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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
My sister sucks
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Anonymous
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I'm just venting. She is our only family in this area, and she and her husband have no kids. They have babysat for us maybe 3 times in 4 years, and even then it has been on their terms. (You MUST see Avatar! We'll come over and babysit for you, and you can go see the 7:30 showing of Avatar at this theater!)
When I had my children, my mom flew in to help out. I thought she'd stay with me to help . . . because that is what moms do when their daughter's have babies - but no . . . my sister decided it would be "easier" for everyone if my mom just stayed at her house, 30 minutes away. They dropped in a few times between shopping trips and dinners out. My mom is out here this week, helping watch my kids while their daycare provider is on vacation. My sister just let me know that she'll be picking my mom up at 5PM on Friday and will bring them back on Sunday evening. Sounds like they have a really packed weekend of events, and my family is not invited. The kicker is that my sister and her husband sleep in until 10AM, 11AM on the weekends. I would KILL to have my mom stay until Saturday morning, because my kids wake up at 6AM. My mom is awake by 5AM. We could maybe go out to a park or the zoo or something before it gets too hot out. My sister wouldn't even no the difference, she could still pick my mom up the second she's awake. But it is more important for my sister to have "ownership" of my parents for the weekend than to consider those possibilities. Aaah. Like I said, just venting. |
Anonymous
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you should just tell her, and your mom. it seems totally reasonable for you to have a few more hours if your mom is up for it. maybe, though, your mom needs a break from the kids after taking care of them.
i know when my parents come to help us, they leave exhausted. |
Anonymous
| Wow, your sister sounds self-centered. Sorry she's like that. Next time your mom comes, set the dates and tell/ask her about staying until a certain day/time and then she can see your sister/her husband. |
Anonymous
| OP - Your sister is much smarter than you are, but you already know that. Don't you? |
Anonymous
| OP, did you ever consider that perhaps your mother would rather stay with your sister? Frankly, life at her house sounds more appealing.... |
Anonymous
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OP here. I forgot to mention - when I had DS#2, when my mom flew out, my sister actually picked her up at the airport, took her out to dinner, and then spend Saturday out visiting vinyards. They finally came and met my son on Sunday.
This is after my sister backed out of her agreement to watch DS#1 when I went to the hospital to have DS#2. She promised she'd be the person on call for us . . . they are family, after all . . . but then they scheduled a caribbean cruise the week of my due date. |
Anonymous
| Seems to me that if you should be mad at anyone (which IMO opinion, you shouldn't) it is you mom. Your mom is leaving you after taking care of your kids all week to rest and spend time with her other child. I do not get why you are mad at all, much less mad at your sister. |
Anonymous
| OP, your sister, like most people without kids, doesn't know. Speak up. |
Anonymous
| I agree that pre-kids a lot of people have no idea what those hours would be worth to you. Just ask. |
Anonymous
I'm not mad she's spending time with my sister. I'm sad that we aren't included. We all work full time, so it isn't like I had the week off to hang out with my parents, either. I'd also like to spend some time with them on the weekend. That is all. |
Anonymous
Well, have you told them that you'd like to be included? |
Anonymous
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Is your mom some kind of doll or servant robot that you and your sister can just pass back and forth? Does she not have any free will? I suspect she does, and if she chooses to spend time with your sister as well as you, that's up to her. Maybe your mom wants to have coffee and read the paper in silence on Saturday morning. She's allowed--they're not her kids and she probably needs a break after helping you for a week.
I think you need to adjust your expectations. Nobody owes you childcare. Not your mom, not your sister, not your best friend or your neighbor. If they choose to help out at any point, you thank them graciously and be grateful. End of story. |
Anonymous
OP that was NOT the tone of your original post. You specifically mentioned how much you could use your mom's help and how it would be OK if your sister would just pick your mom up after she wakes up. Also, what are the activities that your family is not invited to? If they're going to the zoo, the park, the ice cream place, etc., then yes I would be offended. But if they're doing adult activities like museums, restaurants, and shopping, you can't expect them to modify that because you have kids. Give them 2 damn days out of an entire week, you know? |
Anonymous
It has pretty much devolved to that, yes. Whenever we've spoken up, we get the "I don't want to chose sides!" Yet when she's with me, she'll say thing like "Oh, it would be so much fun to take the kids to the zoo this weekend!" Then we'll make plans to go to the zoo. Then my sister will call and say she had plans to take them shopping Saturday, and by the end of the conversation it will go back to "Well, I don't want to pick sides. Your sister works all week . . ." (We all work all week, too). And I'm very grateful for the help. No one owes us childcare. We are even paying her to watch the kids (mostly because it is one of the few ways we can get them to accept money from us, and they aren't financially well off). But we have had a really rough time having no support system in this area, and the one group of people you should be able to turn to is your family. I have mentioned we'd like to do something together on the weekends, but it isn't worth it, because they'll say "Fine, come with us to the vineyard!" But the activities they want to do aren't really compatable with small children (vineyard hopping) who still nap in the afternoon. If I suggest alternate activties, it leads to fights. In any case, I actually gave up on solving this years ago (when my mom stayed at my sister's house after I had my baby). I can't control their actions. But I am still disappointed. It makes me sad. |
Anonymous
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Some people need to be really let in on what you need and why - especially if they have no kids and are used to just paying attention to themselves. Needs and wants need to be put on the table so they can see for themselves that YES, it would be more sisterly if they handled things this way or that way and that YES, it will be perceived as the opposite if they dont. When things arent laid out they just behave how they do and claim ignorance when told about it later in retrospect.
Just say to your sister " hey I know you want to do something with Mom on Sat but I was hoping Mom could stay with me in the early am just to give me a break and allow me to sleep. I figure since she gets up early like the kids I can get some sleep and then you can meet her when you two get up and running for the day. Is that ok by you?" Then if she says no you will truly know she is both a bitch and myopic....currently, I only see that she is myopic. Hugs to you - I have a brother who has no kids. He has NO idea what it is like and it is super annoying. He is, without meaning to be, very controlling about where we eat out, when, who stays where etc. He just doesnt know what my life or the kids schedules are like and I actually think he believes he is doing people a favor by taking charge - like the rest of us are indecisive and letting life pass us by. lol |