Why do husbands never leave for the affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Inertia, OP.

It’s usually costly to upend your life, unless your new love interest is well-off.

There is social opprobrium to deal with.

There is emotional upset in spouses, children, friends and relatives to manage.

And that’s if you believe your love interest is marriage material!

Too much hassle.

No. Not inertia.

Many men love their wives and family. Period. The other pp quoted 64% are very happy in their marriages.

They compartmentalize. The side piece is not considered to be 'real'. It's a distraction for awhile.

And so much of the time, it's a life stage. It coincides with inner turmoil midlife and no more. Serial cheaters or cheaters in an unhappy marriage are a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had an AP for three years and we both like our spouses except the marriages are sexless. There is a lot about my wife that I prefer over my AP and my AP is not someone I’d want to marry. She’s fun, likes sex and there are NSA.

Those strings will hang you when one of your spouse’s finds out. And they will. You will regret every minute you spent with that AP. The light of day reveals how truly ugly she is...trust me. They will flip on u.

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.

When he loses his wife and kids and begs and cries and moans in agony all for a woman he never loved, wasn’t that attractive and used for sex...yeah he’s pretty upset he risked all of that for a skank. 9 times out of 10 they tell their therapist if they could go back in time they never would have done it. However, you can’t unf@ck that donkey, so the damage is done.

What in the world are you even talking about? It's just sex. Get over it. Nobody cares!
A divorced dad "loses his kids" exactly the same as his wife does: it is called 50/50. And there is no LOSS when a sexless wife finally decides she no longer wants to be your platonic room mate.

The thing you fail to understand is this: a sexless marriage is ALREADY over. Divorce is absolutely zero threat because there is nothing left to lose in the dead sexless marriage, only everything to gain by an affair to "save" the dead marriage.

I think this PP is spot on.

lol you have never been through all the financial and personal upheaval of separating households with kids. there is a LOT more than sex and a lot to lose. that’s not to say it’s not a justification for divorce, but unless you think sex is literally the only thing that matters in life, you’re vastly oversimplifying.

I had a sexless marriage. It was like I was dying every day. I stayed for 10 years. I filed for divorce. No affair. I am a woman. I felt like I had nothing to lose. There is some financial loss but it can be mitigated. I was desperately unhappy. The marriage was over at the beginning. It was a show. Losing some money was worth it. I have kids. Staying would have been worse long term for everyone. The marriage was over; divorce was necessary. So, yeah, I have been through it.

What does this mean? Did you not have sex for ten years?

For most couples, marriages become "sexless," and it's usually for reasons that are far deeper than sex, so divorcing *just* for sex is pretty rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Inertia, OP.

It’s usually costly to upend your life, unless your new love interest is well-off.

There is social opprobrium to deal with.

There is emotional upset in spouses, children, friends and relatives to manage.

And that’s if you believe your love interest is marriage material!

Too much hassle.

No. Not inertia.

Many men love their wives and family. Period. The other pp quoted 64% are very happy in their marriages.

They compartmentalize. The side piece is not considered to be 'real'. It's a distraction for awhile.

And so much of the time, it's a life stage. It coincides with inner turmoil midlife and no more. Serial cheaters or cheaters in an unhappy marriage are a different story.

I agree for the most part but also recognize that sometimes people do fall in love with others after marriage. It does happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had an AP for three years and we both like our spouses except the marriages are sexless. There is a lot about my wife that I prefer over my AP and my AP is not someone I’d want to marry. She’s fun, likes sex and there are NSA.

Those strings will hang you when one of your spouse’s finds out. And they will. You will regret every minute you spent with that AP. The light of day reveals how truly ugly she is...trust me. They will flip on u.

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.

When he loses his wife and kids and begs and cries and moans in agony all for a woman he never loved, wasn’t that attractive and used for sex...yeah he’s pretty upset he risked all of that for a skank. 9 times out of 10 they tell their therapist if they could go back in time they never would have done it. However, you can’t unf@ck that donkey, so the damage is done.

What in the world are you even talking about? It's just sex. Get over it. Nobody cares!
A divorced dad "loses his kids" exactly the same as his wife does: it is called 50/50. And there is no LOSS when a sexless wife finally decides she no longer wants to be your platonic room mate.

The thing you fail to understand is this: a sexless marriage is ALREADY over. Divorce is absolutely zero threat because there is nothing left to lose in the dead sexless marriage, only everything to gain by an affair to "save" the dead marriage.

I think this PP is spot on.

lol you have never been through all the financial and personal upheaval of separating households with kids. there is a LOT more than sex and a lot to lose. that’s not to say it’s not a justification for divorce, but unless you think sex is literally the only thing that matters in life, you’re vastly oversimplifying.

I had a sexless marriage. It was like I was dying every day. I stayed for 10 years. I filed for divorce. No affair. I am a woman. I felt like I had nothing to lose. There is some financial loss but it can be mitigated. I was desperately unhappy. The marriage was over at the beginning. It was a show. Losing some money was worth it. I have kids. Staying would have been worse long term for everyone. The marriage was over; divorce was necessary. So, yeah, I have been through it.

What does this mean? Did you not have sex for ten years?

For most couples, marriages become "sexless," and it's usually for reasons that are far deeper than sex, so divorcing *just* for sex is pretty rare.

In total, no sex for for 8.5 out of 10 years. But there was no relationship...it was like a roommate/coworker. No real love. We never should have married. Staying just for finances would have been stupid. I did not feel like I lost anything. Some marriages are mistakes. There was no emotional or personal upheaval for me. None. Whatsoever. Kids, yes. Divorce was freedom. Second kid was conceived after the first big almost 3-year drought. Nothing after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely curious about this, read this thread a lot. Seems like there are decent number of husbands who have affairs, sometimes even years in length. But they rarely leave the wife, the couple either reconciles or the wife files for divorce. In my actual life, I only know of three instances when a husband divorced and married the affair partner.

Mostly reluctance to go through the divorce process and have to maintain households.

Honestly, these are largely the affairs where the wife found out. The H gets to act contrite and the W is motivate to step up her game in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely curious about this, read this thread a lot. Seems like there are decent number of husbands who have affairs, sometimes even years in length. But they rarely leave the wife, the couple either reconciles or the wife files for divorce. In my actual life, I only know of three instances when a husband divorced and married the affair partner.

Mostly reluctance to go through the divorce process and have to maintain households.

Honestly, these are largely the affairs where the wife found out. The H gets to act contrite and the W is motivate to step up her game in the bedroom.

Ha. Oh yes, not the ones where the husband finds out . Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had an AP for three years and we both like our spouses except the marriages are sexless. There is a lot about my wife that I prefer over my AP and my AP is not someone I’d want to marry. She’s fun, likes sex and there are NSA.

Those strings will hang you when one of your spouse’s finds out. And they will. You will regret every minute you spent with that AP. The light of day reveals how truly ugly she is...trust me. They will flip on u.

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.

When he loses his wife and kids and begs and cries and moans in agony all for a woman he never loved, wasn’t that attractive and used for sex...yeah he’s pretty upset he risked all of that for a skank. 9 times out of 10 they tell their therapist if they could go back in time they never would have done it. However, you can’t unf@ck that donkey, so the damage is done.

What in the world are you even talking about? It's just sex. Get over it. Nobody cares!
A divorced dad "loses his kids" exactly the same as his wife does: it is called 50/50. And there is no LOSS when a sexless wife finally decides she no longer wants to be your platonic room mate.

The thing you fail to understand is this: a sexless marriage is ALREADY over. Divorce is absolutely zero threat because there is nothing left to lose in the dead sexless marriage, only everything to gain by an affair to "save" the dead marriage.

I think this PP is spot on.

lol you have never been through all the financial and personal upheaval of separating households with kids. there is a LOT more than sex and a lot to lose. that’s not to say it’s not a justification for divorce, but unless you think sex is literally the only thing that matters in life, you’re vastly oversimplifying.

I had a sexless marriage. It was like I was dying every day. I stayed for 10 years. I filed for divorce. No affair. I am a woman. I felt like I had nothing to lose. There is some financial loss but it can be mitigated. I was desperately unhappy. The marriage was over at the beginning. It was a show. Losing some money was worth it. I have kids. Staying would have been worse long term for everyone. The marriage was over; divorce was necessary. So, yeah, I have been through it.

What does this mean? Did you not have sex for ten years?

For most couples, marriages become "sexless," and it's usually for reasons that are far deeper than sex, so divorcing *just* for sex is pretty rare.

In total, no sex for for 8.5 out of 10 years. But there was no relationship...it was like a roommate/coworker. No real love. We never should have married. Staying just for finances would have been stupid. I did not feel like I lost anything. Some marriages are mistakes. There was no emotional or personal upheaval for me. None. Whatsoever. Kids, yes. Divorce was freedom. Second kid was conceived after the first big almost 3-year drought. Nothing after.

Immediate PP here: my point was that the poster who said a sexless marriage is a dead marriage already. It is true. I lived it. Far too long. If my ex had an affair, I would not have cared. Sexlessness was both our faults...low T plus resentment and no love. It was dead. If there had been an affair, it would not have mattered...it was already dead. A marriage that is really sexless is already dead and on the road to eventual divorce. An affair actually might have made it easier to leave sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Inertia, OP.

It’s usually costly to upend your life, unless your new love interest is well-off.

There is social opprobrium to deal with.

There is emotional upset in spouses, children, friends and relatives to manage.

And that’s if you believe your love interest is marriage material!

Too much hassle.

No. Not inertia.

Many men love their wives and family. Period. The other pp quoted 64% are very happy in their marriages.

They compartmentalize. The side piece is not considered to be 'real'. It's a distraction for awhile.

And so much of the time, it's a life stage. It coincides with inner turmoil midlife and no more. Serial cheaters or cheaters in an unhappy marriage are a different story.

+1

Many men I counsel state that discovery of an affair was a giant relief. The lies and double life take a real toll. Many get in to deep and when they come clean and find out “why” they are so much better off. They describe that time as a weird unreal time. They are deeply ashamed.

You do get the ones that don’t care, but the marriage was over long ago. As a counselor, I see many more of good men in a bad emotional point- usually midlife that truly love their wives and want help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely curious about this, read this thread a lot. Seems like there are decent number of husbands who have affairs, sometimes even years in length. But they rarely leave the wife, the couple either reconciles or the wife files for divorce. In my actual life, I only know of three instances when a husband divorced and married the affair partner.

Mostly reluctance to go through the divorce process and have to maintain households.

Honestly, these are largely the affairs where the wife found out. The H gets to act contrite and the W is motivate to step up her game in the bedroom.

Ha. Oh yes, not the ones where the husband finds out . Got it.

Some men/women confess after ending it and that’s how the “wife/husband find out”. In my case, the one that cheated was the one that had to step up his game at home and in life or be left. And that was for a very long time. I don’t know too many begging and crying for someone to stay...quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My experience is that men do not leave until 1) they have someone reliable lined up, and 2) he can afford it. Cheaper to keep her is a real thing for many men.

+100 This exactly. In my experience, men never leave a marriage without someone else lined up whereas women divorce over general unhappiness etc.

[Anonymous]

Cheaper to keep her and if the OW is not on his case about leaving, why upset the apple cart.

[Anonymous]

Yes, yes they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Inertia, OP.

It’s usually costly to upend your life, unless your new love interest is well-off.

There is social opprobrium to deal with.

There is emotional upset in spouses, children, friends and relatives to manage.

And that’s if you believe your love interest is marriage material!

Too much hassle.

No. Not inertia.

Many men love their wives and family. Period. The other pp quoted 64% are very happy in their marriages.

They compartmentalize. The side piece is not considered to be 'real'. It's a distraction for awhile.

And so much of the time, it's a life stage. It coincides with inner turmoil midlife and no more. Serial cheaters or cheaters in an unhappy marriage are a different story.

+1

Many men I counsel state that discovery of an affair was a giant relief. The lies and double life take a real toll. Many get in to deep and when they come clean and find out “why” they are so much better off. They describe that time as a weird unreal time. They are deeply ashamed.

You do get the ones that don’t care, but the marriage was over long ago. As a counselor, I see many more of good men in a bad emotional point- usually midlife that truly love their wives and want help.

Apologies of this has already been discussed, but are there common triggers for these bad emotional states you see men get into?

[Anonymous]

My ex-H left for his affair partner and honestly, it's the absolute best thing he's ever done for me. "Never" is a fantasy, it happens. And guess what, ex-wives gleefully move on knowing they no longer have to deal with a cheating spouse.