I’m so unhappy with my baby in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are gaslighting OP into thinking she has anxiety because she is uneasy dropping off her infant at a daycare for 8-10+ hours a day should get bent. Daycare can be a wonderful option but it is not always great. It is normal to feel uneasy leaving one's baby at such a young age and as a PP said, it is only in this country that it is expected for parents to do so.

To gaslight a new mother into thinking she has anxiety because she is not okay with it is downright cruel.

Absolutely agree! Also, the reason it is normal to feel uneasy leaving a baby at such a young age is because little babies can't tell you if something is wrong and it is not all that unusual for something to be wrong at daycare.

I agree. However, there could be abuse from nanny, au pair etc too. And for all its worth, we also hear of boyfriends and SOs of moms killing infants and small kids at home. I think a Nanny Cam and a RING indoors is essential at home and the care provider should be made aware that they are being watched. Because the aim should be to prevent abuse not find evidence of abuse.

Next, I think that situations where there is a nanny looking after the baby at home and there is also supervision from a parent (WFH) or elderly grandparents (who may be too low energy to provide care but can certainly keep an eye on the nanny and the baby) is really the best situation for parents in America.

US is unfortunately primitive in terms of childcare options and flexibility for working moms. I hope that mothers will not lose the gains made in being allowed to work remotely during COVID, even if thousands of WOHMs left the work force due to childcare issues.

[Anonymous]

Statistically, child care centers are safer than in-home daycares or in-home care. This is because there are simply more people around so abuse is less likely to happen. Also, if a child becomes unmanageable, there are alternate people to pass the child off to so no single individual becomes too stressed (and ends up shaking or hitting the child).

It could be that another daycare could also be an option. I tried the nanny route and could not find the wonderful nannies that others glowed about. I tired two different nannies and others who I know who have nannies have noted the challenges. My child is at daycare and we are much happier. We were extremely selective about the daycare. We made sure that there were proper ratios of children/adults, the providers had education in early children development, and they had a positive childgiving approach that mirrored our own. We inquired about how they disciplined children, and their diaper-changing schedules (to prevent diaper rashes). They were also open to having parents drop by whenever.

If you go the nanny route, I hope that you are able to find a great one. They are hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel like providence has spoken! Since posting this, an amazing nanny in our neighborhood became available (family is moving) and we had an interview with her this morning. She is older and so lovely! She came in and asked to wash her hands - and then held the baby for the entire interview! The baby woke up with cold number three and nanny knew how to hold him and comfort him. We talked for two hours!

She can start in two weeks after next. All of her references including our neighbor (who was crying about losing her) were fantastic! I am so relieved!!!!

I’d have to take time off anyway due to the baby’s cold and my mom has agreed to drive down for the remainder of the time so we don’t have to go back to daycare.

Thank you everyone for responding (even the poster who thinks I need medication ).

This is absolutely the right decision. I feel it in my gut.

OP here. I didn’t bring back this old thread but since someone did, I’ll update:

Our nanny is absolutely fantastic!!! We all love her and my baby lights up when he sees her. I feel happy and confident leaving for work in the morning and love that nanny easily handles all the baby chores and even makes him fresh baby food every day.

For us, leaving daycare and getting a nanny was the best decision we could have made.

That’s great, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been a month and I still hate handing her over every morning. I hate getting her bundled up, packed up, and out of the house. The daycare is fine I guess but I worry all day long. She’s such a good baby and I fear she’s getting ignored because of one higher needs baby in her room. I also hate getting the dirty breastmilk bottles back at the end of the day (minor issue but it just bugs me). She’s also had two colds in the last month and a diaper rash.

Should I stick with it or just admit I’m not a daycare parent? We could afford a nanny if we really scrimp and stop contributing to our savings. DH was insistent that we try daycare initially but is now open to a nanny.

Sorry, it sucks. But, one day you can feel better that you are a WOHM and feel superior to SAHMs.

Your kid is being raised by others. Bravo. What did you expect? That the kid will get the love and attention that a mom gives to her baby?

Yawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don't like how people are suggesting that this mother has an anxiety disorder because she doesn't like leaving her baby in daycare all day long. We are mammals; mammal mothers/breastfeeding are physiologically tied to their babies. I think we forget that separating infants from their primary caregiver for the majority of their waking hours is inherently distressing for many babies and mothers. I am not opposed to daycare--my kids started shortly after they were one, but with limited hours, and m=by age two were there all day. The breastfeeding and bonding hormones are real. OP, I'm happy you're following your gut and going with a nanny.

+ 1. Very good points.

+ 2. Babies should not be separated from their families all day long. Since they can’t understand that mommy and daddy are coming back, they are actually traumatized left with complete strangers in a strange place.

My background in anthropology leads me to this conclusion as well. I've been a SAHM for 7 years and we're struggling financially. I wish there were better options for working parents. Our modern society is so backwards in the regard.

? Parents throughout human history had to leave their kids to hunt, gather, work, etc until their children could join them.

You don’t have an anthropological leg to stand on with this!

Actually, the kids were looked after in large family units by family members - grandparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, cousins, mom, dad etc. They were not looked after by strangers making minimum wages.

If you think nannies earn minimum wage, I have big news for you!

Hope everyone is happy. I would never want my kid to be raised by someone else but I am glad I had options.

You’re not superior, SAHM, not even the tiniest bit and — psst! — your insecurity is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like how people are suggesting that this mother has an anxiety disorder because she doesn't like leaving her baby in daycare all day long. We are mammals; mammal mothers/breastfeeding are physiologically tied to their babies. I think we forget that separating infants from their primary caregiver for the majority of their waking hours is inherently distressing for many babies and mothers. I am not opposed to daycare--my kids started shortly after they were one, but with limited hours, and m=by age two were there all day. The breastfeeding and bonding hormones are real. OP, I'm happy you're following your gut and going with a nanny.

+ 1. Very good points.

+ 2. Babies should not be separated from their families all day long. Since they can’t understand that mommy and daddy are coming back, they are actually traumatized left with complete strangers in a strange place.

My background in anthropology leads me to this conclusion as well. I've been a SAHM for 7 years and we're struggling financially. I wish there were better options for working parents. Our modern society is so backwards in the regard.

? Parents throughout human history had to leave their kids to hunt, gather, work, etc until their children could join them.

You don’t have an anthropological leg to stand on with this!

Actually, the kids were looked after in large family units by family members - grandparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, cousins, mom, dad etc. They were not looked after by strangers making minimum wages.

No, the kids were looked after by other members of the tribe. Few grandparents in the early centuries due to short life expectancy. And no one made even minimum wage - just shared food and generally the worst of the hunt.

At three and four, the children worked with their parents to find food and migrate to water. Do you really think that was better than a safe home with a nanny or a clean daycare room with other kids?

Nope. I think that kids in daycare are better off than the Neanderthal babies and have better life expectancy than even 100 years ago.

However, in the DMV, in the present day, kids raised at UMC homes by educated SAHMs are better off, and most of DCUM SAHMs are financially secure and college educated.

I also think that kids in daycare and with nannies are better than kids in Ukraine and in Afghanistan. Absolutely. So I guess your kid is a winner?

Calm down, PP. No one is attacking you. But like other posters have tried to explain to you, we feel great about having loving, educated Nannie’s teach our babies during the day. My degree is in finance while our nanny’s degree, from a better college than DH or I attended, is in ECD. I worked in banks after graduation while our nanny worked in a preschool before becoming a nanny. This is my first child while nanny has been through this stage with four other children plus her own now grown kids. My feeling, like others, is that a nanny is better for my child than me being home during the day.

But know that you don’t have to try to attack WOHMs to make yourself feel better about your choices.

Not only no one cares who raises your kids, but also no one wants to be in your shoes either. I know it is hard for you to believe that.

I think you do want to be in my shoes, PP. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so defensive and lashing out. Something is clearly not right in your life and I know you know it. That’s the last thing I’m going to say to you, PP. You seem to need desperately to have the last word so have at it.

Nope. Did not have a kid to hand it to someone to raise. Actually like my kids, you know?

You are SO insecure. I’m embarrassed for you. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like how people are suggesting that this mother has an anxiety disorder because she doesn't like leaving her baby in daycare all day long. We are mammals; mammal mothers/breastfeeding are physiologically tied to their babies. I think we forget that separating infants from their primary caregiver for the majority of their waking hours is inherently distressing for many babies and mothers. I am not opposed to daycare--my kids started shortly after they were one, but with limited hours, and m=by age two were there all day. The breastfeeding and bonding hormones are real. OP, I'm happy you're following your gut and going with a nanny.

+ 1. Very good points.

+ 2. Babies should not be separated from their families all day long. Since they can’t understand that mommy and daddy are coming back, they are actually traumatized left with complete strangers in a strange place.

My background in anthropology leads me to this conclusion as well. I've been a SAHM for 7 years and we're struggling financially. I wish there were better options for working parents. Our modern society is so backwards in the regard.

? Parents throughout human history had to leave their kids to hunt, gather, work, etc until their children could join them.

You don’t have an anthropological leg to stand on with this!

Actually, the kids were looked after in large family units by family members - grandparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, cousins, mom, dad etc. They were not looked after by strangers making minimum wages.

No, the kids were looked after by other members of the tribe. Few grandparents in the early centuries due to short life expectancy. And no one made even minimum wage - just shared food and generally the worst of the hunt.

At three and four, the children worked with their parents to find food and migrate to water. Do you really think that was better than a safe home with a nanny or a clean daycare room with other kids?

Nope. I think that kids in daycare are better off than the Neanderthal babies and have better life expectancy than even 100 years ago.

However, in the DMV, in the present day, kids raised at UMC homes by educated SAHMs are better off, and most of DCUM SAHMs are financially secure and college educated.

I also think that kids in daycare and with nannies are better than kids in Ukraine and in Afghanistan. Absolutely. So I guess your kid is a winner?

Calm down, PP. No one is attacking you. But like other posters have tried to explain to you, we feel great about having loving, educated Nannie’s teach our babies during the day. My degree is in finance while our nanny’s degree, from a better college than DH or I attended, is in ECD. I worked in banks after graduation while our nanny worked in a preschool before becoming a nanny. This is my first child while nanny has been through this stage with four other children plus her own now grown kids. My feeling, like others, is that a nanny is better for my child than me being home during the day.

But know that you don’t have to try to attack WOHMs to make yourself feel better about your choices.

Not only no one cares who raises your kids, but also no one wants to be in your shoes either. I know it is hard for you to believe that.

I think you do want to be in my shoes, PP. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so defensive and lashing out. Something is clearly not right in your life and I know you know it. That’s the last thing I’m going to say to you, PP. You seem to need desperately to have the last word so have at it.

Nope. Did not have a kid to hand it to someone to raise. Actually like my kids, you know?

You are SO insecure. I’m embarrassed for you. Truly.

You accusing people of being insecure because they want to take care of their own children isn't very effective although I don't know exactly what you are hoping to accomplish other than make yourself feel better about your own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, child care centers are safer than in-home daycares or in-home care. This is because there are simply more people around so abuse is less likely to happen. Also, if a child becomes unmanageable, there are alternate people to pass the child off to so no single individual becomes too stressed (and ends up shaking or hitting the child).

It could be that another daycare could also be an option. I tried the nanny route and could not find the wonderful nannies that others glowed about. I tired two different nannies and others who I know who have nannies have noted the challenges. My child is at daycare and we are much happier. We were extremely selective about the daycare. We made sure that there were proper ratios of children/adults, the providers had education in early children development, and they had a positive childgiving approach that mirrored our own. We inquired about how they disciplined children, and their diaper-changing schedules (to prevent diaper rashes). They were also open to having parents drop by whenever.

If you go the nanny route, I hope that you are able to find a great one. They are hard to find.

I don't think actual abuse is common at daycare centers but I do think mistreatment and possibly neglect is more prevalent than most people realize. I say that as one who once worked at a daycare center which was part of what drove my own decision not to put my children in that type of childcare, also in-home childcare. You may have wonderful feelings about what you think is going on but you don't really know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, child care centers are safer than in-home daycares or in-home care. This is because there are simply more people around so abuse is less likely to happen. Also, if a child becomes unmanageable, there are alternate people to pass the child off to so no single individual becomes too stressed (and ends up shaking or hitting the child).

It could be that another daycare could also be an option. I tried the nanny route and could not find the wonderful nannies that others glowed about. I tired two different nannies and others who I know who have nannies have noted the challenges. My child is at daycare and we are much happier. We were extremely selective about the daycare. We made sure that there were proper ratios of children/adults, the providers had education in early children development, and they had a positive childgiving approach that mirrored our own. We inquired about how they disciplined children, and their diaper-changing schedules (to prevent diaper rashes). They were also open to having parents drop by whenever.

If you go the nanny route, I hope that you are able to find a great one. They are hard to find.

There are pros and cons to both. With nanny you are not lugging the kid to the daycare center and the kid is less likely to pick up germs from daycare. The first couple years of the baby's life in daycare is just a long string of infections. And all kinds of illnessess are making the rounds in the daycare. At the same time, the chances of kid being abused is less likely in a daycare too.

I think a nanny at home, with a family member to keep an eye on the nanny is the best option for a working mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been a month and I still hate handing her over every morning. I hate getting her bundled up, packed up, and out of the house. The daycare is fine I guess but I worry all day long. She’s such a good baby and I fear she’s getting ignored because of one higher needs baby in her room. I also hate getting the dirty breastmilk bottles back at the end of the day (minor issue but it just bugs me). She’s also had two colds in the last month and a diaper rash.

Should I stick with it or just admit I’m not a daycare parent? We could afford a nanny if we really scrimp and stop contributing to our savings. DH was insistent that we try daycare initially but is now open to a nanny.

I’m sorry OP. I can relate, and this is a big part of why we rearranged things so I can just work very part time and mostly be home with them during this (fleeting!) stage. It just felt so, so wrong to me. I’m not saying it’s wrong for everyone, for some people it works great. But it just felt WRONG to me, on a very core level

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, child care centers are safer than in-home daycares or in-home care. This is because there are simply more people around so abuse is less likely to happen. Also, if a child becomes unmanageable, there are alternate people to pass the child off to so no single individual becomes too stressed (and ends up shaking or hitting the child).

It could be that another daycare could also be an option. I tried the nanny route and could not find the wonderful nannies that others glowed about. I tired two different nannies and others who I know who have nannies have noted the challenges. My child is at daycare and we are much happier. We were extremely selective about the daycare. We made sure that there were proper ratios of children/adults, the providers had education in early children development, and they had a positive childgiving approach that mirrored our own. We inquired about how they disciplined children, and their diaper-changing schedules (to prevent diaper rashes). They were also open to having parents drop by whenever.

If you go the nanny route, I hope that you are able to find a great one. They are hard to find.

I don't think actual abuse is common at daycare centers but I do think mistreatment and possibly neglect is more prevalent than most people realize. I say that as one who once worked at a daycare center which was part of what drove my own decision not to put my children in that type of childcare, also in-home childcare. You may have wonderful feelings about what you think is going on but you don't really know.

+1 also worked in a (very nice) daycare back in the day and knew I didn’t want it for my future kids. But it’s more the mistreatment than ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, child care centers are safer than in-home daycares or in-home care. This is because there are simply more people around so abuse is less likely to happen. Also, if a child becomes unmanageable, there are alternate people to pass the child off to so no single individual becomes too stressed (and ends up shaking or hitting the child).

It could be that another daycare could also be an option. I tried the nanny route and could not find the wonderful nannies that others glowed about. I tired two different nannies and others who I know who have nannies have noted the challenges. My child is at daycare and we are much happier. We were extremely selective about the daycare. We made sure that there were proper ratios of children/adults, the providers had education in early children development, and they had a positive childgiving approach that mirrored our own. We inquired about how they disciplined children, and their diaper-changing schedules (to prevent diaper rashes). They were also open to having parents drop by whenever.

If you go the nanny route, I hope that you are able to find a great one. They are hard to find.

That’s actually not true. Having worked in daycare centers in college, most of the daycare injuries caused by the staff are blamed on the child (he was running with hands in his pockets”, “she was hit by another child”, etc). Plus you can run background checks and get references from other families with a nanny but not the ever changing staff members of daycare. The centers I worked in said they ran background checks but didn’t.

But, regardless, the vast majority of accidents and child-death are caused by parents. Nanny care and daycare are both safer than staying home with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like how people are suggesting that this mother has an anxiety disorder because she doesn't like leaving her baby in daycare all day long. We are mammals; mammal mothers/breastfeeding are physiologically tied to their babies. I think we forget that separating infants from their primary caregiver for the majority of their waking hours is inherently distressing for many babies and mothers. I am not opposed to daycare--my kids started shortly after they were one, but with limited hours, and m=by age two were there all day. The breastfeeding and bonding hormones are real. OP, I'm happy you're following your gut and going with a nanny.

+ 1. Very good points.

+ 2. Babies should not be separated from their families all day long. Since they can’t understand that mommy and daddy are coming back, they are actually traumatized left with complete strangers in a strange place.

My background in anthropology leads me to this conclusion as well. I've been a SAHM for 7 years and we're struggling financially. I wish there were better options for working parents. Our modern society is so backwards in the regard.

? Parents throughout human history had to leave their kids to hunt, gather, work, etc until their children could join them.

You don’t have an anthropological leg to stand on with this!

Actually, the kids were looked after in large family units by family members - grandparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, cousins, mom, dad etc. They were not looked after by strangers making minimum wages.

No, the kids were looked after by other members of the tribe. Few grandparents in the early centuries due to short life expectancy. And no one made even minimum wage - just shared food and generally the worst of the hunt.

At three and four, the children worked with their parents to find food and migrate to water. Do you really think that was better than a safe home with a nanny or a clean daycare room with other kids?

Nope. I think that kids in daycare are better off than the Neanderthal babies and have better life expectancy than even 100 years ago.

However, in the DMV, in the present day, kids raised at UMC homes by educated SAHMs are better off, and most of DCUM SAHMs are financially secure and college educated.

I also think that kids in daycare and with nannies are better than kids in Ukraine and in Afghanistan. Absolutely. So I guess your kid is a winner?

Calm down, PP. No one is attacking you. But like other posters have tried to explain to you, we feel great about having loving, educated Nannie’s teach our babies during the day. My degree is in finance while our nanny’s degree, from a better college than DH or I attended, is in ECD. I worked in banks after graduation while our nanny worked in a preschool before becoming a nanny. This is my first child while nanny has been through this stage with four other children plus her own now grown kids. My feeling, like others, is that a nanny is better for my child than me being home during the day.

But know that you don’t have to try to attack WOHMs to make yourself feel better about your choices.

Not only no one cares who raises your kids, but also no one wants to be in your shoes either. I know it is hard for you to believe that.

I think you do want to be in my shoes, PP. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so defensive and lashing out. Something is clearly not right in your life and I know you know it. That’s the last thing I’m going to say to you, PP. You seem to need desperately to have the last word so have at it.

Nope. Did not have a kid to hand it to someone to raise. Actually like my kids, you know?

You are SO insecure. I’m embarrassed for you. Truly.

You accusing people of being insecure because they want to take care of their own children isn't very effective although I don't know exactly what you are hoping to accomplish other than make yourself feel better about your own decisions.

And you about yours, PP. You’re so defensive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, child care centers are safer than in-home daycares or in-home care. This is because there are simply more people around so abuse is less likely to happen. Also, if a child becomes unmanageable, there are alternate people to pass the child off to so no single individual becomes too stressed (and ends up shaking or hitting the child).

It could be that another daycare could also be an option. I tried the nanny route and could not find the wonderful nannies that others glowed about. I tired two different nannies and others who I know who have nannies have noted the challenges. My child is at daycare and we are much happier. We were extremely selective about the daycare. We made sure that there were proper ratios of children/adults, the providers had education in early children development, and they had a positive childgiving approach that mirrored our own. We inquired about how they disciplined children, and their diaper-changing schedules (to prevent diaper rashes). They were also open to having parents drop by whenever.

If you go the nanny route, I hope that you are able to find a great one. They are hard to find.

That’s actually not true. Having worked in daycare centers in college, most of the daycare injuries caused by the staff are blamed on the child (he was running with hands in his pockets”, “she was hit by another child”, etc). Plus you can run background checks and get references from other families with a nanny but not the ever changing staff members of daycare. The centers I worked in said they ran background checks but didn’t.

But, regardless, the vast majority of accidents and child-death are caused by parents. Nanny care and daycare are both safer than staying home with your child.

What is this? You leave your kids with others because otherwise you will end up injuring or killing them? Ok, psycho!

[Anonymous]

Don’t be leaving your kid with a man who is not their biological father.