dad seeking woman who doesn't have and doesn't want kids?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I do really appreciate most of the posts on this, even the ones telling me I'm to have to change my expectations.

To correct a few of the total fabrications floating around, though:

I never said anything about lying to women about having a vasectomy. Actually, I said the opposite("I had a vasectomy, so no issue there ... and yes, I would be open about that").

I never said "no" to dating women in their 40s. Actually, I said the opposite ("I don't have a fixed age range in mind. Maybe 35-50?").

I never said I wouldn't "spend money." I only said "She doesn't have to be rich, but I'm also not interested in being a sugar daddy."

My description of appearance and income is 100% accurate. I don't have a problem getting dates. I have a problem finding the right person, and many posts have explained why.

I also didn't leave my ex to find a hot young woman. I always found my ex beautiful, and she probably never looked better than in the period right before we decided to divorce. The divorce was basically mutual because the marriage just did not work. A lot of effort, a lot of therapy, and it was broken and starting to hurt the kids. We both needed a fresh start.

What do I have to offer? I like to think I'm an interesting person, caring/kind, attentive in bed. Can I not start with that?

[Anonymous]

I guess, you do you. But it's kind of jerky that you have kids but want someone who doesn't. Just feels a bit selfish and self centered. But being selfish is your prerogative.

[Anonymous]

What do I have to offer? I like to think I'm an interesting person, caring/kind, attentive in bed. Can I not start with that?[b]

Great start, but childfree men can be interesting, caring/kind and attentive in bed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I do really appreciate most of the posts on this, even the ones telling me I'm to have to change my expectations.

To correct a few of the total fabrications floating around, though:

I never said anything about lying to women about having a vasectomy. Actually, I said the opposite("I had a vasectomy, so no issue there ... and yes, I would be open about that").

I never said "no" to dating women in their 40s. Actually, I said the opposite ("I don't have a fixed age range in mind. Maybe 35-50?").

I never said I wouldn't "spend money." I only said "She doesn't have to be rich, but I'm also not interested in being a sugar daddy."

My description of appearance and income is 100% accurate. I don't have a problem getting dates. I have a problem finding the right person, and many posts have explained why.

I also didn't leave my ex to find a hot young woman. I always found my ex beautiful, and she probably never looked better than in the period right before we decided to divorce. The divorce was basically mutual because the marriage just did not work. A lot of effort, a lot of therapy, and it was broken and starting to hurt the kids. We both needed a fresh start.

What do I have to offer? I like to think I'm an interesting person, caring/kind, attentive in bed. Can I not start with that?

Those things are fine for someone you have a nice time with. They won't really get you to someone to share a life with. It's the 'sharing a life with' part that you don't talk about in a way that communicates "I have figured out what I want and it's reasonable." The big sister line was really bad. If a guy said that, I'd think he has not fully thought through what the experience of being his girlfriend is going to be like. Why not just put off getting into something serious and find someone else who wants the same thing? And then it doesn't matter if she's divorced and has kids herself, so that opens up a lot more possibilities. A woman who is in a similar position and has partial custody of her kids isn't going to have or expect tons of time spent together, and you can work around each other's schedules instead of just having it be her working around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes, I see the age issue. Makes sense, but limiting myself to, say, 45+ is a little hard to swallow at this point. (It's not about trying to find a 25 year old. It's just that that's creating a pretty shallow pool.) I also take the point about dating other divorced people when they don't have their kids, but that requires enough overlap of our non-kid days, so I haven't been optimistic about that working, but maybe. And there have been a few replies from people saying they'd be into this, which gives some hope that they're maybe not quite unicorns.

But, everyone who said they’d go for it were closer to/over your age. Stop trying to find a 30 something. I’m a 30 something. All of my friends are still “kids maybe” even the ones who are “but probably not.”

Yep. I posted earlier. I’m mid forties and will date divorced dads but in my thirties? No way

+1 I never thought about having kids until I got married in my 30s, but I wanted to keep that option open. But, if I hadn't gotten married by my 40s, I think I would've give up on having my own kids, and I would've probably been open to dating a divorced man with kids since I know that most men in that age range have kids. But 30s? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heh, haven't read this whole thread - but back when I was dating, I actually assumed I would marry someone like OP.

I didn't want kids of my own, didn't want to parent full time, but thought I would be a great part time stepmom - like a fun aunt role. Having kids in my life that I am not primarily responsible for, but that I have a close-ish relationship with.

Anyway too late now because I got married - to someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids - but I can't imagine I am the only one out there. Then again, there are exactly zero people I talked to about this who thought it was either a good idea or really possible once you navigated actual relationships with actual people, so.

That’s not how it works. I have a great relationship with my stepson, but he was late teens when his dad and I started dating and in his last year of college when we married. My friends who are married to men with partial custody are not in a fun aunt role. I’d describe it more like the-love-child-of-the-fall-guy-and-a-MMA-referee. None were the OW. All have kids of their own so they are used to parenting. They just get shafted constantly by either their DH or the stepkids. Surprisingly little friction with the moms. One even took my friend’s kids (her XH’s stepkids) horseback riding pre-Covid because they had never been and her own kids hate it. But the stepkids act out even when there’s no need to do so. One flushed another friend’s jewelry out of curiosity. She had pieces from two decades of travel and living abroad that are irreplaceable, but she was expected to accept his apology and let him work it off through chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess, you do you. But it's kind of jerky that you have kids but want someone who doesn't. Just feels a bit selfish and self centered. But being selfish is your prerogative.

Seriously? If it was a woman saying she didn’t want a guy around her daughter that would be ‘jerky’ too ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess, you do you. But it's kind of jerky that you have kids but want someone who doesn't. Just feels a bit selfish and self centered. But being selfish is your prerogative.

Seriously? If it was a woman saying she didn’t want a guy around her daughter that would be ‘jerky’ too ?

DP. You misunderstood him/her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess, you do you. But it's kind of jerky that you have kids but want someone who doesn't. Just feels a bit selfish and self centered. But being selfish is your prerogative.

Seriously? If it was a woman saying she didn’t want a guy around her daughter that would be ‘jerky’ too ?

I want a 19-35 yo big brother for my kids, and had to be someone I can get down with on the evenings I'm free. I'm a super hot spinner type, 45. Good deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heh, haven't read this whole thread - but back when I was dating, I actually assumed I would marry someone like OP.

I didn't want kids of my own, didn't want to parent full time, but thought I would be a great part time stepmom - like a fun aunt role. Having kids in my life that I am not primarily responsible for, but that I have a close-ish relationship with.

Anyway too late now because I got married - to someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids - but I can't imagine I am the only one out there. Then again, there are exactly zero people I talked to about this who thought it was either a good idea or really possible once you navigated actual relationships with actual people, so.

That’s not how it works. I have a great relationship with my stepson, but he was late teens when his dad and I started dating and in his last year of college when we married. My friends who are married to men with partial custody are not in a fun aunt role. I’d describe it more like the-love-child-of-the-fall-guy-and-a-MMA-referee. None were the OW. All have kids of their own so they are used to parenting. They just get shafted constantly by either their DH or the stepkids. Surprisingly little friction with the moms. One even took my friend’s kids (her XH’s stepkids) horseback riding pre-Covid because they had never been and her own kids hate it. But the stepkids act out even when there’s no need to do so. One flushed another friend’s jewelry out of curiosity. She had pieces from two decades of travel and living abroad that are irreplaceable, but she was expected to accept his apology and let him work it off through chores.

I am the PP - and yeah, anyone I ever told about my idea that I wanted to marry someone with kids from a previous marriage, but not be their primary caretaker, told me that this was not going to be nearly as fun as I imagined. Just saying that OP's dream partner might be out there and have a similar idea of what marriage could be like. Even if neither of them really has a handle on what it will ACTUALLY be like.

That's awful about the jewelry. And nice about the horses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 45-year old divorced dad with an ES and MS kid. Shortly before Covid, I was starting to get back into dating more seriously, looking for a real relationship. I'm open to marriage but do not want to have more kids and do not want to blend a family or deal with someone else's kids. So, I was hoping to find someone who doesn't have and doesn't want kids. (To be clear, I'm not looking for a woman to step into the role of being a mom to my kids; they have two fully engaged and capable parents. Sure, at some point, the relationship might become serious enough that they'd become part of my kids' life, but I'm not expecting that to be in a parental role.) But the women I was meeting who are looking for a relationship all seemed to either have kids or want kids. Then Covid hit and I shut it down. But now I'm thinking about getting back into dating post-Covid and I'm kind of stumped. Am I looking for a unicorn or am I looking in the wrong places? Mostly I've met women through match.com and social functions. Any advice?

Call Doug Emhoff. He pulled this off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I see. I guess it's more that I don't want to have new/more kids in my orbit. So if the woman doesn't have kids and is happy to become a stepmom to mine without having her own kids, that could work for me and maybe not be as hard to find?

Possibly? But only if there’s some reason she can’t have kids. Otherwise why would she not want them? PP who said look 45+ was surely right. What age range have you been dating?

WTF? I have kids and love them, and even I can understand that other women may not want kids for a reason other than not being biologically able to have them. FFS, this is not 1890 and our only choice in life is to be spinsters or the property of a man and raise a family.

Kids are messy, loud, expensive and often rude. The fact that they are also delightful, loving and interesting doesn’t necessarily make up for the former.

OP. I have kids, and I would date a man who didn’t want to be a Dad to my kids nor me a Mom to his. I am interested in monogamous FWB type thing or 1-3;year monogamous relationship. After my kids are in college, I would be more open to dating and building a relationship with a man w/ or w/ out kids.

I agree with another PP that people who don’t have kids of their own for the most part just don’t get parenting and aren’t helpful partners. The exceptions are rare.

I think you would find many mothers who would be interested in dating but not getting into each other’s families. The key would be finding a partner with a compatible custody schedule And who is flexible enough when that schedule changes. Just because a relationship is not leading to marriage doesn’t make it real. I am not interested in marriage anymore because of all I perceive that it requires/expects me to do or give up for another. I am, however, interested in building relationships, cognizant that they might not last forever.

[Anonymous]

Doug Emhoff pulled it off, but his kids were older, he was a law partner, and Kamala Harris is the same age as him. You're asking for too much for what you offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heh, haven't read this whole thread - but back when I was dating, I actually assumed I would marry someone like OP.

I didn't want kids of my own, didn't want to parent full time, but thought I would be a great part time stepmom - like a fun aunt role. Having kids in my life that I am not primarily responsible for, but that I have a close-ish relationship with.

Anyway too late now because I got married - to someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids - but I can't imagine I am the only one out there. Then again, there are exactly zero people I talked to about this who thought it was either a good idea or really possible once you navigated actual relationships with actual people, so.

That’s not how it works. I have a great relationship with my stepson, but he was late teens when his dad and I started dating and in his last year of college when we married. My friends who are married to men with partial custody are not in a fun aunt role. I’d describe it more like the-love-child-of-the-fall-guy-and-a-MMA-referee. None were the OW. All have kids of their own so they are used to parenting. They just get shafted constantly by either their DH or the stepkids. Surprisingly little friction with the moms. One even took my friend’s kids (her XH’s stepkids) horseback riding pre-Covid because they had never been and her own kids hate it. But the stepkids act out even when there’s no need to do so. One flushed another friend’s jewelry out of curiosity. She had pieces from two decades of travel and living abroad that are irreplaceable, but she was expected to accept his apology and let him work it off through chores.

I’m a childfree by choice younger wife and my stepsons are older than me. I personally wouldn’t have married if my husband had young kids still living at home. What this PP said strikes me as truthful about the perception of women who marry someone with kids. You have the responsibility without the authority and I certainly think it’s a lose lose situation for any woman to marry a man with younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I see. I guess it's more that I don't want to have new/more kids in my orbit. So if the woman doesn't have kids and is happy to become a stepmom to mine without having her own kids, that could work for me and maybe not be as hard to find?

What woman would be happy with that??

I admit I am not the person OP is looking for. I'm married with a MS and ES child.

That said, I don't think this is impossible for OP, and I don't think it's weird or selfish either. Obviously, statistically the odds are stacked against OP, but I have friends that would probably be up for this.

I have two girlfriends I can think of off the top of my head that married later, have stepkids, but no kids of their own.

I mean, we are talking about dating, not moving in tomorrow.