Disaster coming with brother and fiancé

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

If she is 45, the chances of a newborn are smaller with every month.

“At 45, a woman's likelihood of getting pregnant is no more than 3 or 4 percent.”

https://www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/trying-to-conceive/up-your-chances-of-getting-pregnant-at-every-age/

[Anonymous]

I followed this thread and missed some things that got deleted, but I kind of feel like the details don't matter too much, and the gist is: OP and family see red flags and they're worried because they love him. I think that's totally understandable. I mean, what if this lady really WAS the NYC grifter?? So instead of focusing in on whether it was wrong to let the 11 year old share the bedroom or whatever, it's really about OP just letting go and accepting she really doesn't have any control over this situation. The fiancee might be terrible, manipulative, personality-disordered, psychopathic, murderous, and there's still nothing she can do about it if her brother is hell bent on this relationship. All she can do is be there for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

I followed this thread without commenting, and the summary is a fair description of your posts, which I saw before deleted. If that isn’t accurate, well that is on you for not being accurate.

The likelihood a 45 yo is going to get pregnant is incredibly small.

And OF COURSE you have lived in NYC for a long time. That explains a lot!

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to have some conflicts in your logic.

You do not like your brother's fiancé. It seems you would prefer them not to marry, yet you complain that your future SIL has postponed the weeding and you seem to think she will continue to postpone it to preserve her rent controlled situation and her daughter's scholarship. So, you have your wish, they will not marry.

You are fearful of your brother and his fiancé having a child. Yet, you say she is 45. Having a child at that age is unlikely and more so with each month that passes.


My read, is that you have always been the young girl/woman in your family and now you have competition. There is more than one princess now. I have seen it happen quite often. Plus, your brother is the male heir- and IME, many families have a hard time accepting the male heir's chosen companion. No one is ever good enough. Maybe neither dynamic is going on, maybe both. However, from your posts, I would lean on a bit of both.

I suggest taking a different perspective on the food. You, presumably, did the food planning and shopping, so you naturally planned and purchased your family's preferred foods. No family has the same list of preferred foods. If you had come into another family's vacation, I am sure that you would need to get a few things for you and your children as their all preferred foods would most probably not be there. You never say, but you imply that fiancé and daughter come from a different culture- which would make the preferred food list more disparate.

I would also suggest that having a 5 year old and an 11 year old share sleeping quarters is never ideal. I have an owl and a lark. My sister has an owl and a lark. When we vacation together, the larks share a room and the owls share a room.

You say that your brother does not make a lot of money. Is this in comparison to you and your family or to the average income in NYC? It also sounds like fiancé does not make that much money, yet she had been able to find an affordable apartment in NYC and get her daughter into a prestigious school. She does not seem to be lacking in wherewithall. I would say your brother is lucky to have found her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

PP, we’re not from different cultures. I’m not a princess. I’d love my brother to have a child, and to get to have a family. There are a ton of red flags and brother was something of a serial monogamist, where we anticipated he’d marry well before this age. He doesn’t earn a salary to solely take on an apartment big enough for all, especially if she does get pregnant, which is certainly possible, without her contribution. She doesn’t only wish to retain her home, which I have never said is de facto unreasonable. It is, however, incompatible with cohabiting with a spouse and potentially bringing in another child to a 1-bed where she is the only adult on a recently renewed and very long-term lease. It’s not begrudging anyone anything to say that.

[Anonymous]

I know of a couple who have lied to both of their entire families for nearly 10 years that they eloped but they never actually got married. The SAHM wife is on every welfare benefit there is and even used Medicaid (?) to have a free childbirth. Could see similar with your brother, so the sketchy fiancée can keep all of her perks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

So this is the basis of your rage about her being a "liar"? Because she made a joke about deserving alimony from her ex?

Okay then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

PP, we’re not from different cultures. I’m not a princess. I’d love my brother to have a child, and to get to have a family. There are a ton of red flags and brother was something of a serial monogamist, where we anticipated he’d marry well before this age. He doesn’t earn a salary to solely take on an apartment big enough for all, especially if she does get pregnant, which is certainly possible, without her contribution. She doesn’t only wish to retain her home, which I have never said is de facto unreasonable. It is, however, incompatible with cohabiting with a spouse and potentially bringing in another child to a 1-bed where she is the only adult on a recently renewed and very long-term lease. It’s not begrudging anyone anything to say that.

That is all!? One alimony joke? You are unreal. That is not lying, it is joking. I feel for this poor woman. She sounds like a real go-getter doing her best for her child as a single mom.

I doubt there will be an actual wedding because of the benefits issues. Open up your mind, families can look all sorts of ways now and it is OK. You want something very traditional for your brother, but that isn’t what he has chosen. Accept it, like you would accept him being gay or trans or marrying someone of a different race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I f
Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

PP, we’re not from different cultures. I’m not a princess. I’d love my brother to have a child, and to get to have a family. There are a ton of red flags and brother was something of a serial monogamist, where we anticipated he’d marry well before this age. He doesn’t earn a salary to solely take on an apartment big enough for all, especially if she does get pregnant, which is certainly possible, without her contribution. She doesn’t only wish to retain her home, which I have never said is de facto unreasonable. It is, however, incompatible with cohabiting with a spouse and potentially bringing in another child to a 1-bed where she is the only adult on a recently renewed and very long-term lease. It’s not begrudging anyone anything to say that.

That is all!? One alimony joke? You are unreal. That is not lying, it is joking. I feel for this poor woman. She sounds like a real go-getter doing her best for her child as a single mom.

I doubt there will be an actual wedding because of the benefits issues. Open up your mind, families can look all sorts of ways now and it is OK. You want something very traditional for your brother, but that isn’t what he has chosen. Accept it, like you would accept him being gay or trans or marrying someone of a different race.

WE are mixed. She is also mixed. SHE set a May 2021 date - he was upset they couldn’t wed. There are zero indications he wants that super cool way modern family configuration you suggest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

WHY are you so involved in her finances and real estate decisions? Even if she's using the apartment as a way to delay marriage, why is that your business? Is your bother not an adult? An actual gold-digger would have accepted his offer and relied on him to pay the rent. She's looking after her own finances, sounds like. When you're in your 40s and have a kid already, those are the kind of decisions that responsible people make. You're not 20 years old and going to go live in a studio apartment together in Queens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I f
Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

PP, we’re not from different cultures. I’m not a princess. I’d love my brother to have a child, and to get to have a family. There are a ton of red flags and brother was something of a serial monogamist, where we anticipated he’d marry well before this age. He doesn’t earn a salary to solely take on an apartment big enough for all, especially if she does get pregnant, which is certainly possible, without her contribution. She doesn’t only wish to retain her home, which I have never said is de facto unreasonable. It is, however, incompatible with cohabiting with a spouse and potentially bringing in another child to a 1-bed where she is the only adult on a recently renewed and very long-term lease. It’s not begrudging anyone anything to say that.

That is all!? One alimony joke? You are unreal. That is not lying, it is joking. I feel for this poor woman. She sounds like a real go-getter doing her best for her child as a single mom.

I doubt there will be an actual wedding because of the benefits issues. Open up your mind, families can look all sorts of ways now and it is OK. You want something very traditional for your brother, but that isn’t what he has chosen. Accept it, like you would accept him being gay or trans or marrying someone of a different race.

WE are mixed. She is also mixed. SHE set a May 2021 date - he was upset they couldn’t wed. There are zero indications he wants that super cool way modern family configuration you suggest.

The evidence is in the fact he is with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

PP, we’re not from different cultures. I’m not a princess. I’d love my brother to have a child, and to get to have a family. There are a ton of red flags and brother was something of a serial monogamist, where we anticipated he’d marry well before this age. He doesn’t earn a salary to solely take on an apartment big enough for all, especially if she does get pregnant, which is certainly possible, without her contribution. She doesn’t only wish to retain her home, which I have never said is de facto unreasonable. It is, however, incompatible with cohabiting with a spouse and potentially bringing in another child to a 1-bed where she is the only adult on a recently renewed and very long-term lease. It’s not begrudging anyone anything to say that.

SHE MADE A JOKE!! Are you for real??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

PP, we’re not from different cultures. I’m not a princess. I’d love my brother to have a child, and to get to have a family. There are a ton of red flags and brother was something of a serial monogamist, where we anticipated he’d marry well before this age. He doesn’t earn a salary to solely take on an apartment big enough for all, especially if she does get pregnant, which is certainly possible, without her contribution. She doesn’t only wish to retain her home, which I have never said is de facto unreasonable. It is, however, incompatible with cohabiting with a spouse and potentially bringing in another child to a 1-bed where she is the only adult on a recently renewed and very long-term lease. It’s not begrudging anyone anything to say that.

So basically, you think SHE should give up her invaluable lease to support your brother, who cannot afford a two-bedroom apartment on his own. Is that right? Why is SHE the one who needs to give up substantial financial security, and not your brother? In one of your previous posts (perhaps deleted) you said that the solution they worked out was for your brother to rent a market-rate apartment in her building. That actually sounds like an ideal, very fair solution. Not sure why this outrages you so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The summary is completely wrong and makes a lot go assumptions, but that’s unsurprising. I’ve lived in NYC for a long time, and stated zero inaccuracies about the housing complexities my brother is facing.

You think you’re smart. Well, no. It’s not ok for SIL - a 45 year old woman, not naive - to lead her MIL to believe she had been married, that she’s eager to get pregnant despite knowing she can’t leave her 1 bedroom nor legally have another adult and a potential newborn there, and to tell her fiancé they’d marry this past spring, and then blow past that date because she can’t marry and live as an actual family. You may like people who lie to your mothers and spin shit to your brother. I don’t.

Its not going to work out, and that’s just fine.

What did she say to your mom that led your mom to conclude that she'd been married?

She made a “joke” about deserving “more alimony” from her ex. So she did not directly claim a former marriage, but said that.

PP, we’re not from different cultures. I’m not a princess. I’d love my brother to have a child, and to get to have a family. There are a ton of red flags and brother was something of a serial monogamist, where we anticipated he’d marry well before this age. He doesn’t earn a salary to solely take on an apartment big enough for all, especially if she does get pregnant, which is certainly possible, without her contribution. She doesn’t only wish to retain her home, which I have never said is de facto unreasonable. It is, however, incompatible with cohabiting with a spouse and potentially bringing in another child to a 1-bed where she is the only adult on a recently renewed and very long-term lease. It’s not begrudging anyone anything to say that.

So basically, you think SHE should give up her invaluable lease to support your brother, who cannot afford a two-bedroom apartment on his own. Is that right? Why is SHE the one who needs to give up substantial financial security, and not your brother? In one of your previous posts (perhaps deleted) you said that the solution they worked out was for your brother to rent a market-rate apartment in her building. That actually sounds like an ideal, very fair solution. Not sure why this outrages you so much?

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