My sister sucks

[Anonymous]

OP that was NOT the tone of your original post. You specifically mentioned how much you could use your mom's help and how it would be OK if your sister would just pick your mom up after she wakes up. Also, what are the activities that your family is not invited to? If they're going to the zoo, the park, the ice cream place, etc., then yes I would be offended. But if they're doing adult activities like museums, restaurants, and shopping, you can't expect them to modify that because you have kids. Give them 2 damn days out of an entire week, you know?

Just reread my original post. I said I would kill for her to stay over on Saturday morning because she gets up early, as do we (my kids are up at 6, mom is up at 5). I said we could all do some activity in the mornig before my sister wakes up.

I'll give them two days. How about Tuesday evening and Wednesday evening.

[Anonymous]

why should your sister only get to spend time with your mother when it's convenient for you?? It sounds like YOU are the one being selfish and inconsiderate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have mentioned we'd like to do something together on the weekends, but it isn't worth it, because they'll say "Fine, come with us to the vineyard!" But the activities they want to do aren't really compatable with small children (vineyard hopping) who still nap in the afternoon. If I suggest alternate activties, it leads to fights.

In any case, I actually gave up on solving this years ago (when my mom stayed at my sister's house after I had my baby). I can't control their actions.

But I am still disappointed. It makes me sad.

So then you expect everyone's life to revolve around you and your kids?

[Anonymous]

Haven't read follow up posts. Can you just say to your mom next time, in advance, "how would you feel about __________________ (staying through Sat am, sleeping here the whole time, whatever) so that you get our mom's committment?

[Anonymous]

Woah 12:44. Are you saying it is selfish to expect your mother to prioritize helping her daugher out after having a baby above a week long vacation of restaurants and shopping with her other childless daughter?

I think that says a lot about you.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just reply to your sisters email and tell her that you wanted to take your mom to the zoo with the kids and you will drop your mom off on the way home? Or that ya'll can meet for lunch after the zoo and switch then?

Obviously there are some deep seeded issues here...but why complain about it if you aren't willing to do anything about it? Also, did it occur to you that your mom might need a break after watching your kids all week? Maybe your mom requested friday night...

[Anonymous]

I have to say, i was the last in my family to have kids and it was always understood that when the grandkids were around, we worked around them. our schedules reflected their needs and our activities involved them. this is the reality of having small children in a family. at night after the kids went to bed was adult time. there was always an expectation of babysitting, but it was limited.

BUT it sounds like your mom wants some non-kiddo time to do big girl things with your sis. It sucks that she doesn't involve you in that (maybe DH can take the kids for the day), but you can't hold that against your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your mom some kind of doll or servant robot that you and your sister can just pass back and forth? Does she not have any free will? I suspect she does, and if she chooses to spend time with your sister as well as you, that's up to her. Maybe your mom wants to have coffee and read the paper in silence on Saturday morning. She's allowed--they're not her kids and she probably needs a break after helping you for a week.

I think you need to adjust your expectations. Nobody owes you childcare. Not your mom, not your sister, not your best friend or your neighbor. If they choose to help out at any point, you thank them graciously and be grateful. End of story.

OP, it sounds as though all you really want is free child care. I don't blame your sister for rescuing your mother from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is your mom some kind of doll or servant robot that you and your sister can just pass back and forth? Does she not have any free will? I suspect she does, and if she chooses to spend time with your sister as well as you, that's up to her. Maybe your mom wants to have coffee and read the paper in silence on Saturday morning. She's allowed--they're not her kids and she probably needs a break after helping you for a week.

I think you need to adjust your expectations. Nobody owes you childcare. Not your mom, not your sister, not your best friend or your neighbor. If they choose to help out at any point, you thank them graciously and be grateful. End of story.

OP, it sounds as though all you really want is free child care. I don't blame your sister for rescuing your mother from you.

Did you not read OPs post where it mentioned she's paying her mom for childcare?

[Anonymous]

At first read, yes, it sounds like your sister is clueless. But it also sounds like a twist on that adage, "nobody can take advantage of you without your permission." What does your mom think about all this? Presumably she's perfectly capable of telling your sister that she'd rather be available to help with your newborn, or give you a few lazy hours on Saturday morning. Did you ask her directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is your mom some kind of doll or servant robot that you and your sister can just pass back and forth? Does she not have any free will? I suspect she does, and if she chooses to spend time with your sister as well as you, that's up to her. Maybe your mom wants to have coffee and read the paper in silence on Saturday morning. She's allowed--they're not her kids and she probably needs a break after helping you for a week.

I think you need to adjust your expectations. Nobody owes you childcare. Not your mom, not your sister, not your best friend or your neighbor. If they choose to help out at any point, you thank them graciously and be grateful. End of story.

OP, it sounds as though all you really want is free child care. I don't blame your sister for rescuing your mother from you.

Yeah this isn't about money. We are paying my mom quite a bit above our provider's normal weekly rate to watch our kids, as I mentioned above. She would do it for free, but we insist on paying. They don't have much money and are hesitant to accept cash gifts so this is one of the ways we can get money to them without them feeling uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

So let me see if I have this right - your sister sucks because:

- She doesn't babysit for you as often as you'd like.
- Your mother stayed with her when you had your first kid, rather than staying with you. (Apparently your mother has no free will, and bears no responsibility for this.)
- She didn't immediately come to pay homage when your second kid was born.
- She flaked on her committment to watch your first kid when the second was born. (That seems selfish - but when did she tell you? When you were in labor? No, it sounds like you had a lot of advance notice.)
- She's taking your Mom at 5:00 Friday evening, depriving you of the early-morning childcare (read, opportunity to sleep late) that you wanted. Never mind that your Mom also has a say in this decision, that she may be tired of taking care of your kids, that she might like to do something fun on Friday night.)
- You're not included in their weekend plans - but your Mom just spent the whole week with you (yes, yes, I know you work, but you're home at night, right?), she apparently is coming back to your house NEXT week, and apparently hasn't seen you sister. Plus, you know that outings with kids tend to be all about the kids, and you Mom might need a break - and they might want to do an adult activity (like vinyards, for instance).

Someone does indeed suck here - but it doesn't seem like it's your sister. To paraphrase from a post I saw a while ago - see that big yellow thing up in the sky? THAT'S what the world revolves around, not you. (It's true, I swear. Ask Copernicus.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah 12:44. Are you saying it is selfish to expect your mother to prioritize helping her daugher out after having a baby above a week long vacation of restaurants and shopping with her other childless daughter?

I think that says a lot about you.

No but do think it also not reasonable for the OP to get pissy because after spend a week helping her, her mom wants to spend the day with her other daughter. Then get even more pissy because they ask her to come along but refuse to change their plans and spend the day doing something else because it would interfere with naps.

[Anonymous]

OK, last post before I'm done with lunch. But here it goes.

So let me see if I have this right - your sister sucks because:

- She doesn't babysit for you as often as you'd like. Well, what sucks mostly is that she tells my kids every time she sees them "We are going to come and get you and take you to the park this weekend! We are going to take you to a movie/zoo/pool (whatever)!" Then fails to follow through, leaving me with a 4 year old saying "Where is Aunty and Uncle?" Fine if you have no interest in my kids. But don't get their freaking hopes up and not follow through. I have asked her to stop saying these things. She continues.
- Your mother stayed with her when you had your first kid, rather than staying with you. (Apparently your mother has no free will, and bears no responsibility for this.) Yes. I told my sister "Mom is going to stay with ME because I need help! I have no idea what I'm doing and I just had a baby. I want mom to help me." Even so, she didn't back down. My mom does have responsibility in this, but that is a whole different can of worms. She tries to remain neutral, but my sister is just better at manipulating her than I am.
- She didn't immediately come to pay homage when your second kid was born. I was really hurt by this, yes. I could see a few hours or even the next day, but my sister was trying to prove a point. She comes before everyone.

- She flaked on her committment to watch your first kid when the second was born. (That seems selfish - but when did she tell you? When you were in labor? No, it sounds like you had a lot of advance notice.) She told me about 2 weeks before my due date. I wouldn't call that lots of advance notice, given we have no other family in the area.
- She's taking your Mom at 5:00 Friday evening, depriving you of the early-morning childcare (read, opportunity to sleep late) that you wanted. Never mind that your Mom also has a say in this decision, that she may be tired of taking care of your kids, that she might like to do something fun on Friday night.) No. We are all early risers, we'll be up anyway. I was hoping to spend some time with my mom and dad with my family, maybe on an outing.
- You're not included in their weekend plans - but your Mom just spent the whole week with you (yes, yes, I know you work, but you're home at night, right?), she apparently is coming back to your house NEXT week, and apparently hasn't seen you sister. Plus, you know that outings with kids tend to be all about the kids, and you Mom might need a break - and they might want to do an adult activity (like vinyards, for instance). No, she's not coming back next week. She leaves Sunday evening on a late flight. This is the only weekend. Yes I know an outing with the kids involves the kids. But these grandparents live on teh other side of the country and only see us 1-2 times a year max. I'd like to do ONE outing with them as a family while they are here. Just the one.
Someone does indeed suck here - but it doesn't seem like it's your sister. To paraphrase from a post I saw a while ago - see that big yellow thing up in the sky? THAT'S what the world revolves around, not you. (It's true, I swear. Ask Copernicus.)

[Anonymous]

No but do think it also not reasonable for the OP to get pissy because after spend a week helping her, her mom wants to spend the day with her other daughter. Then get even more pissy because they ask her to come along but refuse to change their plans and spend the day doing something else because it would interfere with naps.

YOu don't haev kids, do you?