Why do husbands never leave for the affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes they do leave or the separate for a time period. I know someone that left his wife of almost 20 years because he had a baby with someone else. He left before she could figure out a baby was involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist who has dealt with a lot of infidelity in my day.

Short answer: most affairs are about escaping and not someone looking to do the work of a long term relationship.

Of course there are exceptions. But that's the case for many affairs.

I used to come on this forum a lot - took a break in the last few years - but it's funny, in every affair thread people would reference Angelina and Brad as proof that affairs work out. I remember when I got wind of their UGLY divorce, the fact that the older kids don't talk to him anymore, and that he had long-standing addiction issues, and I thought, huh.

Classic childhood trauma issues in that relationship. Angelina preys on committed men. She broke up Laura Dern and Billy Bob Thornton's engagement too. She is known to be mentally unstable (daddy issues). The nature of her and her father, Jon Voight's, relationship is often termed as turbulent and is filled with ups and downs. Their relationship has been rocky to a point where Jolie has legally dropped the last name of her father.

The trouble began when Jon Voight, despite being married to Jolie's mother Marcheline Bertrand, had an affair. It has been reported that Jolie was just a baby and her brother was not much older when Voight divorced Bertrand. Marcheline Bertrand was just 28-years-old when she had to take care of two children and give up on her career as an actor, as her estranged husband had allegedly abandoned the family. Angelina Jolie had seen the distress and anguish that her mother had to go through and that filled her mind with hatred towards her father.

They always repeat the sins of the cheater in the family. It is multi-generational. Psychologists had allegedly that Jolie’s involvement with drugs, her bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation and her becoming sexually active at a young age can all be said to be due to her abandonment issues. Their relationship throughout Jolie’s teenage years has been strained.

I strongly agree with the correlation here. Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left my wife for my affair partner. But then again that was my goal the whole time. I've always believed you don't leave one relationship until you've got another one lined up, and that's how it's been ever since I was 16 years old.

You sound awesome!

[Anonymous]

Men can compartmentalize sex. Many married men are sexually starved. I know there are a lot of women who want to believe their ability to keep their husband sexually satisfied has no affect on whether they cheat but that's not true for most men.

So think of it this way. Why would I leave my wife and kids, screw up my finances and run off with my AP who is going to be bored of having sex with me after a few years anyway.

If I am going to divorce, I am going to be single so I can live promiscuous for a while. That's the thought process of most men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men can compartmentalize sex. Many married men are sexually starved. I know there are a lot of women who want to believe their ability to keep their husband sexually satisfied has no affect on whether they cheat but that's not true for most men.

So think of it this way. Why would I leave my wife and kids, screw up my finances and run off with my AP who is going to be bored of having sex with me after a few years anyway.

If I am going to divorce, I am going to be single so I can live promiscuous for a while. That's the thought process of most men.

Say it louder (for those in the back).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men have affairs in order to STAY in their sexless marriage (because.... kids, house, finances, whatever).

And, why do women have affairs?

It can be the same reason. But women are more likley to have exit affairs (meaning on the way out of the marriage anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Money. All the men I know over 40 obsess over retirement and their 401k. Divorce means they’ll have to pay child support, possibly alimony, and give up half their retirement.

2. Decreased standard of living. Better to stay in the house and have sex on the side than live in a crappy apartment.

3. Wife is the maid and handle all the house and kid stuff. Divorce means dad would have to step it up and actually take care of his kids, and the thought of a weekend alone with them is overwhelming

Basically, men who have affairs usually have major entitlement issues.

#1 and #2 do not apply to most modern divorces.

#1: We kept our own retirement. I worked. There was no reason to split half of his. I have my own--and it was almost equal.
#2: His standard of living stayed the same. He makes more money. Again, I work. No alimony. He kept the house. I left.
#3: This applies. If they want 50/50 they actually have to start doing some work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen it happen twice. Second marriage with APs are going on longer than the first marriage (second marriages longer than 15 and 10 years, respectively)

Both of those instances were people in the wrong marriage to begin with.

+1

People never want to admit that many marriages were mistakes to begin with and they simply were not with the right partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had an AP for three years and we both like our spouses except the marriages are sexless. There is a lot about my wife that I prefer over my AP and my AP is not someone I’d want to marry. She’s fun, likes sex and there are NSA.

Those strings will hang you when one of your spouse’s finds out. And they will. You will regret every minute you spent with that AP. The light of day reveals how truly ugly she is...trust me. They will flip on u.

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.

When he loses his wife and kids and begs and cries and moans in agony all for a woman he never loved, wasn’t that attractive and used for sex...yeah he’s pretty upset he risked all of that for a skank. 9 times out of 10 they tell their therapist if they could go back in time they never would have done it. However, you can’t unf@ck that donkey, so the damage is done.

What in the world are you even talking about? It's just sex. Get over it. Nobody cares!
A divorced dad "loses his kids" exactly the same as his wife does: it is called 50/50. And there is no LOSS when a sexless wife finally decides she no longer wants to be your platonic room mate.

The thing you fail to understand is this: a sexless marriage is ALREADY over. Divorce is absolutely zero threat because there is nothing left to lose in the dead sexless marriage, only everything to gain by an affair to "save" the dead marriage.

I think this PP is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen it happen twice. Second marriage with APs are going on longer than the first marriage (second marriages longer than 15 and 10 years, respectively)

Both of those instances were people in the wrong marriage to begin with.

+1

People never want to admit that many marriages were mistakes to begin with and they simply were not with the right partner.

I’ve seen this happen and is a hard pill to swallow but they were happier at least it seemed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had an AP for three years and we both like our spouses except the marriages are sexless. There is a lot about my wife that I prefer over my AP and my AP is not someone I’d want to marry. She’s fun, likes sex and there are NSA.

Those strings will hang you when one of your spouse’s finds out. And they will. You will regret every minute you spent with that AP. The light of day reveals how truly ugly she is...trust me. They will flip on u.

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.

When he loses his wife and kids and begs and cries and moans in agony all for a woman he never loved, wasn’t that attractive and used for sex...yeah he’s pretty upset he risked all of that for a skank. 9 times out of 10 they tell their therapist if they could go back in time they never would have done it. However, you can’t unf@ck that donkey, so the damage is done.

What in the world are you even talking about? It's just sex. Get over it. Nobody cares!
A divorced dad "loses his kids" exactly the same as his wife does: it is called 50/50. And there is no LOSS when a sexless wife finally decides she no longer wants to be your platonic room mate.

The thing you fail to understand is this: a sexless marriage is ALREADY over. Divorce is absolutely zero threat because there is nothing left to lose in the dead sexless marriage, only everything to gain by an affair to "save" the dead marriage.

I think this PP is spot on.

lol you have never been through all the financial and personal upheaval of separating households with kids. there is a LOT more than sex and a lot to lose. that’s not to say it’s not a justification for divorce, but unless you think sex is literally the only thing that matters in life, you’re vastly oversimplifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had an AP for three years and we both like our spouses except the marriages are sexless. There is a lot about my wife that I prefer over my AP and my AP is not someone I’d want to marry. She’s fun, likes sex and there are NSA.

Those strings will hang you when one of your spouse’s finds out. And they will. You will regret every minute you spent with that AP. The light of day reveals how truly ugly she is...trust me. They will flip on u.

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.

When he loses his wife and kids and begs and cries and moans in agony all for a woman he never loved, wasn’t that attractive and used for sex...yeah he’s pretty upset he risked all of that for a skank. 9 times out of 10 they tell their therapist if they could go back in time they never would have done it. However, you can’t unf@ck that donkey, so the damage is done.

What in the world are you even talking about? It's just sex. Get over it. Nobody cares!
A divorced dad "loses his kids" exactly the same as his wife does: it is called 50/50. And there is no LOSS when a sexless wife finally decides she no longer wants to be your platonic room mate.

The thing you fail to understand is this: a sexless marriage is ALREADY over. Divorce is absolutely zero threat because there is nothing left to lose in the dead sexless marriage, only everything to gain by an affair to "save" the dead marriage.

I think this PP is spot on.

lol you have never been through all the financial and personal upheaval of separating households with kids. there is a LOT more than sex and a lot to lose. that’s not to say it’s not a justification for divorce, but unless you think sex is literally the only thing that matters in life, you’re vastly oversimplifying.

I had a sexless marriage. It was like I was dying every day. I stayed for 10 years. I filed for divorce. No affair. I am a woman. I felt like I had nothing to lose. There is some financial loss but it can be mitigated. I was desperately unhappy. The marriage was over at the beginning. It was a show. Losing some money was worth it. I have kids. Staying would have been worse long term for everyone. The marriage was over; divorce was necessary. So, yeah, I have been through it.

[Anonymous]

What about a man who lives his wife but is just so hot women throw themselves at him? And hes that good and wants to share? Is that so bad if no one finds out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a man who lives his wife but is just so hot women throw themselves at him? And hes that good and wants to share? Is that so bad if no one finds out?

That’s called swinging. Takes a wife that is not insecure and DTF. Then hot man can enjoy with hot wife, literally. Same room or separate rooms to live the experience without tearing apart an otherwise good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To say therapy doesn’t work for everyone wouldn’t be accurate at all. It doesn’t work for some people. Some therapists suck. I had a therapist texting me at midnight and trying to set meetings at 10pm. It was weird.

DH’s therapist has been very helpful. She recommended books about repairing relationships that completely changed his framework for understanding the pain I was in. His therapist helped him find an addiction group and was a catalyst to his recovery. I’m so thankful for her help. DH has really dug into childhood trauma to better understand why he wasn’t faithful. I don’t think we’d be together now if he hadn’t been to therapy.

Please reccomend the therapist and the books.