Neighbors seem to really hate us and we don't know why

[Anonymous]

We bought our house about 3.5yrs ago. The neighborhood is turning over with folks that have lived in these houses for 30 years to younger families. When we bought our house our neighbors, who are in their 70s, seemed nice enough. They have proceeded to constantly complain about every little thing while being extremely passive aggressive. Some examples of what has happened:
- the wife started cutting roses off of a rose bush that is in a planter that borders their yard. When my husband said something to the husband, he said that his wife cut them since we weren't cutting them off and enjoying them in our house they would! What! They are our flowers and my young children like to watch them bloom when we come home everyday and when we are outside. We came home one day and most of them were gone when at the peak of their bloom.
- we have a dog that burns our grass where she urinates. We have trained her to go in a bed of mulch in our back yard. The wife yelled at my DH because some of her grass was burned in her swail in a rectangle shape! We don't let our dog go out in the front yard and when she has urinated in our back yard it burns the grass in a circle shape - not a freakin' rectangle!
- my dad recently passed away unexpectedly at a fairly young age (late 50's) and my mom (his ex of 35 yrs) was helping me construct a small white tent in my back yard so I could offer some shade to my relatives after his funeral in Arlington Cemetery when I hosted a lunch. My neighbor came running out asking my mom if we were having a revival. Of course, she snapped back no my DD's father just passed away and it's for the lunch after his funeral tomorrow. He just said, oh and walked away. I was standing right there stunned and he never said a word to me.
- I moved my DH's car down the street a little (partially in front of our house and partially in front of his house. He came running out TELLING me I can't park there because his son was coming over. Unless his son drives a stretch limo he has plenty of room to park in front of his house.
- on a recent walk by the DH and DW, they walked up the driveway to tell my DH that our driveway looked ugly. It has 2 areas where the concrete has popped out small circles which we were guessing was due to salt use during the winter. It's all white so unless you are staring at it it's not noticeable. This is really not a top priority for 2 working parents with 2 small kids.
- the latest mini-saga has been our garbage & recycling bins. My DH starting putting them next to our driveway on the side by these neighbors. Our property extends about 5' from our driveway to their property line. He started putting the bins on that side so that when he leaves in the morning it's easier for him to pull forward when leaving. This neighbor actually dragged 2 garbage cans and 2 recycling bins from this spot across the front of our driveway back to the spot we had been putting them. This was a few weeks ago. My DH continued to put the cans in the "new" spot and he hasn't touched them since. Tonight, with my DH out of town, I went to bring the garbage down to the street and the neighbor has parked his car right next to our driveway. So close that I can't put the garbage on the one side of my driveway.

We are about to start an addition onto our house so my DH thinks we should just keep taking this major passive-aggressive, annoying behavior because he thinks if we/I say something to them they will give us a hard time or try to cause problems while we are doing this addition.

My position is that we are doing everything legal with the addition and I would like to confront them and request that if they don't have anything nice to say then please keep it to themselves. Possibly ask them if there is anything that I/we ever did that has made them dislike us so much. To add to the back story, he literally walks the street and brings up 6 of the neighbors garbage cans in the morning to their house from the street to be neighborly. He also rakes leaves and mows the lawn occasionally at one house catty-corner from us (with both of the past 2 renters in the home). They were SAHMs, but their DHs worked very 8-4 jobs so it wasn't like he feels bad that the DH isn't home at all. In fact my DH works 6 days/week during certain seasons and I've been out raking leaves with a baby in a sling and trying to keep a toddler from running into the street and he's walked across the street to rake leaves with the renting family across the street.

Now, the only reason I say all of that is not that I want him/them to help us all but to demonstrate that we don't believe they are just crudegy old people, but that it really is an issue with us bit we have no idea why.

I think I should just ask them what the issue is and them ask them to just keep their opinions to themselves if they can't be friendly. My DH thinks they will cause more problems if we just keep giving in to every little thing they complain about.

What should we do?

[Anonymous]

Maybe they own the house catty-corner to you (and rent it out), and that is why he rakes the leaves there.

[Anonymous]

Ignore them and keep doing your own thing - like putting the trash bin in the new spot. Also, park where you want to park, the street is public. And last, put a "huge" sign in your yard saying: "PRIVATE PROPERY. DO NOT CUT ANY FLOWERS OR PLANTS WITHOUT PERMITION."

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. This sounds like a really stressful situation, but it is a big mistake to overtly confront this type of neighbor. You really need to step back and examine your own behavior.

--OP, do you live in the suburbs where there are big lots or in a closer in urban area? Because on smaller tighter lots, your behavior might be way more annoying to a reasonable person.

--having rose bushes that hang over into your neighbors yard? You should just let her cut the ones that cross the property line. People can be very touchy about having anything--garbage cans, tree branches,vines, etc, encroaching their property line. So stop it!

--the dog urination (and presumably POOP) patch? Does the patch smell? Do you clean it pretty regularly OP? Does you dog also bark a lot? Or charge around occasionally running onto their property? Because I'm guessing there is more to your dog's behavior than what you've said here--it just may not bother you--but maybe could really annoy a neighbor.

--is your garbage put out days in advance of trash day? Is it overflowing with debris? Because, yeah, in an urban or close in suburban setting, this is really, really annoying.

--occasionally parking in front of your neighbor's house, no biggie. Doing it on a regular basis when there is space in front of your own house? Assholish, imo.

All of the above is to suggest that you maybe behaving within legal limits--but you may be a very discourteous neighbor. You sound pretty passive aggressive here, actually OP. You might want to try to be a little more conformist to get less friction with your neighbor. It will only escalate if you don't. And nobody wins an incendiary battle.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems to me you take offense very easily, and you don't stop to look at things from someone else's viewpoint.

So they snipped a few roses from a rosebush? So what? As you said, you are a busy working family with two kids. This seriously gets you down? Seriously?
If you are going to put up a big white tent in your back yard for a large gathering, have the consideration to call and inform your neighbors, especially if you live in an area of small backyards. It's the polite thing to do.
Don't have your dog pee on the property line. For goodness sake. Isn't this a no-brainer? Who the hell wants to live next to your dog urinal?
Your garbage game sounds passive aggressive and childish.
Old people are house proud and tend to be housebound. If you are going to park in front of their house, tell them. Give a friendly wave. You benefit from the fact that they are home all the time. I bet your house is never robbed.
Thank him for pointing out the holes in the driveway. That's all he wants. He's bored, has little to do, and wants to feel needed. So he said your driveway was ugly. Again, this seriously gets you down.

OP, we have elderly neighbors on all sides of us. Yes, they constantly kibbitz, they are houseproud, they comment on everything. They are also fantastic neighbors who look out for us constantly. You sound immature and hypersensitive.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am on your side. Good luck. Hope this does not escalate into something out of a lifetime movie! Wish I had advice. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

They are old and don't like change. They have the we were here first and that's the way we have always done it thing going on. Next time they complain smile sweetly and tell them things have changed and maybe if they cant adjust it's time for them to move on

[Anonymous]

This is sort of funny, they sound crazy. I would avoid them. You said the roses were in a planter, can you move it? If it is the ground i would dig it up and move it away from them.

[Anonymous]

On the rose bushes, I'd probably actually say something to them if they are cutting ones that are not on their side of the property.

On the trash cans, move them to where your neighbor wants them moved since your neighbor feels so strongly about it.

Bake them some cookies, go over there, and ask them for a fresh start. Even if you aren't in the wrong, it couldn't hurt to try to patch things up with the people who live next door to you.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs. For old people who have lived there forever, the parking in front of their house without asking, the trash can warfare, and the dog peeing alone is enough to make them hate you. I'm sure there is other inconsiderate behavior that you are not aware of. Life in the burbs is a whole different way of interacting with your neighbors, and even things that you do wholly within your property line and on your own house that can irritate neighbors and cause them to judge you. It's why I hate the burbs. The way you want to confront them is juvenile though. I'd try to get to a fresh start with them and try a little sucking up. Go out of your way to be nice to them and defer to them. You probably will live next to them for a long time and it will make a worked of difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time they complain smile sweetly and tell them things have changed and maybe if they cant adjust it's time for them to move on

Please don't take this advice. How obnoxious. How unnecessary. This is the worst of the arrogant DC attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they own the house catty-corner to you (and rent it out), and that is why he rakes the leaves there.

We know they don't own that house because we've met the owner.

[Anonymous]

I am actually shocked that most of the posters are saying that the OP is in the wrong.

You certainly do NOT need permission from your neighbor to set up a tent in your backyard for the afternoon. If our neighbors came to ask or tell us that, I would wonder why they were wasting my time.

As for the driveway, I would have said, "Yeah, it isn't perfect but unfortunately is not in our budget to fix right now."

Move the rose bush so it is not near the property line.

If the garbage cans are still FULLY in front of your property, then put them where it is most convenient for your family.

Other than that, just kill them with kindness and keep your fingers crossed that they move soon!

[Anonymous]

This post makes me VERY grateful for my normal and nice neighbors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. This sounds like a really stressful situation, but it is a big mistake to overtly confront this type of neighbor. You really need to step back and examine your own behavior.

--OP, do you live in the suburbs where there are big lots or in a closer in urban area? Because on smaller tighter lots, your behavior might be way more annoying to a reasonable person.

--having rose bushes that hang over into your neighbors yard? You should just let her cut the ones that cross the property line. People can be very touchy about having anything--garbage cans, tree branches,vines, etc, encroaching their property line. So stop it!

--the dog urination (and presumably POOP) patch? Does the patch smell? Do you clean it pretty regularly OP? Does you dog also bark a lot? Or charge around occasionally running onto their property? Because I'm guessing there is more to your dog's behavior than what you've said here--it just may not bother you--but maybe could really annoy a neighbor.

--is your garbage put out days in advance of trash day? Is it overflowing with debris? Because, yeah, in an urban or close in suburban setting, this is really, really annoying.

--occasionally parking in front of your neighbor's house, no biggie. Doing it on a regular basis when there is space in front of your own house? Assholish, imo.

All of the above is to suggest that you maybe behaving within legal limits--but you may be a very discourteous neighbor. You sound pretty passive aggressive here, actually OP. You might want to try to be a little more conformist to get less friction with your neighbor. It will only escalate if you don't. And nobody wins an incendiary battle.

- we live in Mt Vernon where the lots are much bigger than where we lived before near Old Town (and we got along great with all of our neighbors before in a much tighter space).
-The rose bushes are in the ground, along with a few other plants and small bushes, with pieces of wood as a border. All of it was there before we moved in and we've just maintained it. The flowers/bushes don't cross over their property line at all. We keep everything trimmed up.
-I think you misread what I wrote or I wasn't clear. Our dogs ONLY urinate and poop in OUR back yard, which is FENCED in. Our dogs are also not barkers. We don't let them stay outside and bark. We've had these dogs for over 10 yrs in apts. and 2 houses without ever having a complaint.
-we put our garbage out on Sunday evening (because that's usually when I'm doing a final "cleaning" of the house and emptying the house trash cans. It's not overflowing with debris. We're a family of 4 with 2 small kids. We don't generate THAT much garbage. Also, my DH goes into work late so he actually bring the cans up on Monday morning after trash pickup so they don't even sit out there for the day.
-I pulled my DH's car forward on the street so it was partially in front of our property and only a few feet in front of his (on the opposite side of his property from his driveway). You could still EASILY fit 2 more cars in front of DHs. We don't do it all of the time, but it's easier when we are mowing the swail.

Not sure how any of our behaviors are discourteous. We go out of our way to try and be respectful, but they seem to just escalate in their pickiness and "issues" they have with us. I appreciate your feedback, but your extrapolations about these issues are inaccurate.