Why do husbands never leave for the affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapist who has dealt with a lot of infidelity in my day.

Short answer: most affairs are about escaping and not someone looking to do the work of a long term relationship.

Of course there are exceptions. But that's the case for many affairs.

I used to come on this forum a lot - took a break in the last few years - but it's funny, in every affair thread people would reference Angelina and Brad as proof that affairs work out. I remember when I got wind of their UGLY divorce, the fact that the older kids don't talk to him anymore, and that he had long-standing addiction issues, and I thought, huh.

Classic childhood trauma issues in that relationship. Angelina preys on committed men. She broke up Laura Dern and Billy Bob Thornton's engagement too. She is known to be mentally unstable (daddy issues). The nature of her and her father, Jon Voight's, relationship is often termed as turbulent and is filled with ups and downs. Their relationship has been rocky to a point where Jolie has legally dropped the last name of her father.

The trouble began when Jon Voight, despite being married to Jolie's mother Marcheline Bertrand, had an affair. It has been reported that Jolie was just a baby and her brother was not much older when Voight divorced Bertrand. Marcheline Bertrand was just 28-years-old when she had to take care of two children and give up on her career as an actor, as her estranged husband had allegedly abandoned the family. Angelina Jolie had seen the distress and anguish that her mother had to go through and that filled her mind with hatred towards her father.

They always repeat the sins of the cheater in the family. It is multi-generational. Psychologists had allegedly that Jolie’s involvement with drugs, her bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation and her becoming sexually active at a young age can all be said to be due to her abandonment issues. Their relationship throughout Jolie’s teenage years has been strained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist who has dealt with a lot of infidelity in my day.

Short answer: most affairs are about escaping and not someone looking to do the work of a long term relationship.

Of course there are exceptions. But that's the case for many affairs.

I used to come on this forum a lot - took a break in the last few years - but it's funny, in every affair thread people would reference Angelina and Brad as proof that affairs work out. I remember when I got wind of their UGLY divorce, the fact that the older kids don't talk to him anymore, and that he had long-standing addiction issues, and I thought, huh.

Classic childhood trauma issues in that relationship. Angelina preys on committed men. She broke up Laura Dern and Billy Bob Thornton's engagement too. She is known to be mentally unstable (daddy issues). The nature of her and her father, Jon Voight's, relationship is often termed as turbulent and is filled with ups and downs. Their relationship has been rocky to a point where Jolie has legally dropped the last name of her father.

The trouble began when Jon Voight, despite being married to Jolie's mother Marcheline Bertrand, had an affair. It has been reported that Jolie was just a baby and her brother was not much older when Voight divorced Bertrand. Marcheline Bertrand was just 28-years-old when she had to take care of two children and give up on her career as an actor, as her estranged husband had allegedly abandoned the family. Angelina Jolie had seen the distress and anguish that her mother had to go through and that filled her mind with hatred towards her father.

They always repeat the sins of the cheater in the family. It is multi-generational. Psychologists had allegedly that Jolie’s involvement with drugs, her bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation and her becoming sexually active at a young age can all be said to be due to her abandonment issues. Their relationship throughout Jolie’s teenage years has been strained.

So therapist, why do the majority of Couples therapist never dig deep into the childhood issues that are overwhelming the majority of issues of marital infidelity later in the marriage? They focus on the relationship between the couple? But, when you have somebody that compartmentalizes, has narcissistic tendencies, saw abuse of a parent, has trauma from an alcoholic parent---why is that just rug swept? I have seen marital therapist never even ask about client's childhoods. These people need deep individual therapy to change thought patterns and behavioral coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist who has dealt with a lot of infidelity in my day.

Short answer: most affairs are about escaping and not someone looking to do the work of a long term relationship.

Of course there are exceptions. But that's the case for many affairs.

I used to come on this forum a lot - took a break in the last few years - but it's funny, in every affair thread people would reference Angelina and Brad as proof that affairs work out. I remember when I got wind of their UGLY divorce, the fact that the older kids don't talk to him anymore, and that he had long-standing addiction issues, and I thought, huh.

Classic childhood trauma issues in that relationship. Angelina preys on committed men. She broke up Laura Dern and Billy Bob Thornton's engagement too. She is known to be mentally unstable (daddy issues). The nature of her and her father, Jon Voight's, relationship is often termed as turbulent and is filled with ups and downs. Their relationship has been rocky to a point where Jolie has legally dropped the last name of her father.

The trouble began when Jon Voight, despite being married to Jolie's mother Marcheline Bertrand, had an affair. It has been reported that Jolie was just a baby and her brother was not much older when Voight divorced Bertrand. Marcheline Bertrand was just 28-years-old when she had to take care of two children and give up on her career as an actor, as her estranged husband had allegedly abandoned the family. Angelina Jolie had seen the distress and anguish that her mother had to go through and that filled her mind with hatred towards her father.

They always repeat the sins of the cheater in the family. It is multi-generational. Psychologists had allegedly that Jolie’s involvement with drugs, her bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation and her becoming sexually active at a young age can all be said to be due to her abandonment issues. Their relationship throughout Jolie’s teenage years has been strained.

So therapist, why do the majority of Couples therapist never dig deep into the childhood issues that are overwhelming the majority of issues of marital infidelity later in the marriage? They focus on the relationship between the couple? But, when you have somebody that compartmentalizes, has narcissistic tendencies, saw abuse of a parent, has trauma from an alcoholic parent---why is that just rug swept? I have seen marital therapist never even ask about client's childhoods. These people need deep individual therapy to change thought patterns and behavioral coping mechanisms.

You can Gottman all day long, but if you don't address the indivdual's mental and behavioral issues all the couple's therapy in the world isn't going to end their cheating. It's their default coping skill.

[Anonymous]

^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

They're supposed to be leading the patient to this conclusion on his own. If it was as simple as someone telling him to do the right thing, or as you say, simply make a choice and own it, there wouldn't be so many people in this mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeff bezos did

I actually don’t think he left MacKenzie- they filed for divorce jointly. She probably got rid of him when it was clear the texts were coming out.

Plus he is so goofy looking. Why not take the money and run?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

They're supposed to be leading the patient to this conclusion on his own. If it was as simple as someone telling him to do the right thing, or as you say, simply make a choice and own it, there wouldn't be so many people in this mess.

Oh how wonderful,,, while they are waiting for that to happen...(mine was in therapy for 6 months before he ended the affair and told me--and she told him not to provide me with details; he fired her since she was doing more harm than good)...they might want to send an anonymous note to the spouse to go have an STI panel run. And, he literally spiraled out of control in those 6 months, drinking more heavily--always before meeting...as she sat there collecting her fees and listening. She did not bring up the affair in therapy much and he said they didn't talk about it much...just how to work on techniques to manage anger. There are some very sh*tty therapists out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

They're supposed to be leading the patient to this conclusion on his own. If it was as simple as someone telling him to do the right thing, or as you say, simply make a choice and own it, there wouldn't be so many people in this mess.

Oh how wonderful,,, while they are waiting for that to happen...(mine was in therapy for 6 months before he ended the affair and told me--and she told him not to provide me with details; he fired her since she was doing more harm than good)...they might want to send an anonymous note to the spouse to go have an STI panel run. And, he literally spiraled out of control in those 6 months, drinking more heavily--always before meeting...as she sat there collecting her fees and listening. She did not bring up the affair in therapy much and he said they didn't talk about it much...just how to work on techniques to manage anger. There are some very sh*tty therapists out there.

PP here. I agree. Often therapy is just where these narcissists rehearse their lies and their feigned remorse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

They're supposed to be leading the patient to this conclusion on his own. If it was as simple as someone telling him to do the right thing, or as you say, simply make a choice and own it, there wouldn't be so many people in this mess.

Oh how wonderful,,, while they are waiting for that to happen...(mine was in therapy for 6 months before he ended the affair and told me--and she told him not to provide me with details; he fired her since she was doing more harm than good)...they might want to send an anonymous note to the spouse to go have an STI panel run. And, he literally spiraled out of control in those 6 months, drinking more heavily--always before meeting...as she sat there collecting her fees and listening. She did not bring up the affair in therapy much and he said they didn't talk about it much...just how to work on techniques to manage anger. There are some very sh*tty therapists out there.

There are some terrible therapists out there, but cheaters also work hard to pick the therapist least likely to actually force them to deal with their issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

They're supposed to be leading the patient to this conclusion on his own. If it was as simple as someone telling him to do the right thing, or as you say, simply make a choice and own it, there wouldn't be so many people in this mess.

Oh how wonderful,,, while they are waiting for that to happen...(mine was in therapy for 6 months before he ended the affair and told me--and she told him not to provide me with details; he fired her since she was doing more harm than good)...they might want to send an anonymous note to the spouse to go have an STI panel run. And, he literally spiraled out of control in those 6 months, drinking more heavily--always before meeting...as she sat there collecting her fees and listening. She did not bring up the affair in therapy much and he said they didn't talk about it much...just how to work on techniques to manage anger. There are some very sh*tty therapists out there.

There are some terrible therapists out there, but cheaters also work hard to pick the therapist least likely to actually force them to deal with their issues.

Actually, good point. They often return to the ones that don’t force them on issues or question their shitty behavior. They are looking for affirmations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

They're supposed to be leading the patient to this conclusion on his own. If it was as simple as someone telling him to do the right thing, or as you say, simply make a choice and own it, there wouldn't be so many people in this mess.

I once asked my therapist why they don't cut the crap and just tell people what they are doing wrong. She laughed and said most would run out of the room screaming and never come back if confronted with their shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ individual therapists will pass no judgement or force the hand of any client that brings up having an affair. Most of therapy these days is fluid and polyamory positive. There is very little morality in therapy, particularly with younger therapists. They will treat the individual, but never conceive that 'hey--maybe it's this double life you are leading that is causing your anger and stress'. Maybe if you 'picked one', you would not be ready to snap at any minute...and probably wouldn't need to drink as much alcohol to deal with your duplicity.

They're supposed to be leading the patient to this conclusion on his own. If it was as simple as someone telling him to do the right thing, or as you say, simply make a choice and own it, there wouldn't be so many people in this mess.

I once asked my therapist why they don't cut the crap and just tell people what they are doing wrong. She laughed and said most would run out of the room screaming and never come back if confronted with their shortcomings.

They wouldn't get weekly billing from you either. Remember, therapy is a business. Most don't even accept insurance. You can't find a couples therapist that takes insurance. $175-220/hour, for something that is often useless for the reasons cited.

[Anonymous]

People who are cheating only care about themselves. Therapy isn't going to help.

If my spouse cheated, hope the AP wants them as I'd drop off their stuff and wish them the best. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Our marriage would be over.

[Anonymous]

To say therapy doesn’t work for everyone wouldn’t be accurate at all. It doesn’t work for some people. Some therapists suck. I had a therapist texting me at midnight and trying to set meetings at 10pm. It was weird.

DH’s therapist has been very helpful. She recommended books about repairing relationships that completely changed his framework for understanding the pain I was in. His therapist helped him find an addiction group and was a catalyst to his recovery. I’m so thankful for her help. DH has really dug into childhood trauma to better understand why he wasn’t faithful. I don’t think we’d be together now if he hadn’t been to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To say therapy doesn’t work for everyone wouldn’t be accurate at all. It doesn’t work for some people. Some therapists suck. I had a therapist texting me at midnight and trying to set meetings at 10pm. It was weird.

DH’s therapist has been very helpful. She recommended books about repairing relationships that completely changed his framework for understanding the pain I was in. His therapist helped him find an addiction group and was a catalyst to his recovery. I’m so thankful for her help. DH has really dug into childhood trauma to better understand why he wasn’t faithful. I don’t think we’d be together now if he hadn’t been to therapy.

It sounds like he fully committed to it, which makes all the difference. So many cheaters (so many people, period) just go to therapy to play along and to manage impressions, so they don't get anything out of it. They don't truly want to change, or don't even think there is a problem.