dad seeking woman who doesn't have and doesn't want kids?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think it will be easy to find this but not impossible. I have two friends who have this exact situation. In one case, the DH had a teenager and the DW couldn't have kids (knew that going into the relationship) so it wasn't so much a choice but just the situation they were in. In the other case, the DH had two young kids from a previous marriage and met a great woman who was more interested in her career than kids. She loves his kids and is a great stepmom but neither have any desire to have more kids together.

Both couples are very happy and have great marriages. It can happen and I think being open and honest from the start is the best policy.

[Anonymous]

I think OP’s situation would work if the woman literally didn’t have to do anything with his kids. Like nothing. Just hi, bye and not have to take them anywhere. Not even pack their lunches. But it would be difficult to avoid and quite awkward.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's what to do. For the next five years, plan to casually date women in their 20s and 30s who do not have kids. Be transparent about your lack of desire for more kids. Probably nothing turns into a long term relationship, but maybe you get lucky and find your unicorn or the woman is on the fence and eventually chooses you over having her own kids. And then if that doesn't work out, you're 50, your kids are older (HS & MS?), and you can tap the 40-50yo market of woman who don't and can't or won't have their own kids, like Emhoff. You could probably use a few years of dating practice and being single after your marriage anyway before you go looking for your next wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I see. I guess it's more that I don't want to have new/more kids in my orbit. So if the woman doesn't have kids and is happy to become a stepmom to mine without having her own kids, that could work for me and maybe not be as hard to find?

Why would they want to date somebody who has kids?

This. My DH has this delusion that if we broke up, he'd find some good looking young-ish woman (under 35) to be with him. He's 48 and I'm 39. I have told him no young-ish woman wants middle aged dad bod with a toddler and an ex-wife. That's like the LAST thing any single quality woman worth her salt would want. On top of that he's impotent (seriously) so he'd have to find that unicorn woman in her early 30s that neither wants kids and wants to take care of his young child. Smh so delusional

This made me chuckle. I think all men think this way. I (sort of) worry OP ditched his ex with this illusion fueling his decision.

100% The whole OP reeks of this - "Okay right after I got divorced I wasn't finding the women that I know are out there for me - younger, hot, not interested in kids, fine with my kids, down for whatever I feel like doing. I must have just been looking in the wrong venues; where are they?"

Ha, this made me laugh.

But seriously OP, I give you credit for hanging in there with this thread. DCUM can be a bunch of harpies, but there's some good advice in there if you have a thick enough skin.

I was child free until 36, never married, unclear what I wanted but professionally successful. Absolutely would not date guys with kids. I had a baby on my own, then wouldn't date guys without them. Why? I needed someone who understood my life and could work with it.

Ultimately we are all pretty self-centered, in that we want what we want. There's nothing wrong with that. But you help yourself the most by having some insight into whether or not what you want is reasonable, and that's going to require some compromise.

Your posts demonstrate an ability to understand your situation, but respectfully, you seem stuck in a "I just want what works for me" place. Be honest: were you a true partner in your marriage? If not, and you don't change that the next go-around, it'll fall apart again.

Spend some time dating casually, keep kids out of it, maybe talk to a therapist or a friend. Your unicorn may be out there, but she's going to have her own needs and wants, regardless of her feelings about your kids or her lack thereof.

Good luck. It can work out. I found a guy with kids who are much older than mine; our kids being at two different developmental stages works great for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I do really appreciate most of the posts on this, even the ones telling me I'm to have to change my expectations.

To correct a few of the total fabrications floating around, though:

I never said anything about lying to women about having a vasectomy. Actually, I said the opposite("I had a vasectomy, so no issue there ... and yes, I would be open about that").

I never said "no" to dating women in their 40s. Actually, I said the opposite ("I don't have a fixed age range in mind. Maybe 35-50?").

I never said I wouldn't "spend money." I only said "She doesn't have to be rich, but I'm also not interested in being a sugar daddy."

My description of appearance and income is 100% accurate. I don't have a problem getting dates. I have a problem finding the right person, and many posts have explained why.

I also didn't leave my ex to find a hot young woman. I always found my ex beautiful, and she probably never looked better than in the period right before we decided to divorce. The divorce was basically mutual because the marriage just did not work. A lot of effort, a lot of therapy, and it was broken and starting to hurt the kids. We both needed a fresh start.

What do I have to offer? I like to think I'm an interesting person, caring/kind, attentive in bed. Can I not start with that?

Those things are fine for someone you have a nice time with. They won't really get you to someone to share a life with. It's the 'sharing a life with' part that you don't talk about in a way that communicates "I have figured out what I want and it's reasonable." The big sister line was really bad. If a guy said that, I'd think he has not fully thought through what the experience of being his girlfriend is going to be like. Why not just put off getting into something serious and find someone else who wants the same thing? And then it doesn't matter if she's divorced and has kids herself, so that opens up a lot more possibilities. A woman who is in a similar position and has partial custody of her kids isn't going to have or expect tons of time spent together, and you can work around each other's schedules instead of just having it be her working around you.

I think this is a single mom who wants to convince divorced dads she’s better to date than a woman with no kids.

Op, I don’t have kids and don’t want them but will date guys with kids. I started dating guys with kids when I was 42. I was not willing to date dads before then. You need to target women in their forties. I agree it’s easier to do someone without kids because then you don’t have to juggle different custody schedules or worry about the kids blending well or worry that your current kids would be jealous of a younger half sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doug Emhoff pulled it off, but his kids were older, he was a law partner, and Kamala Harris is the same age as him. You're asking for too much for what you offer.

This. I think Kamala is actually a year or two older than him. He is very cute and successful financially. His ex is also financially successful so there are no concerns about how to pay for college tuition or child support etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I do really appreciate most of the posts on this, even the ones telling me I'm to have to change my expectations.

To correct a few of the total fabrications floating around, though:

I never said anything about lying to women about having a vasectomy. Actually, I said the opposite("I had a vasectomy, so no issue there ... and yes, I would be open about that").

I never said "no" to dating women in their 40s. Actually, I said the opposite ("I don't have a fixed age range in mind. Maybe 35-50?").

I never said I wouldn't "spend money." I only said "She doesn't have to be rich, but I'm also not interested in being a sugar daddy."

My description of appearance and income is 100% accurate. I don't have a problem getting dates. I have a problem finding the right person, and many posts have explained why.

I also didn't leave my ex to find a hot young woman. I always found my ex beautiful, and she probably never looked better than in the period right before we decided to divorce. The divorce was basically mutual because the marriage just did not work. A lot of effort, a lot of therapy, and it was broken and starting to hurt the kids. We both needed a fresh start.

What do I have to offer? I like to think I'm an interesting person, caring/kind, attentive in bed. Can I not start with that?

Those things are fine for someone you have a nice time with. They won't really get you to someone to share a life with. It's the 'sharing a life with' part that you don't talk about in a way that communicates "I have figured out what I want and it's reasonable." The big sister line was really bad. If a guy said that, I'd think he has not fully thought through what the experience of being his girlfriend is going to be like. Why not just put off getting into something serious and find someone else who wants the same thing? And then it doesn't matter if she's divorced and has kids herself, so that opens up a lot more possibilities. A woman who is in a similar position and has partial custody of her kids isn't going to have or expect tons of time spent together, and you can work around each other's schedules instead of just having it be her working around you.

I think this is a single mom who wants to convince divorced dads she’s better to date than a woman with no kids.

Op, I don’t have kids and don’t want them but will date guys with kids. I started dating guys with kids when I was 42. I was not willing to date dads before then. You need to target women in their forties. I agree it’s easier to do someone without kids because then you don’t have to juggle different custody schedules or worry about the kids blending well or worry that your current kids would be jealous of a younger half sibling.

Would you really date a guy whose sense of how you were going to fit in his life was 'eh, whatever role with the kids you want to have?' I suggested broadening this to divorced women not because that includes me - I'm married - but because I think something casual is a much better idea, and a woman who has her own family to manage might be more into that than a woman who has time for a full-time partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are really selfish to expect a woman to not have or want kids so she can cater to you and your needs.

+1 “I want a woman who doesn’t want any progeny but my children from a different woman.“

[Anonymous]

My bil lives with his gf and for Xmas he goes to his son's house where the ex is. The gf has to go to her family because none of them like her. The grand kids don't go to their home either. He has to pick them up and spend time with them if he wants to see them. Not everyone can stay married but one day the kids grow up and they can choose to include your new partners, or not. It makes those relationships very hard. The gf is a fool because she's wasted 20 years being treated like a door mat. I also have a friend though married is treated pretty much the same. Her husband told her HIS daughter was going to have the grand-kids B Day party at their house. Mainly because the daughter had a small apartment, my friend didn't have a choice. A bunch of small kids with parents who didn't watch them led to a huge mess she was expected to clean up.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly one woman who developed a relationship at 30 with a divorced dad (with older kids). It took one year until she discovered she wanted a baby after all. Childfree single women either a. literally don’t want children, which includes yours with your ex or b. don’t stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I do really appreciate most of the posts on this, even the ones telling me I'm to have to change my expectations.

To correct a few of the total fabrications floating around, though:

I never said anything about lying to women about having a vasectomy. Actually, I said the opposite("I had a vasectomy, so no issue there ... and yes, I would be open about that").

I never said "no" to dating women in their 40s. Actually, I said the opposite ("I don't have a fixed age range in mind. Maybe 35-50?").

I never said I wouldn't "spend money." I only said "She doesn't have to be rich, but I'm also not interested in being a sugar daddy."

My description of appearance and income is 100% accurate. I don't have a problem getting dates. I have a problem finding the right person, and many posts have explained why.

I also didn't leave my ex to find a hot young woman. I always found my ex beautiful, and she probably never looked better than in the period right before we decided to divorce. The divorce was basically mutual because the marriage just did not work. A lot of effort, a lot of therapy, and it was broken and starting to hurt the kids. We both needed a fresh start.

What do I have to offer? I like to think I'm an interesting person, caring/kind, attentive in bed. Can I not start with that?

Those things are fine for someone you have a nice time with. They won't really get you to someone to share a life with. It's the 'sharing a life with' part that you don't talk about in a way that communicates "I have figured out what I want and it's reasonable." The big sister line was really bad. If a guy said that, I'd think he has not fully thought through what the experience of being his girlfriend is going to be like. Why not just put off getting into something serious and find someone else who wants the same thing? And then it doesn't matter if she's divorced and has kids herself, so that opens up a lot more possibilities. A woman who is in a similar position and has partial custody of her kids isn't going to have or expect tons of time spent together, and you can work around each other's schedules instead of just having it be her working around you.

I think this is a single mom who wants to convince divorced dads she’s better to date than a woman with no kids.

Op, I don’t have kids and don’t want them but will date guys with kids. I started dating guys with kids when I was 42. I was not willing to date dads before then. You need to target women in their forties. I agree it’s easier to do someone without kids because then you don’t have to juggle different custody schedules or worry about the kids blending well or worry that your current kids would be jealous of a younger half sibling.

This sounds right to me. I know a couple of women without kids who do not want their own kids, but who have dated/married guys with kids. But, they are all mid-40s and effectively past childbearing age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's what to do. For the next five years, plan to casually date women in their 20s and 30s who do not have kids. Be transparent about your lack of desire for more kids. Probably nothing turns into a long term relationship, but maybe you get lucky and find your unicorn or the woman is on the fence and eventually chooses you over having her own kids. And then if that doesn't work out, you're 50, your kids are older (HS & MS?), and you can tap the 40-50yo market of woman who don't and can't or won't have their own kids, like Emhoff. You could probably use a few years of dating practice and being single after your marriage anyway before you go looking for your next wife.

Yeah, like a 20-year-old would be interested in dating a 50-year-old divorced dude who claims he doesn't want any more children.
Wait, if OP is truly loaded, I can somewhat see this scenario, otherwise NOOO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know exactly one woman who developed a relationship at 30 with a divorced dad (with older kids). It took one year until she discovered she wanted a baby after all. Childfree single women either a. literally don’t want children, which includes yours with your ex or b. don’t stay that way.

But, there are plenty of childless women in their 40s who wanted kids/would have wanted kids, but it didn't happen for them. That's why OP needs to stay in his lane (45-50).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you rich and handsome? If so, you can definitely find it.

It worked in the Sound of Music.

+1

High on a hill was a lonely goatherd,
layee-odl layee-odl lay hee hoo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you rich and handsome? If so, you can definitely find it.

It worked in the Sound of Music.

+1

High on a hill was a lonely goatherd,
layee-odl layee-odl lay hee hoo

I am 45, going on 46...