Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem solved by SARS-CoV-19. It will be too much of a hassle to have sex now.

https://www1.nyc.gov/assets/doh/downloads/pdf/imm/covid-sex-guidance.pdf

"If you usually meet your sex partners online or make a living by having sex, consider taking a break from in-person dates. Video dates, sexting or chat rooms may be options for you."

Wait, are chat rooms still a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

So moral judgments aside:

My situation - 15 years married, 2 kids in middle school, have gone from sex 1-2 a month to once a season lately at best (and 0 for winter).

What works - completely giving up on your spouse as a sexual partner. Sounds counter-intuitive but its true. The sexual frustration and cycle of initiation and rejection is what is toxic. I take care of myself at least daily so I have nothing in the tank for her.

Also, exercise, dressing well. Going out more, ignoring the depressing nights of just sitting beside her on the couch while she surfs facebook or watches reality tv. Flirting, paying genuine compliments to women.

What doesn't work - scheduling sex, buying her toys, lingerie, vacations, hotels, inviting her to explore fantasies.

Can being in a sexless marriage work long term? For her, yes. For me, no. Short term, it's actually better to accept it than to try and fix an unfixable situation.

Tell us about your affair partner. That is the ONLY way your marriage can work. Accept your wife as a platonic room mate, meanwhile date and have sex with other women.

[Anonymous]

DW here. This is something DH and I have struggled with on and off for years, and it was mostly my fault for a good period of that time. Some things that I hope might be helpful:

1. It is very hard for me to have sex when I don’t feel good about my body. DH has for years been helping me with this by expressing how he thinks I’m attractive etc. It’s gotten better over time. Another thing that’s helped is getting attention from other men, which makes me feel more sexy And confident. I think women tend to be too hard on themselves and don’t realize how their DH’s think they’re beautiful and attractive. Maybe that’s naive but it’s been my experience in talking to men and women.

2. Scheduling in time together every day worked for us (usually early in the morning). It was with the understanding that it didn’t always have to lead to sex: it could just be lying side by side. But this meant we were having sex a bunch more than before. And even though we didn’t do this every single day (some days he slept in bc he was working late the night before and some days I had to work early in the morning), it became a habit we defaulted into most days. It definitely required sacrifice on both of our parts — waking up earlier, etc.

3. I was sexually abused when a child by someone I really loved and trusted. That makes sex hard sometimes. DH is understanding and compassionate.

5. I think years of bitterness and resentment can make it feel impossible to reignite a sex life, but I know from experience that it’s possible. So have hope! With that said, having a fun and vital sex life is something we are still trying to figure out after over a decade together. It’s a work in progress. I know some couples just have it and that’s amazing for them. But our story is different. Just sharing so others don’t feel so alone if they’re in the same boat

6. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that sex really triggers some core issues for both women and men and their sense of worthiness and identity. Because of that, in our best moments, DH and I try to be open and understanding to each other’s needs, desires, frustrations — without taking to too personally.

Like everything else with marriage, it’s work and effort.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Apparently I can’t count in the post above. Sorry about that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. This is something DH and I have struggled with on and off for years, and it was mostly my fault for a good period of that time. Some things that I hope might be helpful:

1. It is very hard for me to have sex when I don’t feel good about my body. DH has for years been helping me with this by expressing how he thinks I’m attractive etc. It’s gotten better over time. Another thing that’s helped is getting attention from other men, which makes me feel more sexy And confident. I think women tend to be too hard on themselves and don’t realize how their DH’s think they’re beautiful and attractive. Maybe that’s naive but it’s been my experience in talking to men and women.

2. Scheduling in time together every day worked for us (usually early in the morning). It was with the understanding that it didn’t always have to lead to sex: it could just be lying side by side. But this meant we were having sex a bunch more than before. And even though we didn’t do this every single day (some days he slept in bc he was working late the night before and some days I had to work early in the morning), it became a habit we defaulted into most days. It definitely required sacrifice on both of our parts — waking up earlier, etc.

3. I was sexually abused when a child by someone I really loved and trusted. That makes sex hard sometimes. DH is understanding and compassionate.

5. I think years of bitterness and resentment can make it feel impossible to reignite a sex life, but I know from experience that it’s possible. So have hope! With that said, having a fun and vital sex life is something we are still trying to figure out after over a decade together. It’s a work in progress. I know some couples just have it and that’s amazing for them. But our story is different. Just sharing so others don’t feel so alone if they’re in the same boat

6. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that sex really triggers some core issues for both women and men and their sense of worthiness and identity. Because of that, in our best moments, DH and I try to be open and understanding to each other’s needs, desires, frustrations — without taking to too personally.

Like everything else with marriage, it’s work and effort.

Bottom line: if a low-interest wife (like PP) is willing to put in the necessary effort (in conjunction with her male partner), her marriage can avoid divorce AND can remain monogamous. But if she is not, then her male partner must choose between divorce or non-monogamy.

[Anonymous]

I just go to my favorite rub and tug place and problem is solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Men benefit from marriage in other ways besides sex.
Children, family, stability, cooking/cleaning, social life, etc. There is another man on here who stayed in a sexless marriage all the while planning divorce as soon as the children went to college. He also wanted the benefits without providing any...

What a load of garbage. You invented "benefits" that men don't actually care about (and certainly don't get married to obtain) in order to feed your fantasy that men get more out of marriage than women, and that it's ok to deny men sex (what they do want) because they still get this other stuff (that they don't care about).

Nope, not a load of garbage. The point is that it isn't about sexlessness. It's about men wanting something new after they have "accomplished" life things such as raising kids, building career and wealth. Their wives could compromise but these husbands want what they want, no compromise is good because in their mind they have options. It's really pretty clear.

Are you a husband? How do you feel comfortable making these absolute proclamation about what men want or think? The only thing that is really pretty clear is you do not know what you are talking about.

DP but statistics are clear. Married men live longer than unmarried men and men are more likely to remarry after a divorce than women. This is across the board not just for the guys getting booty on the regular.

I don't think anyone knows exactly why this is but I believe it is because women have elaborate and meaningful emotional relationships with many people in their life and so can seek emotional support from other avenues. Many men primarily get that emotional support from a spouse and without it get lonely and depressed. In a marriage that woman feels the weight of being that for her husband and when she's on her own she can live more just for herself. It is a sad side effect of society's expectation that men keep their emotions under control that mostly impacts men.

[Anonymous]

Sexless wife here. If you are unwilling to exert consistent effort to ensure that your partner has a humane sex life then you should be flexible about defining fidelity. He or she is just waiting to leave you when the kids are grown. I think marriage provides men and women many social and financial benefits but, at some point, you are willing to learn to live with fewer benefits and the stigma of personal failure. Nobody's perfect but at least I have the hope of EVER BONING AGAIN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just go to my favorite rub and tug place and problem is solved!

Just make sure you stay 6 feet apart.

[Anonymous]

I was in my early 50’s and our sex life was very infrequent so I actually spent a lot of time reading about a woman’s sexuality and what it really takes for them to enjoy sex and have an orgasm or two or three. And it’s not the same thing on any given day. Some things I’d been doing but many I had not so when the next opportunity arose my wife was initially surprised because it was something new (a Magic Wand) but within a few minutes she was really enjoying herself. She had never been a real moaner but now she was. Other toys and techniques have really worked and our frequency is back to our early marriage days. If I had known that this is what it took and that she was willing I would have done this years ago.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone suggest cannabis? A nice sativa edible might nudge things in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone suggest cannabis? A nice sativa edible might nudge things in the right direction.

I tried with her but it went nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Of course it went nowhere. Some people do not find sex important and they do not mind enforcing near celibacy on those of us whom they know have to stay in the marriage for other reasons. They picked us well. They knew we wouldn't just desert our families even if denied, as I said earlier, a humane sex life for years. You either feel obligated to ensure your partner's needs are met or you don't. It is really that simple, whether you are SAH, WOH, 1 kid or 2 or 3. We are all sweating that Spanish lady with 11 kids who is a nurse. Guess what? She is taking care of business, not making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Calling new members…

[Anonymous]

As a mid-40s man who has been in a sexless marriage now for 6 years (sex 4-8x a year) the only thing that has helped is finally accepting this is the price of admission to being married to my wife. I stopped trying to understand it fix her because nothing works and nothing changes and I get more resentful if I do all the things to date her again and zero difference.

Only thing I noticed is after I stopped trying a couple years ago, we really have grown apart. We don't go on vacations together (what's the point?). We don't go out for dinner just the two of us.

5 years till the last one leaves for college, if we are still together, that will be it. Oddly, she talks about plans for our future, but I just nod along and wonder what planet she lives on.