. when you start encouraging and manipulating a spouse into a career because you want to it crosses the line between having two adult partners or a parent and child relationship. It is disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s reasonable to generalize about the SAH decision. In my larger circle alone I have examples of each of the below I can point to:

- SAH mutually agreed upon and supported by both spouses, WOH closely involved
- ineffective SAH who quit against wishes of WOH who does a lot at home, deep resentment by WOH
- SAH mutually agreed upon but WOH has become controlling jerk, SAH hides spending and has to ask for money
- SAH who quit with mutual support, years later WOH is rewriting narrative as SAH was unilateral and unwanted
- Reluctant SAH forced into that position by being traveling spouse who is appreciative
- SAH who refused to go back to work after kids were in school despite earlier agreement
- SAH of SN kid where there is disagreement on how to handle SN kid
- SAH where WOH is so checked out he doesn’t know what grade his kids are in
- SAH who is totally alcoholic and non-functioning, WOH hires nannies and scrambles all the time
- SAH who quit with mutual support, WOH has uncontrolled rage issues and SAH won’t leave kids alone with WOH

All married though I suspect a few will eventually fail.

I was these 3 combined:"- SAH of SN kid where there is disagreement on how to handle SN kid " "Reluctant SAH forced into that position by being traveling spouse who is appreciative" and, by the end of the marriage "SAH who quit with mutual support, years later WOH is rewriting narrative as SAH was unilateral and unwanted "

I suspect that a lot of marriages phase like that, especially ones that fail.

I know a current alcoholic SAHM who started as a mutually supported SAHM. She is now in and out of rehab. He’d like to divorce but can’t trust she won’t fight for custody which would be dangerous to the kids.

I know another SAHM where her DH is clearly rewriting history and claiming her decision to quit was unilateral; it was obviously not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes at this thread. Never get married fellas!

This thread and all the others on here. Financial predators.

Then don’t. Don’t have kids, don’t get married, go play XBox. No one needs you.

Interesting how some grown women think that they should be taken care of financially. Be a feminist and get a job.

This is because you don't see work outside of the house as work. It's actual work. More work most of the time. It never ends. And yes stay at home parents have more time to shop and cook for you, take care of your kids (a nanny alone charges $15 an hour per kid around here), and pets, clean your room and do your laundry. Handle finances and pay taxes, and handle appointments and vacation planning. Buy gifts. Coordinate friend get-togethers. This is also why men want another women right after. They know they don't want to handle this work. But it's actual work. There are actually ways you can outsource this stuff and you can see how it all adds up financially.

I’m a WOHM. You need to be a bit more objective. The childcare part, yes. You covered — his half. You would have had to cover your half from your paycheck if you worked because it’s your child also. So take that $15 and make it $7.50. The rest of the stuff WOHMs do too. You think someone else buys the gifts? Plans the vacations and holidays? I’m folding a load of laundry every other night.

It is not a good financial deal for women to SAH. Not for the husband, not for the wife. There are other intangibles but if you get divorced recognize you had the privilege of not working for many years and that’s what it was. I am not saying there should not be child support and bridge alimony. But a man is not a plan. You can’t plan to live off someone else’s job and never support yourself in life.

100% this.

I 100% recognize this now but I didn't at the time. Since that is the situation, should I forever be up against a financial wall? My earning potential suffered while he never had to miss a meeting, a work dinner, or a business trip. His continued to contribute to retirement while I stayed at home. I took a job earning the same amount as I was making 8 years prior when I left the workforce. I'm happily working full-time now and would not expect spousal support but what about the 1/2 of the retirement contributions and interest for the period that I was at home?

Yes, that’s what you chose when you decided to SAH. I’m not being mean, that’s just life. It’s a trade off and the woman assumes a lot of the risk in that scenario. I would never recommend it to my daughter unless she had a great prenup and even then — why? Life is uncertain, don’t put your eggs in one basket.

It is always important for women to look out for themselves. Many women sell themselves down the river for a Hallmark card slogan one day of the year. If it was such a good deal to stay at home and so valuable and important, men would do it.

I mean sort of except alimony DOES exist for women who make this choice, and rightfully so.

Permanent alimony is only available in 14 states. Taking alimony means you're depending on your ex to pay. My only point is that it's a position of relative vulnerability, which is why you rarely see men taking it. Men look out for themselves. The whole thing is very tricky. I will advise my daughter never to marry someone who isn't willing to make career sacrifices to the same extent that she does. Both parents need to be involved in raising the kids, and both need to take the career hits. Otherwise you're taking a real risk with your financial future, unless you are independently wealthy.

I totally agree with the statement above. A man who is not willing to equally sacrifice his career for kids is not considering his wife an equal. He should contribute equally even if she makes $50K and he makes $500K. It's not about the money, it's about considering the wife a true equal and valuing her work in the office and at home.
My income was not that far from my exH when I was 25 ($85K at 25 vs his $170 at 30+). But when I took the setback, he did not and by the end of the marriage I had zero independent income while he had a $1mm/year. And he decided he was god and I was nobody, cheated on me and we divorced.

This shows in fact how much professional women can loose if they sacrifice themselves for kids and receive no support.

Most wives are not "true equals" from the career standpoint and should not be considered as such. You are a case in point. You were making about half what he did when you started. Then when you got divorced he was making $1m a year. If you hadn't gotten married you would not be making $1m a year. Your career was in no respect equal to his, get outta here with that nonsense.

"He should contribute equally even if she makes $50K and he makes $500K." -- another absolutely ridiculous example. These people are not even close to equal and it is absurd to insist that he should consider her one. If the genders were reversed, she was making $500k and him $50k, let's not even pretend she would consider him an equal. Indeed, they'd be so unequal that she'd never even consider marrying him in the first place.

The cold hard fact is that women don't want to marry an equal - they want to "marry up" - but at the same time they want the man to pretend she is his "true equal". Which is fine if that makes her feel happy during the marriage, but when it comes to making a financial settlement during divorce, nope, forget that sht, you were NOT his equal and you shouldn't be treated as one.

I disagree with all you said. I was making 85K while being 10 years younger when he was making 170K. He had 10 years already in his career thus he was making more (and he started at 25 at $35K vs my 85K). If I continued working in my field and he supported me equally at home, his income would be $500k and my probably around $350K by the time of divorce. He would have never made it to $1mm as it took him to travel extensively (100 days out of country every year), meet with business partners, attend conferences etc. He had this luxury thanks to ME. If he was driving around our child to massages and therapies in DC he would have grown in a different pace and won't be an executive business owner. He would be still working for others, at a high profile corporate career.

Any man who thinks the way you think will be a "slacker" with household duties and kids and not a marriage material. I have friends where the husband is making 700K and she makes 70K and husbands still do their best to be with famlies

You're just further supporting my point that you were not equal to the man you married. He was older and making more, so of course you were not his equal. That undoubtedly contributed to your decision to marry him. If you married a guy the same age and salary as you, then you would have been equal. But you didn't. And sorry, if he hadn't married you then he'd still be making $1m now. He might not have kids or he'd have them with a different woman but he'd be there. You are grossly exaggerating your importance as bitter ex-wives invariably do.

"I have friends where the husband is making 700K and she makes 70K and husbands still do their best to be with famlies" -- ok that's great but it has absolutely nothing to do with them being equals. And in those cases they are clearly not "true equals", the husband is superior to the wife for all that he takes time to "be with his family".

You can turn it either way: he didn't marry his pier of same age either, as he didn't want a woman who is too much into her career and wouldn't make sacrifices for HIS career. Plus, back then there were not as many 35 y.o. women who were making as much as I was making at 25 due to my lucrative field. He was a picker, too.
It's absolutely a team work that he made it $1mm/year. I was also his business partner in very early stages of this business, so I know what I am talking about. No guarantee to anyone, and statistically men who have a SAHM wives are more successful in their careers. And statistics simply doesn't prove that divorced SAHM are better off after divorce. Women take much harder financial hit due to child birth and career setbacks vs men, and that's a proven statistical fact.

Men always downplay a role that their ex-wives played in their careers and re-write history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

I'm the PP and I think I was right that as a partner I should have a say in how we spend our money (which at the time nearly all came from me), but I do think I could have been more emotionally supportive of his dream. Today we are part-owners of several shops (not books but other things that DH loves) which we were able to do because we increased our cash reserves, and when he has suggested helping someone open a shop I have been as supportive as I can be. But at the time it would have been all of our savings and probably would have ruined us.

Yeah, he's happy in his career, mostly because of the pay-off TBH. He's not super suited for a 9 to 5 in general and he scratches his itch for newness through hobbies or side business ventures. Obviously I am very proud of what he's been able to accomplish by leaning in to his strengths and troubleshooting his weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

I'm the PP and I think I was right that as a partner I should have a say in how we spend our money (which at the time nearly all came from me), but I do think I could have been more emotionally supportive of his dream. Today we are part-owners of several shops (not books but other things that DH loves) which we were able to do because we increased our cash reserves, and when he has suggested helping someone open a shop I have been as supportive as I can be. But at the time it would have been all of our savings and probably would have ruined us.

Yeah, he's happy in his career, mostly because of the pay-off TBH. He's not super suited for a 9 to 5 in general and he scratches his itch for newness through hobbies or side business ventures. Obviously I am very proud of what he's been able to accomplish by leaning in to his strengths and troubleshooting his weaknesses.

Women are often the drivers behind their husbands' careers. I was the driver behind my exH quest to become financially independent business owner, too. When we got married he was a research PdD type not a business type. It took years of formation, my being in the same field with him and same business. He's very happy in his career now but of course he thinks it's "his" achievement and I had nothing to do with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

I'm the PP and I think I was right that as a partner I should have a say in how we spend our money (which at the time nearly all came from me), but I do think I could have been more emotionally supportive of his dream. Today we are part-owners of several shops (not books but other things that DH loves) which we were able to do because we increased our cash reserves, and when he has suggested helping someone open a shop I have been as supportive as I can be. But at the time it would have been all of our savings and probably would have ruined us.

Yeah, he's happy in his career, mostly because of the pay-off TBH. He's not super suited for a 9 to 5 in general and he scratches his itch for newness through hobbies or side business ventures. Obviously I am very proud of what he's been able to accomplish by leaning in to his strengths and troubleshooting his weaknesses.

You speak of him like you are grading him on a report card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

I'm the PP and I think I was right that as a partner I should have a say in how we spend our money (which at the time nearly all came from me), but I do think I could have been more emotionally supportive of his dream. Today we are part-owners of several shops (not books but other things that DH loves) which we were able to do because we increased our cash reserves, and when he has suggested helping someone open a shop I have been as supportive as I can be. But at the time it would have been all of our savings and probably would have ruined us.

Yeah, he's happy in his career, mostly because of the pay-off TBH. He's not super suited for a 9 to 5 in general and he scratches his itch for newness through hobbies or side business ventures. Obviously I am very proud of what he's been able to accomplish by leaning in to his strengths and troubleshooting his weaknesses.

You speak of him like you are grading him on a report card.

Good point, I should have stayed on topic . . . grading WOMEN on a report card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

I'm the PP and I think I was right that as a partner I should have a say in how we spend our money (which at the time nearly all came from me), but I do think I could have been more emotionally supportive of his dream. Today we are part-owners of several shops (not books but other things that DH loves) which we were able to do because we increased our cash reserves, and when he has suggested helping someone open a shop I have been as supportive as I can be. But at the time it would have been all of our savings and probably would have ruined us.

Yeah, he's happy in his career, mostly because of the pay-off TBH. He's not super suited for a 9 to 5 in general and he scratches his itch for newness through hobbies or side business ventures. Obviously I am very proud of what he's been able to accomplish by leaning in to his strengths and troubleshooting his weaknesses.

You speak of him like you are grading him on a report card.

Good point, I should have stayed on topic . . . grading WOMEN on a report card.

I’ll let my stay at home husband know he is responsible for my career (even though I had it before we met and am in a government job and have chosen not to persue management)!

He contributes a LOT to our household and way of life, but he wouldn’t say he is responsible for my career.

Just another perspective. If you see manipulating as a “woman’s” trait, I would disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all these posts but my wife and I are heading for divorce and it's a total fiction that she gave up some high powered job to be a SAHM. She will come out the other side far more wealthy than if she stayed single, with about 1.5m in the back at age 44. She has an undergrad in sociology.

I have no problem with short term alimony while she gets back on her feet and no problem with child support. That she isn't going to have the same lifestyle as me going forward is just the price of exit. Life isnt fair. I didn't want the be divorced either and while I recognize my faults, she is just as at fault for us not working out.

I am an early 40s SAHM who gave up teaching so yeah, I get what you're saying, but being a team means your success didn't happen in a vacuum. I paid off my husband's debts when we first got married. I supported him as he bounced around jobs paying $25k a year 15-20 years ago. I managed to save $500/month of my salary so even though I only worked 8 years, so I have 6 figures in my 401k. I convinced him not to open a bookshop (the odds of that succeeding were obviously slim) and encouraged him to get into a career with high potential and finally just when our first kid was born after 5 years of marriage, he started making more money than I did. Today he makes nearly 7 figures. Would he be here without me? No one can say, but long term vision and stick-to-it-ness have never been his strong suits (which is OK, because his zest for life and spontaneity add to my life too!).

Now that we're pretty wealthy it's hard to imagine thinking I could survive on a teacher's salary, but at the time my life was very comfortable. And if we got divorced I would try to relish the opportunity to live a simpler life. But I also object to the idea that I'm some freeloader who just luckily attached herself to some high earner. We are a team and it's by complementing each other that we are better together than apart. This is why it's really hard to quantify these things which of course is exactly what divorce courts need to do.

I would call you manipulative not a freeloader. Hopefully you chose well for your husband and he is happy in his job….

^^ The misogyny in this thread is unbelievable. Much of it coming from women, too. PP, you explained very well that it is a team - that's what marriage is all about and why all family efforts are worthy.

I'm the PP and I think I was right that as a partner I should have a say in how we spend our money (which at the time nearly all came from me), but I do think I could have been more emotionally supportive of his dream. Today we are part-owners of several shops (not books but other things that DH loves) which we were able to do because we increased our cash reserves, and when he has suggested helping someone open a shop I have been as supportive as I can be. But at the time it would have been all of our savings and probably would have ruined us.

Yeah, he's happy in his career, mostly because of the pay-off TBH. He's not super suited for a 9 to 5 in general and he scratches his itch for newness through hobbies or side business ventures. Obviously I am very proud of what he's been able to accomplish by leaning in to his strengths and troubleshooting his weaknesses.

You speak of him like you are grading him on a report card.

Good point, I should have stayed on topic . . . grading WOMEN on a report card.

I’ll let my stay at home husband know he is responsible for my career (even though I had it before we met and am in a government job and have chosen not to persue management)!

He contributes a LOT to our household and way of life, but he wouldn’t say he is responsible for my career.

Just another perspective. If you see manipulating as a “woman’s” trait, I would disagree.

That’s because you are in a government job. If he worked making smaller but sizable income , signed all the high interest loans for you to open a business, then did all accounting, client negotiations etc in the initial stage, then yes your success would be directly attributed to him.
Think about a medical surgeon whose wife helps to co-sign a loan or puts all her life savings into leasing space for his future medical practice.