Disaster coming with brother and fiancé

[Anonymous]

NP. I'm a little stunned at the responses here. I'm guessing there is a lot of people making sport of OP.

OP, my guess is you are reacting to the totality of the weekend, not the specific incidents in themselves. And I've seen this play out again and again in families who stay in rented vacation guest houses together. It is frequently a bad dynamic, especially with different aged kids and/or different parenting styles.

The fiancé and her child might not have wanted to go. So your brother was bending over backwards to accommodate what was clearly a bad dynamic from the start.

There was probably plenty of blame to pass around. You need to decide how much you want a relationship with your brother.

[Anonymous]

Well, he does sound like an idiot, and I would say something privately when he's calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm a little stunned at the responses here. I'm guessing there is a lot of people making sport of OP.

OP, my guess is you are reacting to the totality of the weekend, not the specific incidents in themselves. And I've seen this play out again and again in families who stay in rented vacation guest houses together. It is frequently a bad dynamic, especially with different aged kids and/or different parenting styles.

The fiancé and her child might not have wanted to go. So your brother was bending over backwards to accommodate what was clearly a bad dynamic from the start.

There was probably plenty of blame to pass around. You need to decide how much you want a relationship with your brother.

No one is "making sport" of her. Some of her complaints are ridiculous. She is affronted that people expected her 6 yo to be quiet in the morning, and leave a shared room, so a preteen could sleep. And she then was angry that the kid stayed up late and "snuck in" - she initially wasn't upset that the preteen was loud, but at the fact that she stayed up late. And *then* it comes out that the real reason she's angry is that it "was on her dime," so apparently everyone in the house should cater to her. Apparently she hasn't heard that if you are the host, you should try to make your guests comfortable.

Whatever the issues her brother might have, OP does not seem like a nice, caring, or considerate person. And that's based on how she describes herself, so one can only imagine what someone who isn't trying to paint her in a positive light would say about her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you asked this question on DCUM, where the average poster would probably think twice before telling their neighbor their house was on fire rather than overstep...so the answers you've gotten here are not surprising.

For me, if I were truly worried about my brother's long-term happiness, I would have talked to him by now and wouldn't even think to crowdsource the question. But that's the relationship my siblings and I have with each. We have all stepped in with concern/advice at some point in each other's adult lives. Only you know what kind of relationship you have with your sibling and whether this would be appropriate...but I just want to share that there is a world where it is okay to do this.

That being said, it's a little strange that he's already engaged, and you're just now seeing red flags. Was this a really fast-moving relationship? Or has something changed recently? Also, I will note that the things that you cited don't seem completely off-the-wall nuts (though the grocery thing is definitely not "normal")...so I don't know how to calibrate the situation.

What you really need to ask yourself is whether you're genuinely worried about your brother or whether you're annoyed by the visit and want to let him know that. If the latter, don't say anything. If the former, then I would say something.

[Anonymous]

OP: Ignore the haters. No, there is nothing you can do about the relationship going forward. But I would be annoyed if I invited someone on vacation and paid and then they made rules. Yes, everyone can be reasonable about bedtimes etc and to me it sounds like you were. I wouldn't do it again (the shared house stuff...it just doesn't work).

[Anonymous]

Well what “disaster” do you think is coming? He sounds like he plans to be a generous spouse and step parent, which is wonderful. I think a lot more DCUM marriages would be happy ones if each spouse tried to be kind and generous, even if excessively so. Is the future wife not kind to him?

[Anonymous]

This thread is a perfect example of being mean for the sake of it. Mean women: butt out.

[Anonymous]

It seems like he would be happier with his family unit in a separate place nearby. Just do that next time instead.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think the OP sister is being mean. She invited them to the vacation house and is "venting" because the brother (her guest) bought too much food and his daughter (her niece) stayed up too late. She sounds controlling and self centered.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the fiancé and daughter didn’t want to go in the first place because they acted badly the whole time. Repeatedly asking your brother to get this then that then this then that from the store is bratty behavior by both mother and daughter. Also while tweens like to sleep late in a small or shared space it’s pretty intrusive to ask the whole family to be quiet until noon or 1 pm. Even 11 AM is s bit awkward.
There’s nothing you can do about the relationship OP though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Ignore the haters. No, there is nothing you can do about the relationship going forward. But I would be annoyed if I invited someone on vacation and paid and then they made rules. Yes, everyone can be reasonable about bedtimes etc and to me it sounds like you were. I wouldn't do it again (the shared house stuff...it just doesn't work).

you think paying for someone’s vacation means you get to dictate when their kid goes to bed? ok.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me that you think all the money he spent on food and whims would have been better as a 'thank you' to you.... since you mention that they are doing this on your dime.

Just don't invite them next time. Easy. He seems to have plenty of money and time to figure out his own family vacation. And don't worry about their relationship, they seem happy, butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The store thing is weird but your daughter being asked to be quiet is completely normal (snd in fact you should have asked her.)

They let the daughter stay up until midnight-1, and “sneak in quietly” (nope) to a room shared with a 6 year old.

So what did you want them to do, put a teenager to bed at 6-year-old bedtime?

If you don’t like spending time with them, don’t. And mind your business about his relationship and/or marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t your business, the part you can control is either not inviting them on vacation or certainly not asking your daughter to share a room with your brother’s fiancé’s teen daughter. That part is on you. Tbh, leaving the room or “being quiet” if one sleeps later is how you share a room. Buying lots of food doesn’t sound that insane either but I mean, whatever. It’s not your business.

+1 but especially the bolded. Of course OP's daughter should be quiet when a cohabitant is sleeping. That is being polite. To ignore that she was sleeping and not be quiet would be the height of rudity. I also think the brother buying the foods people want is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The store thing is weird but your daughter being asked to be quiet is completely normal (snd in fact you should have asked her.)

They let the daughter stay up until midnight-1, and “sneak in quietly” (nope) to a room shared with a 6 year old.

So what did you want them to do, put a teenager to bed at 6-year-old bedtime?

If you don’t like spending time with them, don’t. And mind your business about his relationship and/or marriage.

Exactly. OP, you should have had your 6 year old sleep with you and your spouse. It really sounds like you set up your brother and his future family for failure. I doubt they could do anything right in your eyes...