Reply to Pendente Lite Guideline vs Actual Spousal Support (in VA) -- How did it compare in your case? SAHM

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sorry my post was inserted mid-quote. I'll try again.

I'm the poster above who stayed home for a number of years. I want to clarify that I would never expect alimony in this situation even though my earning potential took a big hit. I'm doing ok now. Had I not stopped working I'd probably be making at least 200K at least. I left the workforce in 2008 90K came back full-time in 2018 at the same number and am now at 130K. What I'm concerned about is the 401(k) situation. I was so far behind when I went back to work that I'll never make up the ground that I lost. I have 400K and he has 2m.

To the working spouses who were able to manage it all, kudos to you. I've had years to come to terms with the fact that I didn't choose my spouse very well. He would have never been mr. 50% and I couldn't see trying to hold it all together while working and having two small kids. He got to continue with his entitled behavior, advance in his career, make extremely limited contributions at home etc. etc. I'm back at work, doing all the cooking, 90% of driving kids, all household organization, and he is still sailing along. Covid has been a huge blessing to work-life balance for me at least![/quote]

If you were to divorce tomorrow, your would get the 50% of totality of 401k accounts, e.g. $1.2mm. There are some caveats with appraising, better to take 50% in his pension upfront if you can "discount" some for him. 
But the largest problem is not your lost 401k DURING marriage: it's the damaged earning capacity and your ability to make new savings AFTER the divorce. All your future 401K contributions took a hit: you would save,  for example, $1mm over the nest 20 years  instead of $3mm should you continued working. I've done a lot of research during my divorce: basically, with such husbands who dont pick a slack it's better for a woman to hire a driver, a nanny and a live-in aupair and spend all salary on them, vs quitting your job. Because lost salary would be "made up" with joint earnings and 50/50 assets division but your future "after divorce" 401k contributions will never recover. It's a lifetime financial hit. You add to it that women often become care givers to aging parents. We never recover financially from the child birth, most of us and even with alimony.

It is extremely important for SAHM to have additional investments with husbands during marriage: we did income producing real estate. So I did get 50% of these assets which "compensates" me for this lost future 401k contributions. But I am a very rare and lucky exception.

Don't keep cash or brokerage accounts with large amounts of money during marriage: these are very easy to dissipate if he has control and you will spend hundreds of thousands trying to recover. Mine sent stocks to foreign trusts.

And yes, postnups or prenups are not entirely protecting you: what if this wealthy husband has all his money tied up in trusts to which you have no access, and he claims no ability to pay or that all these trusts were pre-marital? Again, years of litigation just to get that alimony promised in prenup.

You are very lucky to being able to return to the same salary level as in 2008: what is your field? Plus, you were able to increase your income to $120k, which is amazing! I could only get $60k in 2021 vs 86K in 2008. And it's nearly impossible for me to climb back to $100k+ in my company which takes 5-6 years on average. I will go back to grad school at 45 to obtain certifications to get into a better paying field.

I honestly don't know if having children is even worth all these sacrifices but I just can't imagine my life without my son.

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