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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
My sister sucks
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Anonymous
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OP, I have a similar type of family. A sister who lives nearby, but could actually care less about seeing her niece and nephew much less watching them for us. My parents visit twice a year and stays 3 days at a time. I can't even imagine going out one of the nights with DH while they visit, since I'm usually so exhausted taking care of everyone in addition to my own kids. I used to be fairly resentful about this. But I have come to accept that this is my reality and decided that I actually wouldn't mind if they stayed with my sister, which they thought about doing last time, but I talked them out of it. I also have had fantasies in the past about moving closer to my parents so they can spend more time with their grandkids and have now decided that the distance between us is just about right.
My point is that rather than wishing things were different or objecting to what's going on or trying to manipulate people to do your bidding, you would probably be happier if you just accepted that this is how your family is and there really isn't anything you can do to change it. I'm guessing that your sister is the first-born and you are the baby of the family. |
Anonymous
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Are you sure your mom doesn't want to be with your sister?
Sorry, but watching the grandkids is NOT a requirement. Its nice if you can get it, but its not "what moms do when their daughters have babies." Maybe your mom is tired and has asked your sister to come get her. Maybe she needs some quiet time. Maybe she wants to do some adult activities. Your sister also has no requirement to watch your kids. My SIL does watch my son on occassion,but we limit the times we ask her - to once or twice a year - because watching kids is totally exhausting for people who don't have kids. Or at least for some of them. I can tell my SIL is just completely worn out, even after an hour. Its just foreign to her. So to you - it may seem like a little thing to ask - to her it might be a huge thing. I'm not saying that it doesn't totally suck that you don't have family support. It does suck But I don't think its fair to say they aren't doing their job. You choose to have kids. Your sister didn't. |
Anonymous
| OP- I don't see where your sister sucks. If you are going to be mad at anyone it should be your mother. |
Anonymous
| Stunningly.dull.topic. |
Anonymous
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I don't think it is unusual to have your mom come stay with you when you have a baby. Most of my friends did this. Maybe not if you don't have a good relationship with your mom, but I do think it is pretty common.
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Anonymous
Twins and when they were still taking naps I scheduled MY life around those naps, but I didn't require others to do the same unless they were coming to my house. |
Anonymous
| well, i think your sister sucks. and most of those things would bother me too, frankly. i have a biggish family and we don't all live near each other, but when a new child arrives into the family, most of us bend over backwards to accomodate. and activities have shifted over time to be more child-centered. that is true also for the members of the family without children. they come along, enjoy the little ones on the family, lend a hand, maybe wander off on their own for a while... |
Anonymous
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I would never ask my parents to babysit my kids full-time for a week...and they are in the area and love my kids.
I think that is a lot for one grandparent to handle. The woman probably needs a break. That is a lot of time with your kids. I don't blame her for going over to your sister's. Plus- she's been at your house the entire week. Your sister gets 2.5 days. I think you are the one that actually sounds a little ungrateful. I get really pissed when people make their kids other people's priorities. I would never impose on my parents even though I know they'd agree to be caretakers. They did their job with my siblings and I--now they get to it on their terms. For me,,that is a couple of sleepovers a month my kids go to their house and are taken on fun outings, etc. I pay for a babysitter when I am in a bind. |
Anonymous
A couple sleep overs a MONTH at the grandparent's house?? Most people would DREAM of that. Sounds like your parents watch your kids a lot. More than most. |
Anonymous
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OP, my mother does not enjoy being a grandma, and my sister does not have children. My mother enjoys spending time with my single sister and going shopping and having meals at fancy restaurants.
I feel your pain, but I have also come to accept that that is mother and my sister. I also think that you are convinced that because you have kids, your kids should be the main priority of their grandmother. I think that it's great that your mom is spending the whole week with your kids. Two days with your sister is entirely reasonable, even if she might have re-neged on a promise to the kids. A week with young children is EXHAUSTING. Just because your mom wakes up early does not mean that she should be up with the kids on Saturday after spending all week with them. Maybe she would rather have a cup of coffee in peace and read the newspaper. |
Anonymous
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FWIW, it sounds like your mom likes your sister better than you. It could be you/your actions/personality or it could be nothing you've done.
My own sister (with 3 kids she had earlier in life) used to make my mom feel like she was expected to do things...my parents would drive an hour to her house to watch her kids part of the summer, take them to practices she couldn't get to, etc. etc. I always got the spiel form her about how good DH and I had it...we were married 7 years before deciding to have kids and spent a good deal of that time traveling,etc. My mom and dad are almost scared of her sometimes  . She can be a b*tch and a master of making them do what she needs. I was a very active Aunt...showed up at every single kid bday party, religious event, most sporting events, etc...so may be different from your sister in that respect.
Flash forward to when I had my two kids...my sister didn't come to my firstborns first bday party because her 10 year old had a soccer game. She has missed other events and continually depends on my parents even though her kids are pre-teens and two about to graduate HS. She also only works part-time (and only has since she had the kids). I work full-time and have always paid for the care of my kids. I think my parents and I have a much healthier relationship because they call to ask to invite the kids to things and to take us out,etc. vs me continually asking them to do babysitting on my terms. I also think DH and I finally having kids took the 'thunder' out of most of her ideas...how we wouldn't be able to handle it, or didn't know what we were in for. I think she also didn't like that her and her kids weren't 100% focus anymore. I see a lot of similarites and your post and my situation and I am not convinced we get a clear view from your post. I would love to hear your mom and sisters take on it. |
Anonymous
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To recap here - the OP is mad because her mommy wants to go see her sister after spending 5 days babysitting her kids?
Sounds like OP is a selfish brat. Grow up. |
Anonymous
I would have guessed the opposite. OP, I get where you're coming from. It's probably just easier to accept how it is than lament how it is not. |
Anonymous
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What strikes me is how many of the posters defending the sister are twisting the facts to make the sister seem less selfish. OP is getting free child care (she said she's paying). OP wants to sleep in on the weekend (She said several times she wants to do a family event). OP had lots of warning when the sister warned her to find new arrangements for her child when giving birth so she could go on a cruise (OP says 2 weeks).
I think some of these PPs have their own issues to work out. |
Anonymous
| Mine too. |