Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your divorce final? For how long?

OP: yes, for two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he live separately or in the same house as his "ex" e.g. official wife? There are just so many red flags all over!

OP: they live totally separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he live separately or in the same house as his "ex" e.g. official wife? There are just so many red flags all over!

OP: they live totally separately.

I’m not buying this. You started this thread, and others claiming that this man is divorced, when he is in fact very much married. You think you found a great situation where the man abides by your rules because you don’t want kid introductions for 1 year. That works out great because this man is cheating on his spouse and you are helping him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he live separately or in the same house as his "ex" e.g. official wife? There are just so many red flags all over!

OP: they live totally separately.

I’m not buying this. You started this thread, and others claiming that this man is divorced, when he is in fact very much married. You think you found a great situation where the man abides by your rules because you don’t want kid introductions for 1 year. That works out great because this man is cheating on his spouse and you are helping him.

And you are very much aware he’s not divorced but haven’t wanted to disclose because then that would make the rest of the story make sense. Of course a married man helps his wife with cancer treatments. Of course a married man brings his spouse to family gatherings. Of course a married man brings his wife on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

Sus. To suss is to figure something out- a verb. The adjective "sus" is short for suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

Not really. She’s not enmeshed. She’s family. Even when paperwork is final.

[Anonymous]

OP, the title of this post should be "Boyfriend might go on vacation with his wife." You are the third wheel in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the title of this post should be "Boyfriend might go on vacation with his wife." You are the third wheel in this situation.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

OP this is a crucial bit of information that belonged in your original post! I told you to overlook this earlier in this thread, but I thought it was a one time event with an exception made because of her health status - this completely changes things. You need to have a sit down with him - unfortunately I think it’s ultimatum time.

ultimatum time?

Yes! Are you in or are you out? Make a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is still married. I would break up with him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he live separately or in the same house as his "ex" e.g. official wife? There are just so many red flags all over!

OP: they live totally separately.

I’m not buying this. You started this thread, and others claiming that this man is divorced, when he is in fact very much married. You think you found a great situation where the man abides by your rules because you don’t want kid introductions for 1 year. That works out great because this man is cheating on his spouse and you are helping him.

Sorry OP but you can’t expect good advice when what you posted isn’t true. He hasn’t been divorced a year. He is still married!

[Anonymous]

Moreover, this man is near the edge of spousal abandonment (likely, due to the wife being sick and not capable in bed for a while). And OP is preying on a vulnerable family situation just when they need to stick together, and the wife needs most support! She's been trying to pull the blanket from his wife and kids, and also complains about it!

There are women that are so incredibly selfish it amazes me.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this could be very good for his kids. It’s not about your relationship status or with his ex. It’s kind of his parents to also include her after what had likely been a very difficult year. Compassion is what’s needed here. This isn’t about defining your place in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this could be very good for his kids. It’s not about your relationship status or with his ex. It’s kind of his parents to also include her after what had likely been a very difficult year. Compassion is what’s needed here. This isn’t about defining your place in his life.

Of course his parents would include his wife. Why wouldn’t they?